Rant Over and Moving On

Ok, I got all the nasties out of my system with the last post. I am more objective now and feeling a little more charitable towards others. I know that people are just trying to be nice and help - even if they aren’t actually helping.

Alex had an exciting occurrence a couple of days ago. He and I had written some letters to lawmakers and congressman and ambassadors and such about the Russian adoption situation. Alex was very concerned that Ukraine was starting to investigate adoptions as well. He was adamant that adoptions be allowed to continue and was amenable when I suggested we write letters. At first he wanted only me to do it - he kept saying you are the parent - they want to hear from you. But then when I explained how powerful the message would be from a child who had actually been adopted, he relented and wrote a letter as well.

Well, we sent them off and really didn’t think to much more about them until he got a phone call the other day from the Consul General of the Ukrainian consulate in San Francisco. He was so excited and conversed with the gentleman in Russian for quite some time. The gentleman extended an offer of help with anything Alex needed and gave him his phone number. I think it was an excellent lesson for Alex to realize that indeed, one voice can make a HUGE difference.

This has spurred on our desire to help other kids. Amanda was asking me about adopting another child at one point and I can honestly say no. I don’t know about forever, but I don’t think so. I had one more child I needed to mother, and Alex was the one. From the very first time I saw him, my heart knew. I am fulfilled now and don’t feel the need to mother anything else. I want to help the other children, and wish I could take them, but it would be for charity and not because I honestly felt they were my children. So, we have been doing a lot of things with the Gates foundation and when Alex and I were talking the other day, I thought, what about getting a grant from them to help the orphanage. Alex has always been decrying the poor outdoor facilities like the playground and the small soccer field, so I thought, why not? This will be the project that we will be working on this summer to see if we can do something.

On that note, I suggested he call the orphanage the other night. The first couple of nights we tried, we couldn’t get anyone, but last night, we finally did. The orphanage director, Ludmyla herself answered the phone and then called just about everyone on the staff to talk to him. They were excited to talk to him and wanted us to send some pictures. He was happy after the call, and I was happy that I had suggested it. He is always going to have ties to Ukraine, but if I can broaden them and give him some healthy reasons for being there, like philanthropy, then I think it will be better for him. When he thinks of Ukraine now, he is sad. He misses his friends, family, and has bad memories as well of being mistreated and neglected and being stuck in the orphanage. But if we can turn these around and have him think of Ukraine in terms of a project and give him goals and others to talk to instead of his family, I think it can only help. A purpose and direction can dispel a lot of negativity. So I will keep you updated on this latest venture!

Biting My Tongue

A couple of different events recently have just about broken me down and made me say mean things to others - and I usually don’t even consider doing that. If anything, I swallow my irritation and share my frustrations later to my family. I am pretty non-confrontational but somehow, I need to figure out a comfort level with pushing back to some people.

Let me preface this conversation with the reality being that people that haven’t adopted older kids just don’t understand. I was about to say people that haven’t adopted kids don’t know, but then I thought about it, and I really think I have to discount them as well. If you have adopted an infant, you have for all intents and purposes affected their whole life. Sure, some things you can commiserate with me on, but for the most part, adopting an older child means all of the problems of adoption and all of the problems of having them cared for (or not cared for if you catch my drift) from others. I don’t mean to alienate people that haven’t adopted older kids but I really feel this way sometimes.

Anyway, on with the story. You have heard me complain before about the fact that I daily mourn the fact that I missed so much with Alex. I missed his first 14 birthdays, Christmases, losing his first tooth, etc... There are so many misses, but I am learning that the sting of that goes away as we build up a lot of memories together. We now have a years worth of memories that are starting to fill that void. I know that it will never be enough, but I am getting used to it. But what really gets me is when people judge him on what happened before he was ours. I haven’t done that, G3 and the kids haven’t done that, so what gives anyone else the right to do that? Alex is now OURS, fully and completely, so judge him by the same standards that you judge the rest of us, because those are the standards by which we judge him. He is now held accountable to our life standards and will always be held so. And there is no problem with this. But we recently have had some situations where he has been judged by other parents based upon their conjectures of what might have gone on in his life before he came to us.

This is killing me! Why? Why would people blame him or hold him accountable for things that may or may not have happened several continents away? Why are they judging him any differently from my other two? Why would people invent the worst case scenario of what his behavior was and then warn their kids off? Why is the fact that his skin color is a few shades darker than ours mean that he can go different places or not worry as much about crime or safety?

The reality is that Alex was and is the most caring, kind person I know. He is a kids just like any other 15 year old and a Gardiner child that is educated and treated just like the other two. He was adrift before, without caring people around him and sure, did some things that now he is not proud of - but they were done to survive. Who would blame him now for stealing to eat because he was hungry? But during it all, he cared for the people around him - he cared for his baby sister and was changing her diapers when no one else would answer her cries. When his Grandma needed money for medication, he skipped school and took a bus to pick potatoes to make money. He admits he put his thumb on the scale when the bags were weighed, but he needed the money for her! There are countless other examples that I can give of where he did the best he could in pretty horrific circumstances and now life is finally paying him back with some kindness or is it?

When he is judged as a sociopath with criminal tendencies from other parents, that really isn’t kindness, is it? He isn’t being given the chance to start over, is he? We have offered that chance and within our family, he started with a clean slate - and let me tell you - it is still pretty clean. But when others unfairly place his past back on his shoulders, without context and knowledge, he becomes a victim again. A victim that will always wonder why he can’t seem to rise above his humble beginnings.

Never have I truly been more confronted with a case of guilty until proved innocent. Just because Alex wasn’t mine from the beginning, he is guilty of really any sin that can be imagined. And what really burns me is that just because Amanda and G4 have been raised by us, they are not. Fine, if you want to judge all of us - be my guest, just don’t single out one of us for something they haven’t done and aren’t responsible for.

Amazing A-Day

We celebrated Alex’s first A-day on April 28th. I was worried about how he would take it - after all a year is a long and a short time depending on how you look at it! But as usual, I was more worried than I needed to be. He did fine. He was excited and happy, and didn’t seem upset or anxious at all. He kept asking what presents he was going to get and seemed very comfortable with the whole idea.

I was struggling to find presents that meant something to him. There are always presents to get kids, but I wanted to get things that conveyed the love and commitment we had for him and hopefully that he is developing for us. Toys, sports equipment, and the such just didn’t seem to fit the bill.

So, in the end we gave him a few presents and then ended up by making coupon books for him from each family member that had special things in them. For example, my coupon book had several coupons for Lazy Day - No Schoolwork, or lunch out your choice (since he is always asking to go out to lunch when we are out and about), etc. There were some sleep as late as you want coupons, a clothes shopping trip, and breakfast in bed as well. For G3, he gave Alex coupons for one video game of your choice, a trip to a gun range, a trip to a go-kart track, a movie and popcorn, things like that. Then we all added coupons for things like a board game of your choice, a game of pool whenever you want, and other family building activities.

All in all, it was a marvelous day. Alex commented on how he can’t believe that it has been a year already. He told me that when he was in the orphanage, time seemed to pass so slowly, but now he was upset that it is whizzing by. I explained the idiom, “Time flies when you’re having fun,” and he agreed wholeheartedly.

Back Seat Drivers

Well, yesterday was busy but everything worked out just fine. Amanda was ok with going early to the studio and afterwards we drove to the driver’s ed class. Once we got there, Alex looked at me and said, “Ok, you don’t have to go in with me, just wait for me.” I was so surprised, I almost fell out of the car. I think this came from the fact that there were no other parents there and he saw a bunch of pretty girls checking in. But whatever the reason, he wanted to go alone - after all the rearranging we did! But I just smiled and said, “Ok - no problem.”

I knew that he had been terribly worried and that letting me go was hard, but he had an image to maintain in front of the other kids. But I walked him in anyway and checked him in the class. The teacher saw him, remembered him by name and off Alex went. I made sure that I was close, and saw him during the 10 minute break. He said everything was going well and he was understanding everything fine. The teacher had even called on him for a question that he was able to answer correctly. I think this helped his spirits and he bounced back into the last hour of class with a smile in his face.

After the class, Alexs was happy and relaxed. A little miffed that he had had to sit through 2 boring hours of class, but the anxiety was gone. I asked him how he was going to react in future classes and he said that he was fine and would do ok.

So in the end, I made sure I was there for him and he stepped up to the plate and went alone. I got to spend some time with Amanda and everyone was happy. For a minute I wondered why I was sitting outside if he didn’t want me in the class - we could have stuck with the original plan, but then I realized it was just that, the fact that I was sitting outside available at any minute that allowed him to let go of me. He knew that at a moment’s notice, I was there to step into class with him if her desired. I am glad it all worked out so well. So in the end, I am glad I didn’t make him confront his anxieties head on  because of my time schedule. He eventually did, but on his time schedule.

But an unintended side effect of his driver’s ed class, now Alex drives everywhere we go, but it is now with an annoying commentary on how bad everyone else’s driving is. We will be turning at a light when he will say something like, “I learned yesterday..... and that car in front of me didn’t do it right!” He has become the worst back seat driver to other people. Ack, I can’t imagine when I drive again, which I haven’t since he got his permit, but when I do - OMG it will probably be nothing but a litany of complaints about my driving!

Best Kid Ever and Tough Mommy Decision

Yesterday was a phenomenal day. Alex got up early (8:30am), unbelievable I know, and was ready and raring to go. He helped Amanda and me with more deep cleaning - in fact we finally finished the upstairs. We are giving the house a careful going over one room at a time. We are cleaning baseboards, touching up paint, and rearranging drawers. It is a nuts to bolts cleaning.

Then we sat down and he did a great Algebra lesson, mostly by himself. He was confident and thinking straight and was doing really well. He helped me take all the pets to the vet’s office and was ever so helpful. He was happy and I could almost sense, anxiety free. As I was cleaning up after dinner, he crept up behind me and asked if I needed help. He told me that he noticed that everyone else had vanished and so he came to help out. I told him that just for asking and being so great - he didn’t have to help! Before bed, he wanted to watch a movie but his little eyelids were drooping and he was falling asleep on my shoulder, so he finally gave up and fell asleep at 11:00. I wish every day could be like this one. I felt good about the housework and errands I got done, he felt good about his schoolwork, and we all had a great day together.

But what a contrast to today. He woke up at about the same time, and was immediately asking to cancel the driver’s ed class tonight. He is intensely worried about going to it. He has fussed about helping me clean this morning - he still did it - but it wasn’t with the fun attitude of yesterday. He fussed about schoolwork and then when we sat down to do some, couldn’t even focus to do anything. He started with reading English and kept missing words that I know he knows. It is almost like his brain was shutting down from the worry about tonight. In fact, after a frustrating 30 minutes, I called him on it and explained to him what was happening. He agreed with me and I could see a little bit of the anxiety leave him as he just acknowledged the issues he was feeling. He voiced some specific concerns about what to do in the class if he was asked a question that he didn’t know how to answer.

I hope I alleviated some of his worries but I know that it isn’t enough. I tried to emphasize with him that he wasn’t there to worry about what others thought of him, or to get everything right - he was there to comply with the law and to pass the class so that he could get his driver’s license. But I offered him the choice - to cancel the class and take it in a few months or so when he was more comfortable. Unfortunately, that would mean giving up his learner’s permit as well since the state of Washington only allows a permit if you are enrolled in a class under the age of 16. He thought about it a little bit and then said no, he wanted to continue, but I could tell he wasn’t happy being forced into this situation.

I feel helpless sometimes in these situations. I want to take away all of his anxieties and worries, but at the same time, I need to teach him how to confront them and make sure they don’t ever master him, but that he can master them. We all have worries in life and he has more than average. I know he lives with a chronic level of hyper-alertness with these anxieties and probably has a higher resting stress level than I care to think about. I wish I could sweep these all away.

I know that I could help him tonight - he wants me to go with him as parents were invited to attend each class if they wished. Its just that Amanda has TKD at the same time and she already missed Monday because I had to take him. So, what do I do? It is rarely that I am placed in these situations to directly choose between children, and let me tell you, I don’t like it one bit. Do I disappoint Amanda or cause Alex more stress? There is no other option, Daddy John is out of town again (we haven’t seen him in a while - he’s in Europe on business) and G4 is in class. I hate this!!!!

It’s no fun knowing someone will be fussy with the outcome. Sometimes I wish I had a handy adoption manual to refer to that I could ask questions to and get answers, such as, “Should I let Alex attend class alone tonight and force a little tough love? Or should I disappoint Amanda and explain to her that I can’t take her?” The book in it’s wisdom would give me a clearly defined number rating on each choice taking into account current anxiety level, and future attitude towards mom.

But, I think I already know the answer. Just typing the words tough love decided me - as you all know by reading me thus far, those words aren’t in my vocabulary! I am all about compromise, listening to kid’s needs, altruism, and unconditional love, never cry it out, deal with it on your own, or telling kids what to do. I will juggle my schedule around today to take Amanda to TKD early so that she can practice some, even though it is not class time, and then, go to class with Alex. This way everyone gets most of their needs met. Whew - feel better! I will update later on how it went....

Anxiety Issues

I have recently come to realize that most of Alex’s behavior can be distilled down in terms of anxiety. I know this is an oversimplification of the matter, but in my feeble effort to understand what he is going through, I have had a lot of luck looking at it this way. There are the anxieties that I know are there, new country, new language, new expectations, new family, etc. These we all expect and try to head off as much as we can, but sometimes can’t. I can do nothing about the language part for example.

Then there are the other anxieties, like anxiety about his family left in Ukraine which I can’t relate to as I look at it as better of left since they didn’t do so much for him. He has anxiety about his future, after all, he never really thought he was going to have one. He has anxiety about relationships, after all, they have not gone so well for him in the past, being abandoned by almost everyone he loved. These anxieties and I am sure a thousand more that I can’t even begin to comprehend are there I am sure.

When he is doing something that is irritating or annoying to me, I try to step back and realize that it is usually rooted in an anxiety. For example, we had a homeschooling group outing to a ceramics studio today. The kids had gone last month to create mask and were going back today for painting. The studio is not large and the parents were asked to drop off their kids and then meet around the corner at a coffee shop. Amanda was with Alex, and they had been before, so I felt pretty good leaving them. About 30 minutes after I dropped him off, the phone calls started. I was a little irritated - ok a lot irritated. After all, I am with this kid 24/7, to the point that even when I try to sneak off the go to the bathroom he sometimes stands outside the door of the bathroom! So I was looking forward to a little adult conversation.

I actually missed the first few calls from him as the coffee shop was busy and noisy, but as a good mom, I checked the phone and saw that I had missed 5 calls from him in 30 minutes. So I swallowed my irritation and called him back. I found out that he had left his drink in the car and was thirsty. This is a no brainer for our bio kids. They wouldn’t think twice of looking for a water fountain or asking for a cup of water, but he was worried about it, so I helped him problem solve to ask the studio person for a cup of water. The next call was to ask what I was doing. The next one was to find out if I was having fun. My irritation was boiling over at this point, but after asking I realized that their activity had ended and he was worried about what to do next and when would I be coming back. But this had been covered ahead of time. The studio owner knew that it wouldn’t take the whole time, so he had encouraged the kids to bring a sack lunch (which I had packed for them) and play outside for the duration of the time of the meeting.

When I was irritated, I was looking at this problem from my viewpoint of can’t you leave me alone for 30 minutes? But when I started looking at it from his viewpoint of feeling anxious, I realized that nothing was going to get better until I alleviated his anxiety. So I asked him what Amanda was doing, told him that I would be back in 20 minutes and asked what other teens had shown up. Once I mentioned these things and he verbalized all his friends that were there, the fact that Amanda was happy and playing with the others, and that I knew I had to come back, he seemed much more at ease and didn’t call me back! I think he felt that he answered his questions himself, not me lecturing him. And when we were driving home, he even said unsolicited, “I had a great time today. It was a lot of fun. When can we go back?”

I realized that I had made a small triumph - I had taken a situation in which he was starting to ramp up the negative feelings and then diffused it into a now positive one. Small victory, but I felt good about it. 6 months ago, I would have just rushed back to him so that I could have smoothed things over myself, and while that might have been ok then, I realize that I need to start helping him deal with these anxieties himself. I wouldn’t have thought about it in terms of anxiety back then - I would have just assumed there was a language issue or some other type of issue that only my presence could have solved. 

Alex needs to develop coping skills in life to compensate for what he is feeling and what better way than to start small. I also realized that if I had given into my irritation, I would have ramped up his anxiety by adding to it - what did I do to get mom upset. And what did I loose, not much - I got my adult time out of it - I just lost a few minutes to answer the phone a couple of times. It still amazes me that I am learning so much from him even after all of this time. I see just how far we have come, and yet still how far more there is to go.

I'm Tired of the Differences

      I am sure this will sound whiny, but there are times that I get tired of the fact that Alex is adopted. He feels like he has always been mine, he acts like he has always been mine, so why every once in a while does life reach out and smack you in the face and remind me that no in fact, Alex was not born to me, has not always been with me, and will always be in some respects different.

      I was conversing with another mom at a homeschooling outing and made some reference to Alex’s schoolwork. She looked quizzically at me and then another mom chimed in, “Oh, English is not his native language. He was adopted from Russia.” Okay, not Russia, but close enough I wasn’t going to fuss, and I really didn’t feel like talking about the adoption, the process, how did you decide to do it, what led you to a teenager, etc, etc, etc.

I feel bad, because I know people are only asking due to curiosity and not any malevolent intentions, but I do get tired of the questions. This is hard too, as I know that we need to be ambassadors for teen adoptions. There are few enough of them and most of what is publicized is negative.

I was explaining to someone the other day that initially, I went through a grieving phase where I had to come to terms with the fact that there were 14 birthdays and christmases that I missed. I missed baby teeth, first day of school, and so much more,and there was nothing I could do to get those back. I think I came to terms with that reality, but maybe not since I get so irritated at times when it is brought back up. 

Now don’t get me wrong, I am not always this cranky about it, and usually embrace telling the story. I also really can talk about and consider Alex’s life before me without getting fussy. But there are times when I don’t want it in the forefront of my mind. I want it buried further down so that we can focus on togetherness and the future rather than the past.

So, in that vein, I have embraced the fact that there are things which will occur all too fast for me, but not for Alex, the first of which is driving. He turned 15 in January and has been pestering us to learn how to drive. So, we signed him up for a driver’s ed program and got him his learner’s permit today. He was so excited! Actually, I am really excited about this as I get a break from chauffeuring around. He drove home from the DMV today and then was begging to go out again. In an uncharacteristic offer, he wanted to go run errands, so he could drive!

So watch out streets of Seattle!