A Tale of Two Languages

The next topic I will fill everyone in on is learning English, keeping Russian, and school work overall. Alex was initially resistant to school work, but now, really engages at times with gusto. He is conversationally fluent even in big groups of kids who are talking fast and furious. He can read menus, signs, and other things in daily life he sees. He can read English at about the 6-7th grade level with good comprehension. Sometimes he can read over that level, but then the comprehension suffers as his mastery of vocabulary declines. I purchased a middle school level Geology book and he is reading that by himself. We have also been working on vocabulary words. I got a list of common TOEFL words and we learn about 2 a week. I put them up on the fridge (as he is always in and out of the fridge) with both the English and the Russian. I figured out pretty quickly that his Russian vocabulary wasn’t up to snuff, so in a way, I am teaching both at once! We reinforce these with the whole family using them in sentences over and over again. This has been really successful in building his vocabulary up. In fact, he was so excited the other day when he used one of the words, banter I think, in his homeschooling group and the other kids didn’t know what it meant and he had to explain it to them.

He is doing Algebra 1 and except for some catchup work with concepts that he had missed before, is doing well. It will take us about 18 months I think to get through the full year of Algebra 1, but I am ok with that. He is also doing Physics, World History (which I am just reading to him out of a world history text), and World Geography. I am able to do this with Amanda, so it is nice to be able to double up on some teaching. In the fine arts category, he is doing a digital photography class and taking drum lessons.

The last thing I am doing with Alex is a sociology course. I found a grad student at UW that teaches a lot of homeschooling classes and he is teaching both Amanda and Alex together. They are reading The Social Animal by Brooks and once a week they get together and talk about it. I read it to Alex and then he dictates to me what he wants to write, Amanda of course has to write an essay every week on the topic. She also has been reading The Blank Slate as a complementary text to keep the level up for her, as Alex is much slower of course with the reading. This has been a great way to push Alex and his critical thinking skills. It has also been tough as we are confronting a myriad of social issues and topics like parenting, attachment, poverty, education ideologies, etc. But it has been good also for him to understand how to separate his personal experiences and talk about them societally as a whole. It hasn’t been easy - these are pretty tough concepts to master, but I think it is a good introduction to higher order thinking for him. Also, even though some of the topics that are brought up have hit a little too close to home, we are plugging along trying to help Alex make sense of everything in his world.

I am concerned with Alex keeping his Russian intact. We encourage him to talk to as many people as he can in Russian and every day, he has to read out of a Russian book. We are blessed living in Seattle at the number of bookstores around that carry Russian language novels. Also, our library system has a rather large collection of Russian language books, both fiction and non-fiction. For now, he is reading fiction in Russian - currently a shoot ‘em up sci-fi book. I also have him write in Russian when I can think of it, but I do notice that it is getting harder for him to do it.

I am always asking Alex if it is getting hard to remember Russian, and so far it isn’t. But I live in fear that one day he will find it hard. We have found a little European deli with the cutest older couple running it from Kiev. They have the most scrumptious food! The owners, Gregory and Sveta, have taken a liking to Alex and we go there frequently. I always insist that he speak Russian to them, and he is always insisting on practicing English. I always say that he practices enough English with his linguistically retarded family! This is repeated every time we go and now we start the conversation on the way there! And by the way, I always get my way!

I do seem to bounce up and down on how Alex is doing overall. There are days I couldn’t be more pleased with his progress, but there are also times when I panic that nothing I do will be enough. I am trying to learn how to calm down at these times and take things slowly, but time marches on inexorably and makes you seem like you are losing ground.

Alex is a jump learner and when he is processing new information or at a new stage of language acquisition, he appears to move backwards. I have learned that these are not really backward motions, but actually processing times and he will appear to leapfrog out of it when he is finished processing. But the waiting as he is processing - yikes, nail biting! I don’t wait well!

He gets frustrated with himself at times and feels like he could be doing better, but I have to keep reinforcing that he is doing really well and that he is actually ahead of the game. He doesn’t always believe me and sometimes says he will never be able to go to a university, but then in the next breath, he will ask about college and his future. So where there was only hopelessness before, there is now a light shining. I don’t think he really knows how to react to it, but at least we are cutting through the darkness an inch at a time.

Phase Two

I had stopped blogging last year after Alex had been with us about 3 months. It seemed like we had gotten over the adjustment phase and were moving along nicely with establishing him as part of our family. And in a way, I was right, that first phase was over and there wasn’t much more to talk about in that place.

But recently as we approach the one year mark (I can’t believe it), I have begun to realize that there is so much more to do. There really isn’t anymore of him and us - we are all pretty much a cohesive unit, but there are times when a gulf does exist and it seems like it is getting harder and easier to bridge it. I know that sounds contradictory, but as I know Alex better, I am way more in tune with his feelings and needs. I can more easily anticipate his needs and wants and know immediately when something is going wrong. The problem exists in the fact that these needs now are buried deep within him, resultant not from external circumstances and adjustment but from an internal sense of poor self-worth and self-esteem resulting from years of abuse and neglect. So in a way, even though I know they are there and I can tell when they are rearing their ugly heads, I feel more powerless to do anything about them.

I worry about the internal conflict we are cresting within Alex as we are always telling him how smart and wonderful he is and showing how wanted he is, and inside he is reconciling that with the internal knowledge that no one wanted him for the first 14 years of his life. That knowledge is more deeply ingrained than our new campaign of love and understanding in his life. Reconciling these two competing views of himself will take actual parenting on my part - not my strong suit! I tend to let the kids tell me what they want instead of me leading them. I know that when two ideas are in conflict, it is the job of the child to choose the one that is opposite from the parent’s belief in an attempt to establish themselves as individuals. In this case, I can’t afford Alex doing that.

I worry about these two conflicting points and have started telling him instead of how smart he is, that I am proud of hard he works. He views himself as a hard worker and me reinforcing the concept will add to his self-esteem, I hope. Then after pointing out the hard work, I point to how it leads to the right answer on an Algebra problem, or another similar good outcome, hence how smart. I am hoping to lead him to these conclusions slowly and avoid the internal conflict. Instead of telling him how handsome, we try to also say how proud we are that he takes pride in his appearance, instead of always saying how wanted he is, we focus on what good things he has brought to us and how grateful we are for his presence in our lives. We are trying to pump him up with ideas that are not in conflict with his dim self-view, but with ideas that he already on board with. Don’t know if it is correct or not - but it feels right.

To this end, we have recently engaged a psychologist, who was initially puzzled as to why we were seeking help. She kept asking about behavioral problems, none, discipline issues, none, lack of compliance, none, school work issues, none. But when I explained to her that we needed help starting to fix these emotional scars, she understood and hopefully will start to give us some ideas on how to help. At some point we recognize Alex will have to come to terms with what his life was and what his life is now and reconcile the two together.

I am not sure what everyone wants to know about, I know that most blogs stop after returning to America with their kids, so I will just run through everything - hopefully I won’t put anyone to sleep. In general, life has been wonderful. Alex really has become our child, in our hearts and minds. The psychologist we have met with was describing how she viewed adoptions. She said every once in a while it is like magic, that when the family and child came together, the sum is greater than the individual parts and magic is created. That is so definitely what we feel on a daily basis.

First, the move to Seattle. It turned out to be the best thing ever for us. It put all of us an a level playing ground. Nobody had lived here before so everyone was starting anew. We found a great house with 5800 square feet, 2 decks, mountain views, an exercise room, separate little area downstairs for G4, an office for G3, and a great rec room. Alex and Amanda did have a tiff about who was going to get the bigger bedroom upstairs. Daddy John wanted to get involved, but I was pretty adamant. I told him to let them work it out on their own and they did! Alex got the bigger bedroom but he had to concede a few points and now, his room is the hangout room with the drums and keyboard in it. It was good to see them interacting like true siblings, not worried about who was more favored or bio vs. adopted.

And the reason why we moved to Seattle, G4... Well, he is 17 as of March and finished with his first two quarters in UW. He is doing so well, with a 4.0 GPA. He has been taking Calculus, upper level biology courses and organic chemistry. He even dabbled with an archaeology course that he really enjoyed. He has made friends and is busy most of the time without the rest of us. It is so great to see him flourish, but he is still a typical teenager and stayed home tonight (a Saturday night  to spend the night with the family making home-made pizzas and watching movies).

As far as making friends, we have found the most wonderful homeschooling group here of just teens. There are about 50 families with kids between 13 and 19 that get together every Monday for outings and field trips and then on other days for parties and such. It is a richly diverse group of people and the kids are wonderful. Both Amanda and Alex have made friends and look forward to getting together with everyone. He routinely texts and communicates by facebook with everyone. And girls - oh my - always girls following him around. We are on girlfriend number 3 now, but this one seems a keeper. She is really nice. The boys in the homeschooling group were teasing him about his posse of girls who follow him around, but it was all in good fun. And of course it hasn’t hurt that he has grown more (by about 3-4 inches, put on about 15 pounds of muscle in his chest, he works out constantly lifting weights and doing pushups, etc., and now has an earring!) The earring was one of his 15th birthday presents.

So I guess I will end here - as the move to Seattle was the biggest challenge we faced in our future when I stopped blogging. Looking over the past year still invokes a lot of feelings in me that are hard to describe, it has been so busy and crazy and so fulfilling and wonderful.

All Good things come to an end!

I have decided that this will be my last post. With the upcoming move next month and everything else going on, I just don't have time like I used to to write. I have also decided to concentrate on my next book (which is half done!) and try to get it finished.

We have been so blessed on this whole journey. I can't believe that the hosting program is starting again this week. To think, a year ago we were worried about whether or not Alex would want to stay with us for a little bit, much less even want to become a part of this family. As I think back on the events of the past year - I realize how far we have come. From the paper work to the trip to Ukraine and then coming back home, it is been incredible. I was looking at Alex last night as he was standing in the kitchen talking to G3 and realized that we are really a true family now. He is integrated - there are problems, there are frustrations, and there are still issues to work on, but as I was watching them, I saw how comfortable everyone was.

For everyone out there reading, I want to just catalogue some of the changes that have occurred to make us a family.
1. Alex now routinely chooses to sit at the dinner table with the rest of the family. He will get his plate of food and plops down at the table without thinking about it. If you remember from earlier posts - this was not always the case.
2. Alex comes out of his room more to interact with the rest of the family and seeks out G3 actively when he is home to talk to.
3. He routinely asks about the plan of the day and is getting used to the things we do.
4. He has stopped asking incessantly if I love him - he might ask every once in a while - but for the most part - it is only every once in a while. I hope this means he is more sure of my love for him.
5. Alex is actively talking about the future - something he never did when he came here. He talks about getting his driver's license some day, getting a job, and life as an adult. I remember when life was only for the moment for him and he even mentioned to me once that he never thought he would get a future. He is actively thinking about the move to Seattle and learning a new place.
6. He is starting to suggest things for the family to do together. A few nights ago, he asked to watch Ice Age with everyone. This is a big step, as he usually preferred to do things with just me in the past. It is still mostly that way, but definitely improving.

We still have things to work on:
1. Lack of interest in school work
2. Still holding himself aloof at times
3. Messiness
4. Reluctance to do some things with the family

However, for the most part, these are things that most teens struggle with. I am happy to say that a lot of these issues are normal teen things and do not feel like we are dealing with adoptive issues per se. I know that there will still be things that come up, but we feel like a family unit. I feel like I have 3 children, all the same, that need to be taken care of.

When I think of all the changes for us and him this past year, I can't help but feel overwhelmed at times. We have spent a lot of time and money completing our family, planning a move, Amanda's black belt and competition, G4's transfer applications, and a long trip to Ukraine. Alex had his first trip to America, got offered a family, had to wait, go to court and renounce all he has ever known, come back to America, and be immersed in an English only environment, and learn how to be in a family. WOW! And we all have come through this stronger, tougher, more resilient, and still with a sense of humor and a lot of love. We are a great family (no bragging here :) and I am proud of all of us and what this year has brought us. We are a complete family now and I am so happy!

A few final notes - these kids that are adopted need so much love. They are like little sponges soaking up everything you give them and then needing more. I was talking to G3 a couple of days ago and I came up with the perfect summation. You can't love them enough, treat them nice enough, think about them enough, give them enough. There is no way that you can make up for what they went through before they came to you - all you can do is try. Alex humbles me in that he still has the capacity for love and affection after everything. I don't know if he will ever let me in totally, but the little he has offered so far feeds my soul. There isn't enough you can do in the understanding and empathy department - but they can sense you are trying, and that seems like enough.

Thank you for sharing this journey with us. Writing this has been very cathartic for me! I appreciate all the support I have received. I would love to keep in touch - please leave a comment and I will email my contact info.

Internal Conflicts

Well, both Alex and I have been on a little emotional roller coaster recently and I don't see a way off. It is really like a real life coaster - thrills and scares, but one that will not stop and let you get off.

Alex is starting to have problems with how comfortable he is getting here, I think. Out of the blue, he said to me in the car the other day, "Good mother, good sister and brother, good father, I happy here." I was so surprised that I almost drove off the road. There was nothing that precipitated it and he sounded sincere. But just that same day, I was talking to him about English lessons and he got so fussy. He started in with the old routine that I hadn't heard in a while, "You not my mother. You no love me. I no want to learn English. If English good, then Russian bad." He would not listen to me that we would keep his Russian good and that he really needed to learn English, only good could come of it. I was really hurt by this - he has been really eager to learn English in the past, but the more I thought about it, the more sense it made. He has really left behind his old life. He is getting comfortable here, but still is not fully integrated yet, and I think feels a little adrift. He feels that by rejecting the new, the old will still be there. But what he doesn't understand, is that the old is fading away and there is nothing he can do about it. He can't hang on to it no matter what. My heart breaks as I consider this - I wish that he could understand that he has his forever home with us - I know that it is coming and this realization is what is triggering these fears, but it is a slow realization. I want to snap my fingers and have it happen right now!

So, for now, to help, I am just laying off English and just loving him. So far, this has been a good fix for everything else that has gone on. But that brings up my conflict. I just love this kid so much that I feel everything so intensely with him. He and I have forged a really strong bond that is both wonderful and draining at the same time. I feel every mood swing, every frustration, and every happiness. It is great that we are so close, but I feel that at times it is too much for me. When I have to say no to him, it is like a knife in my heart, because I feel his pain. He still equates love with things and privileges which makes parenting very difficult. It is hard to say no to any kid, but this makes it soooo hard. I can be more objective with my kids, because I know their past so well. I know when they are really hurt and when they can handle things. With Alex, there is so much unknown, but the feelings are so intense and known. There are times he is hurting that I can feel it like it is my own, yet I don't understand why. This makes it so much more complicated!

There have been a few times when he is mad or trying to get a rise out of me that he will say, "You not my mom." This just cuts to the quick as I realize the truth of this - I am not his mom. On a piece of paper maybe, but I have not earned the right yet and I am not sure even how to do this or if it is even possible. I am trying to love him as best as I can, but nothing can change the fact that I am just another woman in a long string of women that have cared for him, hopefully better than most, but certainly not anything special in his mind. He does care for me, I know that, but whether it is truly as deep as I wish - who knows? Something tells me that we will never be let into his heart all the way, and that is understandable. After all he has been through to even let us close is a miracle.

But there are times when I can forget this. We are at the trampoline place again and he struck up a conversation here with a guy that served a mission in Ukraine. After Alex and this guy talked, he came over and spoke to me a few minutes. He mentioned that they were talking about school and the guy was wondering who was teaching him English. Alex told the guy that it was his mom and when he relayed this to me - he added that there was no hesitation - he said that he believes Alex thinks of me that way! These little moments can feed the soul!

No rest for the weary

This week has been just a crazy whirlwind. I keep thinking that life will slow down at some point, but it never does. I guess I will just have to adjust my expectations.

On Monday, G3 and I had to go out to dinner with some of the people he works with. He has a team of about 55-60 people under him, but his heart really with the financial team. That is where he came from years ago, so he has a soft spot for them. His team has been working really hard and he wanted to reward them. He invited them and their spouses out to dinner and surprised them with their raises at dessert. They were really surprised and excited. Unfortunately, I had to leave Alex to go to dinner. He was not happy for me to leave him. But G4 took him and Amanda out to the new Spiderman movie and he seemed to be happy.

On Tuesday, G3 and I had to go to Park City for a DNC fundraiser. We have donated quite a bit to the Obama campaign this year (yes, we are progressive, liberal, tree-hugging, democrats!). Joe Biden was speaking and we were excited to go. I met the most lovely woman there and hopefully have made a new friend. Also, after Biden spoke, he said he would take some questions from the audience. I raised my hand and was one of the 3 questions he took. Afterwards, there was quite a line to meet him in person and G3 and I were at the end of the line. He had to leave to have dinner with the hosts of the fundraiser, so he started to walk away, but at the last moment, he looked at me and recognized me as one of the question askers and motioned me over. He spent about 10 minutes talking to G3 and myself hugging and kissing me - it was crazy!!! Of course, if anyone is wondering what my question was about - don't think too hard. What is the subject most of interest to me? Why, educational freedom of course! Homeschooling is not just the special interest of the right wing party, and I wanted to make that point.

Anyway, poor Alex was left without me for a second night in a row - he was a little miffed. But by Wednesday, I had a sore throat and cough - arghhhh! I have been so sick these past few months. I am so over being sick. I tried to rest, but Alex wanted to go to the trampoline place, so I dragged myself out with him. At least all I have to do is sit. G3 came to relieve me so I was able to come home (not rest - but to make dinner!) Then after making dinner, I went to put some laundry away in Alex's room and started hyperventilating at the mess. I could not resist it, but had to clean up. That was a 45 minute ordeal. But I found a picture of his dad and him (at about age 3) that was just thrown under some clothes. I found a picture frame and put it on the night table for him. He actually said thank when he came home and saw that I had cleaned up - that is a big step - before he insisted on doing it himself and didn't want me cleaning.

Then about 5 minutes before G3 came home I finally sat down. He walked in and said, "I am glad you had a chance to rest!"  Ack!!! I can't win!

Catching up on Pictures

Here are the 3 stooges in San Francisco, at the Golden Gate Bridge Vista point.

Alex at the kick-off event for Grad weekend for Amanda's On Line High School. They had a blast on the go-karts.

G3 and Alex before the awesome Tesla test drive. G3 earned some cache that day - they drove part of the track at 105 miles per hour! Can't wait until his Tesla is delivered - supposedly sometime in September.

Amanda at Nationals - wielding her Chinese broad sword during the demo team competition. How she did it so sick - I will never know!

Amanda during her weapons routine. We did not know until later, but she really busted up her hand during the board breaking - she does a blindfolded part that went a little awry - she still broke the board but was in a lot of pain during the weapons routine - but still managed 2nd place - only 0.3 points behind 1st place.

Amanda with her weapons coach showing off her silver medal!!! Woohoo Amanda - Way to go!

ALex at the gun range last weekend. I stayed with the kids and G3 took Alex for some manly time. Pure luck caught the muzzle flash as he fired a .357 magnum.

Trying not to be Cynical

Alex hasn't asked to call Ukraine for a while, so two nights ago  I suggested that he call. I don't know if I should have, but I figured I should offer. He called his Grandma, who just spent 30 minutes crying and talking. We have discovered that calling through Skype is the cheapest way to call, so I could hear her. She just monopolized the conversation. He was just placating her and when he got off the phone, he told me that she needed money for medicine and hospital bills. He also told me that she had not had enough money recently to pay for the upkeep on his dad's grave. I wonder how she blew through all the money we gave her when we left Ukraine 2 months ago.

Anyway, he was very reluctant to ask me for money for her, but I could tell he felt obligated to do so. I was so mad, this is a burden that he should not have to bear. I was also mad at her - she really didn't give him a chance to talk about his life here. She didn't give him a chance to tell her if he was ok! So this is where my cynicalness is coming out. I should be more charitable, but it is hard - I think the first priority on all our lives should be Alex!

But, I tried to put aside all these feelings and feel more understanding of her situation. Thank goodness the Morfords are going over to Ukraine. (Thank you Alisa and Marsh!) I rushed around yesterday, withdrawing money, and having Alex write a letter, so that they could hand deliver some money to her. I don't know how we will support her once we do not have anyone going over there. I do not feel comfortable sending cash in the mail and I do not think she has a bank account, but maybe this won't be a problem - I am not going to suggest Alex call her again. If he wants to - fine, but I am not going to push it.

After the conversation about his grandmother ended, he looked so pitiful. I tucked him in bed and tried to say goodnight, but he just clung to me and didn't want to let go. He wanted me to stroke his hair until he fell asleep, so I gladly did. My heart was breaking as I looked down at him. He is such a little boy at heart and just needs so much love - I hope I am up to this task that has been set before me.