It's All About the Numbers

     Recently, my husband and I were bemoaning Alex’s surliness. It wasn't anything egregious, just the usual sneer and attitude that has become common place. And don’t get me wrong, overall things are great and Alex is doing well. It is just there are those reminders every day that this is not a child you raised their whole life as they never would react or talk to you that particular way. Most of the time he is a perfect gentleman, polite and agreeable, but there is that small percentage that we can’t seem to break into or through. Sometimes I think he doesn't know he is being surly, I think he doesn't want to be interrupted or is irritated by an intrusion and forgets how to talk to family. After all, for a long time, he didn't have a family to worry about. When we bring these times to his attention, usually he apologizes and if the wronged person is upset, he will really feel bad. Sometimes though he will lash back even more and we will just have to trundle off and shrug or shoulders.

So, the last time this happened, Daddy John was trying to give Alex the agenda for the following day when he said goodnight and oh boy, he got his head bitten off. And here is how I think we differ from a lot of parents. We just let these times happen and don’t redirect or correct if it is directed at us. When it is directed outside of the family or at another child, we intervene, but with us, I figure it will happen with time and I have learned to ignore it. But John was a little more mad, so I figured out a way to calm him down.

Me being a math major in college and all, this approach by the numbers made perfect sense to me. I calculated for Alex's 17th birthday, which is coming up in 2 weeks, but the few days won't throw off the calculation too much. Alex has been alive 7,205 days. Of those days, 866 have been with us as a family. I picked the date we arrived back in America because we all know the time together in Ukraine is the weirdest limbo time of not parenting in the world. So if you look at his life in percentages - only 12% have we affected and been his parents. That means that governing 88% are from someone else.

Now let’s go a little further and look at the course of a normal day. If you consider 12% should be by my way, that is 2.88 hours or 3 hours for ease. But in reality, some of that is spent sleeping - ok a lot of it is spent sleeping, usually 12 hours a day (or if not sleeping, in bed away from my nagging and supervision.) So now we have 12% of 12 hours, 1.44 hours or 1.5 on a good day. 

This was an eye opener as I gleefully explained to my husband that I get that time in homeschooling. And it is really true - I don’t think we have ever gone over 2 hours in a day. Maybe we have, but not usually. I make sure that we do our lessons when he is well rested, happy, full tummy, etc. Schoolwork is too important to mess with. The rest of the time - well, now I know where it is coming from. I am hysterically laughing at this, as I consider it the funniest thing I have ever heard, as my poor hubby is grumbling and fussing that it isn't fair that I get all the good time.

Now the next time Alex is a pill, I will be able to explain it away even easier than I have before. But he will have to keep giving an increasing percentage! By 2016 I will have worked my way up to 2.1 hours. Woo Hoo!

Learning to Let Go

Of everything that I have experienced in this adoption journey, the necessity of letting go is proving to be the hardest. Alex and I bonded so quickly and he was so needy of love and attention, that I despaired at times of having enough to give to him. But we persevered and are filling up his dry well with family and emotions. Believe it or not, I think just recently the surgery experience with his hand helped a lot and showed him finally and permanently what family means to him. BTW, he is healing well and has full movement back in his hand. There is a wicked scar, but he is proud of it.

However, as he becomes more confident and emotionally stable, I find that he is able to separate more from me. This is helped by a drivers license, of course. But he is now more comfortable separating and will only call me once or twice during a separation whereas before, there were no degrees of separation or if there were, I was called or texted every 15-30 minutes. 

In fact a milestone occurred yesterday. I had to get up early and take Amanda to the local high school to register her for the PSAT test. That in and of itself was hilarious as I didn't even know the name or location of the school. But anyway, it had to be done at the crack of dawn (ok 7:30am but that is the crack of dawn to me) and there I wasn't going to be home when Alex awoke. Then he had to get up and get to karate class at 11:00. So we were going to not see each other until the afternoon. Usually he would request that I wake him up if I had to go anywhere in the morning but I didn't get that request. And when we went over the schedule the night before, he set his alarm to wake up.

I was a little miffed, but thought, “Ok, don’t worry. Concentrate on getting yourself out of bed at that time which will be a miracle.” The next morning, Amanda and I did get her registered ( a whole other tale as schools do not like homeschoolers) and then we ran errands. It wasn't until about 11:30 that I realized I hadn't heard from Alex at all. Feeling panic, I called the karate school and was told in fact he was there working out just as he should have been.

When Alex got home, he called out to me, “Sensei told me you called. Sorry I didn't call - I forgot.” I knew that this was a big step for him so I just smiled and laughed and said, “Ok, no big deal. How was class?”

I realized that him forgetting to call meant that he felt safe enough that I was still there for him and he didn't need to check or even keep that thought in his brain. One little scar in his heart had been healed. He was sure enough of a mothers love that he didn't even need to think about it. How neat for him and how rotten for me.

I know separation is needed at some point for all kids, but when they are biological, you have time to lead up to it. It is still hard, trust me, G4 is in his first serious relationship and he is applying to grad schools all over the country and contemplating leaving home. It is so hard but I have had 18 years to work up to this moment. But with adoptive kids, everything has been on fast forward and there has been no grace period. You pour your heart and soul into them and when it works, you are overjoyed and thankful, but are left with a hole that is gaping wide and no emotional reserve to fill it. You can’t blame them, they are doing everything as they need to, but what do you do with yourself?

I know I am feeling a little adrift as I struggle to deal with this new level we have reached. I am not ready for it, but I don’t want him to know that. I know that I wasn't ready to move on to the next level and need to watch out that none of that feeling crosses over into my interactions with Alex. Life goes on but I have shed a tear or two out of the loneliness that I know feel. It is such a weird feeling to personally feel so bereft but to mentally know that it is the most wonderful thing for Alex’s emotional health. Darn it, I just wasn’t ready, but here I am whether I like it or not!

Surgery and a Book

We are in a holding pattern right now, waiting for Alex to have surgery on his hand tomorrow. He was at karate sparring class last week and his hand block met a kick in the wrong way and one crack later, Alex had broken his hand. We thought it was a minor break, the ER just bandaged it up and referred us to an ortho the next week. However, upon getting to the ortho, more X-rays showed his ring finger knuckle had started collapsing. Not good, especially since he is left-handed and this was his left hand. The bone is also twisted a little (the third metacarpal) and shortened by about 6.5 mm, which doesn't sound like much but in looking at his hand, it seemed like the knuckle had moved halfway down his hand!

So, he will need surgery and a titanium plate and screws to put him back together again. Bummer! It seems like the pain and anxiety of the break dredged up a lot of old feelings also, we have revisited many topics I thought we done and gone, but obviously not. The whole house is on lock down to prevent any sick people in - the last thing he needs is to go into general anesthesia with a cold.

He was initially fussy that everyone was making such a big deal about him, he kept saying, “I got hurt worse than this before and no one cared about me.” But I keep telling him, this is what families do - they support each other and make sure the world stops for the person that needs it. Daddy John flew in from Europe yesterday to come home and G4 cut short a camping trip to be here.

In other news, my book was finally published! YAY! I feel so relieved and can move on with the other projects that were noodling around before the adoption. Here is the link on Amazon - please everyone spread the word.

http://www.amazon.com/Panic-How-Adopt-Older-Child/dp/0983042020/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1408992591&sr=8-1&keywords=no+panic

And here is a picture of the cover.

Alex was a little miffed to see a picture of himself on the cover, but then he kept asking, “Will I be famous?” I laughed and told him, I hope so because that means it is selling well!

Whoops! Too Much Time Has Gone By

So much has been going on and I have been so busy that I have neglected this blog for far to long. But I need to keep it going. It helps me so much to get everything out - and whether people are interested in it or not? Well, I don't know but if I help just answer just one question someone has, then it is worthwhile.

Life has been interesting - with the move overseas and all. Also, my book is finally done and all be published August 1. It should be available soon after on Amazon and Barnes and Noble. I have had a lot of interest in it so far. The title is No Panic! How to Adopt an Older Child. It is available as both paperback and an ebook.

However, I know people probably read this not to find out about my life or how the family is but rather to follow adoption of a teenager and the subsequent challenges and issues - so if you want to know all about our travel overseas and life in general - friend me on Facebook! That way you can see pictures and such, but for now, I will just relate Alex things on the blog.

The hardest thing about being in Europe is the smoking for Alex. Even through he has been tobacco free for two years, he says it calls him like a drug. Every time we passed someone on the street and smelt the smoke he said he was like a blood starved vampire. I have been powerless to fix this. I do not understand the craving. I know it isn’t physical, but what is motivating it is beyond me. But in talking to friends that were smokers for years, they totally get it. So, poor Alex has had to deal with this constantly this summer. He has asked me for cigarettes on multiple occasions but when I say no, he will thank me for not caving in to him. He told me that when he first came to America two and a half years ago he never meant to quit smoking permanently. He only did it because he knew he would get into trouble with us. But now he said the biggest motivator to not smoke is because of Amanda’s severe asthma. I was so pleased to hear that - it showed me that the bonding is occurring with all the family members. Remember how worried I was years ago that it would never happen? I knew he and I bonded like glue in the beginning but I was so worried that it wouldn’t happen with the other family members. It seems so trivial to worry about now.

In an effort to help him with the smoking though we loosened up our alcohol prohibitions. Overseas, he is old enough to drink legally with parental permission, so John and I decided to give him free rein. He has surprised us with how responsible he is - he is developing quite the taste for hard cider and microbrews but so far has no alcohol problems. He drinks occasionally with a meal but has never abused alcohol and never gotten drunk. Ok I take that back - there was one night in the flat in London when he and I were tipsy together after downing several ciders - boy is he a motor mouth when he drinks!

We talked about responsible drinking - but he is way ahead of us on that one. He already knows more about it than we do! But he voiced that he just doesn't crave alcohol the way he craves cigarettes. But I think treating him like an adult with the alcohol allowed him to feel like he had some self-control over himself and could make good decisions. So all in all - we have been pleased so far that he has stayed away from cigarettes. Now I know some of you are rolling your eyes and wondering how I can be so sure of myself that he hasn’t gone off on a binge. And if we were anywhere else I would agree with you - however. Remember we were in a 700 square foot flat (spacious by London standards) and have not physically separated for the past 2 months. Amanda, Alex, and I have done everything together - as we have been without friends and contacts in Europe. So this I know.

The one thing however that continues to astonish me is the continual flow of new information. I keep thinking every time something is revealed from his past that, “OK, now I have heard it all,” but I am just deluding myself. The revelations just keep coming. I must admit to feeling some frustrations with that. I am ready to be free from the differences that separate us and have nothing but everything in common. Dream on - I know but I do get angry with it.

Just a case in point. We were in a cafe in Paris two weeks ago and were talking about something generic when Amanda mentioned a book she was reading about a run-a-way teen. Alex popped up with, “Oh, Sergei and I were going to run away once we got to America.” This hit me out of left field. “Oh yeah,” he followed up with. “We planned to take as much money as we could and run away and steal what else we needed.” (Becky take a deep breath!)

As I was choking on my crepe, I countered with, “Oh this must have been early on when you just got there wasn’t it?” really hoping it was but he shot back, “Yeah, but then we were really planning it when you told me we were moving to Seattle. I didn't want to leave you but didn't want a family either.”

HE HAD BEEN WITH US 4 MONTHS AT THAT POINT. At this, I almost fell out of my chair. I couldn’t believe it. I was so hurt. Without any warning, I started bawling - loudly - in the middle of this cafe - with everyone looking at me. I was devastated. The floodgates just opened - I felt so betrayed and raw. Poor Amanda and Alex didn't know what to do with me. We managed to finish the meal and get out of the cafe but I was finished for the day. We went back to our flat and Alex came to me and said, “I never would really have done it, I just didn't want to move.” But I could tell he was just assuaging me. I knew that if given half a chance, he would have been gone from me back them and I never would have even known why or what happened. I don’t know why this hit me so hard, but I am still reeling from it. It just highlights to me the different place parents and kids are in the this WHOLE process of adoption.

I like to think that after the initial adjustment phase, that everything calms down and will be normal - but I have to realistic - there is no normal. It will always be different. Maybe a new normal. I had been planning for Alex in paperwork and getting money for the adoption for months and then traveling halfway around the world to actually get him. By the time we landed in America, he was mine, completely and wholly - my work was done - I was bonded, attached and a parent in every sense of the word. But by that time, Alex was not even interested in being a child in a family. He was there for opportunity, money, adventure, whatever, but not to be my child. Somewhere along the line this has changed, and he now is becoming my child, but the process is not complete inside of him and I wonder if it every will be. And this is a kid who is open with me, communicative, and not too scarred from past abuses and neglect. We also have no learning disabilities, FAS, PTSD to deal with. OMG - if we had other issues, how would he ever be mine? Could he learn, can he heal, can he accept us as a family, truly and emotionally forever? I still lie awake and think about these thoughts at night. Everyone else in the family thinks I am overreacting but I know the truth of what is in that kid’s heart. We are worming our way in, but boy it is taking a long, long time. 

No wonder I have worries about him constantly. But then just as I am drowning in these thoughts something comes along to alleviate them. We were walking along a street in London two days ago when out of the blue he grabbed my hand and said, “ You know what I most wanted when I was little? It was a momma. I had Grandma and I tried to call her momma but she said no she was my grandma. Then when I met my dad and his new wife, my stepmom, I thought that my prayers had been answered. But then I realized she was mean and hurt me and then forced me to call her momma. But you, you are my real momma.”

I almost crumbled into an emotional mess of goo at that. I started crying again but caught myself (thank goodness for sunglasses). I didn't know what to say except, “I know, and you are my real son.” That alone lifted me out of the depths of panic and worry.

But truth be told, I wish there were no ups and downs, I long for a time of knowledge that we are all bonded together and there is no past, only a future. I want consistency not surprises, but then again God didn't give Alex what he wanted for a long time - guess I will have to wait too, but at least I am secure in the knowledge we are all together now and nothing will tear us apart if I can prevent it.

First University Visit

I decided that since I was having more school reluctance than I wanted from Alex, that I would fix that with a visit to a local university. He has never had a visit to a college, other that visiting G4 and I want him to understand what he needs to do to get into one. I am not beating him over the head with books because I enjoy it. So, I called a local university, Seattle University and made an appointment for a tour and a meeting with an admissions counselor.

It turned out to be the best thing in the world for Alex. I keep forgetting that he doesn't come from the same place I do and even though he has expressed interest in college, he had no true understanding of what that meant. We got a great tour guide and really fell in love with the campus. It is very small, only 4300 undergrad students, with most living on campus. It felt very much like a family campus with a lot of community spirit. Afterwards, we met with an admissions counselor, which went very well.

We Never Have enough Time

I am beginning to think that I need to turn over a new leaf in my life and that of our family. It seems like we never get enough done in the course of a day to make me happy. So either my expectations are too high or we are a lazy sluggish family that can't get anything done. I was just thinking as I was driving home from the market that I want to go to sleep just one night feeling like I have accomplished everything during the day that I set out to do. That has never happened, at least not that I can recall, and it would be such a novel thing. But back to not having enough time.

We certainly don't have enough time to do the school work that I want done in a day. Some of that is honestly Alex's fault though. Even though he has gotten a lot better, he still fusses a lot about doing his work. He complains and exclaims how much he hates it - everything. This is in one breath, and then the other breath will be asking a question about university or a career. He is somewhat motivated and wants to do well, but is still struggling with lack of self-esteem when it comes to academics, and a general negative view of school work. He does not enjoy learning the way the rest of us do and regularly tells me that. There isn't much I can do to make him like it - I try to choose subjects that he enjoys and do it in small manageable spurts, but we are falling behind little by little. I think it is mostly my fault as I can't bring myself to continually teach to a negative ninny. It is much easier to go do laundry, dishes, or other tasks and leave him on World of Warcraft quiet and happy than to say, "Time for some reading," or whatever is on the agenda. I know it isn't all his fault - being told you are stupid your whole life is going to take some undoing, but I am tired of cleaning up other people's messes so to speak. I am ready to have this one over. Because I know that in order for him to accomplish in life what he wants to - there has to be some change. To this end, this week I made an executive decision, I am going to keep him at home one extra year and graduate him at 19 from high school instead of at 18. But it isn't all doom and gloom - he read the book Stuart Little this week all by himself and understood it. It was even a little easy - so in only 2 years - I think being able to read and understand that in English is pretty good.

I still am fighting the messiness, which is not true messiness. It's hard to explain, but Alex can and does pick up after himself - its the messiness that comes along with things he hasn't had to manage before. Before us, his clothing was limited, so it was always dealt with if he wanted clothes to wear the next day. Here, because he has a closet full, they are strewn all over and he gets a little overwhelmed. These little things can become a huge burden when multiplied.

I also wish that we could do more things in a day - meaning errands, classes, and outside activities. Alex still finds himself stretched thin with more than one or two things to do outside the house every day. Then when he gets home, he has to recharge himself and have some downtime. All of this combined with everything else we need to do in the course of a day makes for a lack of time to do what I need to with him. His life was so limited before and more intent on surviving, that the learning how to live got missed. Mostly I am sad about these things, but sometimes they make me angry. I wish I could wave a magic wand and make them disappear, but there you go - they can't.

So, hopefully, with added patience on my part and a bette schedule that I am always striving for, I can solve some of these problems. I hope that we can reach a better balance overseas with fewer distractions and can address these issues. I also feel that by delaying his high school graduation one year, that I can hopefully feel less under pressure and be happier and more relaxed!

We are - moving on!

I have so many updates to give and there isn’t really any excuse why I have been so lazy about writing this blog to let everyone in on the news. However, maybe you all can forgive once I catalogue everything we have been doing. I guess I will separate everything into pieces for easier digestion!

Daddy John’s Job - Well, as you know he travels constantly and is never here. Well, we got some exciting news about a month ago. The equity company he works for has bought a company in London, with major offices in Paris, Barcelona, and Hong Kong, and has asked him to be the CFO for the company. They also bought a company in Seattle that eventually they want to consolidate everything to. Could you ask for anything better? So for the next 18 months to 2 years, we will be getting to travel around Europe and then move back here. We will keep the house in Seattle, after all G4 needs a place to live. Daddy John will be getting a flat in London and in Paris that we can stay in and use as a base for all the travel I am planning. They have given us a huge travel bonus as well so that if I get tired of overseas, well, I can just bring the kids home and relax stateside for a while. The only caveat will be that John can’t stay too long in any one country (no more than 6 months a year) to avoid the taxes, so he will be moving around a lot. But really, I am ok with that.

Amanda is a little skeptical of this whole endeavor with her training, but we have assured her that this is the opportunity of a lifetime and can’t be missed. I figure we will abandon most schoolwork for a year and do mainly history and art while we travel.

I do have a little trepidation about being apart for some time across an ocean from my love. When he travels in the US, I still feel like I can get help if I need it, but now overseas, I feel like he is a world away. Hopefully, we will be able to spend more time together than this past year or so once I can get us over to Europe.

G4 - I can’t leave him out. He turned 18 in March (still can’t believe it). He is a senior at UW with a 3.9 GPA getting his BS in Molecular and Cellular Biology and a Minor in Chemistry with Departmental Honors. The thing about UW is their crazy grading system. They give out only numerical grades. An A+ is a 4.0, an A is 3.75, an A- is a 3.5, a B+ is a 3.2, etc. So it is impossible almost to get a 4.0 GPA. Well, nothing stops this kid. Cumulatively his GPA is a 3.9 but last quarter he got a perfect 4.0 which meant a perfect 100 in all of his classes! I have to hand it to him, he has surpassed Daddy and me! My 3.83 GPA had a lot of A-’s that were still luckily counted as a 4.0 - I don't think I ever got a perfect 100 in a class and he manages to do it ALL the time.

He also started research at the VA and is the second author on a project dealing with gene regulation and expression in the brain. He is doing so well, I am so proud of him. He will be doing grad school applications in the summer - the deadline to apply is December 1. Hopefully if all goes according to plan, he will be starting his PhD in 2015. He has made a lot of friends, is always out, and pretty much runs his own life, except for laundry which I find dropped off in the laundry room, and food shopping, which he fusses when there is nothing in the pantry.

Amanda - This little powerhouse is still going strong with her Olympic dreams. All of her medical conditions are still holding her back though. Thank goodness for the physicians at UW, they have been great. Honestly, we are going to have to assess whether they will ultimately hinder her dreams, but for now, she keeps training to the point of passing out (I am not kidding) 6 days a week and keeping a positive attitude. We have an appointment next Friday to hopefully answer the question as to when she will get surgery on her airway and larynx.

She competed at the World TKD Open last month and took home the Gold Medal for sparring. She was a little powerhouse and even got penalized for being to aggressive, but as she told me after the fight, “There was no way I was going to lose!”

She is turning 15 next week and is still the sweetest, nicest little girl I could ever ask for. 

Alex - OK - the main reason for my blog! Saving the best for last. He is doing great. He started Karate in November and has stuck with it, just earning his orange belt last week. He is doing great in school, almost finished with Algebra 1 and obviously doing that big science fair project. Even though he was poopy about doing the project, he looks back now and is so proud of all that he accomplished with it. He realizes what a great accomplishment that was for him. I can’t believe that he is only 16 sometimes with how mature he has become. He drives everywhere and is so trustworthy. He has a part-time job also tutoring Russian in the homeschooling group. He still plays video games wayyyy to much, but I don’t fuss too much anymore. He does his work and for the most part helps out around the house. He and Amanda are like 2 peas in a pod most of the time. He know takes care of most of the driving of her back and forth to TKD (thank goodness). He also dyed the back of his hair blue - not sure why - but it looks cute.

He continues to settle into life in America, and even said to me the other day that he didn't think he would go back to Ukraine except for some visits. I was really surprised at that but you know what? Secretly happy!

We had a few issues when he connected with his stepmother on VK - that riled me up a little but I have to get used to the fact that he has a half-sister that he wants to maintain contact with. I just asked him to clue me in on the messaging as I was worried about her. He fussed a little at that, since we don’t monitor any of the kids phones, computers, internet usage etc. But once I explained to him that she was an abusive and neglectful person to him, and I had an obligation to protect him, he just grumbled about crazy, overprotective parents but said ok. Thank goodness, we have a close enough relationship that it blew over quickly. I don't think he sees her as abusive and neglectful, but instead of just dissing me, now he listens before he disagrees. I know it will take a while, but I really feel that he needs to look at her for exactly what she was and not romanticize their relationship. I know it will take a while, but I keep poking.

Alex and Amanda still go to the homeschool group occasionally, but as they get older are starting to age out of the activities a little bit. He doesn’t have a lot of friends, but I am ok with that. Terrible right? I guess I look at it as he has the rest of his adult life to make friends, but only these few years with me to cement a family relationship. That trumps friends any day of the week! He just turned to me today in the car as he was driving me home from errands, we were joking about something, and he said to me, “I love the four of you all so much.” Chills!!!! 

He is still the first thing I think about every morning and the last thing I think about before sleep. I keep wondering if ever that will change, but I know that I have a lot of years to make up for that he wasn’t with us. I am constantly worrying about his English, his Russian (not losing it are you?), his schoolwork (should we do more, or am I pushing too hard?), and just about everything else. He laughed at me the other day and said, “Will you stop worrying about everything? You need to calm down and let things just happen.” Then he invited me down to watch him play Grand Theft Auto. So, taking his advice, I went down to the game room with him and started to watch him, got bored and irritated with the bad language, and ended up by falling asleep on his shoulder. After I woke up (a good hour later) he said, “Well, that isn't exactly what I meant, but I guess it worked for you.” What a doll!

GTG now, but I will update you all on our recent vacation and cruise to the Caribbean next.