Learning to Let Go

Of everything that I have experienced in this adoption journey, the necessity of letting go is proving to be the hardest. Alex and I bonded so quickly and he was so needy of love and attention, that I despaired at times of having enough to give to him. But we persevered and are filling up his dry well with family and emotions. Believe it or not, I think just recently the surgery experience with his hand helped a lot and showed him finally and permanently what family means to him. BTW, he is healing well and has full movement back in his hand. There is a wicked scar, but he is proud of it.

However, as he becomes more confident and emotionally stable, I find that he is able to separate more from me. This is helped by a drivers license, of course. But he is now more comfortable separating and will only call me once or twice during a separation whereas before, there were no degrees of separation or if there were, I was called or texted every 15-30 minutes. 

In fact a milestone occurred yesterday. I had to get up early and take Amanda to the local high school to register her for the PSAT test. That in and of itself was hilarious as I didn't even know the name or location of the school. But anyway, it had to be done at the crack of dawn (ok 7:30am but that is the crack of dawn to me) and there I wasn't going to be home when Alex awoke. Then he had to get up and get to karate class at 11:00. So we were going to not see each other until the afternoon. Usually he would request that I wake him up if I had to go anywhere in the morning but I didn't get that request. And when we went over the schedule the night before, he set his alarm to wake up.

I was a little miffed, but thought, “Ok, don’t worry. Concentrate on getting yourself out of bed at that time which will be a miracle.” The next morning, Amanda and I did get her registered ( a whole other tale as schools do not like homeschoolers) and then we ran errands. It wasn't until about 11:30 that I realized I hadn't heard from Alex at all. Feeling panic, I called the karate school and was told in fact he was there working out just as he should have been.

When Alex got home, he called out to me, “Sensei told me you called. Sorry I didn't call - I forgot.” I knew that this was a big step for him so I just smiled and laughed and said, “Ok, no big deal. How was class?”

I realized that him forgetting to call meant that he felt safe enough that I was still there for him and he didn't need to check or even keep that thought in his brain. One little scar in his heart had been healed. He was sure enough of a mothers love that he didn't even need to think about it. How neat for him and how rotten for me.

I know separation is needed at some point for all kids, but when they are biological, you have time to lead up to it. It is still hard, trust me, G4 is in his first serious relationship and he is applying to grad schools all over the country and contemplating leaving home. It is so hard but I have had 18 years to work up to this moment. But with adoptive kids, everything has been on fast forward and there has been no grace period. You pour your heart and soul into them and when it works, you are overjoyed and thankful, but are left with a hole that is gaping wide and no emotional reserve to fill it. You can’t blame them, they are doing everything as they need to, but what do you do with yourself?

I know I am feeling a little adrift as I struggle to deal with this new level we have reached. I am not ready for it, but I don’t want him to know that. I know that I wasn't ready to move on to the next level and need to watch out that none of that feeling crosses over into my interactions with Alex. Life goes on but I have shed a tear or two out of the loneliness that I know feel. It is such a weird feeling to personally feel so bereft but to mentally know that it is the most wonderful thing for Alex’s emotional health. Darn it, I just wasn’t ready, but here I am whether I like it or not!

Surgery and a Book

We are in a holding pattern right now, waiting for Alex to have surgery on his hand tomorrow. He was at karate sparring class last week and his hand block met a kick in the wrong way and one crack later, Alex had broken his hand. We thought it was a minor break, the ER just bandaged it up and referred us to an ortho the next week. However, upon getting to the ortho, more X-rays showed his ring finger knuckle had started collapsing. Not good, especially since he is left-handed and this was his left hand. The bone is also twisted a little (the third metacarpal) and shortened by about 6.5 mm, which doesn't sound like much but in looking at his hand, it seemed like the knuckle had moved halfway down his hand!

So, he will need surgery and a titanium plate and screws to put him back together again. Bummer! It seems like the pain and anxiety of the break dredged up a lot of old feelings also, we have revisited many topics I thought we done and gone, but obviously not. The whole house is on lock down to prevent any sick people in - the last thing he needs is to go into general anesthesia with a cold.

He was initially fussy that everyone was making such a big deal about him, he kept saying, “I got hurt worse than this before and no one cared about me.” But I keep telling him, this is what families do - they support each other and make sure the world stops for the person that needs it. Daddy John flew in from Europe yesterday to come home and G4 cut short a camping trip to be here.

In other news, my book was finally published! YAY! I feel so relieved and can move on with the other projects that were noodling around before the adoption. Here is the link on Amazon - please everyone spread the word.

http://www.amazon.com/Panic-How-Adopt-Older-Child/dp/0983042020/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1408992591&sr=8-1&keywords=no+panic

And here is a picture of the cover.

Alex was a little miffed to see a picture of himself on the cover, but then he kept asking, “Will I be famous?” I laughed and told him, I hope so because that means it is selling well!

Whoops! Too Much Time Has Gone By

So much has been going on and I have been so busy that I have neglected this blog for far to long. But I need to keep it going. It helps me so much to get everything out - and whether people are interested in it or not? Well, I don't know but if I help just answer just one question someone has, then it is worthwhile.

Life has been interesting - with the move overseas and all. Also, my book is finally done and all be published August 1. It should be available soon after on Amazon and Barnes and Noble. I have had a lot of interest in it so far. The title is No Panic! How to Adopt an Older Child. It is available as both paperback and an ebook.

However, I know people probably read this not to find out about my life or how the family is but rather to follow adoption of a teenager and the subsequent challenges and issues - so if you want to know all about our travel overseas and life in general - friend me on Facebook! That way you can see pictures and such, but for now, I will just relate Alex things on the blog.

The hardest thing about being in Europe is the smoking for Alex. Even through he has been tobacco free for two years, he says it calls him like a drug. Every time we passed someone on the street and smelt the smoke he said he was like a blood starved vampire. I have been powerless to fix this. I do not understand the craving. I know it isn’t physical, but what is motivating it is beyond me. But in talking to friends that were smokers for years, they totally get it. So, poor Alex has had to deal with this constantly this summer. He has asked me for cigarettes on multiple occasions but when I say no, he will thank me for not caving in to him. He told me that when he first came to America two and a half years ago he never meant to quit smoking permanently. He only did it because he knew he would get into trouble with us. But now he said the biggest motivator to not smoke is because of Amanda’s severe asthma. I was so pleased to hear that - it showed me that the bonding is occurring with all the family members. Remember how worried I was years ago that it would never happen? I knew he and I bonded like glue in the beginning but I was so worried that it wouldn’t happen with the other family members. It seems so trivial to worry about now.

In an effort to help him with the smoking though we loosened up our alcohol prohibitions. Overseas, he is old enough to drink legally with parental permission, so John and I decided to give him free rein. He has surprised us with how responsible he is - he is developing quite the taste for hard cider and microbrews but so far has no alcohol problems. He drinks occasionally with a meal but has never abused alcohol and never gotten drunk. Ok I take that back - there was one night in the flat in London when he and I were tipsy together after downing several ciders - boy is he a motor mouth when he drinks!

We talked about responsible drinking - but he is way ahead of us on that one. He already knows more about it than we do! But he voiced that he just doesn't crave alcohol the way he craves cigarettes. But I think treating him like an adult with the alcohol allowed him to feel like he had some self-control over himself and could make good decisions. So all in all - we have been pleased so far that he has stayed away from cigarettes. Now I know some of you are rolling your eyes and wondering how I can be so sure of myself that he hasn’t gone off on a binge. And if we were anywhere else I would agree with you - however. Remember we were in a 700 square foot flat (spacious by London standards) and have not physically separated for the past 2 months. Amanda, Alex, and I have done everything together - as we have been without friends and contacts in Europe. So this I know.

The one thing however that continues to astonish me is the continual flow of new information. I keep thinking every time something is revealed from his past that, “OK, now I have heard it all,” but I am just deluding myself. The revelations just keep coming. I must admit to feeling some frustrations with that. I am ready to be free from the differences that separate us and have nothing but everything in common. Dream on - I know but I do get angry with it.

Just a case in point. We were in a cafe in Paris two weeks ago and were talking about something generic when Amanda mentioned a book she was reading about a run-a-way teen. Alex popped up with, “Oh, Sergei and I were going to run away once we got to America.” This hit me out of left field. “Oh yeah,” he followed up with. “We planned to take as much money as we could and run away and steal what else we needed.” (Becky take a deep breath!)

As I was choking on my crepe, I countered with, “Oh this must have been early on when you just got there wasn’t it?” really hoping it was but he shot back, “Yeah, but then we were really planning it when you told me we were moving to Seattle. I didn't want to leave you but didn't want a family either.”

HE HAD BEEN WITH US 4 MONTHS AT THAT POINT. At this, I almost fell out of my chair. I couldn’t believe it. I was so hurt. Without any warning, I started bawling - loudly - in the middle of this cafe - with everyone looking at me. I was devastated. The floodgates just opened - I felt so betrayed and raw. Poor Amanda and Alex didn't know what to do with me. We managed to finish the meal and get out of the cafe but I was finished for the day. We went back to our flat and Alex came to me and said, “I never would really have done it, I just didn't want to move.” But I could tell he was just assuaging me. I knew that if given half a chance, he would have been gone from me back them and I never would have even known why or what happened. I don’t know why this hit me so hard, but I am still reeling from it. It just highlights to me the different place parents and kids are in the this WHOLE process of adoption.

I like to think that after the initial adjustment phase, that everything calms down and will be normal - but I have to realistic - there is no normal. It will always be different. Maybe a new normal. I had been planning for Alex in paperwork and getting money for the adoption for months and then traveling halfway around the world to actually get him. By the time we landed in America, he was mine, completely and wholly - my work was done - I was bonded, attached and a parent in every sense of the word. But by that time, Alex was not even interested in being a child in a family. He was there for opportunity, money, adventure, whatever, but not to be my child. Somewhere along the line this has changed, and he now is becoming my child, but the process is not complete inside of him and I wonder if it every will be. And this is a kid who is open with me, communicative, and not too scarred from past abuses and neglect. We also have no learning disabilities, FAS, PTSD to deal with. OMG - if we had other issues, how would he ever be mine? Could he learn, can he heal, can he accept us as a family, truly and emotionally forever? I still lie awake and think about these thoughts at night. Everyone else in the family thinks I am overreacting but I know the truth of what is in that kid’s heart. We are worming our way in, but boy it is taking a long, long time. 

No wonder I have worries about him constantly. But then just as I am drowning in these thoughts something comes along to alleviate them. We were walking along a street in London two days ago when out of the blue he grabbed my hand and said, “ You know what I most wanted when I was little? It was a momma. I had Grandma and I tried to call her momma but she said no she was my grandma. Then when I met my dad and his new wife, my stepmom, I thought that my prayers had been answered. But then I realized she was mean and hurt me and then forced me to call her momma. But you, you are my real momma.”

I almost crumbled into an emotional mess of goo at that. I started crying again but caught myself (thank goodness for sunglasses). I didn't know what to say except, “I know, and you are my real son.” That alone lifted me out of the depths of panic and worry.

But truth be told, I wish there were no ups and downs, I long for a time of knowledge that we are all bonded together and there is no past, only a future. I want consistency not surprises, but then again God didn't give Alex what he wanted for a long time - guess I will have to wait too, but at least I am secure in the knowledge we are all together now and nothing will tear us apart if I can prevent it.

First University Visit

I decided that since I was having more school reluctance than I wanted from Alex, that I would fix that with a visit to a local university. He has never had a visit to a college, other that visiting G4 and I want him to understand what he needs to do to get into one. I am not beating him over the head with books because I enjoy it. So, I called a local university, Seattle University and made an appointment for a tour and a meeting with an admissions counselor.

It turned out to be the best thing in the world for Alex. I keep forgetting that he doesn't come from the same place I do and even though he has expressed interest in college, he had no true understanding of what that meant. We got a great tour guide and really fell in love with the campus. It is very small, only 4300 undergrad students, with most living on campus. It felt very much like a family campus with a lot of community spirit. Afterwards, we met with an admissions counselor, which went very well.

We Never Have enough Time

I am beginning to think that I need to turn over a new leaf in my life and that of our family. It seems like we never get enough done in the course of a day to make me happy. So either my expectations are too high or we are a lazy sluggish family that can't get anything done. I was just thinking as I was driving home from the market that I want to go to sleep just one night feeling like I have accomplished everything during the day that I set out to do. That has never happened, at least not that I can recall, and it would be such a novel thing. But back to not having enough time.

We certainly don't have enough time to do the school work that I want done in a day. Some of that is honestly Alex's fault though. Even though he has gotten a lot better, he still fusses a lot about doing his work. He complains and exclaims how much he hates it - everything. This is in one breath, and then the other breath will be asking a question about university or a career. He is somewhat motivated and wants to do well, but is still struggling with lack of self-esteem when it comes to academics, and a general negative view of school work. He does not enjoy learning the way the rest of us do and regularly tells me that. There isn't much I can do to make him like it - I try to choose subjects that he enjoys and do it in small manageable spurts, but we are falling behind little by little. I think it is mostly my fault as I can't bring myself to continually teach to a negative ninny. It is much easier to go do laundry, dishes, or other tasks and leave him on World of Warcraft quiet and happy than to say, "Time for some reading," or whatever is on the agenda. I know it isn't all his fault - being told you are stupid your whole life is going to take some undoing, but I am tired of cleaning up other people's messes so to speak. I am ready to have this one over. Because I know that in order for him to accomplish in life what he wants to - there has to be some change. To this end, this week I made an executive decision, I am going to keep him at home one extra year and graduate him at 19 from high school instead of at 18. But it isn't all doom and gloom - he read the book Stuart Little this week all by himself and understood it. It was even a little easy - so in only 2 years - I think being able to read and understand that in English is pretty good.

I still am fighting the messiness, which is not true messiness. It's hard to explain, but Alex can and does pick up after himself - its the messiness that comes along with things he hasn't had to manage before. Before us, his clothing was limited, so it was always dealt with if he wanted clothes to wear the next day. Here, because he has a closet full, they are strewn all over and he gets a little overwhelmed. These little things can become a huge burden when multiplied.

I also wish that we could do more things in a day - meaning errands, classes, and outside activities. Alex still finds himself stretched thin with more than one or two things to do outside the house every day. Then when he gets home, he has to recharge himself and have some downtime. All of this combined with everything else we need to do in the course of a day makes for a lack of time to do what I need to with him. His life was so limited before and more intent on surviving, that the learning how to live got missed. Mostly I am sad about these things, but sometimes they make me angry. I wish I could wave a magic wand and make them disappear, but there you go - they can't.

So, hopefully, with added patience on my part and a bette schedule that I am always striving for, I can solve some of these problems. I hope that we can reach a better balance overseas with fewer distractions and can address these issues. I also feel that by delaying his high school graduation one year, that I can hopefully feel less under pressure and be happier and more relaxed!

We are - moving on!

I have so many updates to give and there isn’t really any excuse why I have been so lazy about writing this blog to let everyone in on the news. However, maybe you all can forgive once I catalogue everything we have been doing. I guess I will separate everything into pieces for easier digestion!

Daddy John’s Job - Well, as you know he travels constantly and is never here. Well, we got some exciting news about a month ago. The equity company he works for has bought a company in London, with major offices in Paris, Barcelona, and Hong Kong, and has asked him to be the CFO for the company. They also bought a company in Seattle that eventually they want to consolidate everything to. Could you ask for anything better? So for the next 18 months to 2 years, we will be getting to travel around Europe and then move back here. We will keep the house in Seattle, after all G4 needs a place to live. Daddy John will be getting a flat in London and in Paris that we can stay in and use as a base for all the travel I am planning. They have given us a huge travel bonus as well so that if I get tired of overseas, well, I can just bring the kids home and relax stateside for a while. The only caveat will be that John can’t stay too long in any one country (no more than 6 months a year) to avoid the taxes, so he will be moving around a lot. But really, I am ok with that.

Amanda is a little skeptical of this whole endeavor with her training, but we have assured her that this is the opportunity of a lifetime and can’t be missed. I figure we will abandon most schoolwork for a year and do mainly history and art while we travel.

I do have a little trepidation about being apart for some time across an ocean from my love. When he travels in the US, I still feel like I can get help if I need it, but now overseas, I feel like he is a world away. Hopefully, we will be able to spend more time together than this past year or so once I can get us over to Europe.

G4 - I can’t leave him out. He turned 18 in March (still can’t believe it). He is a senior at UW with a 3.9 GPA getting his BS in Molecular and Cellular Biology and a Minor in Chemistry with Departmental Honors. The thing about UW is their crazy grading system. They give out only numerical grades. An A+ is a 4.0, an A is 3.75, an A- is a 3.5, a B+ is a 3.2, etc. So it is impossible almost to get a 4.0 GPA. Well, nothing stops this kid. Cumulatively his GPA is a 3.9 but last quarter he got a perfect 4.0 which meant a perfect 100 in all of his classes! I have to hand it to him, he has surpassed Daddy and me! My 3.83 GPA had a lot of A-’s that were still luckily counted as a 4.0 - I don't think I ever got a perfect 100 in a class and he manages to do it ALL the time.

He also started research at the VA and is the second author on a project dealing with gene regulation and expression in the brain. He is doing so well, I am so proud of him. He will be doing grad school applications in the summer - the deadline to apply is December 1. Hopefully if all goes according to plan, he will be starting his PhD in 2015. He has made a lot of friends, is always out, and pretty much runs his own life, except for laundry which I find dropped off in the laundry room, and food shopping, which he fusses when there is nothing in the pantry.

Amanda - This little powerhouse is still going strong with her Olympic dreams. All of her medical conditions are still holding her back though. Thank goodness for the physicians at UW, they have been great. Honestly, we are going to have to assess whether they will ultimately hinder her dreams, but for now, she keeps training to the point of passing out (I am not kidding) 6 days a week and keeping a positive attitude. We have an appointment next Friday to hopefully answer the question as to when she will get surgery on her airway and larynx.

She competed at the World TKD Open last month and took home the Gold Medal for sparring. She was a little powerhouse and even got penalized for being to aggressive, but as she told me after the fight, “There was no way I was going to lose!”

She is turning 15 next week and is still the sweetest, nicest little girl I could ever ask for. 

Alex - OK - the main reason for my blog! Saving the best for last. He is doing great. He started Karate in November and has stuck with it, just earning his orange belt last week. He is doing great in school, almost finished with Algebra 1 and obviously doing that big science fair project. Even though he was poopy about doing the project, he looks back now and is so proud of all that he accomplished with it. He realizes what a great accomplishment that was for him. I can’t believe that he is only 16 sometimes with how mature he has become. He drives everywhere and is so trustworthy. He has a part-time job also tutoring Russian in the homeschooling group. He still plays video games wayyyy to much, but I don’t fuss too much anymore. He does his work and for the most part helps out around the house. He and Amanda are like 2 peas in a pod most of the time. He know takes care of most of the driving of her back and forth to TKD (thank goodness). He also dyed the back of his hair blue - not sure why - but it looks cute.

He continues to settle into life in America, and even said to me the other day that he didn't think he would go back to Ukraine except for some visits. I was really surprised at that but you know what? Secretly happy!

We had a few issues when he connected with his stepmother on VK - that riled me up a little but I have to get used to the fact that he has a half-sister that he wants to maintain contact with. I just asked him to clue me in on the messaging as I was worried about her. He fussed a little at that, since we don’t monitor any of the kids phones, computers, internet usage etc. But once I explained to him that she was an abusive and neglectful person to him, and I had an obligation to protect him, he just grumbled about crazy, overprotective parents but said ok. Thank goodness, we have a close enough relationship that it blew over quickly. I don't think he sees her as abusive and neglectful, but instead of just dissing me, now he listens before he disagrees. I know it will take a while, but I really feel that he needs to look at her for exactly what she was and not romanticize their relationship. I know it will take a while, but I keep poking.

Alex and Amanda still go to the homeschool group occasionally, but as they get older are starting to age out of the activities a little bit. He doesn’t have a lot of friends, but I am ok with that. Terrible right? I guess I look at it as he has the rest of his adult life to make friends, but only these few years with me to cement a family relationship. That trumps friends any day of the week! He just turned to me today in the car as he was driving me home from errands, we were joking about something, and he said to me, “I love the four of you all so much.” Chills!!!! 

He is still the first thing I think about every morning and the last thing I think about before sleep. I keep wondering if ever that will change, but I know that I have a lot of years to make up for that he wasn’t with us. I am constantly worrying about his English, his Russian (not losing it are you?), his schoolwork (should we do more, or am I pushing too hard?), and just about everything else. He laughed at me the other day and said, “Will you stop worrying about everything? You need to calm down and let things just happen.” Then he invited me down to watch him play Grand Theft Auto. So, taking his advice, I went down to the game room with him and started to watch him, got bored and irritated with the bad language, and ended up by falling asleep on his shoulder. After I woke up (a good hour later) he said, “Well, that isn't exactly what I meant, but I guess it worked for you.” What a doll!

GTG now, but I will update you all on our recent vacation and cruise to the Caribbean next.

Research Paper

I gave up trying to attach the files - couldn't figure out how - so I will just cut and paste it here. I am sure the formatting will be all wonky - but bear with me. If you are interested in the graphs (which really demonstrate the data so much better) please email me and I will send them to you. Alex is all nervous, the regional science fair is this weekend. But I know no matter the outcome, he will do well.

Motivations and Decision-Making Processes of Internationally Adopted Children

Alex Gardiner

5349 228th Avenue SE,

Issaquah, WA 98029

Homeschooled

Grade 10

Table Of Contents

Introduction 3

Background Research 5

Methods 6

Results 8

Conclusion 12

References 14

Introduction

This science fair project is about children that have been adopted from other countries into America. I came up with the idea because I thought that very few people studied adopted children. I think that the topic of international adoption is not as widely discussed and many people don’t even know there are children in other countries that need families. Unfortunately, there is not a lot of attention given to younger and older children that need families.

I was adopted at the age of 14 from Ukraine and I thought it would be interesting to study what other children felt about being adopted. I personally felt really strange coming to America the first time. There were so many things I didn’t know and then once I got used to my new family and learned the language, it got better. I am interested in what other children feel about the process of being adopted. 

I want to be a psychologist and I feel like this study will be a good start. I want to understand people better as I feel it is very interesting to know what others are thinking and feeling. Other children might not have wanted to be adopted and I want to explore the reasons why they said that. The reasons are the most important things to know about these children to pass onto other families considering adoption.

Also, I feel that studying the reasons and motivations behind their decisions is very interesting. I am interested in knowing what the children have to say about my project. I will be able to tell about children that feel neutral about the situation, or maybe are very excited about adoption. Also, it is important to find out about children that felt like they had no choice in the adoption decision.

For my experiment, I developed my hypothesis from my own personal experience. I think everyone will say they wanted to be adopted because they want a family. I feel about 80% will say yes because they wanted to say yes, 5% will say yes because someone told them to say yes, and another 15% said yes because they feel they have no choice about being adopted.

I think that most children in orphanages want to be adopted and many of them will not get a chance. I hope many people will see this project and be inspired to adopt a child.

Background Research

International adoption numbers have been decreasing in America for the past decade or so. In 2004, there were 22,990 children adopted from foreign countries by Americans. By the time 2011 arrived, only 9,320 children were adopted from foreign countries and still the number is continuing to fall. An interesting fact is that even though other countries adopt internationally such as Spain, France, Italy, and Canada, America adopts internationally more than any other country and accounts for about 50% of all international adoptions.

One country that America used to adopt from is Russia. Recently, there have been issues with Russia, resulting in the Russian President decided to stop adoptions to America. I feel like I would do anything in my power to change this, as there are children awaiting homes in Russia. I hope many people will see this project and help support me to gain awareness of this issue and of international adoptions as a whole.

Methods

First, we researched the proper forms to use for this science fair project. I then filled them out and submitted them and received permission to go ahead with the project.

To start the project, I came up with the questionnaire to use. I sent out the questionnaire to various groups that had contact with internationally adopted children. Then, I waited to get the answers back along with the informed consents. I identified my independent and dependent variables in this project. The dependent variable I was testing is the feelings of the children about being adopted and whether they had a choice. The independent variables were their age at adoption and how long it took them to decide about being adopted.

After getting the questionnaires back, I started working on the project. First I started compiling all the numbers. I started with the age of adoption, dividing it into three categories, under age 6, ages 7 through 11, and ages 12 and older. Then, I looked at how long they were in the USA since adoption. Then I looked at the questions dealing with how long it took the children to make a decision to be adopted. These answers were divided into 4 groups; no choice, immediate decision, 1 day to 1 month, and over 1 month. Then I looked at whether the children had a good, neutral, or bad feeling about adoption both before adoption and after being in the USA for a certain amount of time.

On the questionnaire, children answered anyway they wanted to in sentences. I had to change these sentences (qualitative) into numbers (quantitative). For the time period to make a decision about whether to be adopted, I divided the answers into no choice, immediately (which I assigned a value of 1), 1 day to 1 month (which I assigned a value of 2), and over 1 month (which I assigned a value of 3). I followed the same procedure for how children felt about adoption before and after coming to America, with good feelings assigned a 1, neutral feelings assigned a 2, and bad feelings assigned a 3.

The first time through, I did this for all respondents. Then I did this for all respondents age 6 and under. Next, I separated out for ages 7-11, and last for ages over 12.

After we looked at all the groups, I went back and calculated statistics for the total group of range, average, and standard deviation. Then I put the data into graphs so that I could analyze it better.

Once I looked at all the graphs, I noticed that the feelings of the children about adoption were better after they had been in America for amount of time. The average feeling about adoption for kids before coming to America was 1.7. The average feeling about adoption for kids after coming to America was 1.2. I wanted to see if those were actually different so I calculated the difference of means and used the t-test to see if they were statistically significantly different.

Results

I started out the project with the hypothesis that everyone will say that they wanted to be adopted because they wanted a family. I feel about 80% will have said yes because they want to, 5% because someone told them to say yes, and another 15% said yes because they felt they didn’t have a choice on adoption. After looking at the questionnaires, I found that none said yes to adoption because they were told to say yes. I was also surprised to see how many children felt they had no choice in the adoption process.

The first question I looked at was the age of the respondents to the survey. I had a range of ages from 11 years old to 20 years old with an average age of 15 years old and a standard deviation of 2.1 years. This resulted in a nice bell-shaped curve so that I can be assured my survey was a representative sample of a normally distributed population. Next I looked at age at adoption which resulted in a range of 2 to15 years of age with a average age of 9.5 years old and a standard deviation of 4.4 years. This gives a more flat shaped curve so that the results can be applicable to all ages at adoption.

When I broke the ages down into categories, I found that for respondents that were adopted under the age of 6, their age range was 14-17 with an average of 15, for respondents adopted between the ages of 7-11, their age range was 11-16 with an average of 13.5, and for respondents adopted over the age of 12, their age range was 14-20 with an average age of 16.5 years.

The next part of my project was to look at the results for having choice in making the decision to be adopted. Overall, for all respondents, 28% of the children said they didn’t have a choice in the decision to be adopted and 72% felt they did have a choice. Breaking this down into age categories, 25% of ages 6 and under had a choice and 75% felt they had no choice in adoption. Of the 7-11 age category, 75% said they did have a choice and only 25% felt they didn’t have a choice, and in the 12 and over category, 100% felt they had a choice in the adoption decision.

The next part of my project was to look at how long it took children to make the decision to be adopted. The children who didn’t have a choice were removed from this calculation. For all ages, 62% said yes immediately, 23% took between 1 day to 1 month, and 15% took over 1 month. The data was converted into quantitative (assigned values of 1,2, or 3). The average was 1.5 with a standard deviation of .62. Looking at how long to make the adoption decision by age category showed, 100% immediate in the under 6 category, 83% immediate, and 17% over 1 month, for the ages of 7-11, and for the over 12 age category, 50% immediately, 33% 1 day to 1 month, and 17% took over 1 month.

The last part of my project was looking at children’s feelings about adoption before and after coming to the United States. Looking at all respondents, before coming the United States 56% felt good, 22% felt neutral, and 22% felt bad. After coming to the United States, 83% felt good, 11% felt neutral, and 6% felt bad. After converting these statistics to quantitative numbers, before the was average 1.7 and after the average was 1.2. 1.7 before was very close to neutral and 1.2 after was very close to good. Even though these numbers are close, I wanted to show they were in fact very different and represented two different groups of feelings before and after coming to America. I calculated the difference of averages and used to t-test to show that these were not the same and represented two different populations with a 95% confidence.

Breaking down feelings about adoption before and after coming to the United States by age category showed that for the under age 6 category, before only 25% were good, 50% neutral, and 25% were bad and after 100% were good. For the 7-11 age group, before 63% were good, 13% were neutral, and 25% were bad, and after 88% were good, and 13% bad. For the over 12 age group before 67% were good, 17% neutral, and 17% bad, and after 83% were good, and17% neutral.

Every study has some bias, and there were several areas in this study where there could have been sampling errors. One of the difficulties on this project was the countries the respondents were from. All of the respondents to my questionnaire were from Eastern Europe. There were none from other common countries children are adopted from, including China which is the most common country adopted from by Americans. Next time, this could be fixed by getting a better sample of children from other countries.

Another bias was the people responding to the survey. It could be skewed against people that didn’t want to know their children were unhappy about adoption and maybe wouldn't let them fill out the questionnaire. I can’t change the parents of the younger kids not letting them fill out the questionnaire, but I could ask children who are now older, over 18, to fill it out. This could have problems, as sometimes, they might not remember, since they are older, but it would take care of the parents problem.

Another kind of error is  investigator error. When I was reading the answers to the questionnaire from my respondents, I realized that I could have misunderstood some of their responses and maybe used wrong numbers when converting their answers into numbers. This could be fixed by doing the questionnaire better, making it easier with simpler questions so that younger children will understand them better, and actually asking people to rate their feelings by number themselves instead of me converting their answers.

Conclusion

My hypothesis of 80% of adopted children will have said yes because they wanted to be adopted, 5% because someone told them to say yes, and another 15% said yes because they felt they didn’t have a choice on adoption was basically correct with all respondents replying 83% feeling good about their adoption and 17% neutral or bad about their adoption. This can be important for adoptive parents to understand that all children are not as excited about adoption as the parents might want them to be. A lot are excited, but there will be some that aren’t. It would be helpful to understand the child’s feelings and try to find out why they are unhappy

Overall 28% respondents said yes to adoption because they felt they had no choice. Nobody specifically stated that someone told them to say yes. Even more interesting was the breakdown of choice in adoption by age category. Ages 6 and under reported 75% feeling they had no choice, ages 7-11 had only 25% feeling they had no choice, and with the over age 12 category, 0% felt they had no choice. For adoptive parents, this is important for them to understand the feelings of choice, so they can take more time with children, especially little ones and try to help them understand.

There most important finding of my study was that there was a significant difference in the children’s feelings about adoption before and after coming to America. For all respondents, 56% felt good about adoption before coming to America, while 83% felt good about adoption after coming to America. This was found to be statistically significant at the 95% level of confidence. Before being adopted, children are scared and not understanding about the changes in their lives, but after they have been here for a while, they understand how their lives changed for the better. For adoptive parents, don’t feel too bad in the beginning because everyone will go through these phases, and ultimately things will get better, and the child will feel happier.

References

1. Fowler, Jim. Practical Statistics for Field Biology, 2nd edition. Manchester, Wiley and Sons, 1998.

2. Bureau of Consular Affairs, US Department of State, http://adoption.state.gov.

3. http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/International_adoption.

4. Adoption.com. http://international.adoption.com.

5. Families for Russian and Ukrainian Adoption, http://www.frua.org.

6. Advocate for Orphans, http://advocatefororphans.wordpress.com.

7. http://www.adoption101.com/international_adoption.html.

Science Fair Project Finally Done

I can’t believe it - Alex has worked so hard on it and I have helped and put so many hours into this - I hope he does well next weekend. The actual science fair is Saturday March 8th. I have cut and pasted his abstract, which is just a little summary of the project. But I will try to upload the file which has his research paper on it for those hardy people that want to read everything. I will also try to upload the graphs representing the data.

Most children in orphanages around the world want to be adopted and many of them will not get a chance. I hope people will see this project, learn from it, and be inspired to adopt a child. I designed a survey to ask internationally adopted children about their experiences during and after adoption. My hypothesis was basically correct with all respondents replying 83% feeling good about their adoption and 17% neutral or bad about their adoption. This can be important for adoptive parents to understand that all children are not as excited about adoption as the parents might want them to be. It would be helpful to understand the child’s feelings and try to find out why they are unhappy

Overall 28% respondents said yes to adoption because they felt they had no choice. Even more interesting was the breakdown of choice in adoption by age category. Ages 6 and under reported 75% feeling they had no choice, ages 7-11 had only 25% feeling they had no choice, and with the over age 12 category, 0% felt they had no choice. For adoptive parents, this is important for them to understand the feelings of choice, so they can take more time with children, especially little ones and try to help them understand.

The most important finding of my study was that there was a significant difference in the children’s feelings about adoption before and after coming to America. For all respondents, 56% felt good about adoption before coming to America, while 83% felt good about adoption after coming to America. This was found to be statistically significant at the 95% level of confidence. Before being adopted, children are scared and not understanding about the changes in their lives, but after they have been here for a while, they understand how their lives changed for the better. For adoptive parents, don’t feel too bad in the beginning because everyone will go through these phases, and ultimately things will get better, and the child will feel happier.

Thanks everyone who helped and supported Alex on this project.

I Sweat the Small Stuff

Life has been carrying on here unremarkable except for illness. Poor Amanda got sick and then Alex got sick and then I got sick and then Amanda again, and so on…. We kept trading it back and forth for a while, and just when I thought it was all over - Alex got sick again!

On other news, I was finally diagnosed as hypothyroid and have started medication for it. Hopefully it will kick in soon and give me more energy - I desperately need more energy!

But onto today’s topic. It is all the small things of adopting an older child that have me freaked out today. Alex and I were working on the research paper for his science fair project yesterday (Ok - he was dictating and I was typing) and he noticed that I changed a font size. He asked what I was doing and when I showed him, that was the end of work, he then spent the next hour playing around with different fonts and sizes of letters. While it was a great lesson in word processing, we really needed to get the paper done. But even more than the paper was the volume of things I realized that Alex didn't know. He had never worked with word processing before. These are things that G4 and Amanda have just assimilated as they have grown up with computers, whereas Alex hasn’t. He is not particularly tech savvy, even with things like cell phones. He used to text a little in Ukraine, but only when he had money to put on the phone. Here, where it is unlimited, he gets flustered when too many texts come in.

Also, email has been an issue. He had never sent an email before we started to work on the since fair project. That was another whole lesson on email etiquette. Don’t get me wrong, I am so happy that he is learning these life skills, but I am freaked out by teaching those and then by the way, there also have to other things taught like spelling, math, etc.

I never realized how much my bio kids already knew about the world before Alex came into our lives. When G4 got his driver’s license, we didn’t eve talk to him about roadside assistance (he had been in the car with me enough to know how to call them and how to react) or where the registration was kept, etc. He was just off and driving.

But with Alex, once he got his driver’s license, it was several more days of instruction as I showed where the important documents were, how to call for assistance, where the light was for oil changes etc. I felt bad for him because he just wanted to get in the car and drive but we had to hold him back a little until all this information could be conveyed.

In the end the whole driving thing has worked out. Alex has had his license for a while now (about 1 month) and has been such a help to me. He has been able to take over driving Amanda many days to Tae Kwon Do, and he drives himself to his karate and drum lessons. It has been wonderful for me to have a little more time to myself! He has been so responsible. Every time he drives himself somewhere, he calls me when he arrives. I never asked him to, but he wants to connect and show me how good he is being.

In fact, he was just saying that he felt so grown up the other day and responsible. He said he never thought he would ever feel this way! We have pretty much given him the minivan to drive - with over 110,000 miles on it - we figured it couldn't go to bad if he crunches it - it isn't worth too much anymore. He was so funny though, he had to get in it and clear out all my stuff and move things around to suit his taste.

Anyway, back to my freaking out about all the little things like email, font size, etc. It seems insurmountable to be teaching all of that new on top of everything else. And he wants to go to college? How am I going to get all this in his brain in the next 2-3 years? Or even 4 if I cut myself some slack? Daddy John would accuse me of trying to boil the ocean right now instead of just 1 cup at a time, but it is hard not to freak out. I wish I had a time out button to stop time and allow me some extra time. So any thoughts or advice on this subject would be greatly appreciated.

Not Real Mom Carries On

Heehee - I am getting into this not real mom thing! Ok, not really, but it helps to have a sense of humor about it. Alex has gotten into it also saying, “I feel kinda fake today.” Daddy John called the DOL and talked to the supervisor who agreed our treatment was not appropriate and promised to address our concerns with the staff. I feel a little vindicated but want to still extract more - but no amount of redress can stop the hurt that Alex and I felt about the whole thing. Oh well.

The last week or so Alex has been working hard on his science fair project. I admit that I railroaded him into doing it, but he has gotten into the swing of things and has enjoyed compiling the results of his survey. After I had suggested doing a project, he came up with the idea that he should send a survey out to other internationally adopted children and ask them about whether they wanted to be adopted, how long it took them to make up their minds and whether they like America now. So we have been working on it, and have gotten about 16 responses back. We were hoping for more, about 30, but this is a start. He suggested that he fill out the survey as well. I didn't really want to get into the ethics of participating in a study that you are conducting ( I am just happy he wanted to do the project) so I let him.

I printed it out and was sitting with him at the breakfast table as he was writing the answers. He was asking me how to spell things and then looked really sheepish. I asked him what the problem was, and noticed he was at the question of whether he wanted to be adopted or not. He looked really unsure of himself. I really didn't understand what was going on and kind of pushed him along saying, “Hurry up, fill it out, we have to get to our Algebra lesson next.”

He looked at me and then said in a small voice, “I am answering no to this question because I really didn't want to be adopted.”

I realized quickly what was going on - he was scared to admit that to me. I took a minute to think and I could feel him getting nervous. I think he was worried about what I was going to say.

I just said, “Ok. What about the next one - how long did it take you to make up your mind?”

He answered, “About 2 months and only then because my Grandma said I should.”

“I said, “Ok, well just write that down.”

He did and was still really quiet. He looked too serious and introspective. On the other hand, I was trying not to cry, scream, yell, and beat the table. I was thinking OMG! I have given you everything, loved you more than life itself, rearranged everyone’s lives, spent so much money I cant even think about it and you were UNSURE? REALLY? But then I calmed down and realized the truth of what he was saying. How scary it must have been for him. Maybe a small child being adopted doesn't understand the ramifications, but an older child really does. And I know he did. He realized what he was giving up, his freedom form parental oversight, his family as much as it was, his language, country, and culture - for what - people he didn't know and a nebulous “opportunity” that adults in his life kept telling him about.

I realized that he had made the single most adult decision of his life and shouldn't have felt the weight of it on his shoulders. Right then and there, it felt right to make him feel like a little kid again, and remove some responsibility from his shoulders. I realized that he felt like an adult - he had made the decision and however it turned out was on him!

So I said to him, “You know, the court was nice to ask you about adoption, but I had already decided you were mine.” Alex looked at me with this startled look. I carried on, “I wanted you to feel like you had a say so in the matter, but I knew I wasn't leaving Ukraine without you.”

At this he stuck out his chin and retorted, “What if I had said no?”

I shot back quickly, “Really didn't matter. I would have stayed and stalked you until you gave up and came home with me. Now hurry up and finish.”

At this point G4 came walking into the kitchen and heard what I said. He turned to Alex and said, “Alex, believe her. She is tenacious and always gets what she wants - she might be short but you can’t shake her off. It’s easier to give in to her. She can be really irritating.”

Then Amanda popped in and followed it up with, “Yep. Mom on a mission is all I have to say.”

Everyone laughed and then once we were back alone, Alex was still muttering under his breath about how he could do what he wanted and I couldn't make him do anything he didn't want to, but he was smiling and happy. It was as if a weight had been lifted off his shoulders.

I felt conflicted about what I said - except every word was true - I would not have left without him even if I had had to kidnap him in my suitcase. But I know the traditional advice would have been to say something like, “It must have been a very tough decision. Would you like to talk about it?” or along those lines. Or to acknowledge his Grandma’s part in it.

That just didn't feel right to me as I think it would have forced him to look at it from an adult point of view and I feel like too much of his life has been adult. I wanted him to feel like the decision had been taken out of his hands so looking back on it he might have more thoughts of “I was chosen by this family,” rather than “I had a hard decision to make,” meaning that the good and bad of it was on our shoulders, not his! I want him to feel like a normal kid and not one who had charted his own destiny. That is too heavy a weight to have on one’s shoulders at 14 or even now at 16.

I had moved him from a difficult memory, to one that was fussing about bossy parents and a more normal teenage reaction. Hopefully it was the right thing to do - I guess time will tell.

I find myself in situations all the time where I don’t know what to say. Sometimes I feel like I can say I don't know, but at others, I don’t. I feel like I have to acknowledge it and parent - and that is hard for me. The only thing I hid from Alex was my shock that he didn't want to be adopted by us in the beginning and that it was such a hard decision. I wish I could say that it was a hard decision and took us a while - but it was instantaneous for me - I saw him the first time and that was it - a forgone conclusion. He was MINE. Hard to accept it wasn't reciprocated - I think deep down I knew that - just having it out in the open is a little harder to deal with. I knew I shouldn't follow this line of thinking but I couldn't help myself the next day when we were looking at these survey results again and starting to analyze them. I couldn't help myself from asking, “So when did you decide yes?”

But before he could even answer I had a flash and suddenly I knew. I said, “Wait, wait, I know - it was when you first saw us again at the orphanage.” 

He looked surprised that I had guessed and said,  “Yes, I knew it was you then. I couldn't believe you had come for me. I called my Grandma that day and told her I had decided yes. And you just don’t know how much I love you. I can’t imagine life without you now.” And he took my hand and kissed it. 

Sniff, sniff - I really wasn't fishing for that, but darn glad I caught it! Naughty me for needing reinforcement but I’m only human and it felt so good to get it. Someday I will grow up maybe and be good without it - but for now - the wounds(for lack of a better word - adjustments maybe?) of adoption are real and need assuaging at times.

Pretty good for a not real mom and her not real son.

I just found out that I am not a "real' mom

      Just had to share my experiences today at the DOL in Washington. Alex turned 16 Saturday and today was the first day we could get into the DOL to get him his license. He was so excited and was making plans to drive here there and everywhere by himself! It was so cute to see.

       So, I checked the website, made sure he had met all the requirements and gathered up all the paperwork and off we went. He already had had his permit for 10 months, had completed his drivers ed course, and passed the written and road test. I also never really know what paperwork people want to see, so I took:

1. His American Passport

2. His citizenship papers 

3. Adoption decree with translation

4. Birth certificate with translation

5. His social security card

6. His learner’s permit

7. His state issued id card

8. My drivers license and passport

I think I had more authentication of Alex and our family than all of America combined. There was no way I had left a stone unturned document wise.

Well, we get there, get called up, and hit our first road block. The lady that helped me was very nice but when she asked for his birth certificate and I handed it to her, said that it would not suffice., she couldn’t read it. She said that it would have to be translated by one of their translators - they would not believe the court translation that was attached to the birth certificate. She said that I needed to PROVE that I was his mother. Never mind they had already given him a learners permit last year and a state issued id card - no for a drivers license they needed proof that I was his mom. And they would not believe anyone other than their translators. She scanned in the documents and we were told to sit and wait while she sent it into the “main office”. I was told my options were to either wait, or produce another document that “proved” I was Alex’s mother since I wasn’t the real mom. What this document could be - I am not sure - I cant produce anything other than a birth certificate or passport for my other bio children. I asked her what else I could do but she just brushed me off saying it was the regulations of the department of homeland security. I tried to explain to her that it was homeland security that runs UCIS now and they were the ones with the seal on his citizenship papers. Homeland security was already aware I was Alex’s parent and were ok with that - we had already proved that and they accepted it - but this dinky little DOL wasn't going to believe it?

So we cooled our jets waiting. I also reflected that at no time was the lady concerned with privacy - it was a small DOL office and not very busy and everyone was overhearing what was transpiring. Well, I was getting angry and was about to escalate the whole thing to a supervisor when we go the green light. The “main office” had emailed back that indeed, all paperwork was in order and we had sufficiently proved that Ale was my son, blah blah blah… we just had to wait a few minutes for the paperwork to be processed, pay, and then we would be done.

30 minutes later, we were still waiting, I had even gone up to check on the status when we were finally called up again. I pulled out my check and was ready to pay when the man behind the counter said, we have a few things left to fill out. What phone number can you be reached at? Then he asked Alex, “What is your mother’s maiden name?” Alex looked confused (he doesn't even know what that means) and I spoke up and gave it. Then I guess he needed to verify something on the birth certificate because he looked at it and said, “What’s this - where’s this from?” I shouldn't have said anything at that point as all had been resolved, but I found myself answering, “That is Alex’s birth certificate, he was adopted form Ukraine.” The guy looked at me and said, “Oh, you're not the real mom.” I answered with, “No, I am adoptive mom.” but was about to add that I was still his real mom when I felt Alex tugging at my sleeve. He bent his head down and whispered in my ear, “Please don’t make a fuss or say anything.”

So I shut my mouth. Then the gentleman looked at Alex and asked, “What’s your birth mom’s maiden name?” Alex looked like he had seen a ghost - he went white as a sheet and just stared back - he doesn't know his mom’s name as he was abandoned at birth. I stepped in and quickly shoved the adoption decree with birth mom’s name on it in front of the guy. He made such a big deal out of it saying, “Wow, thats a mouthful - let’s see, G..e…n..n…a…d…” etc as he was typing with the hunt and peck method one letter at a time. Alex looked like he was about to keel over.

Then the guy asked him, “Do you even know where she was born?” Alex did and answered in a whisper, “Mariupol, Ukraine.” Then the guy asked him where was his birth dad from as well. At this point I had and enough, I interrupted with asking how much it was going to be and then the guy looked at me and said, “Oh well, I have to redo the form - the computer system didn’t take it, I guess we will just use your information.” Then he asked Alex, “Do you know where she is from (indicating me) or your current dad?” Alex just shrugged - he was checked out at this point and I answered for him. I told him it was ok he didn't know. Then he wanted to know why I was on the birth certificate if I hadn’t given birth to Alex. I just told him that it had been reissued at the time of adoption. I was ready to cry at this point. All of this was being done in a loud voice and everyone else at the DMV was getting their afternoon’s entertainment from what was going on.

Thankfully the inquisition was done. Alex got his picture taken and we got out of there. We were late for another appointment - had spent 1 and 1/2 hours there and Alex is so upset - he didn’t even want to drive anywhere tonight by himself - after all the plans he had made. My heart aches for him and me. I feel like so much less a person tonight and less of a mother. I wanted to scream and shout at those people, but I know Alex couldn’t have handled it. So, I will document, complain, send emails, and carry on but with a significantly dimmer view of the world than I had this morning. People can be so cruel to one another.

And after all that we had gone through as we were leaving the DOL the gentleman said, “Thanks for being patient. It’s not often that we get people like you in here, you know from somewhere else in these circumstances. It was neat meeting you.” What a great way to make us feel like freaks in a side show circus. And the funny thing was while we were there, we were the only caucasian people in the DOL and I heard at least 2 other languages being spoken by DOL workers. Alex and I were not different or unusual. We were being singled out unfairly because the staff wasn't educated. Welcome to the new America.

Thought Provoking Article

http://m.huffpost.com/us/entry/4373356/

This is a link to an article that I ran across on one of my adoption Facebook groups. It was a very thought provoking article and not all in a good way. In spirit I guess I agree with the article. Birth parents and family are very important to kids. They contributed the genetics, the in utero environment, and some amount of nurturing after birth - in my case 14 years of it. And if the child is truly a victim of a horrible circumstance like a car crash that kills all family and now needs a new home - I guess I could see how honoring the birth family is appropriate and feels good.

However - in most cases, and in our case, the birth family was negligent, abusive, and downright horrible. There was a little good ( and I mean a very little teeny tiny bit) but most of it was bad. Let's take an example as I make my point. We found out that our old exchange student, Alex, or A1, is getting married on August 23rd. He told us he was going to pop the question on New Years eve, and she said yes! We are going to Ukraine for the wedding in August and we are all excited. Daddy John and Alex were talking about a bachelor party and I laughingly said, "As long as he is presentable and sober for the wedding!" Well, Alex, taking this very seriously, said, "Well, I know how to sober up fast. My Grandma taught me. When I would go out drinking all night every once in a while I would go home. Once I had a test at school and when she saw me drunk, made me an espresso.......etc." and then he went on to detail a whole sober up routine. As I am hyperventilating, I managed to gasp out, "How old were you and why would she do that and allow it?" Alex looked at me and said, "I was 11 or 12 and why would she care what I did at night - she would yell at me when I came home but other than that..."

So, now if I read the spirit of the article right - I need to honor this interaction, preserve memories, step back and realize my place as a secondary family as the primary family will always be more important. I shouldn't use the term forever family as that implies the first family was transient.

Well, guess what - I am going to use the term forever family, because I have done something Alex's family didn't do and that was to commit themselves to him forever! I will ALWAYS be there, never letting him get into scenarios like the one above. He might resent the control and the oversight but that's life. We are the family that drove the adoption - not his birth family. We have a right to think of ourselves as the more important family, we have put the time, effort, and money into Alex that his own family did not. I know this might sound selfish, mean, petty, and rude, but this is how I truly feel.

Am I sharing how I feel with Alex? Absolutely not, but neither am I going to sugar coat life for him. When it is appropriate, I have pointed out where his birth family has failed, when there have been good things, few and far between, I have pointed those out too. I do this not to make him feel bad about what his birth family did, or to make him feel like he was left out of what my bio kids got. I do this to help him be more self-aware and understand the forces that molded him and why he has certain challenges. It isn't fair that by the age of 14 he has had to deal with a cigarette addiction and almost a drinking problem. It isn't fair that he is playing catch up with school work and has to work harder to achieve in life. And it isn't fair that he is a fish out of water so to speak in a different country with a different culture and language. He has had to deal with so much more than other kids his age that my heart breaks and aches as I think about it.

However, I think there is a difference between honoring and acknowledging. We acknowledge his birth family but don't honor it. We honor his country, language, and culture though in exchange. We are up front about the fact that he is special as a Ukrainian-American. But our family will always remain first and foremost in his life now and if I can move his birth family to a relegated corner of his mind, I will feel successful. I know I can't erase the first 14 years and to some extent I don't want to, but I need to minimize them and write over them as much as I can. I need to fill Alex's life so full of love and consistency and success that birth family becomes an unreal distant memory and the here and now becomes the reality and the forever after.

I hope you all understand and don't judge me harshly. I am sure I come across here as selfish and horrible, but all that we have dealt with this last year and a half is considered, if I tried to deny the realness of my parenting and efforts or the primary role they play in Alex's life, I don't think I could get up every morning and face the day. I am not a bad person, maybe just too much of a momma bear....