Just one more thing

Dearest Dema,

Well, since I last wrote to you I have learned a lesson in humility. After our home study was done and the immigration paperwork sent off, I was feeling very superior. I was thinking, "This adoption paperwork isn't that hard - we are most of the way done and it hasn't been too bad." This was accompanied by many slaps on the back and expressions of job well done and aren't I just the thing!

Well Dema, remember in life there is always just one more thing. And this one more thing was 17 more documents that needed to be obtained, notarized, and apostilled in the state capitol. So I quickly deflated and went back to work. This next set of documents is for Ukraine and composed of certified marriage licenses, powers of attorney, employment letters, pictures of the house, etc. Oh, and before I forget, MORE fingerprints. We have gotten most of the documents together and are waiting on a few stragglers that will hopefully be tied up before the immigration paperwork comes back.

Amanda is doing well. She competed in the Pan-Am games in 4 events: board breaking, forms, demo team, and sparring. She won 4 medals - gold in board breaking, silver in forms, gold in demo team, and silver in sparring. She is going to the Olympic Training Center in Colorado Springs in 2 weeks to compete in the Rocky Mountain Open and then the very next weekend is the Utah Open Games.

G4 is also doing well. He is getting A's in all of his classes and is working about 10 hours a week in the tutoring center, tutoring chemistry. He is still working on his model railroad - finally most of the trees are done. He was working on part of it last weekend and wanted to model an area where there were forest fires, so he got the brilliant idea to make model trees and burn them. Let's just say that the house spelled like burnt plaster for the rest of the day and we were deaf from having to listen to the smoke alarm go off - but it actually turned out pretty convincing looking.

G3 is out of town again for business. Sometimes I feel like he just passes through the house, never staying too long. But the one benefit of that is that he is able to rack up those frequent flier miles so we will hopefully be able to fly first class back and forth to Ukraine. It's a really long trip and having those few extra amenities will make the trip all the easier.

I am starting to have worries that we will not get to you by your birthday. I really want you to have this next birthday with us. But I have to remain positive and realize you will be ours for the rest of your life so a few weeks shouldn't matter - except it does. I hate to be separated from you. I want to start making you part of our family, learning from you and in turn being able to teach you. I am normally pretty patient, but I have to confess that my patience if wearing thin. And I am not the only one - G4 and Amanda talk about you almost every day. They are getting anxious too.

Anyway, we will keep our fingers crossed that everything will work out for the best. If for some reason it looks like the paperwork will be delayed - I have asked G3 if we can go over the Ukraine over the holidays. I don't want you to forget us!

Love,
Bethany, G3, G4, and Amanda

Half way done is as just begun

Dearest Dema,

Well, it has been a while since I last wrote you and a lot has happened. We had our home study and passed! Yea! So, at least from the US standpoint, we are ready for you. We are now busy starting to get together all the documents for the Ukrainian government. But I can't leave you without a blow by blow account of the home study, can I?

So, to begin with, we are now having our grass cut by Eric, the boy who lives next door. I was going to ask him to cut the grass just before the home study so that it would look good, but I know he goes to school and we had the study scheduled faster than I thought it would be able to be done. So I just thought - oh well, no big deal - if the grass is a little tall it won't matter. But I came home Thursday night with Amanda from TKD to see that the front yard had been half mown! Yikes, tall was ok, cut was ok, but how was I going to explain half-done? But it was late at night and the next day was a school day, so I knew that Eric couldn't fix it in time, so I just devoted myself to cleaning inside. I thought I will dazzle her with the inside cleanliness and maybe she will forget about the state of the lawn!

So we scurried around, cleaning and picking up all Thursday night and Friday morning. The home study lady was due to arrive at 9:00 am so I went outside about 10 minutes before to make sure there was no dog poop, etc. that would cause a problem, when I saw Eric's mom outside preparing to take her baby for a morning walk. I laughingly told her about the situation of the home study being that morning, and she was so worried about the lawn, she said, "Don't worry, I will just finish the front lawn up right now." She turned and went back into her garage to get the mower, with me chasing after her ineffectually saying, "Really, don't worry about it! She will be here any moment and it's no big deal." Well, I wasn't being listened to and she got her mower and was mowing the lawn when who shows up - you guessed it - the home study lady! ACK! So she gets out of her car and Eric's mom looks up and says, "Hi, I am just their neighbor." So the home study lady turns to me and asks, "Your neighbors do you lawn for you?" What could I do but smile sickly and say, "No, no. See her son didn't finish last night…" Seeing her look, I just trailed off and weakly asked her inside. What a way to get started. Now I was going to have to convince her that we do not make our neighbors pay homage to us in exchange for not eating their firstborn!

Thank goodness, things picked up from there. It was a good session. She asked a lot of questions about our parenting technique (superior of course), personalities (untouchable), and attitude toward adoption (unparalleled). Even G4 and Amanda were well-behaved and well-spoken.

We got the rough draft in the mail and looked it over - it was very complimentary and should be accepted well by the Ukrainian government. So, back to the paperwork drills. So for now, it id just paperwork and probably back to the post office again.

Things are pretty much the same around here. Amanda is preparing to compete at the Pan Am games next week and is spending hours each day at the studio. G4 is still doing well in college. He has A's in all of his classes so far this semester. My book continues to sell well. It has been picked up by the Follett Book Group for library distribution, so hopefully I will have a lot of sales generated by that. G3 is busy at work. he has some travel coming up this fall for work.

I hope you have received our package by now. I will try to call you in the next few weeks or so. We miss you a lot.

Love,

Bethany, Amanda, G3, & G4

The Doctor is in

Dearest Dema,

Ok, option #1 didn't work out so well from last blog. Everything sat out for a day or two, then got stuffed back into the closet. I did manage to clean out two boxes, which is a start. I got together a couple of boxes of craft stuff that is still good but that I won't ever use and loaded it in the back of my car to give away at the next Girl Scout Service Unit Meeting which was conveniently scheduled for the next day. But, alas, it was canceled. So my great closet clean out has netted me 2 boxes vomiting full of craft supplies to give away heaven knows when taking up room in the back of my car (spilling contents out every time I go around a corner), and a slightly less stuffed full closet. I really can't win!

So, onto the topic for today's letter - the post office again, or I guess to be more accurate, the doctor's office and then the post office. I am guessing the post office will be a prominent figure in this process; maybe I should get a job there….

Anyway, we have gotten most of the forms together for the home study. We have assembled birth certificates, driver's licenses, copies of tax returns, proof of medical insurance, fingerprint cards. You name it and I have copied it and put it in the mail. The last item on the list was the doctor's evaluation of our health. So, knowing that this was going to take a long time (our doctor usually has over a month wait for a physical) I called to make an appointment. I had to leave a message, so in the mean time, I realized that there were two sets of forms that had to be done by the doctor. There is one set from the local authorities for the home study and then there is another set for the Ukrainian government. Well, patting myself on the back for quick thinking and resourcefulness (I was only going to have to go to the doctor once instead of twice), I called to get these forms set to me, with the addendum, "Don't worry. No rush. Just please send them when convenient."

Thinking I was just the guru of organization, I sat down to congratulate myself when the phone rang. It was the doctor's office letting me know they had an opening for the NEXT DAY! This is unheard of, but probably was cosmically arranged to teach me a lesson about timeliness. So, after scrambling and apologizing, I finally was able to get the forms set to me by email. No problem I thought, I will just print them out and off we go. Well, 4 hours later, I am trying to reformat the forms to look pretty on my computer and cursing and swearing because nothing is working. Basically, I have to recreate the forms myself and then I look at the email again, which states the forms need to be printed out on the doctor's letterhead. ACK!!! I don't know if they have letterhead, how easy it will be to print the forms out on their letterhead, or if they will even do it for me. So, ever the problem solver, and because I was getting really cranky at this point, I decided to make up letterhead for the doctor myself. And if I do say so myself, it looked really good. So, I stumble off to bed, not looking forward to the next morning as we have to get up early as the appointments that were available we of course the first appointments of the morning - more evidence of cosmic punishment for being me.

At the doctors office the next morning, still wiping the sleep out of my eyes, I was valiantly trying to sort out the forms, as two were being sent to the state (simply physicals) directly by the doctor after signing and the two for Ukraine (requiring 17 vials of blood to be drawn and tested for every known disease) need to be signed in front of a notary. And of course after questioning, no, there is not a notary in their office, we will have to arrange for one to come out to the doctor's office and notarize the documents there. It was enough to reduce one to tears, especially when I do not handle blood-draws very well and hadn't had breakfast because it was so early in the morning. But everything was done, and thank goodness, all the tests were normal. And finally, we have been declared physically fit to adopt. Of course, mentally fit - that is another state that will have to be evaluated after this whole process…..

So off to the post office again (5th time in seven days) to mail more documents off. I am beginning to become known there - embarrassing - and can now help other people in line find appropriate documents, etc. Surprise, surprise, I walk into the post office and there is NOBODY in line. Unbelievable I know, but I was in and out of there in two minutes. I know that this will never happen again so I will bask in the glow of efficiency now.

But, Dema, I did send off your first package to you. Just some pictures and some small gifts. We will try to send you things every month or so. We are just anxiously awaiting the next steps. Can't wait!

Love,

Bethany, Amanda, G3, & G4

You can't win - no matter what!

Dearest Dema,

Hope you are doing well. As I told you last time, we have started the paperwork chase to get all of the forms filled out and papers signed. I am sure people that have adopted before will laugh and say that we are not even in the thick of things yet, but I feel already like this has been going on forever!

One place that I will not miss after this is the post office. After the marathon session there the other day, I found myself back there today. After running all kinds of errands, here and there, that was the last one. Actually, I shouldn't even have had to go. Usually G3 can FedEx things from his office cheaply and expediently, so all I have to do is to get papers together and then give them to him. But on this day, he noticed the address I was supposed to send the papers to was a PO Box and FedEx won't deliver to one. So back to the post office I went, dreading the experience.

As usual the line was huge, so I settled in for a wait. I made some phone calls and figured I would be able to at least get some business accomplished in my wait. Well, wouldn't you know - the one time I come prepared to spend some time, the line zipped right along, and before I knew it, it was my turn at the front and I was getting dirty looks from everyone as I tried to get off the phone to get the papers mailed. Oh well, you can't win… And as I am writing this, I just remembered one thing I forgot to include in the papers, a copy of G3's driver's license. Arghh - back to the post office tomorrow with that!

I also have started cleaning out closets in preparation for shuffling some things around to make room for you. It's amazing how much stuff you can find hidden back in the recesses of a dark closet. It's also kind of frightening since none of the closets in our house have lights in them, so you never really know exactly what you are going to find. Today, it was the craft and game closet. I was able to clean out bags and bags of bits of fabric, googly eyes, dried out glue sticks, and old, stiff paint brushes. I figure at 13, you probably aren't going to want to play with arts and crafts!

The problem with starting a task like this is that it always takes more time than you have allotted to accomplish it. Or even in the unlikely event you have allotted enough time for the task, life in the form of children will interfere. Like, they need to be fed, they need clean clothes, etc. Either way, I promise you, that you will be pulled away from the task before you are done. Then you face a decision. Either leave all the items out until you can come back and finish later, or do part of the job and come back and finish the other part later. The problem with the second solution is that if things are put away nicely, there is very little impetus to go back and continue the job. You pretty much mentally wipe that task out of you brain with a little imaginary check and then later when you go back to the closet, thinking that it was cleaned out already, you get a nasty shock finding it very different than you were expecting. Then you have an unexpected amount of work to do extra at the last moment, which tends to induce panic attacks.

The first solution, sounds better - doesn't it. But after consideration, you realize that this isn't too much better. It leaves everything in a big mess. And once other people start coming around, inevitably there are two things that will happen. The first is that people will accuse you of doing nothing but a big mess, and the second is that the system you were using will deteriorate as things get picked up and exclaimed over.

Anyway, I opted for the first method and left everything out. I am sure I will hear about it later when I come home….

Love,

Bethany, Amanda, G3, & G4

Off to a grand start - maybe not

Dearest Dema,

Well, we are finally home and starting to get back into a routine. It is hard after being gone so long. We have gotten all the paperwork started for the adoption process and in doing so noticed that our passports were expiring soon. Good thing we noticed that as we could have gotten the call and then uh-oh - no passports! So I spent an hour waiting in line to renew the passports (watching a man in front of me get passports for himself, his wife, and their seemingly endless posse of children) only to be told after my paperwork was done that there was another line to wait in to mail them off - even though this was all at the post office, the one part that did the processing of passports would not do the mailing. So I left the office of the passports to walk 5 feet to the next line where I could mail them. Except as I took the first step to the next line, I swear a bus arrived with at least 50 people that had been saving up their mail needs for the past six years. And they all were accompanied by screaming babies. I looked at the line, then looked at the counter where there was one desultory post office employee moving at a snail's pace, and decided that I would come back tomorrow. So, basically I have failed at the very first extremely simple task set before me to get you, one that I had complete control over and required no agency help. Ack - I hope this does not portend of events to come. Next comes fingerprinting and forms for all the states we have lived in. It seems like such a process to go through, but yet people are allowed to just have children all the time without any special forms or background checks. Hmm… maybe that is what we need to institute, a universal parent check system before conception or adoption. Or better yet, maybe a reality TV show….

We are also learning that there are reams of paperwork to be completed in a very precise order with seemingly silly requirements (like blue ink only), but we will persevere and get through it. I am nervous about the homestudy though. It seems like the most important part of the process now but everything I have read from people that have gone through one say don't worry. I guess it is like women that are pregnant. When you are pregnant, all you can think of is the delivery, but women that have already had their babies try to tell you that it will be forgotten in a moment - you need to focus on the lifetime ahead with your new baby. So, while I am sure we will be fussing and worrying about the paperwork and homestudy, we will try to keep our hearts focused on the lifetime ahead with you in our family.

We were reading out loud as a family last night and Amanda made a joke and then followed it up with, "Oh, Dema would like that. I miss him and wish he were here!" So don't forget, we are always thinking of you.

Love,

Bethany, Amanda, G3, and G4

What's that - I can't understand you

Dearest Dema,

We are finally caught up to the present. We are just finishing vacation (we left the week after you left to go back to Ukraine) and will be going home soon. G4 starts his fall semester next week and we want to be settled before he has classes.

I got an email today on how to contact you through letters and phone calls. We will try to do so soon but I want to be able to communicate a little bit. I have been trying to start to learn Russian. I have not had good luck learning languages in the past - even after 4 years of Spanish, my communication is rudimentary at best. So I started researching different methods of teaching languages. There actually is a lot of research on the subject. I got way off track and ended up by getting into the area of ESL instruction, but I allowed myself to get distracted since this will be a subject of great interest to me when you finally get here Dema.

So I went off on the ESL tangent and found that there is some controversy surrounding ESL in public education. Unfortunately there is just one ESL track in schools and all children that are non-native speakers are lumped into it together. The problem is that there is a wide divergence in the home environment of these children. When children are living with an immigrant family, they are exposed to their native language at home and therefore need the conversational instruction at school. When you have children that are being exposed to solely English at home, they will excel in their conversational status, so much so that they will be indistinguishable from other children within a year or so, but their academic language will not be so lucky. Their ESL instruction will stop after conversational fluency has been reached, accounting for the major discrepancy that is seen in many cases of academic performance. The other phenomenon that occurs widely in adoptive families is that the acquisition of English will become replacement instead of additive on top of the kid's own language as they have no one reinforcing their native tongue at home.

So, back to my initial point here, that I want to learn Russian. After all this research, I am more convinced than ever it is necessary, not only to help ease the transition, but also to make sure that Dema's ability to speak his native tongue is preserved. (Now I know I am focusing on Russian and someone will say, "What about Ukranian?" and I get that - but since most people in Ukraine are already bilingual and speak both Russian and Ukraine, and since Russian is spoken in a few more places in the world and Russian books are more widely available, we will stick with that!) I am convinced that there is no greater gift in this global world than to be bilingual. But now remember my ability level here! I had already tried Rosetta Stone with Amanda when I tried to teach her Spanish, and she really didn't like it. I have also looked at purely grammatical texts and have finally come to realize that there is no magic way to learn - the conversational method vs. the grammatical method. They both have to be done in order to have true fluency, not just conversationally but also to be literate in a foreign language. Guess what - back to the computer for more research.

On our trip, with every college campus that we visited, I would look in their textbook section for their introductory Russian textbooks. Finally, I found the one I wanted, Golosa. It is a great textbook and workbook that also has internet links. It is a good blend of conversational and grammatical techniques, with a lot of listening. Of course, you can't jump right in, because they have a different alphabet! I feel so stupid - having to start with the alphabet again! The worst part of it is those letters of the Russian alphabet that look like some letters of our alphabet but have completely different sounds. For example an H is pronounced N. I think I have just about gotten the alphabet down, but pronunciation is a completely different thing. I am going to keep doing about a lesson a day when I can and hope that by the time you are ready for us, I can at least speak a little and understand you.

I have been proud of the little I have done so far. On our trip, we were walking around Pike Place Market in Seattle and came across a little Russian bakery. There was an article in their window that was written in Russian and I was able to sound out the title. Then I was able to translate a couple of the words! I was so proud of myself. So look out Dema - I am aiming for complete understanding when you get here - you won't be able to hide behind the language barrier!

Love,

Bethany, Amanda, G3, and G4

Penny Pinchers

Dearest Dema,

I am sure there will be many frustrating moments and low points as we try to finalize the adoption, but this last week will linger in my memory as one of those low points. Once you were gone, the paperwork started…

G3 and I had to sign the adoption agreement and get the first payment off. I signed the agreement, and took it into G3's office for him to sign. I thought he had signed it and sent it off and therefore proceeded to send off emails to that extent, when I received a call from him. This is where we started to go downhill. G3 had several concerns about the agreement and also asked if I had checked up on the company itself. I had been so caught up in the emotional aspect of this decision, I had neglected the practical aspect. Thank goodness G3 is so careful. I mean, we have never, ever, even thought of investing a fraction of that amount of money before without checking and double checking the source or company involved.

As an aside to Dema, you will learn about us as you live with us - but there is nothing left to chance in this family! G3 is good at squeezing every penny out of a deal that he can. For example, when we go to buy cars, he has a whole system. He researches the car he wants, decides what he wants to pay (which is base price plus $1000 to the dealership to make a modest profit) and then waits until the last day of a quarter. Then he starts calling around dealerships and talking directly to the sales manager and starts the conversation with a question, "Have you made your quota of sales this quarter?" If the answer is no (which it almost always is) he then proceeds to offer a cash deal at his prearranged price. After he waits a decent interval for the poor manager to pick himself up off the floor or stop choking, he reiterates the offer. He will continue to do this with dealership after dealership in ever widening concentric circles from where we live until he finds a yes answer. And believe it or not - we have always gotten our car at ridiculously low prices!

I know that I am getting off topic here, but I can't stop myself. G3 is also the same man who will empty out a reusable vacuum bag to reuse it instead of buying a new one. But enough fun at his expense - I am to be implicated in this as well. Last week we had to rent a car on a trip we were taking (we were driving the motorhome and were not towing a car.) Unable to find what I thought was a reasonable rate for a rental car, I actually went to Rent-a-Wreck in Pasadena, CA obtain a rental car. I found them online and felt that their rate of $29.99 a day for a SUV was reasonable - unlike the $60.00 from the next best, Thrifty. Now I should have known something was up when I saw the 11 police cars at a nearby hotel (obvious drug bust) with several young men lined up face down on the pavement out front as we were driving to the Rent-a-Wreck office. But my frugal nature was undeterred. Even when we saw several more young men with gang tattoos hanging out around the corner where the office was, I still was determined to get the best deal. But not to throw caution to the wind, I asked G4 to come with me to rent the car. I figured that his size would deter any serious problems. So G3 dropped us off shaking his head and went down the street to get gas. We walked in and after trying to hide the retching noises politely behind our hands from the smell in the office, just smiled as we breathed through our mouths. The gentleman behind the counter was very chatty and wanted to know all about why we were renting a car and what we were going to do. I thought it was just for conversation only to have him follow up the comment, "Good, I just needed to make sure you weren't going to drive over the border with the car - most of our customers try to." My jaw dropped as I realized his implication. I must have sputtered something because he followed up with, "Oh, don't worry, I had you figured for someone who only rents new cars, not ones like ours. But I just had to ask."

I couldn't get out of there fast enough but then when I saw the car, I thought out of the frying pan into the fire! It was a Toyota Rav4 with 263,000 miles on it. At some point in its life it must have been hot-wired as a suspicious amount of hardware was missing from its steering column and around the keyhole. G4 and I held our breaths as it started (which it did) and then drove away - right to the corner gas station as it was on empty. Hopping out of the car to fill it with gas I was thinking okay, this really isn't to bad. Then I spent the next 5 minutes looking for the credit card swipey thing on the pump. Finally I gave up and went to find an attendant only to find out after shouting at her behind 3 inches of bullet proof glass that they were cash only. Thanks goodness I had some cash on me. But the car worked for us - no breakdowns or problems (except for the time the dome light fell out spontaneously and bonked me on the head as I was driving). So, I feel vindicated after all. However, the rest of the family has decided that I will have nothing to do with any type of reservations ever again. I don't know why…...

So sorry for the aside, but I think it really shows our personality - frugal to the core. Bearing this in mind, we start checking out this company and come to find out that it is not licensed, bonded, or insured (we come to find out that most companies are not in this space). This freaks out G3 and so he fusses at me to start to research the company and see what I can find out. I of course am happy to do so, horrified at my lapse in judgement, but also hopping up and down thinking it has to be okay because we need Dema.

So, to make a long story short, it takes us a week to find out there have been no complaints about the company, that they have a good track record in Ukraine with the American embassy, and to annoy the employees of the company with endless questions and issues that we need answered. The resolution - this is one area where G3 and I will have to go on faith and accept all the risks. As you can imagine, a hard pill to swallow from a family who has never made an impulsive decision in our whole life!

Here comes life lesson number three for you, Dema. Always ask questions and never take anything at face value. It is important to do your due diligence and feel good about a decision you have made. If you feel like you are being forced or rushed into something, there is usually something that is being hidden. So ask questions, do research, and always be as informed as you can. And even if the outcome doesn't change or things don't go as planned, you will at least be as prepared as you can. Some surprises are fun, others much less so.

So, now I think everything is settled - at least for now and we are moving forward. We have come to peace with the situation and have decided to focus on the outcome not the process. 

Gotta go for now. And as always, thinking of you Dema!

Love,

Bethany, Amanda, G3, and G4