Science Fair Project Finally Done

I can’t believe it - Alex has worked so hard on it and I have helped and put so many hours into this - I hope he does well next weekend. The actual science fair is Saturday March 8th. I have cut and pasted his abstract, which is just a little summary of the project. But I will try to upload the file which has his research paper on it for those hardy people that want to read everything. I will also try to upload the graphs representing the data.

Most children in orphanages around the world want to be adopted and many of them will not get a chance. I hope people will see this project, learn from it, and be inspired to adopt a child. I designed a survey to ask internationally adopted children about their experiences during and after adoption. My hypothesis was basically correct with all respondents replying 83% feeling good about their adoption and 17% neutral or bad about their adoption. This can be important for adoptive parents to understand that all children are not as excited about adoption as the parents might want them to be. It would be helpful to understand the child’s feelings and try to find out why they are unhappy

Overall 28% respondents said yes to adoption because they felt they had no choice. Even more interesting was the breakdown of choice in adoption by age category. Ages 6 and under reported 75% feeling they had no choice, ages 7-11 had only 25% feeling they had no choice, and with the over age 12 category, 0% felt they had no choice. For adoptive parents, this is important for them to understand the feelings of choice, so they can take more time with children, especially little ones and try to help them understand.

The most important finding of my study was that there was a significant difference in the children’s feelings about adoption before and after coming to America. For all respondents, 56% felt good about adoption before coming to America, while 83% felt good about adoption after coming to America. This was found to be statistically significant at the 95% level of confidence. Before being adopted, children are scared and not understanding about the changes in their lives, but after they have been here for a while, they understand how their lives changed for the better. For adoptive parents, don’t feel too bad in the beginning because everyone will go through these phases, and ultimately things will get better, and the child will feel happier.

Thanks everyone who helped and supported Alex on this project.

I Sweat the Small Stuff

Life has been carrying on here unremarkable except for illness. Poor Amanda got sick and then Alex got sick and then I got sick and then Amanda again, and so on…. We kept trading it back and forth for a while, and just when I thought it was all over - Alex got sick again!

On other news, I was finally diagnosed as hypothyroid and have started medication for it. Hopefully it will kick in soon and give me more energy - I desperately need more energy!

But onto today’s topic. It is all the small things of adopting an older child that have me freaked out today. Alex and I were working on the research paper for his science fair project yesterday (Ok - he was dictating and I was typing) and he noticed that I changed a font size. He asked what I was doing and when I showed him, that was the end of work, he then spent the next hour playing around with different fonts and sizes of letters. While it was a great lesson in word processing, we really needed to get the paper done. But even more than the paper was the volume of things I realized that Alex didn't know. He had never worked with word processing before. These are things that G4 and Amanda have just assimilated as they have grown up with computers, whereas Alex hasn’t. He is not particularly tech savvy, even with things like cell phones. He used to text a little in Ukraine, but only when he had money to put on the phone. Here, where it is unlimited, he gets flustered when too many texts come in.

Also, email has been an issue. He had never sent an email before we started to work on the since fair project. That was another whole lesson on email etiquette. Don’t get me wrong, I am so happy that he is learning these life skills, but I am freaked out by teaching those and then by the way, there also have to other things taught like spelling, math, etc.

I never realized how much my bio kids already knew about the world before Alex came into our lives. When G4 got his driver’s license, we didn’t eve talk to him about roadside assistance (he had been in the car with me enough to know how to call them and how to react) or where the registration was kept, etc. He was just off and driving.

But with Alex, once he got his driver’s license, it was several more days of instruction as I showed where the important documents were, how to call for assistance, where the light was for oil changes etc. I felt bad for him because he just wanted to get in the car and drive but we had to hold him back a little until all this information could be conveyed.

In the end the whole driving thing has worked out. Alex has had his license for a while now (about 1 month) and has been such a help to me. He has been able to take over driving Amanda many days to Tae Kwon Do, and he drives himself to his karate and drum lessons. It has been wonderful for me to have a little more time to myself! He has been so responsible. Every time he drives himself somewhere, he calls me when he arrives. I never asked him to, but he wants to connect and show me how good he is being.

In fact, he was just saying that he felt so grown up the other day and responsible. He said he never thought he would ever feel this way! We have pretty much given him the minivan to drive - with over 110,000 miles on it - we figured it couldn't go to bad if he crunches it - it isn't worth too much anymore. He was so funny though, he had to get in it and clear out all my stuff and move things around to suit his taste.

Anyway, back to my freaking out about all the little things like email, font size, etc. It seems insurmountable to be teaching all of that new on top of everything else. And he wants to go to college? How am I going to get all this in his brain in the next 2-3 years? Or even 4 if I cut myself some slack? Daddy John would accuse me of trying to boil the ocean right now instead of just 1 cup at a time, but it is hard not to freak out. I wish I had a time out button to stop time and allow me some extra time. So any thoughts or advice on this subject would be greatly appreciated.

Not Real Mom Carries On

Heehee - I am getting into this not real mom thing! Ok, not really, but it helps to have a sense of humor about it. Alex has gotten into it also saying, “I feel kinda fake today.” Daddy John called the DOL and talked to the supervisor who agreed our treatment was not appropriate and promised to address our concerns with the staff. I feel a little vindicated but want to still extract more - but no amount of redress can stop the hurt that Alex and I felt about the whole thing. Oh well.

The last week or so Alex has been working hard on his science fair project. I admit that I railroaded him into doing it, but he has gotten into the swing of things and has enjoyed compiling the results of his survey. After I had suggested doing a project, he came up with the idea that he should send a survey out to other internationally adopted children and ask them about whether they wanted to be adopted, how long it took them to make up their minds and whether they like America now. So we have been working on it, and have gotten about 16 responses back. We were hoping for more, about 30, but this is a start. He suggested that he fill out the survey as well. I didn't really want to get into the ethics of participating in a study that you are conducting ( I am just happy he wanted to do the project) so I let him.

I printed it out and was sitting with him at the breakfast table as he was writing the answers. He was asking me how to spell things and then looked really sheepish. I asked him what the problem was, and noticed he was at the question of whether he wanted to be adopted or not. He looked really unsure of himself. I really didn't understand what was going on and kind of pushed him along saying, “Hurry up, fill it out, we have to get to our Algebra lesson next.”

He looked at me and then said in a small voice, “I am answering no to this question because I really didn't want to be adopted.”

I realized quickly what was going on - he was scared to admit that to me. I took a minute to think and I could feel him getting nervous. I think he was worried about what I was going to say.

I just said, “Ok. What about the next one - how long did it take you to make up your mind?”

He answered, “About 2 months and only then because my Grandma said I should.”

“I said, “Ok, well just write that down.”

He did and was still really quiet. He looked too serious and introspective. On the other hand, I was trying not to cry, scream, yell, and beat the table. I was thinking OMG! I have given you everything, loved you more than life itself, rearranged everyone’s lives, spent so much money I cant even think about it and you were UNSURE? REALLY? But then I calmed down and realized the truth of what he was saying. How scary it must have been for him. Maybe a small child being adopted doesn't understand the ramifications, but an older child really does. And I know he did. He realized what he was giving up, his freedom form parental oversight, his family as much as it was, his language, country, and culture - for what - people he didn't know and a nebulous “opportunity” that adults in his life kept telling him about.

I realized that he had made the single most adult decision of his life and shouldn't have felt the weight of it on his shoulders. Right then and there, it felt right to make him feel like a little kid again, and remove some responsibility from his shoulders. I realized that he felt like an adult - he had made the decision and however it turned out was on him!

So I said to him, “You know, the court was nice to ask you about adoption, but I had already decided you were mine.” Alex looked at me with this startled look. I carried on, “I wanted you to feel like you had a say so in the matter, but I knew I wasn't leaving Ukraine without you.”

At this he stuck out his chin and retorted, “What if I had said no?”

I shot back quickly, “Really didn't matter. I would have stayed and stalked you until you gave up and came home with me. Now hurry up and finish.”

At this point G4 came walking into the kitchen and heard what I said. He turned to Alex and said, “Alex, believe her. She is tenacious and always gets what she wants - she might be short but you can’t shake her off. It’s easier to give in to her. She can be really irritating.”

Then Amanda popped in and followed it up with, “Yep. Mom on a mission is all I have to say.”

Everyone laughed and then once we were back alone, Alex was still muttering under his breath about how he could do what he wanted and I couldn't make him do anything he didn't want to, but he was smiling and happy. It was as if a weight had been lifted off his shoulders.

I felt conflicted about what I said - except every word was true - I would not have left without him even if I had had to kidnap him in my suitcase. But I know the traditional advice would have been to say something like, “It must have been a very tough decision. Would you like to talk about it?” or along those lines. Or to acknowledge his Grandma’s part in it.

That just didn't feel right to me as I think it would have forced him to look at it from an adult point of view and I feel like too much of his life has been adult. I wanted him to feel like the decision had been taken out of his hands so looking back on it he might have more thoughts of “I was chosen by this family,” rather than “I had a hard decision to make,” meaning that the good and bad of it was on our shoulders, not his! I want him to feel like a normal kid and not one who had charted his own destiny. That is too heavy a weight to have on one’s shoulders at 14 or even now at 16.

I had moved him from a difficult memory, to one that was fussing about bossy parents and a more normal teenage reaction. Hopefully it was the right thing to do - I guess time will tell.

I find myself in situations all the time where I don’t know what to say. Sometimes I feel like I can say I don't know, but at others, I don’t. I feel like I have to acknowledge it and parent - and that is hard for me. The only thing I hid from Alex was my shock that he didn't want to be adopted by us in the beginning and that it was such a hard decision. I wish I could say that it was a hard decision and took us a while - but it was instantaneous for me - I saw him the first time and that was it - a forgone conclusion. He was MINE. Hard to accept it wasn't reciprocated - I think deep down I knew that - just having it out in the open is a little harder to deal with. I knew I shouldn't follow this line of thinking but I couldn't help myself the next day when we were looking at these survey results again and starting to analyze them. I couldn't help myself from asking, “So when did you decide yes?”

But before he could even answer I had a flash and suddenly I knew. I said, “Wait, wait, I know - it was when you first saw us again at the orphanage.” 

He looked surprised that I had guessed and said,  “Yes, I knew it was you then. I couldn't believe you had come for me. I called my Grandma that day and told her I had decided yes. And you just don’t know how much I love you. I can’t imagine life without you now.” And he took my hand and kissed it. 

Sniff, sniff - I really wasn't fishing for that, but darn glad I caught it! Naughty me for needing reinforcement but I’m only human and it felt so good to get it. Someday I will grow up maybe and be good without it - but for now - the wounds(for lack of a better word - adjustments maybe?) of adoption are real and need assuaging at times.

Pretty good for a not real mom and her not real son.