I am beginning to think that I need to turn over a new leaf in my life and that of our family. It seems like we never get enough done in the course of a day to make me happy. So either my expectations are too high or we are a lazy sluggish family that can't get anything done. I was just thinking as I was driving home from the market that I want to go to sleep just one night feeling like I have accomplished everything during the day that I set out to do. That has never happened, at least not that I can recall, and it would be such a novel thing. But back to not having enough time.
We certainly don't have enough time to do the school work that I want done in a day. Some of that is honestly Alex's fault though. Even though he has gotten a lot better, he still fusses a lot about doing his work. He complains and exclaims how much he hates it - everything. This is in one breath, and then the other breath will be asking a question about university or a career. He is somewhat motivated and wants to do well, but is still struggling with lack of self-esteem when it comes to academics, and a general negative view of school work. He does not enjoy learning the way the rest of us do and regularly tells me that. There isn't much I can do to make him like it - I try to choose subjects that he enjoys and do it in small manageable spurts, but we are falling behind little by little. I think it is mostly my fault as I can't bring myself to continually teach to a negative ninny. It is much easier to go do laundry, dishes, or other tasks and leave him on World of Warcraft quiet and happy than to say, "Time for some reading," or whatever is on the agenda. I know it isn't all his fault - being told you are stupid your whole life is going to take some undoing, but I am tired of cleaning up other people's messes so to speak. I am ready to have this one over. Because I know that in order for him to accomplish in life what he wants to - there has to be some change. To this end, this week I made an executive decision, I am going to keep him at home one extra year and graduate him at 19 from high school instead of at 18. But it isn't all doom and gloom - he read the book Stuart Little this week all by himself and understood it. It was even a little easy - so in only 2 years - I think being able to read and understand that in English is pretty good.
I still am fighting the messiness, which is not true messiness. It's hard to explain, but Alex can and does pick up after himself - its the messiness that comes along with things he hasn't had to manage before. Before us, his clothing was limited, so it was always dealt with if he wanted clothes to wear the next day. Here, because he has a closet full, they are strewn all over and he gets a little overwhelmed. These little things can become a huge burden when multiplied.
I also wish that we could do more things in a day - meaning errands, classes, and outside activities. Alex still finds himself stretched thin with more than one or two things to do outside the house every day. Then when he gets home, he has to recharge himself and have some downtime. All of this combined with everything else we need to do in the course of a day makes for a lack of time to do what I need to with him. His life was so limited before and more intent on surviving, that the learning how to live got missed. Mostly I am sad about these things, but sometimes they make me angry. I wish I could wave a magic wand and make them disappear, but there you go - they can't.
So, hopefully, with added patience on my part and a bette schedule that I am always striving for, I can solve some of these problems. I hope that we can reach a better balance overseas with fewer distractions and can address these issues. I also feel that by delaying his high school graduation one year, that I can hopefully feel less under pressure and be happier and more relaxed!
