A Look Back and a Look Up

Finally, I am feeling better - I feel almost normal. Who would have thought that the right medicine and R&R would have such miraculous effects! I have been back to cooking, cleaning, and doing my normal things. I think everyone is relieved! However, some of the ancillary benefits of this whole time has been better family relations though. We just hunkered down and spent quality time together this summer. Lots of pajama days, going to movies, and home-cooked meals. It has been lazy days and fun.

I was at dinner last night with some lovely women who have either adopted internationally or are in the process. It was such a walk down memory lane to hear about their experiences and contrast those with my own. Every child is different and every family experience is different but the whole process has many similarities. However, it was hard to relive the last year. It is helpful to realize how far we have come as a family, but also hard to remember all the difficult times we have gone through.

There was a lot of discussion about whether or not it was important for the child to have given a definitive answer yes to the question of whether or not they want to be adopted. I explained that I felt it was impossible to get such an answer out of a child. They are conflicted between ties from home and the new but unknown experiences of adoption internationally. Someone asked me when we knew Alex wanted to come and I had such a hard time answering that question. We never got a definitive yes and never communicated with him at the orphanage while we were doing paperwork, so we were going into Ukraine blind. But somehow when we saw him for the first time, we just knew. And I think, he knew too. Alex once told me that he always knew it was only us for him, but is that the same as a “yes I want to be adopted?” - I am not so sure it is. While I know that Alex loves us and is happy, there is still always the knowledge that this was just one chosen path that we somewhat pressured him into and that there are also many others paths that he could have followed, some good and some bad.

There was a lot of uncertainty brought up by this and I felt myself reliving the feelings that I had back then - not a fun thing to do. I don’t want to scare anyone, but once things have been lived through and laid to rest sometimes you don’t want to hear about them again - I mean now Alex is happy and integrated and some of these are moot points. But there is an emotional connection to the memories.

Unexpectedly, on the way home I found myself crying, alone and ridiculously in the car as I considered everything that had happened to bring Alex into our family. Also, the probability of any one of those things going wrong and Alex never having been able to join us. I was freaking out as I thought of the possibility of never having Alex in our life at all.

But once I got home and was able to hug him and hold him in my arms, it was all ok. He seemed to know I needed some extra TLC, even though I denied it. I kept saying I was ok and finally he just pulled me into his arms and said, “Oh please, I know you.” I had to laugh. And as I was tucking him into bed, it was so great to hear the words, “I love you more than anything mom.” 

Life Lessons

       While I was basking in the glow of a lovely Alaskan cruise vacation, my body decided that it was very unhappy and started to go haywire. I ended up with a kidney infection, acute renal failure, and all other sorts of problems that the doctors are trying to sort out. Life has not been fun for a time, as I have had to shut down most of my regular activities and try to recuperate.

I have come to the conclusion that getting older isn’t a lot of fun, my body just won’t do what it should and heal. The up side of all of this is that the kids have rallied around me and been so wonderful. They have taken over a lot of household duties and helped me in day to day tasks, allowing me to rest and heal.

After almost 3 weeks now, my kidneys are back functioning normally, all infections are gone, but I am left with chronic tiredness and an unbelievable lack of stamina. I mean, Alex is waking up before me in the mornings! What’s up with that? So far all the doctors do is draw more and more blood, tell me I am anemic, am developing hypothyroidism, overweight, and might be developing a degenerative muscle disease. Oi vey!

But there are some pretty awesome side benefits, Alex just brought me the best cup of coffee and Amanda is out feeding the dogs so I don’t have to. I am just sitting here in the family room with my feet propped up typing this blog. Life is pretty cozy right now.

Along with the medical issues we have been fighting, we also have been fighting more judgmental behavior and attacks on our family. Jeez, already, I wish people would get a clue and stop. I just had someone say to me the other day that I had to be careful of Alex and his “checkered past” and then someone else told me that they felt so sorry for Alex because I was keeping him so close to the family and not letting him spend the night for a sleepover with a friend and that I was causing him to miss so many experiences.

Yikes, how come no one ever says look how much you ARE offering. Or maybe, great that there is a family now that will look out for you! The kids have been embroiled in this controversy as well because on their own, they didn’t want to separate from me and then were called liars and told they were just protecting me. We were also told that I was making up Amanda’s medical problems to keep her by my side and out of certain activities. Unbelievable.

But when we sat down as a family to talk about everything, Alex said to me, “I don’t care if you don’t let me go anywhere, I know we have 14 years to make up for when we weren’t together.” Tearjerker I know.

And on top of everything, Daddy John has been out of town in China on business this whole time! He has been unable to call and the few times he has reliable internet to Skype - I am either in the car or in the grocery store. It has been frustrating. I have emailed him a few times - but oh boy will he get an earful when he gets home!

So, these past few weeks have been all about learning some hard lessons. One for me that my body is not without issues and I need to listen to it more carefully, and two, that a strong family base is needed to resist the attacks that can happen to your way of life and three, that people love to pass judgment about subjects they know nothing about!

This is what adoption is all about!

This picture sums it all up - it makes everything worthwhile! Can’t express in words how much I love Alex, Amanda, and G4 and how complete they make my life.

We just got home from a cruise to Alaska and had so much fun! It was Alex’s first time on a boat and he thoroughly enjoyed it. I have noticed that in the beginning he had a lot of trepidation about new experiences but now, that anxiety is less. It is still there, he has trouble trusting us, but it’s definitely less.

He was able to speak Russian with a lot of people - there were many crew members that were from Eastern Europe and Russian speaking countries. It was good practice for him, as I worry about his lack of ability to speak Russian with others on a daily basis.

Here we are ziplining in Skagway, Alaska.

Here we are after whale watching in Juneau, walking back to the cruise ship.

Docking in Victoria - looking forward to the evening in Butchart Gardens.

Yay for Alex!

Alex just had a major victory with his English fluency yesterday. He took his knowledge test for driving in English and passed it! We are so proud of him. He was very worried about it as there was a time limit and there was a lot of reading involved. But he was fine and actually accomplished it in record time - 20 minutes for the 25 questions.

I think this experience has given him a lot of confidence in his own abilities. He came over with only a minimal smattering of English and now can read at about the 9-10th grade level. He was initially very suspicious of my way of teaching as all other people we know who have adopted internationally have sent their kids to some sort of school or had some tutor or help. We decided to go it alone, just the two of us, and I am happy to say - it worked out!

It has been the first real outside validation of the work that he has done and I think it had energized him. Alex never really had a lot of success in school before (ok - make that none) and to have this feather in his cap, he is starting to look at himself in a different way. He even mentioned that he had believed every one in Ukraine when they called him stupid, but now he is starting to question it.

This made me so happy, as these self-images that he came to us with are the pits and really are going to be self-fulfilling prophecies if we can’t break them. I am also so happy because I feel validated. Lots of people have been pushing me to be more regimented and dictatorial with Alex, but I have found letting him guide the way himself with my encouragement to be the ticket. I think going at his own pace has allowed him to process the information better and be more receptive to learning.

We still have a long way to go with academic vocabulary, but this was an important first step.

Photo Update

We have been crazy lately with summer activities, but I wanted to post some photos.

Our homeschooling group is really active and had a swing dancing lesson for the teens last week. The kids all loved it and Amanda and Alex were having a great time. Just in time for this summer's formal as well.

Alex is finally taller than Amanda now much to her irritation and his happiness. It always bugged him that she was so tall, but her growth has slowed down while his is still plugging along.

We also went camping with the teens homeschooling group this past weekend and had a blast. It was Alex's first real camping trip and he threw himself into the activities. We had 2 campsites, one for the kids and one for the motor home and us! We had a big tent for the girls and all of Amanda's friends, a tent for Alex and a friend, and G4's backpacking tent, which is supposed to fit two people but with G4's size is more like G4 and a shoe. Our campsite was the kid site with bonfires every night, food continuously, and smores. I feel like I did nothing but feed kids all weekend long! We are all exhausted now and I am buried under an avalanche of post-campout laundry but it is a good tired.

                                                  Making breakfast and goofing off!

                                                           Group Picture at Beach.

                                                  All the teens in one place - a miracle.

                                       The - haven't I posed for enough pictures look! - jeez!

                                                      G4 relaxing and playing games.

We all had so much fun, it was hard to leave, but back to some semblance of a normal life here - school work, house work, and such.

I Love Summer

We are having so much fun this summer already. It kicked off with a week of wonderful weather, clear blue skies and 70 degree temperatures. We went kayaking yesterday and swimming in Lake Sammamish. It was heavenly. Amanda and Alex immediately commandeered the kayaks and off they went.

We are also getting started with our summer schedule of classes and having a lot of rearrangement with them. I have finally had to put my foot down on some of the activities that we do. There simply isn’t enough time in the day to do all of the things we want to do and still be able to get some school work done. So I have decided that we would pull back and spend more time at home.

In a funny coincidence, my van needed to go into the shop for some repairs and we have been forced to have some down time at home. Since it fit in well with my new schedule, I have embraced the home time and really gotten a lot done. I have been able to read more to the kids, clean the house, and catch up on laundry.

And speaking of reading, I have reinstituted my nightly reading to the kids. I used to read to G4 and Amanda for hours every day up to when G4 went into college. It was such a part of our life that we all look fondly back on. I had done some reading here and there to Alex, but it was more along the lines of 20-30 minutes a couple of times a week. Well, no more. We are listening to an audiobook of 20,000 Leagues Under the Sea every afternoon for about 30 minutes and then I am reading to the kids at night for about 1 hour. I was struggling to find a good book that would engage both Amanda and Alex and I finally hit upon it - The Three Investigators Series. I remember loving the stories when I was growing up and they have been a big hit. Even better - I found the ebooks free on the internet.

So, we are loving the warm, rain free days, enjoying the freer schedule, and generally lazing around!

World of Warcraft Gets Limits

Alex’s favorite game is World of Warcraft. He plays that game for at least several hours every day and so far I haven’t been too worried about the time on the game - it does teach him a lot of English. He has learned how to type a lot of English as well since he has to regularly communicate with other players around the world. It does entail a fair amount of reading and while we do assist him, we do try to let him figure it out on his own.

But recently, as our schedule has gotten more busy, I decided to limit the use of the game to morning and evening and leave his school time which is always between the hours of 12 and 6 free of its influence. (Don’t panic and think that I do 6 hours of schoolwork with him everyday! It is more like 2-3 but it is always between the hours of 12-6 usually.)

When I announced this, I was really bracing myself for trouble. This was really the first time that he had had limits put on things he really liked doing. Usually all of our other behavior modifications were very mild and slow and measured. This was kinda out of left field.

But I was so surprised. He looked at me and whined for about 30 seconds, trying to get me to change my mind, but once he realized that I could not be swayed, he said ok and that was that. He even asked me if he needed to stop playing all together, but I told him, no of course not. And that was that - there has been no fussing or complaining since. And several times during those hours when he has not be doing school work with me, instead of asking to use the computer, he has gone and grabbed a book in Russian to read or gone outside to play.

He really is a great kid and has been so easy to handle. I feel so fortunate that he is able to be so flexible and malleable. He doesn’t dwell on things that he can’t change and moves on. I think this is such a valuable habit that will be immensely powerful later on in life. I am thinking of putting some more limits on him, but already the benefits of just that small change are reaping big rewards. We are doing on average two more lessons a day than we were before.

This brings me to a point here about these kids. I know many people vehemently disagree with the way I go about things with Alex. They (including many in my own family) would start from the position that you closely regulate everything (like video games) and as the children do well or progress, you can gradually lighten up and allow more freedom. I am diametrically opposite that, as I allowed all the freedom he wanted in the beginning and then started very late to put limits on and at that, almost negligible limits at that that were very little hardship on him. 

My reasoning is that my way shows the child the importance of self-regulation and almost leads them into decisions on their own. This limit on World of Warcraft was only placed after Alex said to me one day during an Algebra lesson that he wished he was less of a lazy cake and more motivated. When he voiced this, I knew that he wanted to change and was looking for help in how to do it and that I needed to be a parent. I then imposed the limit the next day and told him that this would remove a lazy cake temptation and help him do what he wanted. I think that is why he responded so well to it without fussing more.

I think the other way is the more standard method of parenting, but I don’t think that it teaches the child as much responsibility. It takes control away from them in the beginning, making them resentful and already puts you in a bad light and them into a mind frame of rejecting your advice or guidance. Anyway, time will tell I guess. Maybe I will be sitting here in a couple of years wondering what I did wrong! Let’s hope not, but you never know.

But for now, we have some limits, they are working and I am just going to go with what is working now. Summer is approaching, and I have plans to do some fun things over summer and catch up on a lot of stuff that was missed during the year. We will have lazy days, late nights, movie marathons, as well as extra math lessons, expository writing and science experiments.