A Look Back and a Look Up

Finally, I am feeling better - I feel almost normal. Who would have thought that the right medicine and R&R would have such miraculous effects! I have been back to cooking, cleaning, and doing my normal things. I think everyone is relieved! However, some of the ancillary benefits of this whole time has been better family relations though. We just hunkered down and spent quality time together this summer. Lots of pajama days, going to movies, and home-cooked meals. It has been lazy days and fun.

I was at dinner last night with some lovely women who have either adopted internationally or are in the process. It was such a walk down memory lane to hear about their experiences and contrast those with my own. Every child is different and every family experience is different but the whole process has many similarities. However, it was hard to relive the last year. It is helpful to realize how far we have come as a family, but also hard to remember all the difficult times we have gone through.

There was a lot of discussion about whether or not it was important for the child to have given a definitive answer yes to the question of whether or not they want to be adopted. I explained that I felt it was impossible to get such an answer out of a child. They are conflicted between ties from home and the new but unknown experiences of adoption internationally. Someone asked me when we knew Alex wanted to come and I had such a hard time answering that question. We never got a definitive yes and never communicated with him at the orphanage while we were doing paperwork, so we were going into Ukraine blind. But somehow when we saw him for the first time, we just knew. And I think, he knew too. Alex once told me that he always knew it was only us for him, but is that the same as a “yes I want to be adopted?” - I am not so sure it is. While I know that Alex loves us and is happy, there is still always the knowledge that this was just one chosen path that we somewhat pressured him into and that there are also many others paths that he could have followed, some good and some bad.

There was a lot of uncertainty brought up by this and I felt myself reliving the feelings that I had back then - not a fun thing to do. I don’t want to scare anyone, but once things have been lived through and laid to rest sometimes you don’t want to hear about them again - I mean now Alex is happy and integrated and some of these are moot points. But there is an emotional connection to the memories.

Unexpectedly, on the way home I found myself crying, alone and ridiculously in the car as I considered everything that had happened to bring Alex into our family. Also, the probability of any one of those things going wrong and Alex never having been able to join us. I was freaking out as I thought of the possibility of never having Alex in our life at all.

But once I got home and was able to hug him and hold him in my arms, it was all ok. He seemed to know I needed some extra TLC, even though I denied it. I kept saying I was ok and finally he just pulled me into his arms and said, “Oh please, I know you.” I had to laugh. And as I was tucking him into bed, it was so great to hear the words, “I love you more than anything mom.”