Self-Sabotage

I wanted to discuss something that I have seen with Alex, and see if any others have had similar experiences and it is the topic of self-sabotage. It recently came up around New Years this year and I think I finally am able to spot these instances now whereas in the beginning, I wasn’t. Oh I wish these kids came with a manual!

I know that New Years in Ukraine is a BIG deal - much bigger than here in America, especially for our family. We have never really gone all out for New Years - maybe we are old fuddy-duddies or worried about drinking and driving, etc. But we just haven’t gotten into the party swing of things. We always go watch fireworks or something, but it seems a little toned down to the stories that I hear about other places.

Alex was talking to me last year about missing new years in Ukraine (his first New Years with us) and was upset when thinking about the partying he was missing. There was no way our family was going to live up to his memories or expectations, especially since his memories included smoking, drinking, and girls if you get my drift.

But luckily, everything was a moot point as Alex became sick with the flu about 3 days before New Years and really wasn’t feeling good enough to do anything. So, we bundled him up in the car, ran out to the Space Needle and watched fireworks from the windows in the car, and were home in 30 minutes or so. At least it was a little something.

But this year, I was starting to worry again. Especially since he is more integrated in the family now than a year ago - his idea of a crazy party is really light years away from what is in our vernacular. So I was wracking my brain trying to think of fun things that maybe could make everyone happy. This is impossible. Hubby and Alex ready to party but hubby doesn't want to spend a lot of money, and everything is twice as expensive on a holiday. Amanda and I wanted easy and fun but not cold or wet (again impossible in Seattle) and G4 wanted to stay home and be a hermit. So there was nothing!!!!

But I had pieced together this elaborate plan of parking, walking, eating, in downtown Seattle with a lot of backup plans every step of the way  - it was really elaborate and complicated but about two days before New Years Alex complained of back pain. He said he hurt it at Karate. I was skeptical but iced it and kept him quiet etc. but on the 31st he really seemed to be in discomfort. So my elaborate plans were cancelled to once again to make way for watching the fireworks from the car. I don’t think anyone was really upset. We went a little earlier than last year and found a good parking place at the top of Capitol Hill and staked out a great spot to watch the fire works. Alex was walking around, talking and chasing G4 and Amanda around - the kids were having a great time waiting for the fireworks to begin. No back pain anywhere.

Either there was a miracle cure or it was a little bit of a fib. But in considering the episode later, I realized that there was a little self-sabotage going on. There was no way Alex was going to get his received needs met so he decided subconsciously to make an excuse to himself so that there weren’t bad feelings arising from his new restricted life with family. I think it was his way of reconciling the fact that he had wants but these wants were in direct conflict with the reality that he enjoyed now. I hope this makes sense, because the more I thought about it, the more I think this really happened.

As I look at other instances, I have started to see more and more cases of this behavior in him and I think that it is a coping mechanism he is developing to deal with these instances. I just don’t know if this is a good coping mechanism or not.

In the case of New Years - it worked out fine. Everyone was happy, we enjoyed our night and there was no fussing or complaining from the children. So in this case, it worked out fine. But what about some other instances. What about the time when he was feeling out of place at the Police explorers meeting and dealt with it by saying he really didn't want to be a policeman anymore and had changed career paths? He had had a run in with some of the kids making fun of his accent and birthplace and had been upset but kept insisting he wasn’t. Then about 2 weeks later said that he wasn't interested in law enforcement anyway.

Or what about when he stopped his Capoeria lessons saying he wasn't interested in it anymore but really because he was embarrassed that he wasn't picking up the gymnastics moves as quickly as he wanted and he was embarrassed about gaining weight.

Or what about when he found a really nice girl to hang out with but suddenly stopped texting her or answering her calls saying he wasn't interested in her anyway because she was dumb?

Or what about when we were planning a big outing over a weekend but he got a headache and sore throat?

I could go on and on with examples but I have to wonder how destructive this behavior is. Is it good that he is protecting himself or is it bad that he isn't true to himself and honestly facing fears and anxieties? I am going to answer the questions as best as I can, but it doesn't leave me warm and fuzzy - there has to be a better answer.

But the answer I have now is that it depends and for now, I am willing to let it happen. This kid has already been through enough. And just like a little baby that shuts down when in a loud, raucous environment that its neural system cant handle, I think he shuts down when he can’t handle things. When something might be too painful, or scary to face, his body takes over and calls the shots. Whether it needs to take over or not, it does.

I think that as Alex ages, he needs to face some of these things, but for now, I am ok with letting him take the path of least resistance. I feel though that I need to get better at catching these instances as some day it will be up to me to point them out to him and help him cope with the them. I can’t be blind to what’s going on. So back to my second point - where was the manual when we adopted Alex!!!!

Take a Deep Breath

Ok, time to take a deep breath and relax! How can a child be so cute and sweet and nice and you love them so much and at the same time sprout horns and you want to squash them? Alex is there in that space now!

He has been mouthy and rude to Grandma, me, and everyone else. But then he will turn around and be sweet and smiling and helpful. Arghhh! Oh, the teenage brain and its problems. I was waiting at the doctors office the other day for Amanda and picked up a magazine that had an article on the teenage brain. It was suggested that the angst and trouble of teens was an evolutionary safety mechanism that had evolved. While I can totally see this, it doesn’t make it any easier on the parents.

I sometimes have to bite my tongue as I know that Alex doesn't mean to hurt people but many times that is the outcome. While this behavior isn’t solely found in adoptees (trust me G4 is as mouthy as it can get!) it seems that I have more trouble dealing with it in Alex than my bio kids. Why? - I don’t really know yet.

I think that it is he doesn't take redirection yet well. He is not used to parental influences or parents laying down the law so to speak and on the unbelievably rare occasion that it happens - he gets overly upset (shaking the foundation of his view of our relationship) or overly nasty (wanting to fight back and basically say I didn't want you in the first place - I was doing fine before you came to get me). 

Getting overly upset is difficult to deal with as I want to always reassure Alex of our love but in doing so, the discipline or lesson I was trying to get across is ultimately forgotten in me trying to talk to him about our love for him and his permanent place in our family. And the times he gets nasty back - well, I just swallow my words and walk away.

I know these are just Alex’s issues - not mine. I also know that they are getting better - slowly and steadily, but waiting for them to extinguish if ever can be frustrating. I know that they stem from not understanding family dynamics fully and understanding his place in the family.

The first 18 months with him have gone by in a whirlwind. I am sure now that he understands we are forever for him, and that there is nothing he can do to get rid of us, but that is where we are. I must admit I get a little impatient with that fact. I wish we were further along. I wish that he understood family dynamics better and understood how to respond to criticism and censure better.

I recently talked to a psychologist friend about this matter and while she was supremely unhelpful (I wanted the 10 step program to fix everything perfectly) she did say that we have moved into another phase of interaction with Alex. And she is right - I was thinking that there was only one phase to go through - no family to accepting family totally. But boy was I wrong - there are many subtle layers to navigate through and understanding and navigating each one is dependent on the others but in no way will make the subsequent layers irrelevant. They will need to be passed through on their own.

So, I feel a little like I had finished a journey and was standing at the end of the road only to have a curtain lifted and to see the road continuing off in the distance without any end. I know this sounds a little defeatist and I don’t mean it to.

While I am dealing with the mouthiness, the schoolwork issue seems to have fixed itself. This week Alex has been churning out wonderful work and has exceeded my expectations with some of his work. This has been a major source f worry for me over the past several months, but we seem to have reached a tipping point where he is happier doing work and less reluctant and really engaging on several topics.

So, while we solve one problem, we work on others. For now, the mouthiness is just brushed off and ignored. On the few occasions that I can’t ignore it - I will just say, “We don’t use bad words like that,” or, “That wasn’t very nice,” and just leave it at that. Hopefully after the 10 millionth time I say these things, they will sink in!

Busy Fall and New Developments

We have been crazy busy this fall, so I feel like I should have a list of accomplishments to justify this feeling of busy, but unfortunately, I don’t. I seem to have been crazy busy without getting much accomplished!

However, I think I am just going to have to get used to that feeling! The whole family is doing pretty good, but there have been some pretty interesting developments that I wanted to share. The first deals with Alex’s career path. He had initially pushed back and refused to talk about his future and say only, “I don’t have a future, I will die soon, just like my dad.” Sad, sad, sad. Hard to hear, but I guess most kids coming out of orphanages feel the same. They live in the moment as there might not be a future for them.

Then once I was able to get through to him that there was a future, he went through the kiddie developmental stages of wanting to be a policeman, spy, etc. It was so cute to see it, but at the time, I took it seriously as this is really what he might want. John and I were thinking, hmmm, civil service career, pretty smart. But recently, he has changed his mind again and this one seems to be sticking - at least over the past 3 months. He has really found his passion in the Sociology course that he took over the summer and so I have continued it - but it has more morphed into Psychology. He is reading a book called Evil and its causes, or something like that and discussing it every week with his teacher. Ok, I am reading it to him as it is a college text, but you understand, right?

He LOVES to debate and talk about these issues. And then even suggested getting an early start in his career and doing some studies - so low and behold, he is doing a science fair project that deals with adopted children - he designed a questionnaire and sent it out to people and is going to study the results. In a funny turn of events, Adoption Today magazine found out about it and wants to interview him and have him share the results of his study! He is over cloud 9. Now he is talking about getting his doctorate and believing that he can do it. I am a little more pragmatic - he has a lot of lost ground to make up for - but I do know that where there is a will, there is a way.

The change from a kid who wouldn’t even talk about the future to now has been remarkable. We are so happy that he has found his passion. Makes life so much easier.

The other development has been a change in the way he views himself. He was always the “bad boy” smoker, drinker, womanizer….. you all know. But recently, he was hanging out with a friend at park day with our homeschooling group (and I haven’t liked this kid, the kind you know is bad news, but I have kept my mouth shut) and when I came to pick the kids up, he was with another group. I asked what had happened and Amanda and Alex said, “Oh, we don’t like so and so any more.” I of course had to pursue this one, “Why ever not?” while doing my happy dance!

Apparently this kid had asked Alex for money and alcohol. Alex had replied I don’t drink anymore to which the kid said thats ok, you can smoke while I drink. Whereas, Alex replied, I don’t smoke either anymore - that’s not my life anymore. And off he went. What this other kids doesn’t understand is that to Alex that lifestyle wasn’t cool or to be ‘bad’ - but necessary to survive. By rejecting it, Alex has embraced his new life. Talk about happy, happy, happy!!!! I was so thrilled that without lecturing or anything on my part, he had chosen the right path and was proud of it. Amanda had overheard the exchange and told me later that she was so proud of the way he put the other kid in his place and then separated from him. But…. we haven’t fixed the girl problems, they are still all over him and he doesn’t push them away….. oh well, two out of three ain’t bad!

I know some people think I am just a lazy parent, I don’t like to confront about topics, but I guess I feel if there can be a good outcome without my intervention, how much more powerful that is, rather than me imposing. If I imposed my way, life would be easier for me, but I don’t know that it would be easier for Alex later on. He has to realize some things by himself.

And if he had made arrangements to drink and smoke? I honestly don’t know exactly what I would have done other than to give him a big hug and kiss and tell him I love him anyway even though he had made a bad choice. I think I would have let him fall off the wagon and then picked up the pieces afterwards when he hopefully would have realized that it wasn't fun or cool, but a pathetic attempt to recapture a time past, that was gone. I think he would have learned from that too, but I am so happy that I don’t have to now!

Along those lines, Alex was fussing about his workout schedule. He wants to work out every day but laziness takes over and he ends up by spending more free time in front of video games and the computer than in the exercise room. He was fussing at me the other day as to why I don’t make him workout or be more productive. I told him that I could make him do these things - I could insist on an Algebra lesson every day, and waking up early, and a regular fitness schedule. I certainly could impose these, but I didn’t want to. I am happy with him making his own schedule - and accomplishing 2-3 Algebra lessons a week, sleeping until he wakes up, and working out haphazardly. It’s his life I told him and only too soon I will not be there to force him to do these things. If I impose these now, when he is out on his own, he will not have developed the skills on his own and will need external guidance. But if I let him develop the internal motivations now, on his own, when I am here to help mold and guide, they will be there for life. So, I am content sometimes to let things slide now for a better way later. He wasn’t so sure about this and was grousing he wanted me to make him do things, but hopefully he will see the truth of my ways - or maybe not. Time will tell!

Or maybe the truth of the matter is that I am really lazy! But either way, I am pleased about the progress he is making and the abilities he has developed. I have so much to be thankful for.

Happy Thanksgiving Everyone!

Vacation Time - Hawaii

I feel so bad that I am just writing this now, but I think I am trying to stretch out the vacation feeling a little bit longer. We have been home a week now from 2 glorious weeks in Hawaii. It was a great family vacation, in fact the best we have had in a long time. It was the first vacation where we noticed that Alex was totally at ease. He accepted the trip, was looking forward to new experiences, and was excited to do new things. Not that he hasn’t had fun on previous vacations - I don’t want to imply that. It is just that now he seemed totally at ease whereas before, we could detect some anxiety or at times difficulty adjusting to so many changes in his life all at once - something vacation tends to bring on.

The first week we were in Oahu, right off of Waikiki Beach. Because of a snafu in hotel reservations, we ended up in a single hotel room (all 5 of us). At first we were bummed - that is a lot of people in one room, but actually it turned out fine. The room had two double beds, and a pull out sofa and we requested a cot so that all the kids had their own bed and Daddy John and I shared. Even though it was cramped quarters, everyone got along and I think all became just a little bit closer. When you are that close as a family - you have to laugh a little at yourself and go with the flow! Sharing one timy bathroom all makes you a little closer as well!

Oahu was fun. We visited the North Shore, went snorkeling in Haunauma Bay, and spent endless days at the beach. We bought Alex tacky Hawaiian shirts and ate enough malasadas to sink a boat. We visited the Arizona Memorial at Pearl Harbor also. Then after a week, we flew to Kuaui and settled into a 2 bedroom condo, but I think everyone was a little nostalgic for our close quarters in Oahu.

We went horseback riding, more snorkeling, hiking and on our last day, we took a zodiac raft ride out to the Napoli Coast, a place only accessible by boat. The snorkeling was FANTASTIC! We saw turtles, dolphins and baby dolphins, rays, and so much more. We were so sad to come home, but I think a little tired of the sun. All of us were burned except for golden boy Alex who now looks like a native - with tanned golden skin and lighter hair from his time in the sun.

All in all, a successful venture and one that I hope has turned the tide of vacations for Alex into something to be concerned about to something that is routine and enjoyable.

Addendum to school days

Ok, I feel really stupid now. I was getting so caught up in describing what I teach Alex, that I forgot half of what he is doing. Oh well, at least I caught it. I was making up a sheet to cover the next month of school work, because I need to have some method of tracking classes that he is taking without me and I realized that I had forgotten so much. So here it is:

World History - Alex said early on that he liked History, so we started with the Usborne Encyclopedia of World History. I would just read him a page or two every day. We also listened to a lot of the Jim Weiss CD’s and saw a lot of historical documentaries and movies. There was a lot of western history that wasn’t taught and even the Russian history he had known was wildly skewed. We have tried to do living history as well with things like the Ren Faire etc. Nothing brings history alive like costumes and walking around pretending!

But now that Alex is more competent in English, he is taking a World History course taught for our homeschool group. There are 8 other kids in it and it is a year long course that is prep for the AP exam, but obviously, he will not be taking it. They meet for a couple of hours twice a week and it is taught more a college style seminar. So far, he seems to respond really well to that type of learning - there is no busy work, only essays that need to be written every few weeks analyzing things they have learned.

World Geography - Alex said he wanted to learn geography so I purchased the Kingfisher Guide to World Geography and we do a page every day. We started with basic things like latitude/longitude, and maps etc. Very basic middle school stuff, but now we are into studying the individual countries and have been making more progress. Amanda is doing it with him and is enjoying it as well.

Critical Thinking - I worry a lot about critical thinking obviously! I got some analogy workbooks and other puzzler type workbooks from critical thinking press and every once in a while (once a week or so) Alex will do one of the workbook pages. We started with a second grade workbook which really ticked him off but as his English has progressed, we have been able to do more. We are now in a high school work book much to his happiness.

Unit Studies - Occasionally the kids express an interest in certain subjects, so we will do short unit studies. One that was popular this summer was Greek and Roman mythology. We are currently starting one on the Pacific front of WW2. 

Ok - I think this covers it!

School Evaluations

As you all know, I chose to homeschool Alex (more out of laziness than anything else). After all, the other kids had been homeschooled, and that is the life I know best. Well, in Utah, there are no requirements for homeschooling but here in Washington there is the requirement of a yearly evaluation for progress. It can take the form of a standardized test or it can be an individualized eval, but nonetheless, it must get done.

When we moved here last year, in October, I contacted a tester and had a baseline evaluation done on Alex. She herself was an ESL student as a teen (Spanish though) and she had given me some good ideas on what to do schoolwork wise with him. So we have been plugging along and finally last week, we had our yearly evaluation. Alex was scared as I think he still feels if he doesn’t perform up to snuff, that he is out of here. Ridiculous, but there you go. I was assuaging him that everything was going to be ok, when the doorbell rang. It was the same lady and you could tell he was so anxious to please her.

So the eval got under way. She asked him to read a passage out of a middle school earth science book, she looked at some samples of his writing in English and then asked him a bunch of questions. Then she had him do a couple of random Algebra problems. Finally, when I thought he would explode, she stopped and said, “Let’s talk.” I must confess, I felt a little worried also!

She told us then that she had never seen anyone learn so much English so fast. She was amazed at his math - she said she had given those same problems to native speaking kids that couldn’t get them right. She also said that his reading was almost on grade level of native speakers as well. His writing is coming along more slowly, but his dictated essays and the such were on grade level she felt as well. I think Alex was astounded! He really didn’t expect that. I think he compares himself against Amanda all the time and comes up lacking which I keep telling him not to do.

She gave him the happy news that he was on track for the 10th grade this year and if he continued to progress would be graduating with Amanda in 2016 and on track for college. He was ecstatic - it was so cute to see.

So, at the risk of boring everyone - I wanted to just catalogue what I have been doing with Alex at home this past year. I have been so fortunate to receive so much good advice from people that I want to pass it along. Hopefully you all will find some useful things in it for you all.

English - I don’t teach spelling, grammar, or word usage. I have been concentrating on vocabulary. I have a SAT book that lists the 500 most common SAT words - so every week he gets a new word or two. These are taped on the fridge and are memorized by the whole family and then used by everyone, including Alex. It is so cute to hear him use them! The other day I told a little fib and he yelled, “Mom is fabricating a story!” Every week he has to write the words in a list but I don’t test him on them. Once we get twenty or so words, then we start a new list. He uses a HOT DOTS set of reading comprehension questions (grade 4-6) to read and answer on his own (a couple of cards a week). He also is required to write one English sentence a week using an idiom. I have a deck of cards with an idiom on each card with a cute picture (like you can count on me and shows a picture of a person with numbers all over them). He has to write a sentence using the idiom. Grammar or spelling is not corrected but the overall meaning is if necessary. I think now he will be doing two idioms a week and I will ask for two sentences going forward. We also have been using the reading comprehension worksheets from www.englishforeveryone.com - they are wonderful and complete. We have worked our way through almost all of them.

Literature - For reading, Alex has to read a “classic” book every 2-3 months of my choice in Russian. For example, the last one was A Midsummers Nights Dream by Shakespeare. Then we discuss it - eventually I would like to see an essay - but for now talking about it is enough. If there is a movie or play of it - then we go see it. This is getting hard for me as there are limited books in our library - but thankfully I think enough for a while. I am up for suggestions on his next couple of books if anyone has any ideas. I was thinking some Mark Twain maybe.

English reading - Alex is required to read one fun book every week in English - these I choose below grade level - right now he is reading Magic Tree House books for example. I want them to be easy and fun and enjoyable. He fusses a little and wants to move it along - he is asking for Harry Potter in English - but for now - I want it slow. I want him to get a good appreciation for the language in a non-threatening way. I also read out loud to Alex every chance I get. Almost every day I read to him about 20-30 minutes a day of any book of his choice. Currently we are reading the Zombie Survival Guide.

Russian - A couple of months ago, I went into freakout mode as Alex forgot a word in Russian. So, I hired a tutor that is a native Russian speaker that works at University of Washington in the Slavic languages department. She is wonderful (if a little bit of a tough task master) and has been working with Alex once a week. She gives him poems to memorize in Russian and has him writing one essay a week in Russian. She told him that his Russian is already degrading and is being very strict about keeping him skills up. He also fusses a little about how hard she is, but I think he is happy that he is keeping his Russian up. He also is doing (albeit) very slowly, an online course in Russian so that he can have transcript proof of competency.

Math - I had started Alex in algebra 1 but there were hue gaps in his knowledge (like fractions and decimals for example), so we back tracked a little into pre-algebra. But now we have a pretty good schedule of 3 algebra lessons a week and 1-2 catch up pre-algebra lessons a week. I am considering this year pre-algebra and next year algebra 1 but in reality - it is just algebra 1 spread out over 2 years. At first Alex needed me by his side doing each problem with him, but now - he is happy to do them on his own as long as I am near for help.

Science - I started Real Science 4 Kids middle school Geology with Alex a couple of months ago and he really likes it. The reading is of a level that he can do on his own - he reads the textbook out loud to me. And then he likes the hands on aspect of the labs. We also bought him a rock kit to augment the books. After this is done, we will move onto Physics and Chemistry. For life sciences, I purchased some Bio-Lab software with virtual dissections. We have finished the frog and are now working on the fish one. Next we will go to the cat. The CD format is great because there are labs and extras on the CD and there is no smell!

Sociology - I found a grad student at UW that is young and enthusiastic to teach Amanda and Alex a sociology course. I really wanted to focus on his higher order critical thinking skills (something I find lacking in soviet era culture). I want him to understand the importance of not having any fixed beliefs and the importance of questioning everything even if it is an important tenet of belief to him. In this spirit, we read the book “The Social Animal” by David Brooks. It was a very complicated book and probably only about 50% was truly understood by Alex, but each week, we read a chapter and then he dictated 3 paragraphs back to me about what he understood from the chapter. It was hit or miss sometimes, but after reading the whole book (and spending a year on this) he was really starting to analyze the content and agree or disagree with it as per his thoughts. It was so gratifying to see the change as we went through the book. Each week, I would email what he dictated to the tutor and then they would meet and discuss. This further helped to push him. At the end of the book, Alex dictated a full 5 paragraph essay to me complete with a thesis statement! I was so proud. The whole experiment worked so well that we are starting another book called This Will Change Everything which is a series of short essays by leading world figures talking about which future events (maybe artificial intelligence, or cloning for example) will revolutionize our future. I intend to continue this indefinitely with contemporary books as I think it will help Alex catch up on a lot in modern society that he will have to navigate.

Fine Arts - Not my strong point! Alex has been doing drum lessons (Santa brought a drum set) but I would like a more formal curriculum - any ideas? We go to a lot of plays (at least once a month) and concerts. And at least once a month are at a museum but again - he tends to flit through them pretty fast. Ok - I am sure this is my fault as I would rather be at a science museum than an art museum.

Sorry for my long and lengthy post about school but I am just so proud of Alex and what he has accomplished. The down side for him though is now I know what he is capable of and I am demanding more out of him!

A Look Back and a Look Up

Finally, I am feeling better - I feel almost normal. Who would have thought that the right medicine and R&R would have such miraculous effects! I have been back to cooking, cleaning, and doing my normal things. I think everyone is relieved! However, some of the ancillary benefits of this whole time has been better family relations though. We just hunkered down and spent quality time together this summer. Lots of pajama days, going to movies, and home-cooked meals. It has been lazy days and fun.

I was at dinner last night with some lovely women who have either adopted internationally or are in the process. It was such a walk down memory lane to hear about their experiences and contrast those with my own. Every child is different and every family experience is different but the whole process has many similarities. However, it was hard to relive the last year. It is helpful to realize how far we have come as a family, but also hard to remember all the difficult times we have gone through.

There was a lot of discussion about whether or not it was important for the child to have given a definitive answer yes to the question of whether or not they want to be adopted. I explained that I felt it was impossible to get such an answer out of a child. They are conflicted between ties from home and the new but unknown experiences of adoption internationally. Someone asked me when we knew Alex wanted to come and I had such a hard time answering that question. We never got a definitive yes and never communicated with him at the orphanage while we were doing paperwork, so we were going into Ukraine blind. But somehow when we saw him for the first time, we just knew. And I think, he knew too. Alex once told me that he always knew it was only us for him, but is that the same as a “yes I want to be adopted?” - I am not so sure it is. While I know that Alex loves us and is happy, there is still always the knowledge that this was just one chosen path that we somewhat pressured him into and that there are also many others paths that he could have followed, some good and some bad.

There was a lot of uncertainty brought up by this and I felt myself reliving the feelings that I had back then - not a fun thing to do. I don’t want to scare anyone, but once things have been lived through and laid to rest sometimes you don’t want to hear about them again - I mean now Alex is happy and integrated and some of these are moot points. But there is an emotional connection to the memories.

Unexpectedly, on the way home I found myself crying, alone and ridiculously in the car as I considered everything that had happened to bring Alex into our family. Also, the probability of any one of those things going wrong and Alex never having been able to join us. I was freaking out as I thought of the possibility of never having Alex in our life at all.

But once I got home and was able to hug him and hold him in my arms, it was all ok. He seemed to know I needed some extra TLC, even though I denied it. I kept saying I was ok and finally he just pulled me into his arms and said, “Oh please, I know you.” I had to laugh. And as I was tucking him into bed, it was so great to hear the words, “I love you more than anything mom.”