What's that - I can't understand you

Dearest Dema,

We are finally caught up to the present. We are just finishing vacation (we left the week after you left to go back to Ukraine) and will be going home soon. G4 starts his fall semester next week and we want to be settled before he has classes.

I got an email today on how to contact you through letters and phone calls. We will try to do so soon but I want to be able to communicate a little bit. I have been trying to start to learn Russian. I have not had good luck learning languages in the past - even after 4 years of Spanish, my communication is rudimentary at best. So I started researching different methods of teaching languages. There actually is a lot of research on the subject. I got way off track and ended up by getting into the area of ESL instruction, but I allowed myself to get distracted since this will be a subject of great interest to me when you finally get here Dema.

So I went off on the ESL tangent and found that there is some controversy surrounding ESL in public education. Unfortunately there is just one ESL track in schools and all children that are non-native speakers are lumped into it together. The problem is that there is a wide divergence in the home environment of these children. When children are living with an immigrant family, they are exposed to their native language at home and therefore need the conversational instruction at school. When you have children that are being exposed to solely English at home, they will excel in their conversational status, so much so that they will be indistinguishable from other children within a year or so, but their academic language will not be so lucky. Their ESL instruction will stop after conversational fluency has been reached, accounting for the major discrepancy that is seen in many cases of academic performance. The other phenomenon that occurs widely in adoptive families is that the acquisition of English will become replacement instead of additive on top of the kid's own language as they have no one reinforcing their native tongue at home.

So, back to my initial point here, that I want to learn Russian. After all this research, I am more convinced than ever it is necessary, not only to help ease the transition, but also to make sure that Dema's ability to speak his native tongue is preserved. (Now I know I am focusing on Russian and someone will say, "What about Ukranian?" and I get that - but since most people in Ukraine are already bilingual and speak both Russian and Ukraine, and since Russian is spoken in a few more places in the world and Russian books are more widely available, we will stick with that!) I am convinced that there is no greater gift in this global world than to be bilingual. But now remember my ability level here! I had already tried Rosetta Stone with Amanda when I tried to teach her Spanish, and she really didn't like it. I have also looked at purely grammatical texts and have finally come to realize that there is no magic way to learn - the conversational method vs. the grammatical method. They both have to be done in order to have true fluency, not just conversationally but also to be literate in a foreign language. Guess what - back to the computer for more research.

On our trip, with every college campus that we visited, I would look in their textbook section for their introductory Russian textbooks. Finally, I found the one I wanted, Golosa. It is a great textbook and workbook that also has internet links. It is a good blend of conversational and grammatical techniques, with a lot of listening. Of course, you can't jump right in, because they have a different alphabet! I feel so stupid - having to start with the alphabet again! The worst part of it is those letters of the Russian alphabet that look like some letters of our alphabet but have completely different sounds. For example an H is pronounced N. I think I have just about gotten the alphabet down, but pronunciation is a completely different thing. I am going to keep doing about a lesson a day when I can and hope that by the time you are ready for us, I can at least speak a little and understand you.

I have been proud of the little I have done so far. On our trip, we were walking around Pike Place Market in Seattle and came across a little Russian bakery. There was an article in their window that was written in Russian and I was able to sound out the title. Then I was able to translate a couple of the words! I was so proud of myself. So look out Dema - I am aiming for complete understanding when you get here - you won't be able to hide behind the language barrier!

Love,

Bethany, Amanda, G3, and G4

Penny Pinchers

Dearest Dema,

I am sure there will be many frustrating moments and low points as we try to finalize the adoption, but this last week will linger in my memory as one of those low points. Once you were gone, the paperwork started…

G3 and I had to sign the adoption agreement and get the first payment off. I signed the agreement, and took it into G3's office for him to sign. I thought he had signed it and sent it off and therefore proceeded to send off emails to that extent, when I received a call from him. This is where we started to go downhill. G3 had several concerns about the agreement and also asked if I had checked up on the company itself. I had been so caught up in the emotional aspect of this decision, I had neglected the practical aspect. Thank goodness G3 is so careful. I mean, we have never, ever, even thought of investing a fraction of that amount of money before without checking and double checking the source or company involved.

As an aside to Dema, you will learn about us as you live with us - but there is nothing left to chance in this family! G3 is good at squeezing every penny out of a deal that he can. For example, when we go to buy cars, he has a whole system. He researches the car he wants, decides what he wants to pay (which is base price plus $1000 to the dealership to make a modest profit) and then waits until the last day of a quarter. Then he starts calling around dealerships and talking directly to the sales manager and starts the conversation with a question, "Have you made your quota of sales this quarter?" If the answer is no (which it almost always is) he then proceeds to offer a cash deal at his prearranged price. After he waits a decent interval for the poor manager to pick himself up off the floor or stop choking, he reiterates the offer. He will continue to do this with dealership after dealership in ever widening concentric circles from where we live until he finds a yes answer. And believe it or not - we have always gotten our car at ridiculously low prices!

I know that I am getting off topic here, but I can't stop myself. G3 is also the same man who will empty out a reusable vacuum bag to reuse it instead of buying a new one. But enough fun at his expense - I am to be implicated in this as well. Last week we had to rent a car on a trip we were taking (we were driving the motorhome and were not towing a car.) Unable to find what I thought was a reasonable rate for a rental car, I actually went to Rent-a-Wreck in Pasadena, CA obtain a rental car. I found them online and felt that their rate of $29.99 a day for a SUV was reasonable - unlike the $60.00 from the next best, Thrifty. Now I should have known something was up when I saw the 11 police cars at a nearby hotel (obvious drug bust) with several young men lined up face down on the pavement out front as we were driving to the Rent-a-Wreck office. But my frugal nature was undeterred. Even when we saw several more young men with gang tattoos hanging out around the corner where the office was, I still was determined to get the best deal. But not to throw caution to the wind, I asked G4 to come with me to rent the car. I figured that his size would deter any serious problems. So G3 dropped us off shaking his head and went down the street to get gas. We walked in and after trying to hide the retching noises politely behind our hands from the smell in the office, just smiled as we breathed through our mouths. The gentleman behind the counter was very chatty and wanted to know all about why we were renting a car and what we were going to do. I thought it was just for conversation only to have him follow up the comment, "Good, I just needed to make sure you weren't going to drive over the border with the car - most of our customers try to." My jaw dropped as I realized his implication. I must have sputtered something because he followed up with, "Oh, don't worry, I had you figured for someone who only rents new cars, not ones like ours. But I just had to ask."

I couldn't get out of there fast enough but then when I saw the car, I thought out of the frying pan into the fire! It was a Toyota Rav4 with 263,000 miles on it. At some point in its life it must have been hot-wired as a suspicious amount of hardware was missing from its steering column and around the keyhole. G4 and I held our breaths as it started (which it did) and then drove away - right to the corner gas station as it was on empty. Hopping out of the car to fill it with gas I was thinking okay, this really isn't to bad. Then I spent the next 5 minutes looking for the credit card swipey thing on the pump. Finally I gave up and went to find an attendant only to find out after shouting at her behind 3 inches of bullet proof glass that they were cash only. Thanks goodness I had some cash on me. But the car worked for us - no breakdowns or problems (except for the time the dome light fell out spontaneously and bonked me on the head as I was driving). So, I feel vindicated after all. However, the rest of the family has decided that I will have nothing to do with any type of reservations ever again. I don't know why…...

So sorry for the aside, but I think it really shows our personality - frugal to the core. Bearing this in mind, we start checking out this company and come to find out that it is not licensed, bonded, or insured (we come to find out that most companies are not in this space). This freaks out G3 and so he fusses at me to start to research the company and see what I can find out. I of course am happy to do so, horrified at my lapse in judgement, but also hopping up and down thinking it has to be okay because we need Dema.

So, to make a long story short, it takes us a week to find out there have been no complaints about the company, that they have a good track record in Ukraine with the American embassy, and to annoy the employees of the company with endless questions and issues that we need answered. The resolution - this is one area where G3 and I will have to go on faith and accept all the risks. As you can imagine, a hard pill to swallow from a family who has never made an impulsive decision in our whole life!

Here comes life lesson number three for you, Dema. Always ask questions and never take anything at face value. It is important to do your due diligence and feel good about a decision you have made. If you feel like you are being forced or rushed into something, there is usually something that is being hidden. So ask questions, do research, and always be as informed as you can. And even if the outcome doesn't change or things don't go as planned, you will at least be as prepared as you can. Some surprises are fun, others much less so.

So, now I think everything is settled - at least for now and we are moving forward. We have come to peace with the situation and have decided to focus on the outcome not the process. 

Gotta go for now. And as always, thinking of you Dema!

Love,

Bethany, Amanda, G3, and G4

Till We Meet Again

Dearest Dema,

Well to continue back on our story….The day after the park meeting, I got a phone call from R. saying that indeed they would be bringing you that evening after dinner to stay with us for the rest of your visit! We were so excited. Panic ensued in the house as we cleaned it from top to bottom. We scoured everything, then went to work preparing a room for you….. 

Amanda was upset because the room we were going to give Dema had a "girly" looking comforter and window treatment. So, G3 had to switch the window covering from another bedroom and I had to remake the bed with more "manly" accoutrements. We moved a squashy chair into the room along with a nightstand and then ran around the house finding knickknacks to make the room look homey. Amanda donated a clock and her favorite blue Lava lamp from her sitting room, G4 a hex bug game, G3 a poster of a rugby team, and I set up some Legos of a Ferrari car on the bookcase.

We were done by about 5:00pm and then sat around for the next three hours because I wouldn't let anyone walk on the carpet that had freshly vacuumed carpet marks on it. Everyone kept fussing at me that I was being ridiculous, but I was insistent on putting our best foot forward and that meant a clean, freshly vacuumed carpet, and how could people tell that if there weren't any carpet marks on it? G4 and Amanda were so anxious, they could barely sit still. We occupied our time with learning the Russian phrases for good evening and how are you of which everyone promptly forgot in the excitement of Dema's arrival.

Finally, there was a knock at the door. R. and his daughter N. were there, along with the director of the orphanage, her translator, and Dema bringing up the rear looking very angry and put out. As we came to find out, he had first been hosted for a week with a family that did not offer adoption. Then he was moved around and ended up with a family that had no intention of adopting, but he didn't really know that. This second family had a bunch of teenage boys and lived in a neighborhood where there was a bunch more of teenage boys - in short - an ideal scenario for Dema. There was no shortage of bikes, video games, skateboards, etc. to keep him busy, along with an endless supply of 13 year old boys just like him.

So, here he was, plucked out of this second family where he was having fun and then brought over to us. No wonder he looked so angry and scared. Dema, I will never forget how you looked sitting on the couch - so small and frightened. I wanted to run over and tell you it would be okay and not to worry about anything, but of course, as usual, all we could do was smile, say hello in Russian, and sit there grinning at you. Maybe you were getting the telepathic messages of welcome and love - but based upon your facial expressions - I don't think so!

Well, it was late after everyone left and Amanda and G4 showed Dema his room and where to drop his stuff. There was a little playtime but pretty much off to bed after that.

I am going to fast forward through the next week, after all Dema was with us so he won't need any remembrances. Just suffice it to say, we had the best time with him all week. There were some challenges - we discovered pretty quickly that he didn't like being told what to do and he initially used the language barrier to circumvent us, but we were on to that pretty quick. But with humor and perseverance, we all had a wonderful time and felt he fit in so well. It was like we had always had three children. He was certainly as messy as our others and as cranky in the mornings! He was as picky an eater as our kids too, one night scraping his plate and asking for more salad, the next turning up his nose at it. But there was never a problem with Cokes and donuts...hmm.. I am going to have to break this habit when he comes back.

But all too soon, it was Monday morning and we had to drive him to the airport. I had already cried packing his bags the night before but I was worried that I would break down when time came to say good-bye. I think we were all sad to contemplate having to let him go back home. We had already had "the talk" with him several nights before, where we had offered to him to become a part of our family. He had indicated through a translator that he wanted to, but you are never quite a hundred percent sure what is being communicated and if there are any caveats or nuances you are not aware of. We sincerely hope we were able to communicate the depth of our feelings for him and how much he was wanted. There was also that minuscule concern that something would go wrong and we would never see him again. After all, the decision to adopt Dema was the easy part, now two governments and masses of paperwork and monetary expenditures were standing in between Dema and us.

The airport was a scene of mass confusion, with tearful goodbyes from all the hosting families, and kids running everywhere, but all too soon, it was over and Dema was gone - back on his way to Ukraine.

The car ride home was awful, it was way too quiet! It took us about three or four days to stop looking for Dema. It was at least 3 days before I could bear to go into his room, and at that, all I could do was make his bed - I didn't have the heart to strip the sheets off yet. As of my writing this - 2 weeks later - I still haven't.

So Dema, we are slowly catching up to the present, but we still have some ways to go. Here seems like a good place to end this letter so, remember, we love you and can't wait to see you again.

Love,

Bethany, Amanda, G3, and G4

Oh, the things we have yet to learn

Dearest Dema,
I had prepared the next installment of this blog but the funniest thing happened tonight that I know will bring a smile to your face that I just couldn't resist telling. You taught us something and if only we could have capitalized on it! And it brings up important point number two - you can learn from anyone at anytime - it is important to keep an open mind and listen! Absolutely everyone can bring something to the table and you shouldn't discount anyone.
So to continue with our story tonight, as you know we don't have TV at home, so every time we go on vacation, the TV is a very exciting part of the trip. Well, we are in Seattle now in our motorhome and of course the cable TV is hooked up. G4 was flipping around the stations as I was making dinner and happened across the game show Jeopardy. We love watching it when we can and love to see how many answers we can get right. Anyway, the last daily double (trust me, you'll understand when you watch the show) was a question about videogames. Now, we all groaned because the only games we play are rated E for everyone and are family games - like Wii Sports or MarioKart. While we like them, we do understand that they represent an extremely small portion of hte videogame market. As we heard the category, the kids groaned and said if only Dema were here - he would probably know. We were remembering the first day you were with us that we took you to GameStop and you chose several games that you wanted none of which we had ever heard of. You seemed to know what you were doing so I just went with the flow and bought you what you wanted.
Ok, back to the story....The question asked was, "What version of Call of Duty sold 5.6 million copies in the first 24 hours when released last year?" (Or something like that). We all squealed and shouted, "Black Ops!" We all know this one know since that was one we bought for you and one of your favorite games to play, and we are keeping it safe for you on your return.
So, if we had been competing on Jeopardy, thanks to you - we would have won.
Love,
Bethany, Amanda, G3, and G4

Let's Start at the Very Beginning

I received one bit of advice recently that I am going to heed, and it was to chronicle every step of our journey to adopt Dema, a wonderful boy we had the chance to meet. Most of the other advice I have received, however well-intentioned, just didn't seem to make sense for our family, but this one seemed dead on. As T. said to me after she gave this bit of advice, "It will mean a great deal to Dema one day when he starts to question, as all adoptees do, your choice of him, his previous life, and how to move forward. It will surprise both you and him when times get rough, how much love you had for him even before he comes to live with you, and at times, you will both need to be reminded of that." So on that note - here starts the Gardiner Family Blog, Dearest Dema. This is really written for Dema to read some day, but since there will also be others reading it - I will switch back and forth between first and third person. Hopefully that won't be too annoying. I hope everyone will laugh and cry along with us in our journey to complete our family.

Dearest Dema,

I know I am starting this a couple of weeks late, but so much has happened since you left that I really haven't had time. I will first go back a few weeks in time to catch you up on things that were occurring while you were here in America but didn't know. So to start at the very beginning…..

"Dema, come heeee-eeere!" rang out across the playground. R. yelled and motioned wildly at some kids in the distance, too far off for me to make out. In a few minutes I saw a young boy in a pair of rolled up jeans pull up on a scooter. He smiled and that was the moment I knew - this was my child. He was quiet but not too shy, polite but not overly so.

But first let me take you back a few days and give you some background information.  John (from now on referred to as G3 to avoid confusion with son John who will be referred to as G4) and I had always wanted more children, but were unable to have any more. We had wanted to pursue adoption but were scared to start a process of which we knew nothing about. So, unfortunately, we had just let the idea die and I think on some level had resigned ourselves that we would not ever have the opportunity. And here comes the first life lesson in this story - Don't ever give up a dream because of fear or a lack of knowledge on how to pursue it. There is an old saying of, "Where there's a will there's a way," and it is true. Don't be intimidated; there might be times when your dreams have to be put on hold, but you should never table them completely.

So, back to our story. About a week prior, I had received an email over my homeschooling email loop announcing the presence of a hosting program in the area for some Ukrainian children who were from an orphanage. They were here on a cultural exchange program and were looking for families to host them during their visit. I turned to my husband after reading the email and asked him if we could host a child. After all, we had hosted an exchange student from Ukraine eight years previously for an entire year and had had a wonderful time with the entire experience. In fact, we still keep in touch with Alex and his family, have been to Ukraine to visit him, and consider him a permanent part of our family. We call and Skype each other as often as his schedule permits. (As an aside here, we are so proud of him. He just graduated from the University of Kiev with his masters degree in business and has found a great job. He has promised us a visit and we are anxiously awaiting it!)

Anyway, G3 said why not. So the next day I called R., the local contact for the hosting program, and the day after that, found myself and my kids sitting on a bench in a playground smiling at Dema unable to say anything but hello in Russian. He spoke to R. for a few seconds and then was off scootering around, having a good time. R. then called over another boy who was in need of a hosting family as well, and while he was just as charming and sweet, my kids and I looked at each other and all connected emotionally with a glance. We knew Dema was the one. Now of course was the question of how to execute the whole matter!

That day we went to a local aquarium with the whole group of hosted children and their host families. We had a good time, but found it hard to interact with Dema. He was here, there, everywhere, and we first got a good idea as to his energetic character. He loved being in groups (usually as the leader!) and was very social. G4 came up with an appropriate analogy - that trying to keep track of Dema was like trying to hold on to smoke. Unfortunately, without access to a translator, all we could do was grin stupidly at Dema as we all wandered around the aquarium. I think we probably scared him a little bit!

That evening, I spoke to G3 about the experience and told him that I had met a wonderful little boy that I think would be fun to host. I called R. and was invited the following weekend to a social at a local park where all the children would be with the director of the orphanage and translators present. So anxiously we all waited several days until Saturday.

We went to the park and felt a little out of place as most of the other families had already been hosting children and were all connected. I realized we had come in late and started to panic a little that maybe we would not be able to host and connect with Dema. It doesn't help either that I am too shy in group situations to be noticed. And as usual Dema was never to be found. Every time that I found him in one place and went to get my husband to say hello, I would turn around and found him gone - off in another direction! He certainly is all active boy! I think G3 was starting to think I was making up his existence. But finally I convinced him that the grey blur on the bike that kept racing back and forth was in fact Dema.

Anyway, we finally managed to snag a translator and the director of the orphanage. We told her that we had met Dema several days ago and were interested in hosting him. She gave us some of his background and her hopes for his future and then expertly corralled him as he zipped by us. Poor guy, he looked so bored! After all, what is more fun - racing around on a bike or standing and talking to the weird strangers that had done nothing but grin stupidly at him when he met them? We talked a little and then as evidenced by his squirming, he wanted to go back to playing. We let him go and after conferring with everyone, I extended the invitation to host Dema for his remaining time in America.

No promises were given, and my anxiety started to mount as I saw several other families talking throughout the evening to Dema. Naturally I wanted the best for him, but I really, really felt that would be us - now remember at this point all we had done was say hello and talk through a translator for 10 minutes! We left the park a few hours later with hopeful hearts that something would be worked out.

So, I guess I will end your first letter here Dema. Just never, ever forget how much we wanted you from the very beginning!

Love, Bethany, Amanda, G3, and G4