Heehee - I am getting into this not real mom thing! Ok, not really, but it helps to have a sense of humor about it. Alex has gotten into it also saying, “I feel kinda fake today.” Daddy John called the DOL and talked to the supervisor who agreed our treatment was not appropriate and promised to address our concerns with the staff. I feel a little vindicated but want to still extract more - but no amount of redress can stop the hurt that Alex and I felt about the whole thing. Oh well.
The last week or so Alex has been working hard on his science fair project. I admit that I railroaded him into doing it, but he has gotten into the swing of things and has enjoyed compiling the results of his survey. After I had suggested doing a project, he came up with the idea that he should send a survey out to other internationally adopted children and ask them about whether they wanted to be adopted, how long it took them to make up their minds and whether they like America now. So we have been working on it, and have gotten about 16 responses back. We were hoping for more, about 30, but this is a start. He suggested that he fill out the survey as well. I didn't really want to get into the ethics of participating in a study that you are conducting ( I am just happy he wanted to do the project) so I let him.
I printed it out and was sitting with him at the breakfast table as he was writing the answers. He was asking me how to spell things and then looked really sheepish. I asked him what the problem was, and noticed he was at the question of whether he wanted to be adopted or not. He looked really unsure of himself. I really didn't understand what was going on and kind of pushed him along saying, “Hurry up, fill it out, we have to get to our Algebra lesson next.”
He looked at me and then said in a small voice, “I am answering no to this question because I really didn't want to be adopted.”
I realized quickly what was going on - he was scared to admit that to me. I took a minute to think and I could feel him getting nervous. I think he was worried about what I was going to say.
I just said, “Ok. What about the next one - how long did it take you to make up your mind?”
He answered, “About 2 months and only then because my Grandma said I should.”
“I said, “Ok, well just write that down.”
He did and was still really quiet. He looked too serious and introspective. On the other hand, I was trying not to cry, scream, yell, and beat the table. I was thinking OMG! I have given you everything, loved you more than life itself, rearranged everyone’s lives, spent so much money I cant even think about it and you were UNSURE? REALLY? But then I calmed down and realized the truth of what he was saying. How scary it must have been for him. Maybe a small child being adopted doesn't understand the ramifications, but an older child really does. And I know he did. He realized what he was giving up, his freedom form parental oversight, his family as much as it was, his language, country, and culture - for what - people he didn't know and a nebulous “opportunity” that adults in his life kept telling him about.
I realized that he had made the single most adult decision of his life and shouldn't have felt the weight of it on his shoulders. Right then and there, it felt right to make him feel like a little kid again, and remove some responsibility from his shoulders. I realized that he felt like an adult - he had made the decision and however it turned out was on him!
So I said to him, “You know, the court was nice to ask you about adoption, but I had already decided you were mine.” Alex looked at me with this startled look. I carried on, “I wanted you to feel like you had a say so in the matter, but I knew I wasn't leaving Ukraine without you.”
At this he stuck out his chin and retorted, “What if I had said no?”
I shot back quickly, “Really didn't matter. I would have stayed and stalked you until you gave up and came home with me. Now hurry up and finish.”
At this point G4 came walking into the kitchen and heard what I said. He turned to Alex and said, “Alex, believe her. She is tenacious and always gets what she wants - she might be short but you can’t shake her off. It’s easier to give in to her. She can be really irritating.”
Then Amanda popped in and followed it up with, “Yep. Mom on a mission is all I have to say.”
Everyone laughed and then once we were back alone, Alex was still muttering under his breath about how he could do what he wanted and I couldn't make him do anything he didn't want to, but he was smiling and happy. It was as if a weight had been lifted off his shoulders.
I felt conflicted about what I said - except every word was true - I would not have left without him even if I had had to kidnap him in my suitcase. But I know the traditional advice would have been to say something like, “It must have been a very tough decision. Would you like to talk about it?” or along those lines. Or to acknowledge his Grandma’s part in it.
That just didn't feel right to me as I think it would have forced him to look at it from an adult point of view and I feel like too much of his life has been adult. I wanted him to feel like the decision had been taken out of his hands so looking back on it he might have more thoughts of “I was chosen by this family,” rather than “I had a hard decision to make,” meaning that the good and bad of it was on our shoulders, not his! I want him to feel like a normal kid and not one who had charted his own destiny. That is too heavy a weight to have on one’s shoulders at 14 or even now at 16.
I had moved him from a difficult memory, to one that was fussing about bossy parents and a more normal teenage reaction. Hopefully it was the right thing to do - I guess time will tell.
I find myself in situations all the time where I don’t know what to say. Sometimes I feel like I can say I don't know, but at others, I don’t. I feel like I have to acknowledge it and parent - and that is hard for me. The only thing I hid from Alex was my shock that he didn't want to be adopted by us in the beginning and that it was such a hard decision. I wish I could say that it was a hard decision and took us a while - but it was instantaneous for me - I saw him the first time and that was it - a forgone conclusion. He was MINE. Hard to accept it wasn't reciprocated - I think deep down I knew that - just having it out in the open is a little harder to deal with. I knew I shouldn't follow this line of thinking but I couldn't help myself the next day when we were looking at these survey results again and starting to analyze them. I couldn't help myself from asking, “So when did you decide yes?”
But before he could even answer I had a flash and suddenly I knew. I said, “Wait, wait, I know - it was when you first saw us again at the orphanage.”
He looked surprised that I had guessed and said, “Yes, I knew it was you then. I couldn't believe you had come for me. I called my Grandma that day and told her I had decided yes. And you just don’t know how much I love you. I can’t imagine life without you now.” And he took my hand and kissed it.
Sniff, sniff - I really wasn't fishing for that, but darn glad I caught it! Naughty me for needing reinforcement but I’m only human and it felt so good to get it. Someday I will grow up maybe and be good without it - but for now - the wounds(for lack of a better word - adjustments maybe?) of adoption are real and need assuaging at times.
Pretty good for a not real mom and her not real son.
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