All Good things come to an end!

I have decided that this will be my last post. With the upcoming move next month and everything else going on, I just don't have time like I used to to write. I have also decided to concentrate on my next book (which is half done!) and try to get it finished.

We have been so blessed on this whole journey. I can't believe that the hosting program is starting again this week. To think, a year ago we were worried about whether or not Alex would want to stay with us for a little bit, much less even want to become a part of this family. As I think back on the events of the past year - I realize how far we have come. From the paper work to the trip to Ukraine and then coming back home, it is been incredible. I was looking at Alex last night as he was standing in the kitchen talking to G3 and realized that we are really a true family now. He is integrated - there are problems, there are frustrations, and there are still issues to work on, but as I was watching them, I saw how comfortable everyone was.

For everyone out there reading, I want to just catalogue some of the changes that have occurred to make us a family.
1. Alex now routinely chooses to sit at the dinner table with the rest of the family. He will get his plate of food and plops down at the table without thinking about it. If you remember from earlier posts - this was not always the case.
2. Alex comes out of his room more to interact with the rest of the family and seeks out G3 actively when he is home to talk to.
3. He routinely asks about the plan of the day and is getting used to the things we do.
4. He has stopped asking incessantly if I love him - he might ask every once in a while - but for the most part - it is only every once in a while. I hope this means he is more sure of my love for him.
5. Alex is actively talking about the future - something he never did when he came here. He talks about getting his driver's license some day, getting a job, and life as an adult. I remember when life was only for the moment for him and he even mentioned to me once that he never thought he would get a future. He is actively thinking about the move to Seattle and learning a new place.
6. He is starting to suggest things for the family to do together. A few nights ago, he asked to watch Ice Age with everyone. This is a big step, as he usually preferred to do things with just me in the past. It is still mostly that way, but definitely improving.

We still have things to work on:
1. Lack of interest in school work
2. Still holding himself aloof at times
3. Messiness
4. Reluctance to do some things with the family

However, for the most part, these are things that most teens struggle with. I am happy to say that a lot of these issues are normal teen things and do not feel like we are dealing with adoptive issues per se. I know that there will still be things that come up, but we feel like a family unit. I feel like I have 3 children, all the same, that need to be taken care of.

When I think of all the changes for us and him this past year, I can't help but feel overwhelmed at times. We have spent a lot of time and money completing our family, planning a move, Amanda's black belt and competition, G4's transfer applications, and a long trip to Ukraine. Alex had his first trip to America, got offered a family, had to wait, go to court and renounce all he has ever known, come back to America, and be immersed in an English only environment, and learn how to be in a family. WOW! And we all have come through this stronger, tougher, more resilient, and still with a sense of humor and a lot of love. We are a great family (no bragging here :) and I am proud of all of us and what this year has brought us. We are a complete family now and I am so happy!

A few final notes - these kids that are adopted need so much love. They are like little sponges soaking up everything you give them and then needing more. I was talking to G3 a couple of days ago and I came up with the perfect summation. You can't love them enough, treat them nice enough, think about them enough, give them enough. There is no way that you can make up for what they went through before they came to you - all you can do is try. Alex humbles me in that he still has the capacity for love and affection after everything. I don't know if he will ever let me in totally, but the little he has offered so far feeds my soul. There isn't enough you can do in the understanding and empathy department - but they can sense you are trying, and that seems like enough.

Thank you for sharing this journey with us. Writing this has been very cathartic for me! I appreciate all the support I have received. I would love to keep in touch - please leave a comment and I will email my contact info.

Internal Conflicts

Well, both Alex and I have been on a little emotional roller coaster recently and I don't see a way off. It is really like a real life coaster - thrills and scares, but one that will not stop and let you get off.

Alex is starting to have problems with how comfortable he is getting here, I think. Out of the blue, he said to me in the car the other day, "Good mother, good sister and brother, good father, I happy here." I was so surprised that I almost drove off the road. There was nothing that precipitated it and he sounded sincere. But just that same day, I was talking to him about English lessons and he got so fussy. He started in with the old routine that I hadn't heard in a while, "You not my mother. You no love me. I no want to learn English. If English good, then Russian bad." He would not listen to me that we would keep his Russian good and that he really needed to learn English, only good could come of it. I was really hurt by this - he has been really eager to learn English in the past, but the more I thought about it, the more sense it made. He has really left behind his old life. He is getting comfortable here, but still is not fully integrated yet, and I think feels a little adrift. He feels that by rejecting the new, the old will still be there. But what he doesn't understand, is that the old is fading away and there is nothing he can do about it. He can't hang on to it no matter what. My heart breaks as I consider this - I wish that he could understand that he has his forever home with us - I know that it is coming and this realization is what is triggering these fears, but it is a slow realization. I want to snap my fingers and have it happen right now!

So, for now, to help, I am just laying off English and just loving him. So far, this has been a good fix for everything else that has gone on. But that brings up my conflict. I just love this kid so much that I feel everything so intensely with him. He and I have forged a really strong bond that is both wonderful and draining at the same time. I feel every mood swing, every frustration, and every happiness. It is great that we are so close, but I feel that at times it is too much for me. When I have to say no to him, it is like a knife in my heart, because I feel his pain. He still equates love with things and privileges which makes parenting very difficult. It is hard to say no to any kid, but this makes it soooo hard. I can be more objective with my kids, because I know their past so well. I know when they are really hurt and when they can handle things. With Alex, there is so much unknown, but the feelings are so intense and known. There are times he is hurting that I can feel it like it is my own, yet I don't understand why. This makes it so much more complicated!

There have been a few times when he is mad or trying to get a rise out of me that he will say, "You not my mom." This just cuts to the quick as I realize the truth of this - I am not his mom. On a piece of paper maybe, but I have not earned the right yet and I am not sure even how to do this or if it is even possible. I am trying to love him as best as I can, but nothing can change the fact that I am just another woman in a long string of women that have cared for him, hopefully better than most, but certainly not anything special in his mind. He does care for me, I know that, but whether it is truly as deep as I wish - who knows? Something tells me that we will never be let into his heart all the way, and that is understandable. After all he has been through to even let us close is a miracle.

But there are times when I can forget this. We are at the trampoline place again and he struck up a conversation here with a guy that served a mission in Ukraine. After Alex and this guy talked, he came over and spoke to me a few minutes. He mentioned that they were talking about school and the guy was wondering who was teaching him English. Alex told the guy that it was his mom and when he relayed this to me - he added that there was no hesitation - he said that he believes Alex thinks of me that way! These little moments can feed the soul!

No rest for the weary

This week has been just a crazy whirlwind. I keep thinking that life will slow down at some point, but it never does. I guess I will just have to adjust my expectations.

On Monday, G3 and I had to go out to dinner with some of the people he works with. He has a team of about 55-60 people under him, but his heart really with the financial team. That is where he came from years ago, so he has a soft spot for them. His team has been working really hard and he wanted to reward them. He invited them and their spouses out to dinner and surprised them with their raises at dessert. They were really surprised and excited. Unfortunately, I had to leave Alex to go to dinner. He was not happy for me to leave him. But G4 took him and Amanda out to the new Spiderman movie and he seemed to be happy.

On Tuesday, G3 and I had to go to Park City for a DNC fundraiser. We have donated quite a bit to the Obama campaign this year (yes, we are progressive, liberal, tree-hugging, democrats!). Joe Biden was speaking and we were excited to go. I met the most lovely woman there and hopefully have made a new friend. Also, after Biden spoke, he said he would take some questions from the audience. I raised my hand and was one of the 3 questions he took. Afterwards, there was quite a line to meet him in person and G3 and I were at the end of the line. He had to leave to have dinner with the hosts of the fundraiser, so he started to walk away, but at the last moment, he looked at me and recognized me as one of the question askers and motioned me over. He spent about 10 minutes talking to G3 and myself hugging and kissing me - it was crazy!!! Of course, if anyone is wondering what my question was about - don't think too hard. What is the subject most of interest to me? Why, educational freedom of course! Homeschooling is not just the special interest of the right wing party, and I wanted to make that point.

Anyway, poor Alex was left without me for a second night in a row - he was a little miffed. But by Wednesday, I had a sore throat and cough - arghhhh! I have been so sick these past few months. I am so over being sick. I tried to rest, but Alex wanted to go to the trampoline place, so I dragged myself out with him. At least all I have to do is sit. G3 came to relieve me so I was able to come home (not rest - but to make dinner!) Then after making dinner, I went to put some laundry away in Alex's room and started hyperventilating at the mess. I could not resist it, but had to clean up. That was a 45 minute ordeal. But I found a picture of his dad and him (at about age 3) that was just thrown under some clothes. I found a picture frame and put it on the night table for him. He actually said thank when he came home and saw that I had cleaned up - that is a big step - before he insisted on doing it himself and didn't want me cleaning.

Then about 5 minutes before G3 came home I finally sat down. He walked in and said, "I am glad you had a chance to rest!"  Ack!!! I can't win!

Catching up on Pictures

Here are the 3 stooges in San Francisco, at the Golden Gate Bridge Vista point.

Alex at the kick-off event for Grad weekend for Amanda's On Line High School. They had a blast on the go-karts.

G3 and Alex before the awesome Tesla test drive. G3 earned some cache that day - they drove part of the track at 105 miles per hour! Can't wait until his Tesla is delivered - supposedly sometime in September.

Amanda at Nationals - wielding her Chinese broad sword during the demo team competition. How she did it so sick - I will never know!

Amanda during her weapons routine. We did not know until later, but she really busted up her hand during the board breaking - she does a blindfolded part that went a little awry - she still broke the board but was in a lot of pain during the weapons routine - but still managed 2nd place - only 0.3 points behind 1st place.

Amanda with her weapons coach showing off her silver medal!!! Woohoo Amanda - Way to go!

ALex at the gun range last weekend. I stayed with the kids and G3 took Alex for some manly time. Pure luck caught the muzzle flash as he fired a .357 magnum.

Trying not to be Cynical

Alex hasn't asked to call Ukraine for a while, so two nights ago  I suggested that he call. I don't know if I should have, but I figured I should offer. He called his Grandma, who just spent 30 minutes crying and talking. We have discovered that calling through Skype is the cheapest way to call, so I could hear her. She just monopolized the conversation. He was just placating her and when he got off the phone, he told me that she needed money for medicine and hospital bills. He also told me that she had not had enough money recently to pay for the upkeep on his dad's grave. I wonder how she blew through all the money we gave her when we left Ukraine 2 months ago.

Anyway, he was very reluctant to ask me for money for her, but I could tell he felt obligated to do so. I was so mad, this is a burden that he should not have to bear. I was also mad at her - she really didn't give him a chance to talk about his life here. She didn't give him a chance to tell her if he was ok! So this is where my cynicalness is coming out. I should be more charitable, but it is hard - I think the first priority on all our lives should be Alex!

But, I tried to put aside all these feelings and feel more understanding of her situation. Thank goodness the Morfords are going over to Ukraine. (Thank you Alisa and Marsh!) I rushed around yesterday, withdrawing money, and having Alex write a letter, so that they could hand deliver some money to her. I don't know how we will support her once we do not have anyone going over there. I do not feel comfortable sending cash in the mail and I do not think she has a bank account, but maybe this won't be a problem - I am not going to suggest Alex call her again. If he wants to - fine, but I am not going to push it.

After the conversation about his grandmother ended, he looked so pitiful. I tucked him in bed and tried to say goodnight, but he just clung to me and didn't want to let go. He wanted me to stroke his hair until he fell asleep, so I gladly did. My heart was breaking as I looked down at him. He is such a little boy at heart and just needs so much love - I hope I am up to this task that has been set before me.

A Day in the life of Alex's Stomach

I just had to post on this subject as I know we are not the only family that is amazed at the capacity for food these kids have. And remember, I have a 6'4" 16 year old son that I fed - and Alex is outpacing him at a phenomenal rate!

This was just an ordinary day - I just happened to pick today to keep track of what he ate.

Breakfast - 2 bowls of cereal (newly opened box this morning), banana, juice, large coffee
Snack - 1/2 bag of chips and dip
More snacks - juice and the rest of the box of cereal

Standing at refrigerator complaining there is nothing to eat

Lunch - 3 cups of potato salad, 2 pieces of white bread, 3 pieces of semolina bread, 4 large slices of gouda cheese
Snack - 1/2 bag of grapes, juice
More snacks - 2 sandwiches
More snacks - 2 large cokes (20 ounces each)

More complaining there is nothing to eat

More snacks - 2 pieces semolina bread and 4 large slices gouda cheese, juice
Dinner - Spaghetti with meatballs, mac and cheese, cauliflower, 2 pieces ciabatta bread

And it is now just 10:00pm and if you have been reading my blog, you know that dinner number 2 and 3 are coming in the next few hours.

I need to get a job to pay for this kid's appetite!

8 weeks as a family of 5!

Sorry that I have not blogged in a while, but I have been so busy. I was toying with the idea of stopping the blog, but G4 told me not to. So I guess I will keep it up a while longer.

We got home from Amanda’s nationals tired and recuperating from sickness. We had really been burning the candle at both ends and were feeling the results. I think also that the time we had been spending on traveling and Amanda had taken away from the family as a whole. G3 pointed out to me that we had really become 2 families, one of me and Alex and another of him, me, and the kids, and the two were not meshing together well. 

I realized that he was right. I was so busy walking on eggshells around Alex, making sure that he was happy and then dealing with Amanda and her training, that I was not looking at the big picture of the family as a whole! I was overwhelmed with the details of getting her ready for her competition (like making hair pieces for the demo team) not to mention keeping the house clean for the showings we are having. It is all I can do to get the laundry and the dishes done some days. Also, in between there are dental visits for everyone and Amanda’s medications - yikes! G3 was complaining that he missed having a wife around! I was always busy with something else, and he was getting lost in the shuffle. So, I have been really trying hard to come up with activities that all 5 of us can do together. We went to play racquetball the other day and had a lot of fun. It was a great workout and we all were able to participate. I suggested a comedy club last night that was also a lot of fun. Alex didn’t understand much but he was able to pick up some of the physical comedy and was talking to me about it today.

Then in the midst of all this, we found contraband in Alex’s room! He can’t hide anything worth a damn (excuse me - but it is true) and his messiness caught up with him. G3 hit the roof. We had a big discussion the next day in which G3 revoked almost every privilege that Alex has. Alex was upset, but G3 followed it up with a really nice metaphor for Alex about how much he was loved, and how much we wanted to make him a part of our family forever. He was really sincere and it was great watching Alex’s face light up as he realized that discipline did not mean out of the family. I think he really thought that he was going to be sent home! It broke my heart to realize how tenuous this relationship still is. He has fussed a little at the constraints on him, but not as much as I would have thought.

We are now going to have to focus on packing and moving. G3 and I have to decide when we are going to Seattle for a house hunting trip. As well, we need to get G4 to his orientation and registered for classes in this coming fall semester. At times it seems overwhelming, but I also love moving and cleaning things out. Moving always gives me a chance to have a fresh start.

I have also been trying to cook some of Alex’s favorite foods. I made vareniki (spelling?) a couple of days ago from scratch. It wasn’t as hard as I thought. I made two kinds, potato and cheese, and then cherry. We all loved them, they turned out really good. I think Alex really enjoyed them. Then the next day, I made a Ukrainian salad (kind of like a potato salad) that he also liked. I love cooking, and cooking ethnic foods is always fun.  Being vegetarian sometimes limits recipes, so I have had fun finding Ukrainian foods that I can modify to our herbivore ways! 

I can’t believe that we are at 8 weeks already as a family of 5. It has been great, I can’t imagine life without Alex. His English is coming along despite some of his reluctance to do Rosetta Stone. He has completed this family and I am so grateful that he is with us. I love this little guy so much!

Silver Medalist at Nationals!!!!!

We have some great news today. Amanda won a silver medal in her weapons category yesterday. Now that she is a black belt and older, the level of competition has risen so very much. The categories are wider and she has a lot of people now to compete against. She started the morning with board breaking and placed 5th. She was a little disappointed, but her routine was flawless and well executed. I think that she was just outclassed by the older, more experienced competitors. It really tired her out though, and I was worried about the rest of the day. She is still so weak from the stomach flu and hasn't been able to eat anything for about 4 days now.

Then it was time for weapons. She was competing against the biggest group that she had ever competed against, and boy did she rise to the occasion. She performed her heart out and had a nearly flawless routine with one tiny bauble on her one-handed throw. She did not drop her staff though, but it was right in front of the judges. :( By a mere .3 of a point, she missed out on the gold medal, but we are so proud of her and happy. The gold medalist executed a perfect katana sword routine, that was not very difficult but traditional, and the judges are always swayed toward the traditional in martial arts. Amanda was a little disappointed but given her sickness and the stress, I think this was phenomenal.

After the weapons, it was time for forms. Amanda was really nervous about forms. Her category was huge this year - 54 other competitors. She was really tired at this point and we realized that she had just about given all she had, but this girl keeps on giving. She went out there are made it to the finals! She made it to the final 8 before being eliminated. We were amazed, it was her highest finish ever in a major competition in forms. Her coach was astounded.

We are just all so proud of her and her dedication. Lesser kids would have quit and given up, but she just kept on plugging away this whole tournament. I know all the hours training that this child has put in and it showed. She has worked so hard every step of the way and I am in awe of her accomplishments. All the hours I have sat at studios, watching her, and driving her 45 minutes away to train extra at other studios has all been worth it!

G3 is feeling better, he just spent a whole day in bed the other day, while I took care of the kids and took Amanda to training and the tournament. G4 felt a little bad for a day, but he never really succumbed. Unfortunately, I seem to have gotten the flu now. It started yesterday as I was throwing up before Amanda even started, and just got worse. I just came home after the competition and rested. Amanda wanted to go back to train with her friends that are competing today, so G3 and G4 drove her back in. I stayed at the hotel and Alex stayed with me. He is very protective and watched over me, covering me up with a blanket and sitting with me while I rested.

Today we fly home and get to start worrying about packing and the move. Now that Nationals are over, we need to focus on the next thing, which is moving and getting G4 settled at the University of Washington.

Sickness strikes at the worst time

Sorry I haven't posted in a while but life has been a little hectic. Amanda has been fighting a wicked stomach flu for the past 3 days. It had her so weak yesterday that she could barely move - but she was brave and went forward with the Demo team competition. She is one of the highest ranking members on the team and does sword, nunchucks, bo staff, and a blindfolded board breaking routine that would leave the team a little bereft without her. She gave her all - I am so proud of her. Lesser kids would have thrown in the towel and given up.

Here is a link to the youtube video that we took on a phone - not a great resolution but it is enough to get an idea of the team. They all did such a great job - I am so proud of all of them.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=poon6nNj3lQ

They really pulled together and the 7th place finish is nothing to cry about - the competition was really tough and they tried their best.

Unfortunately, she seems to have passed the bug to G3, who is down and out now too. So I am the glue holding everyone together! Let's hope I don't succumb too. We are back at the competition today to support friends and train. Amanda's big day is tomorrow!

Thank goodness G4 and Alex seem fine. They are being good and supportive - I will update tomorrow.

Things look up

We are all exhausted! We got in at 3:00 am. We spent some time ogling the stars in the Nevada desert at a rest area and it made us late, but we couldn't help it, they were so beautiful away from the city lights. G4 was a trooper and drove the last 2 hours for us - G4 and I are not as young as we used to be and 12 hours of driving gets old!

Today, we ended up by sleeping in a little more than we expected. G4's office sent out a notice that their air conditioning was broken so he decided to work from home. I decided to just leave the dogs at their 'pet resort' since we are just turning around and leaving in 3 days, and Amanda's private lesson at 8 am was canceled. Thank goodness! We felt a little more human after sleeping in to 9:00 am, but are still pretty tired.

Alex has been in a great mood today. He was a little miffed early on because he wanted his friend Sergei to come over. But before we left on the trip , he was punished for being 40 minutes late with Sergei on their last outing. We told him that as punishment, he would have to miss seeing his friend while we were home for these few days. He must have been suffering from convenient memory loss because he acted like he had never been told. He was trying to tell me that he lost track of time and that he could not teleport from one place to another! He actually used the word teleport! I was pretty impressed until I realized that he had probably just picked it up from TV or a movie. Then he tried to tell me that Sergei's mom, Becky, had said yes to them getting together. Smart thing I double checked that one - because that was a whopper of a mistruth. Then he started with the, "You no love me," and I exploded. I know the difference between manipulation and reassurance and this was manipulation. I tried to talk to him but he was playing on the computer so I took it away. Then the phone rang and it was Sergei. I told him that I was waiting to talk so he said goodbye to Sergei. I started to talk and then heard some noise and realized that he had not hung up but had just put the phone down and was waiting for me to finish like I was some kind of nuisance in his life. Well, I flipped out! I started crying and stalked out of the room.

I think I scared Alex because about 5 minutes later, he came and found me in my bedroom, crying as I was unpacking suitcases. Chalk it up to hormones, tiredness, etc. but I was stressed out. He pulled me close, dried my tears, and hugged me tight. He kept saying over and over, "I love you mom. You no cry." I calmed down and said ok, but he stuck to me like glue for about an hour, helping me unpack and put things away (ok more like watching me and messing things up - but he did help a little). Then later, he tapped his head and said, "I smart. You cry, you no love me. You no cry, you love me." I started laughing and said, "That won't work, I cry all the time." and he just answered, "Women!"

I had to take Amanda to TKD for training and when I got home, found the boys all agog at a present G3 had bought for Alex. He had bought him an air pistol or something like that. Maybe BB gun? There was also a paint ball gun too. (I think) I don't know as I abhor all kinds of guns, play or otherwise. But it must be something good as they were all exclaiming over it and he was stroking it like it was a baby or something.

Then he convinced me to go out to the hillside with him and shoot it. I didn't want to, but I got the please, mom, please. So I went out. There is an abandoned building near our house where someone has spray painted an outline of a person on it. He took aim and was so excited to hit the head. Then he insisted that I do it - proud to say I got a perfect head shot. I think it surprised him, he said, "Wow, mom." I told him that just because I didn't approve, didn't mean I wasn't capable! But I made sure that G3 gave him the talk of no aiming or shooting at any animals or property. The guns will disappear if I see that!

Anyway, all in all, I was pleased that he seemed to take the discipline well, and that he didn't get overly upset with me getting upset. He was concerned about me, but he also seemed more secure in his responses this time. We are definitely making progress!

My heart breaks

We have had a great, busy weekend in California. We are currently driving home - the interminable drive across I-80. Since I have time, I decided to use these miles to catch up on the blog.

Alex really liked San Francisco. I’m glad, because we all love the bay area and come here almost with any excuse that we can make. On Friday, I pried the kids out of bed and made it to the kick-off party for graduation weekend. For those of you who don’t know, Amanda takes a few classes at an online high school run by Stanford University. We have had a long-standing relationship with this school, G4 took some classes here several years ago before he left to go to college at 14. But by that time, Amanda was old enough and had gotten accepted. They have great online classes taught by professors at Stanford, but because it is an online school, it is hard to have get-togethers. So the graduation weekend every year is a big deal, as kids from all grades come to see their friends in person. I am also a member of the parent association and was on the graduation committee, so I was involved as well. And finally, this was the group of kids that G4 would have graduated with, if he had continued in high school, so for all of us, this weekend had special meaning.

The kick-off event was at a Malibu Grand Prix, a place with go-karts, video games, and mini-golf. I was working the check-in table so I couldn’t just hang out with the kids, but Alex and Amanda had fun and participated with the others. I was worried that Alex would feel left out, but it all worked out and he had a good time. The only down side was that G4 and I got so sunburned! Amanda was a little pink and of course, golden boy just looked great after a day in the sun!

After leaving the kick-off event, we had only an hour before rushing back to the hotel to get changed for the awards ceremony. Alex was tired and asked to stay behind, so we allowed him to rest. He really wouldn’t have understood much of anything anyway. Amanda was recognized at the ceremony and we were happy and proud of her. She also received a special award for her participation on the school science bowl team. After the ceremony was over, we went back to the hotel to pick up Alex and go out to dinner. He is becoming much more comfortable with going out to eat, we have noticed, and is eating less reluctantly.

On Saturday, I was up bright and early getting ready for a speaking engagement. The Solano county library system had asked me to speak (and it is great publicity for my book), they had ordered quite a few copies to stock in their libraries. G4 volunteered to go with me which I was grateful for. It is always good to be able to show off a successful homeschooling graduate! The talk went well and was well-attended. On the way back to Palo Alto, G4 talked me into going by to visit one of his friends in the model railroad business. He wanted me to see this guy’s layout. I have to say - it was spectacular. This gentleman had converted his entire basement into a floor to ceiling recreation of New York in WW II. It was really amazing.

We made it back to the hotel in time to change and then dash off to the graduation weekend event that I was running - Pixel Olympics! Unfortunately it was on the Stanford campus in the very middle where there was no parking! We had to tote all of the food and drinks and supplies a very long way to the field. However, it turned out great! The Latin club had gotten together and built a trebuchet that they brought where we launched off raw eggs in containers as a physics challenge. There were some rocket launchers that worked off of pressurized air and a bunch of field games that kids, family members, and faculty participated in. Everyone had a great time. Alex was his usual darling self, charming the pants off of everyone. He and G3 threw around a football for a while, and then he hung around me, helping out. It was a great event overall.

We retired back to the hotel where we had two connecting rooms. The kids hosted a board game party in their room for the kids that either were to young or did not want to go to prom, and we hosted the adults in our room with plenty of good California wine! We had a great time visiting with friends and the kids had a great time too. Alex even joined in for a while with the other kids. Several other parents who we had known for a while remarked at how happy he seemed. They also noted how attached he was to me. As usual, every 20-30 minutes or so, he had to poke his head into our room and make eye contact or physically touch me. I think these good observations cursed us however, because soon I noticed that he was getting overwhelmed. Too much fun and activity. He asked me to go down and sit outside by the pool with him. We did that for a while and all of a sudden, he asked to go for a drive. I really didn’t want to - it was midnight at this point, but I felt something building in him and finally said ok. He mentioned that he loved just going for a drive. Our hotel was just on the edge of Stanford, so I drove onto the campus which was dead at that time. He was in a talking mood again.

He told me that I was a good mom to him. He then said his one mom (birth mom) and two mom (step mom) were not good. I really didn’t know what to say. I just reached over and grabbed his hand and said that I was sorry. It didn't seem like enough. He went on to say his one mom left him and his two mom would beat him. He told me that every morning before he went to school, she would beat him. He was tearing up as he recounted when he was 8 and 9 years old asking her why she hit him all the time and her ignoring him. Then he told me that once she hit him so hard, he went to sleep. I assume he meant knocked unconscious. I was horrified but just squeezed his hand and said that I was so sorry. Then he told me that he took up boxing when he was 11 and got big enough so that no one else could ever beat him. My heart was breaking. I am sure I should have said more, but I was so choked up that I couldn’t. By this time we were back at the hotel. When I got out of the car, I just walked around and held him tight. I told him that I loved him and he hugged me back and said, “You good mom.”

This morning however, he seemed surly and in a foul mood. I know part of it is a lack of sleep - we have really been burning the candle at both ends this weekend, but I think part of it was a protective mechanism. I think he was regretting telling me some of these things. He pulled me aside during the morning and told me, “You big people. All big people say they love, but love not real for them. Maybe 1 month, 2 month, but not real.” I guess he was trying to say that adults really don’t mean what they say. I can understand this better in light of what he told me the night before, but I was feeling a little raw myself. I just answered back, “I know how much I love you. I love you a lot and it is forever. I will not leave you or hurt you. I loved you the first time I saw you at the park last year.” He grabbed my arms and looked into my eyes for a long time and finally said, “Maybe you love me.” I just looked back at him but didn’t say anything. He just kept looking at me and then said, “Probably you love me.” I hugged him and just said, “Yes, I love you.”

This interchange seemed to turn him around. I think he was feeling that if he keeps pushing us away, when we eventually leave him like everybody else, he won’t be that hurt. I think the fact that we are not withdrawing from him is confusing. He is gradually starting to realize that we are here forever, but it is baby steps! He was in a much better mood for the rest of the car ride. I rode in back for a while while G3 and G4 were in front. Alex and I joked around and were laughing a lot. He seemed happy and carefree again. At one point he just looked at me and said, "I happy." I wish that I could bottle his enthusiasm for life. I am still constantly amazed at his resiliency and adaptability. I hope we are peeling away the layers of his scars and getting down to the bottom so that we can start healing from the inside out.

         We finished up our trip with a test drive at the Tesla factory of their new model S sedan. G3 has one on order - hopefully he will have his by September or October. I was a good mom and gave the seats in the test drive to the kids. G3 got to drive! It was a great time and everyone really enjoyed it.

As I write this, we are in the Nevada desert with still too many hours to go on our trip. We should get home by 2:00 am and then starts the crazy training schedule for Amanda this week. We all fly out to Dallas Thursday, so that she can compete Friday, Saturday and Sunday at Nationals. We will keep you updated....

San Francisco and a love/hate list

Despite a very late start to the day (primarily because Alex and I didn't want to get out of bed), we got a lot of sightseeing in. I drove Alex down Lombard Street, went to Golden Gate Park, ate massive sundaes at Ghiradelli Soda Fountain, went up in Coit Tower, bought sourdough bread at Boudin's on the wharf, and ate dinner and shopped in Chinatown. It was a really fun day, but the crowning glory was finding a Russian supermarket. Alex was like a little kid running up and down the aisles throwing things in a basket. I suggested he call his friend back in Utah (Sergei) and see if he wanted anything. Well, that resulted in another basket of things!

As we were fighting traffic and driving around, I was thinking of all the things I love about Alex. But I also have to be realistic - there are a lot of things I hate also. Then I realized, they are almost the same things, just in different amounts. So I will do a top 10 love/hate list. This should cover the basics!

10. Smarts - Alex is smart. He is bright and quick, but he hates school work and hates schedules. The schedule part I am good with, but the lack of schoolwork has to change.

9. Athletic - I am proud of how active and strong Alex is. Everyday he wants to show me his muscles so that I can proclaim how much bigger they are. He is always biking, jogging, jumping on a trampoline, jump roping, or at kickboxing. However, the flip side is that he often needs someone to do these activities with him or drive him and sit and watch. This gets tiring (really fast). He was even suggesting to me that once we get home from vacation, that I should work out with him. I just said no, but I didn't have the heart to tell him that the only place I like to run is back and forth to the fridge!

8. Music - He really loves his music. I like this and have really enjoyed exploring new genres and introducing him to our music. Our tastes are pretty eclectic, he even liked some of the African music we listen to. But, even though I like music, when it is so loud that my ears are ringing after getting out of the car? I mean, really?

7. Immaturity - I know that Alex had to grow up too quick, but there is a huge streak of immaturity there. It is almost like he stopped developing when he went into the orphanage. It makes for a fun little kid at times. I like that, because when you adopt an older child, you miss a lot. This gives me the chance to catch up and put my stamp on some parts of his growing up. But, the other side of this is well, immaturity. Sometimes, you don't have time to deal with it and it gets annoying.

6. Maturity - I know this sounds ridiculous coming on the heels of the immaturity, but there it is. These kids are an interesting mix! Alex is so mature sometimes. I can rely on him in certain circumstances because I know he will come through for me. But the other side of this is sadness that he is too mature and had to grow up too quickly. I realize that there is no going back on some things and I regret that I missed a chance to parent through them.

5. Hygiene - I love the fact that Alex is a clean person. We haven't had to deal with any major hygiene issues, thank goodness. However, he has to shower morning, night, and sometimes in between. And the money we spend on Axe body spray! He reeks of it every time he goes out. We are going to need to take out a loan to pay for the body care products!

4. Good-looking - Alex is a doll and he knows it. I can't believe though how irritating it can be at times. We were walking along the street after dinner tonight in Chinatown, when a car pulls up across the street. It was a red Corvette and had two pretty young blond girls in it. I was immediately on high alert. I noticed Alex perk up and look over, when to my surprise the driver winks at him. He winks back and then the passenger leans over and waves at him. He noticed me watching and just blushed and walked on without responding. I have a HUGE problem in my hands here! Sometimes I wish he wasn't so cute - can't wait to get those braces on!

3. Not being a morning person - I considered this for number 1, but even though I love sleeping, I will have to admit, there are things more important. But not many! I love the fact that Alex likes to sleep in as much as I do, but then when it goes into the late afternoon? Needing a crowbar to pry him out of bed at 2:00 in the afternoon is excessive! We will have to work on somewhat of a loose schedule at some point - like maybe up by 11:00 am.

2. His sense of humor - Alex is the most fun person to be around I have ever met. He is happy go lucky and always up for a joke. Now that I know more Russian, I am picking up on all kinds of little jokes that he makes. He really is funny and once he knows more English, I know that he will fit in our family (with our heavy sarcasm) just fine. However, the flip side is the joking sometimes never ends. He doesn't know when enough is enough and has trouble settling down when it is needed.

1. Love - I can't say enough how I treasure his love. At least 50 times a day I hear the words, "I love you Mom." I feel so honored to be the recipient of his affection. I know that he does not give it lightly and I know that he really does love me. I am so thankful that he has the capacity for love and affection and that his scars do not run deep enough to have affected this. However, the flip side is the how much he needs in return! At least 100 times a day he needs affirmation of my love for him. I know that he has not had much affirmation in the past and craves it. And I know that he needs the constancy of a family, but there are times when I need a break. The emotional burden is hard to bear and there are times when I feel like I bear it for both of us.

Funny how the best things about a person can also be the worst! But I am happy to be getting to know Alex so well! Everyday he seems more and more like a true member of our family!

A very long drive

We left Utah yesterday and drove to San Francisco. It was a really long drive - about 12 hours. Thank goodness G4 drives now, so I was able to share the misery. G3 of course, had to get here quickly for a conference, so he got to fly first class!

The kids were pretty well behaved, watching videos and listening to music the whole way. I also smartly put pillows in the car, so that when tiredness overcame people, they could sleep. Alex slept the first 4 hours!

Today we are going to sightsee in San Francisco. I want to show him Lombard Street, Chinatown, the Golden Gate bridge, and the Embarcadero. G4 wants to visit a rare book shop and I thought we might squeeze in Coit tower as well. We will wrap up the day with our favorite restaurant in the whole city - Lucky Creation Vegetarian Restaurant right off of Ross Alley and Washington Street in Chinatown!

Epic Parenting Fail

I am posting again today as the events of the past few days are enough for their own post, and I didn't want the paperwork post to get lost in the comings and goings.

On Thursday, G3 worked from home so that he could go and apply for Alex's American passport with me. They require both parents to be present and they are only open from 10-4pm. Not the most friendly of offices! Then it was off the the dentist office for both Alex and myself. I had to get a filling redone and he needed his root canal. I went first and then it was hist turn. He was surprisingly calm about it. The dentist allowed him to put his earphones in and listen to his music, so that helped out. They worked on him for 2 and 1/2 hours! Ouch! But he was calm throughout. The office was small, so I had to knell on the tile floor next to the dental chair to hold his hand. He squeezed my hand a few times, but overall, did really well. The bad news is that they were not able to finish the root canal and he will have to go back on Tuesday for the rest of the work! He was a little bummed about that, but lightened up after he asked for donuts and I took him by Krispy Kreme. Boy that kids can eat! Two dozen donuts and they were mostly gone the next day! I cooked him some homemade mashed potatoes and a veggie sautee thinking it would be easy to chew and he scarfed down every bite of that too. On Thursday night, G3 took G4 kayaking at Deer Creek Reservoir - taking advantage of how light it stays out late. I kept Alex at home, even though he wasn't complaining about his tooth, I knew that he would most likely be hurting.

On Friday, he was back to normal. The housecleaners were coming and it was a frantic rush to clean up the house so that they could clean. I think Alex believes we are crazy to clean before they come to clean, but I haven't had time to explain that if there is clutter around, they just clean around it. In order to get a good deep clean, I need everything to be put away.

We went out grocery shopping with everyone and two carts later, was stunned by how much food we go through. I forgot what it was like to have a teenage boy that is growing in the house. G4 is out of the eat everything in site stage - thank goodness, but Alex is still in it. We went out to see Mirror, Mirror at the movie theatre that night. The boys thought it was stupid, but Amanda and I liked it.

When we came home, Alex needed dinner number 2 as usual, so I sat outside with him while he ate it. I was so tired and wanted to go to bed, but he begged me to stay. So I ended up by falling asleep on one of the chaise lounges. He went and got my computer and started playing a game. I woke up about 30 minutes later with a stiff neck and decided, enough was enough - I was going to bed. Now here is the EPIC FAIL part of the story. I said goodnight and went in the house, carefully and unintentionally locking the door behind me! I can't believe I locked my child out of the house! I went to bed and slept like the dead, while Alex was trying to call me all night to get in. He could have knocked on the bedroom window or called G3, but he didn't. Finally at 5:52 in the morning, G3's phone rang. Alex told us what happened and I ran to let him in. Poor kid was half frozen. I felt SOOOOO bad. Alex correctly called me a LOSER and what could I say other then, "Yes, yes I am!" He then announced he was going to bed.

He slept until about 2:00pm and when he woke up, continued to call me a loser. When Sergei called and invited him over, G3 was concerned about driving him all the way to Draper (about 45 minutes away). I answered that we owed it to him for leaving him out all night! So we loaded up the kayaks and all of us and dropped Alex off with his friend and went kayaking. It was a lovely night to kayak. After it was too dark - we had a picnic lunch and watched the sun go down. Absolutely breathtaking.

This morning (Father's Day) we were all going to go hang gliding, but as usual the kids wimped out. 5:30 am was just too early! So, I took G3 and had fun taking pictures. He did amazingly well for his first time and I think has been bitten by the bug! He was able to take several solo flights - the longest of about 150-200 feet about 15 feet off the ground! The kids all slept late, but took care of the animals and got mail, etc. while we were gone.

We are planning a cookout tonight - I am marinating a steak for Alex, my final peace offereing for making him stay outside all night! We will rotisserie a pineapple, grill corn and have veggie burgers for the veg heads in the family.

Hope everyone has a Happy Father's Day!

Final Paperwork

I wanted to post a little about the final paperwork that we had to do, since we chose to do it a little backwards from what we thought we had to do. When we did the paperwork at the US Embassy, there was a check box to apply for a social security card. We checked it but the nice man who was helping us recommended that we also go to our local SS office and apply again. About a week after we got back, I took Alex to the local SS office and applied for a number. They asked to see the court decree and birth certificates (both in original format), his immigration visa in his Ukrainian passport and my passport. It was a relatively easy process and they gave all the documents back to me after verifying them. The SS card arrived about 3 weeks later.

I had waited to do the Ukrainian paperwork for the embassy until I had the SS card and an American Passport applied for. I was worried that they wanted me to send in the original Ukrainian passport with the registration form and I was worried if it got lost, that I would have no way of proving that he was an  American citizen. So I did the application for the American passport. They wanted to see the Ukrainian passport and send it in with the application but I explained that it had to go to the Ukrainian embassy, so they just made a copy of it and the immigration stamp and gave me back the original. They also wanted the original court decree and the original birth certificate with our names on it, so I reluctantly surrendered it. I better got those back!

Then I sent in the registration paperwork with Alex's original Ukrainian passport to the Ukrainian consulate. I am really unhappy about giving away all these documents, but I have to have faith that they will come back to me.

I think in reality, most people register the Ukrainian paperwork first, but I wanted to get the American passport started first. I am somewhat confused as to what would happen if someone questioned our parental rights of Alex now. I do not have anything except copies of the documents and the SS card, but hopefully this will be rectified when we receive his American passport.iiii

If anyone has any info on this to share, please do. It seems somewhat of a muddy area - since we did not get anything from immigration except a stamp on his Ukrainian passport.

Videos of Trampoline Fun

Alex having fun. Amanda got a great video of him.

Sergei on the trampoline. Thanks to Amanda again.

Mom is out of reserves!

We are BACK at the trampoline place again. It seems like that is the only place I can get work done. Thank goodness for free wifi. We have had a couple of great days. I think ever since Alex verbalized his worries and frustrations, he has felt better. He has been in a great mood and is back to his old self. It was good for him to be able to express himself warts and all and realize that G3 and I were not going to back down or withdraw. We love him no matter what and are willing to listen to him.

However, while he is feeling better, I am starting to feel a little run down. It is getting hard balancing everyone's needs. Alex is taking a lot of my time. In fact, last night, he was downstairs playing a video game long after everyone else had gone to sleep. I went down to say goodnight and he asked me to stay with him. He wanted me to sit next to him. I told him I would for a little while. I pulled Amanda's bean bag up next to the one he was sitting in and sat down. He kept saying over and over, "Do you love me?" I kept saying, "Yes of course I do." But it just wasn't enough. I reached over and started stroking his hair and he quieted down a bit. Then I started falling asleep and the next thing I know, he had brought over some blankets and put them over me. I stirred a little and he said, "Shhh, you stay here with me." I stayed for a while but I really, really wanted to go to bed. I finally said, "I am going to bed." He fussed and tried to hold my hand to stop me from going, but I just didn't want to stay. I felt guilty, on other days, I would have stayed and given him the emotional support that he needed, but I just didn't have it in me yesterday. He finally kissed me good night and went back to his video game.

This morning, Amanda had a hissy fit at her studio. She is under so much stress with Nationals coming up. All of her medical problems are flaring up to, we were at the allergist's office Monday morning for 3 hours while she received an infusion of a new, experimental medicine to help control her cholinergic urticaria and asthma. Let's hope it ultimately works - but we won't know for at least 2 weeks. In the meantime, she is still on her cocktail of 9 different meds that is only partially effective. So my resistance is at an all time low! Then I got set off again this afternoon by Alex inviting a friend over. I yelled at him that he needs to check with me first and make sure the house is clean - he just looked at me like I had grown 3 heads. He pacified me with a kiss and showing me how much English he had done on Rosetta Stone. I then went to make cookies and felt marginally better - baking is very cathartic for me!

I think that the late nights with Alex and the early mornings with Amanda are wearing me down. I think that I need to take a mental health day. Also, all the emotional support that Alex needs can get tiring. I love providing it and am so happy that he lets me - but it does take a lot out of you. There are still all the attendant responsibilities of home and other kids, and then add this on top. But he is still such a delight. He makes me laugh so much. He has a great sense of humor and loves to joke around. He is very active and makes me move constantly. He is so loving and always watches out for me. I hurt my finger yesterday and he rushed to get ice and held my hand for a long time and hugged me. He is very giving of his love, always a gift that I love to receive.

I need to go now - boys being boys - Alex and Sergei are needing me to take videos of them doing flips.....

The Dam Breaks

Alex is feeling better (physically that is) - thank goodness he seems to have a strong constitution. However, in the aftermath of the sickness, he was left feeling a little down and out. It came out of the blue. One night, he was in a great mood - joking and playing around. He and I tickled, wrestled, and talked for about an hour and then I suggested we call Mariupol. He couldn't get through to anyone, so he suggested we call A1. We had a great talk and then I suggested he call his Grandma. Famous last words.... He had a long talk with her and seemed ok, but by the next morning was sullen and fussy. By the afternoon, he was working out on his kickboxing target ferociously, a sure sign that something is wrong.

Finally, I decided to confront him. I cornered him in his room and asked what was wrong. OMG, the dam burst forth. He asked in a very confrontational tone of voice, "Why me? Why money, documents, Ukraine, why me?" When I told him it was because we loved him, he looked at me and sneered, "You talk, everyday you talk. I love you, I love you, but is not real. Just talk. All women talk." I was stunned. It was so vituperative and mean-spirited, very unlike his normal demeanor. Before I shot back what was on the tip of my tongue, I thought for a minute and realized just how much this kid was hurting inside. I realized that he really did not understand the reasons why we wanted him. He had no concept of a love that was so deep that we wanted him to be a part of our family. All the love in his life hadn't gone so well. He had lost everybody even though I am sure they told him they loved him at one point or another.

So, I just looked at him and told him that I loved him deeply whether he believed it or not. I also decided that this was the time to confront him so I said, "You could have said no." He looked at me and said, "I know." I also told him that I didn't like to see him unhappy, but that he was part of a forever family now and was going to have to learn how to be a part of it. I could tell that his emotions were running higher than I had seen before, so that gave me the strength to be not as emotional. We talked for a little more, but by then I could see that he was not in any mood to listen to more. I left him and continued about my business.

Thank goodness, I picked the right attitude because about 1 hour later, he came and searched me out and told me, "I happy mom, every day, I happy." He then asked me if I loved him and when I said yes, of course, he went off singing, My mom loves me over and over. I think he felt if he verbalized these doubts that I wouldn't love him anymore. Hopefully, he will learn someday that I love him no matter what he says or does!

He had a great day after that - I think it reassured him that we were still there after all the drama of the morning. We went over to Becky and Kevin's house and visited with their family. It was a great time and we really enjoyed the day. Alex wanted a sleepover but was pretty amiable when Becky and I said no. He was disappointed but got over it in 5 minutes and slept all the way home.

Today he has had a great day so far. We are at the trampoline park again waiting for some friends to jump with. He loves jumping. I am starting to crack down a little on the dishes that seem to migrate to his room. I wouldn't leave the house today with him until he cleaned out all the dishes! I told him that we were not running a restaurant in his bedroom! Next I need to start working on schoolwork!

Sickness Hits!

Poor Alex was sick yesterday. I knew something was up when he got up and then went back to bed. He spent most of the morning in bed, as I shuffled the others back and forth to other activities. Finally at about 2:00, I went downstairs to see what was going on. He was burning up with fever and was just looking pitiful. I felt so bad it took me so long to catch on, but there is the lack of communication for you. I bet he was starting to feel poorly earlier but realized that I wouldn't understand.

Anyway, once I realized how sick he was, I immediately swung into action with fixing the fever, hydrating him, and keeping him busy with movies on the computer. I was so worried because Amanda had a graduation ceremony that night to get her engraved black belt and we were all going to it. I knew that she would be upset if we all didn't come, but I didn't want to leave Alex alone either. So I decided to do what I usually do when the kids get sick - go to mommy's bed and get fluffed and puffed and comfortable with everything needed at hand's reach. This led to another disagreement but it was only half-hearted. I took him by the hand and led him upstairs to my bed and fluffed the pillows and pushed him in. He kept saying, "No mom, my bed. In Ukraine, no in mom's bed." I said, "Tough - in America, get in mom's bed. Amanda does it, G4 does it, and now you do it!" He finally smiled and let me fuss over him. I felt really bad but by this time the Motrin had started to work to break the fever. I left him a ton of food, drinks, iPads, telephone, and computer all within easy reach.

I left feeling bad, but I kept in touch with him by texting every 30 minutes or so. The ceremony was really great and I even shed a tear when tying on Amanda's black belt. She has worked so hard over the past 5 years and faced so much adversity with all her medical problems, I am so proud of her accomplishments.

By the time we got home, Alex was feeling better and was more active - moving out of my bed to play video games. Poor Amanda was exhausted and went to bed really early. Alex was hungry (sure sign of recovery) and we ended up outside again while he ate. G3 and G4 came out bringing out the good binoculars and we spent about an hour stargazing. We even found the ISS streaking across the sky. It was a beautiful night, just the right temperature, without any clouds.

Alex was in a cuddly mood and just snuggled up against me as we looked up at the stars. He just kept saying over and over how he loved me - it was really sweet. I think he was so surprised that I wanted to take care of him when he wasn't feeling well. I don't know for sure - but I get the idea that he expected me to pretty much leave him alone! He obviously has not had much mothering in the past - but he will get used to my smothering ways :)

Alex is just such a great kid. I caught G4 talking to someone yesterday about having Alex in the family and he summed it up perfectly saying, "It's like he has always been there. He just slipped into our family and our hearts without us really even knowing. He has been a great addition."

Our first fight

Alex and I had our first fight 2 nights ago. I think it scared both of us down to our toes. It was so stupid - a combination of tiredness, hunger, and misunderstanding, but I had to walk away from him as I counted to 10. It was about dinner of all things. I think he was really worried, as I have never walked away from him before. Later in the evening, I was in the laundry room, folding laundry, when he came in and put his head on my shoulder. He nuzzled up against my neck and I turned around and hugged him. He said, "Is ok mom" and I sighed a huge sigh of relief. It was SCARY - I think we both worried that this was it - but when we got over our snit and calmed down and realized that everything was ok, and we still loved each other - it was a really special moment. I think Alex is really starting to realize that he can't get rid of me - no matter what!

We have had a busy couple of days - TKd for Amanda, kickboxing for Alex, and great news for G4 - he was accepted at USC. We had decided on Seattle at the University of Washington, but now he is wobbling towards USC. I would LOVE to go back to Los Angeles! But it is what G4 needs more than what I want.

This morning it was dental visits for the 2 boys. We needed crowbars to pry them out of bed to get to the office by 9:00. I have learned now that all appointments need to be made after 1:00 in the afternoon. But after several hours there - I needed to be resuscitated after finding out all that is wrong. Alex has 9 cavities and needs one root canal and a crown. This is on top of the 4 wisdom teeth that need to be removed and braces. The dental bill just for the cavities and the crown will be around $2500. After the $1500 for the wisdom teeth and the $3000 for braces - we will be living in a cardboard box!

I know I have said it a million times, but I am so gratified to have Alex in our family. He makes me laugh (we had a big tickle fight this afternoon). He is so funny and playful, and yet helpful and considerate. He always wants to protect me and gets jealous when I am busy with the other kids (not really jealous - but he always reminds me with an,"I love you", that he is still there! He is a GREAT kid!

Setting a few boundaries

We finally decided yesterday that despite all of Alex's protestations that he did not need translating help, that there were some things that just needed to be communicated and couldn't wait for him to learn English. One of these issues revolves around his teeth and the other is our upcoming move.

So, we invited a neighbor over last night who speaks Russian and she graciously translated for us. There is going to be major dental work going on, starting with all 4 wisdom teeth. The top ones are growing near his sinuses and the bottom ones are starting to get near the nerve - so these need to go in the next few weeks. Then there is a tooth which its viability is in question, that might need to go and be replaced with an implant - and then of course there are braces. But I didn't want him to be scared about all of this and to understand that we would not let him be in pain. So I think it was good that he understood. I really think he knew most of this anyway from talking to me - but with the help of a native Russian speaker - I think he will be more confident about what is going on.

We then moved on to our move. While he is still resistant to the idea, he did say it would be fun to move around and experience new places. He is so resilient and amicable - I am amazed at times. I think understanding things a little better, gave him the ability to deal with the move better. He was smiling through the whole conversation and was joking around. I think he is in a good place regarding the move. We told him he could personalize his room when we move and he was excited about that. He wants to paint graffiti on the walls and ceiling. We said ok as long as we can ok the design first.

There was a little kerfuffle about an earring. He wants his to get an earring (and I think he would look darling with one) but G3 has appropriately said this is something that needs to be earned over time. He has tentatively said 16th birthday. G3 also pointed out that with an earring we would be having even more trouble with girls chasing him than we already have! Alex was a little put out, but I think understood that we meant it. We also had to communicate that there was some music that he listened to that was inappropriate. There have been 2 songs that we have nixed out of all the rap music he listens to.  He made some snide comment that it was because we were old!!!! We fussed at him about that one - but were able to get the point across that when racial slurs come into songs - that is where we draw the line. I am even getting into rap and starting to enjoy it! We made sure to tell him that he was lucky to have us as parents - as a lot of parents would not tolerate any of the music he likes.

It was a great talk - I felt like he is starting to push back against some of our controls and I am glad to see it. We are pretty permissive overall, but when we have limits, they are in stone. But seeing him push against them shows me that he is confident in our love for him. He is starting to realize that we are there always and he does not need to treat us special for fear of losing us. I love how comfortable he is with us now. I know this is a long process that will take years, but so far - I can feel it starting and it is so rewarding to feel.

Right now we are in kickboxing class and I am watching him die from exhaustion! Amanda is at her TKD studio again and then we are going over to a friend's house to let Alex visit and relax. More later...

The Good (Science Experiments) and the Bad (my cell phone)

We have been so busy over the past weekend and my cell phone has been acting up, making for some tiring times. My cell phone has decided that it does not like for me to have a complete conversation. It will drop calls at random times (usually at a crucial point in the conversation) or randomly not vibrate or ring with calls or texts. This happens in direct relationship to the importance of the call or text that I am expecting. And then every once in a while just to mix it up, it will lock up! Argh! So I apologize to those trying to get through to me - I am not doing this on purpose - it is my phone - really.

On Saturday, Amanda was in the studio for 5 hours, and in between, we took all the kids to a new trampoline park that opened up. They had a lot of fun, but got really tired out. Then it was rush, rush, rush to get to the airport to welcome another family bringing their kids home from Ukraine. Alex knows the boys and was excited to be able to meet them.

After getting home finally that night, Amanda and G4 crashed, so Alex, G3, and I ended up outside again for another "talk." This was the first time for G3 to be involved in these talks and I think he realizes now why I love these times so much. Alex's English is getting so much better. He is very comfortable speaking to us, but was explaining that it is harder to speak to others he doesn't know as well. He had visited a family earlier that day that he had met on his previous visit to America and just clammed up. He was not able to communicate as well as he can with us, but we reassured him that it would come in time.

Alex talked for two hours straight. He was just full of info that he wanted to share. We heard about trips that he had taken to Kiev with friends, to St. Petersburg with his dad, and others. We heard about his time on the streets and run-ins with police. He opened up about his struggles with smoking and why he stopped. He talked about friends that he had and their struggles with drug use. It was great to see how open and honest he is with us. We just listened and commented appropriately - not really reacting or judging. I felt so honored that he would share this information with us. I know that it takes a lot of strength to share these memories, and I am so happy that he felt he could share them with us.

He seems very comfortable with us now and is definitely hanging out with us more each day. When he first got here, he would just interact with the family when he had to, and spent most of his time with me. Now, he still spends a lot of time with me, but hangs around more. Yesterday in fact, he just hung out in the living room for a while playing with his dog while G3 and G4 were talking. He helped me cook dinner last night and hung out in the kitchen for a while as well.

Schoolwork was kind of forgotten this weekend, so yesterday, I decided we needed a little science to liven up our life! The kids and I went out and got a bunch of different kinds of sodas and mentos. I hope everyone has done this - it is so much fun. We have a special geyser tube that fits on 2 liter bottles to make it even more spectacular. We must have set off 10 bottles! It was so much fun - Alex had never seen anything like it and enjoyed participating. Unfortunately some of the scientific explanations were lacking through google translate - but it was still fun.

I need to keep doing more things like this as he and I work on English together. He is not big on formal work, so if I can keep him engaged with fun things, I will teach that way. He definitely seems to like my unschooling style. And even last night as he and I were sitting outside while he ate dinner number 2 at 11:30 at night, he mentioned that it was back to the books today! So he is gradually learning our ways!

I am surprised how great he is doing and how resilient he is. He is still worried about moving and last night was talking about it again. He is having a hard time understanding why we would want to move and is going to miss Utah - but I keep trying to reassure him that it will be ok. I don't think we will have problems once we get moved, but until then, it will be difficult. I hope he trusts us enough now to take care of him. I keep reinforcing the concept with him that we are a forever family and that he is stuck with us as well. I don't want him thinking that there is a choice here! He is ours and we would be devastated without him. Very quickly, he has wormed his way into our hearts and become an integral part of us. G4, Amanda, and I were talking yesterday about how great it has been to have him here. They are getting closer to him day by day as he is to them. In fact, they are really treating each other like siblings now - complaining about each other! G4 was complaining about the music Alex listens to while he was complaining about G4's trains. They were laughing and joking with each other. Amanda was joking around with him as well - as they were each trying to proclaim they were the strongest. Poor Alex just doesn't stand a chance yet until he grows more! The kids agree with me that he has completed this family in a very special way!

Today it is to the oral surgeon to look into getting the wisdom teeth removed and then all afternoon in the studio for Amanda as she prepares for Nationals again this summer. Updates later......

Things calm down

Well, Alex seems more resigned to moving now. He has even been joking a little about it and using it to get his way with things. I know he is manipulating me a little, but I am just content to let it happen. I have to get through to him that I have unconditional love for him and no matter what happens, he is my baby forever!

We got passes to 7 Peaks water park and spent a good portion of the afternoon there yesterday. It was fun just kicking back and sun bathing and visiting with friends.

He seemed a little quiet this morning, but was back to his normal self after a furious session working out and kicking and punching the wavemaster! He really seems to need a physical outlet for his emotions. Once he works out the aggression, then he is back to his old self. I knew he was going through something this morning, but I couldn't put my finger on exactly what it was. It is so weird being connected to someone so deeply that you know their every emotion, but you can't tell why because of the language barrier. Alex is also very resistant to getting in help translating, preferring to either work it out himself or try to communicate with me directly.

We are back to our old issues of trying to integrate Alex into the family as quickly as possible, but it seems very hard to do. He is very used to doing things on his own, and coupled with the busy lives that everyone else in the household are living, makes for a lot of solitary time. He also needs time away from us, just bike riding or running, where he can get away and not feel the smothering presence of all of us. Unfortunately, that leaves the rest of us, when we can get together (like at the dining room table for dinner) feeling bereft without his presence.

I feel in a way like I have two families right now. One made up of myself, G3, G4, and Amanda, and the other myself and Alex. I am the only bridge between the two and it can be draining at times. I want us all to feel like one cohesive unit but until the language barriers, culture shock, and other things settle down, I don't see it happening. This isn't necessarily a bad thing though. I think the time that Alex takes alone, is good for the rest of us to keep connected and in touch with each other. I have very ambivalent feelings about this. On one hand, I want us all to be together, but on the other, I don't want to change the way things were and potentially have the rest of the family feel slighted with the attention Alex is taking away from them.

Right now though, the time he takes is not really cutting into anyone else's time, but my own. I am flitting back and forth between people, making sure everyone's needs are met. I know that I am just being impatient and that integration will occur with time, but it sure is hard to wait it out.

I was talking to Becky the other day and she gave me a flash of insight. She rightly pointed out that Alex probably needs a physically demonstrative sign of integration into the family. So, I went out today and bought another little boy sticker to add to the family stickers on the back of my car. G3 had pointed out that we needed to do this, but I just have been too busy. So, we will have a big ceremony tonight to put it on the back of the car. I hope that by starting to do more things like this, we will help Alex realize what he means to us and what it means to be in a family.

The other thing I need to work on is building bridges with G4 and Amanda. They are both so driven and on a master plan for their lives, that they have very little time of tolerance of others. Amanda and Alex are closer, since she spent time in Ukraine, but still are not as close as I would like to see. I have to come up with ideas of things they can do together that can help them bond closer. So please, send me your ideas.

Otherwise, things still are going well overall. We have had very few problems in the grand scheme of problems and Alex and I have such good open communication and understanding of each other that I feel really stable and good about the way things are progressing. He barked something at me this morning (he demanded breakfast) and when I brought it down, I just gave him the plate and walked off - which is highly unusual. Usually I would sit with him while he ate and make sure he was ok and touch him on his shoulder or kiss him. Instead of saying anything about the imperious tone he took with me, I opted to give him what he had demanded just to let him know that he would be taken care of no matter what. However, I didn't follow it up with the usual niceties, subtly saying to him - you no give, you no get! He knew something was up and called as I walked away, "Mom, MOM!" I turned around and before I could say anything, he launched himself into my arms and kissed me saying, "Thank you, I love you." He knew I wasn't happy about how he had acted, and was offering up his form of apology. He knows me as well as I know him, and that is helping where communication is lacking!

Hope everyone is enjoying their summer fun!

Finally - much belated - pictures

Here are some pictures that I have finally uploaded to my computer from the camera. The first was taken about two weeks ago when G3 took G4 and Alex paintballing.

Here are some pictures of our trip to Grand Teton National Park this past weekend.
Here we are with the obligatory photo in front of the sign!

Here is Alex on his way to whitewater rafting! A little nervous! But he ended up by having a great time!

The weather was a little stinky - I swear those are the Tetons behind us.

Finally a clear day! On our last day of course.

Talk about Ruining a Good Thing

Officially, I feel like the world's worst mother. We had such a great vacation with great experiences, and then we go and ruin it. We had to break the news to Alex last night that we might be moving sooner than we expected. We were hoping to wait it out until September or so, but it looks like we will need to go sooner than that to get established before G4 starts his semester. We have decided - it looks official - Seattle! I am excited - I am always up for someplace new, but apparently Alex is not.

And of course, why should he be? He has already gone through so much change and now we are trying to take away the only consistent things in his life right now. We told him that we loved him and that he could come visit his friends as often as he wants, but that was not cutting it. He was as sad as I have ever seen him last night - it broke my heart watching him. I just wanted to cuddle him and tell him it would be ok - that he had to trust me. But I know that nothing got through. He put up a wall and it was impenetrable. I just held him tight and tried to telepathically message my love.

Today was a little better. He told me this morning that he was not happy but he would try to be. He humbled me all over again. I know that I would not have had that in me at 14 years of age. He has been a little mercurial today with his mood up and down. He was happy to be home but then got mopey again. He actually walked out on me during one conversation and then 10 minutes later turned around and launched himself into my arms saying I love you. Then a half hour later it was, "I no go. Utah my home." I told him, "No, you are my baby and I am never leaving you. I am your mom forever." To which he then smiled and said, "No, you my baby. I love you."

I know it is hard for him and that he is trying as hard as he can to accept the situation. I just need to get better at coming up with ways to help him adjust and realize that we stick together like crazy glue!

Last Day of Vacation

Well, we had a great day today. We got up and moving along as I earlier posted. We stopped in a small town (Victor, Idaho) and had the best huckleberry shakes I have ever had. We love the huckleberry flavors around here! As we were in the soda shop, we noticed that up on the wall were a bunch of different kinds of money tacked up. We asked about it and the lady behind the counter couldn’t say exactly why it was started, but she said it was a tradition now for people from different countries to leave currency behind from their country. Alex has been toting around about 50 hrivna since we left Ukraine so we went to get some and gave it to her to tack up. They had money from Sudan, Iraq, Hungary. So now they will have Ukraine!

After there, we went to the home of friend that G3 works with. He owns a large ranch in Alta, Wyoming - some of the prettiest area of the country I have ever seen. He owns several horses and had them saddled up and ready to go when we got there. G4, Amanda, and Alex went out on a trail ride with him. His property backed up on Grand Teton National Forest. Amanda said it was some of the most spectacular scenery she had ever seen. The kids had a great time and spent about an hour out.

When they got back, Mr. Wilson took us on a tour in his truck around the area. His family had homesteaded the area in 1888 and had farmed the land ever since. They currently raise sheep and grow alfalfa. His 3 year old grandson wanted to go along on the tour but there wasn’t enough room in the truck, so he was put on Alex’s lap. Alex has a way with kids too and within 5 minutes the little tyke was out cold all snuggled up in his arms. Alex is so gentle and nice, it was so sweet to see him cuddling that little boy.

After the lovely tour, we said our goodbyes and headed out again. We made it to Pocatello, Idaho - home tomorrow.

Vacation time

We are having a fun time in Jackson Hole, Wyoming. The weather hasn’t been great, but as our first objective of the trip was to spend family time together, we have just tolerated the weather and focused on the family. I think Alex really got into traveling in the motorhome - he settled in on the couch with headphones on, listening to music, and playing games on the iPad.

Our first day here we walked down to Jackson lake and spent some time poking around. Alex took me by the hand and led me aside from the rest of the family and told me how much he loves lakes and mountains. He said he likes the smells, the water, and the views. I guess he has some happy memories of times with his dad. Amanda was trying to learn how to skip a stone and ended up by throwing the rock right into Alex’s stomach, and then G4 tried and winged G3’s temple. After that, we put an end to the stone skipping. Not a Gardiner family talent I guess.

We are staying in the Grand Teton National Park, but unfortunately have not gotten to see any tetons yet given the fog and cloud cover. However it is still a beautiful setting. We have gotten to see a lot of wildlife, bears, elk, deer, etc. Alex is making good use of his camera, taking it everywhere and taking pictures of everything. He loves wildlife and is always on the lookout as we drive around.

Yesterday we spent the afternoon in Jackson, poking around the stores and visiting the sights. In the evening we went to a chuck wagon dinner and listened to a country music band perform. We discovered that Alex hates (and I mean hates) country music! We got him a steak though - and he scarfed down all of it - our veggie patties were good but not on that magnitude. On a side note, he seems ok with being vegetarian most of the time at home with the exception of sandwich meat. I have given in on that, and of course when we go out - he is a carnivore extraordinaire.

It was snowing really hard when we left the show and we had a slow ride back to the RV camp. G3 was a little worried about driving off the road in places. It is only about a 45 minute drive normally, but with the snow it took about 1 and a half hours. It was pretty much a whiteout and the snow had accumulated so fast that you could not clearly make out the road in front of you. Alex, Amanda, and I were tired and started to zone out - good thing G4 was in the front seat with G3! It was so cute - Alex reached for my hand and squeezed it and then settled in and fell asleep still clutching my hand. I tell you all - he has a way of worming in and just squeezing my heart. He is so sweet and so nice and so loving, I still can’t believe that he wasn’t snapped up right away when he went in the orphanage. Anyway, on with the narrative :)

We have had a lot of fun together as a family here. The forced confines of the motorhome are actually good for everyone. Alex has been working really hard at making a conscious effort to be part of the family. He has been in a great mood here. On a funny side note - I have been learning how Cyranno de Bergerac (sp?) must have felt like! Alex has gotten the idea of texting to friends and has several that are regularly texting him. The problem is that he doesn’t always understand what they are saying or how to write back. So he will get a text and if he does not understand, he will give me the phone. I will translate and then we will decide what to answer back. If he can write it - he will, but if not then I have to write it! But his English is coming along great! He was able to call a friend that is going off to college next week and set up a get-together for when we get back. He was able to have a pretty good conversation! I am so proud of him.

Today we went whitewater rafting. It was a cold experience - the water here is 43 degrees in the Snake River! But we got wetsuits and splash gear so it wasn’t that bad. It was a great experience. Alex had some trepidation initially but I think he really enjoyed it. We put him and G4 in the front of the raft, that way he got good and wet and really got to experience the rapids. It was a relatively short trip - 8 miles - but we had some good class 3 rapids and a couple of class 4. Everyone was sad and didn’t want it to end. After the bus took us back to town, we went and got some ice cream - I mean, really, what is a better way to celebrate the great outdoors and exercise than with some calories, fat and sugar?

We stopped on the way back to the motorhome and tried to take some family photos. We set the camera up on a tripod and used our remote control to get pictures of all 5 of us. If I thought it was frustrating to get a family photo with 2 kids - multiply that - with 3 it was impossible. It took us 45 minutes to get a picture where everyone looked halfway decent. We would take one and see that Alex looked away, or I had my eyes closed, or G4 looked goofy! They were so funny that we ended up by laughing so hard it was impossible to line us up to get a good picture. But just when G3 and I were about to give up, we got a great one!

We came back to the motor home and G4, Amanda, and I cleaned up inside and Alex washed the car, and G3 washed the motorhome. We are settling in now, getting ready for dinner and watching the rest of Avatar that we started a couple of nights ago and never finished.

I have to say that the forced confinement has been great for bonding. Alex seems a lot more comfortable (as if that was ever a problem in the first place!) In the mornings, we have been lazing around. He is sleeping on the couch that pulls out into a futon. It has been so cold in the mornings that when I come out to check on everyone, he has patted the bed next to him and snuggled up with me. He knows how to get to me, I love to snuggle and have always decried the fact that Amanda and John do not cuddle. We spent two hours snuggled up this morning and dozed off and on. Okay - to be truthful, I dozed, all warm and cozy, while he played on the iPad. I could just stay like that all day, and I think he could too. He is very needy of physical love, and I am more than happy to provide it. Every 30 minutes or so, it used to be that he had to come and make eye contact with me. That has dropped off somewhat, but I have noticed that he still needs some type of physical contact. It could be a hug or touch, or even just brushing up against me. He will just run up and give me a hug or a squeeze. Then he is off until the next time. It is so cute. He is such a mix of child and adult - I guess a product of his experiences.

I am learning about Alex day by day. I know that he chews on his bottom lip when he is thinking or concentrating or unsure of himself. I know that he loves skinny jeans and adidas track clothes. He is very picky about how his shoelaces are tied. He loves to take showers - sometimes two or more a day, and he often forgets to brush his teeth at night. He is proud of his muscles and has me check them at least once a day to proclaim how strong he is getting. He loves learning English but hates schoolwork. He loves teasing people (like his sister) but has such a tender heart that if he thinks he has gone too far, will jump in immediately with an, “I’m sorry.” I know he bites his fingernails but is trying hard to stop. I know that he can’t wait to learn how to drive and wants a car when he turns 16. I know his favorite thing to do is bike ride and second favorite is to listen to music. In third place, is hanging out with friends and learning English. And I know that I love him to distraction and can’t imagine life without him!