So much has been going on and I have been so busy that I have neglected this blog for far to long. But I need to keep it going. It helps me so much to get everything out - and whether people are interested in it or not? Well, I don't know but if I help just answer just one question someone has, then it is worthwhile.
Life has been interesting - with the move overseas and all. Also, my book is finally done and all be published August 1. It should be available soon after on Amazon and Barnes and Noble. I have had a lot of interest in it so far. The title is No Panic! How to Adopt an Older Child. It is available as both paperback and an ebook.
However, I know people probably read this not to find out about my life or how the family is but rather to follow adoption of a teenager and the subsequent challenges and issues - so if you want to know all about our travel overseas and life in general - friend me on Facebook! That way you can see pictures and such, but for now, I will just relate Alex things on the blog.
The hardest thing about being in Europe is the smoking for Alex. Even through he has been tobacco free for two years, he says it calls him like a drug. Every time we passed someone on the street and smelt the smoke he said he was like a blood starved vampire. I have been powerless to fix this. I do not understand the craving. I know it isn’t physical, but what is motivating it is beyond me. But in talking to friends that were smokers for years, they totally get it. So, poor Alex has had to deal with this constantly this summer. He has asked me for cigarettes on multiple occasions but when I say no, he will thank me for not caving in to him. He told me that when he first came to America two and a half years ago he never meant to quit smoking permanently. He only did it because he knew he would get into trouble with us. But now he said the biggest motivator to not smoke is because of Amanda’s severe asthma. I was so pleased to hear that - it showed me that the bonding is occurring with all the family members. Remember how worried I was years ago that it would never happen? I knew he and I bonded like glue in the beginning but I was so worried that it wouldn’t happen with the other family members. It seems so trivial to worry about now.
In an effort to help him with the smoking though we loosened up our alcohol prohibitions. Overseas, he is old enough to drink legally with parental permission, so John and I decided to give him free rein. He has surprised us with how responsible he is - he is developing quite the taste for hard cider and microbrews but so far has no alcohol problems. He drinks occasionally with a meal but has never abused alcohol and never gotten drunk. Ok I take that back - there was one night in the flat in London when he and I were tipsy together after downing several ciders - boy is he a motor mouth when he drinks!
We talked about responsible drinking - but he is way ahead of us on that one. He already knows more about it than we do! But he voiced that he just doesn't crave alcohol the way he craves cigarettes. But I think treating him like an adult with the alcohol allowed him to feel like he had some self-control over himself and could make good decisions. So all in all - we have been pleased so far that he has stayed away from cigarettes. Now I know some of you are rolling your eyes and wondering how I can be so sure of myself that he hasn’t gone off on a binge. And if we were anywhere else I would agree with you - however. Remember we were in a 700 square foot flat (spacious by London standards) and have not physically separated for the past 2 months. Amanda, Alex, and I have done everything together - as we have been without friends and contacts in Europe. So this I know.
The one thing however that continues to astonish me is the continual flow of new information. I keep thinking every time something is revealed from his past that, “OK, now I have heard it all,” but I am just deluding myself. The revelations just keep coming. I must admit to feeling some frustrations with that. I am ready to be free from the differences that separate us and have nothing but everything in common. Dream on - I know but I do get angry with it.
Just a case in point. We were in a cafe in Paris two weeks ago and were talking about something generic when Amanda mentioned a book she was reading about a run-a-way teen. Alex popped up with, “Oh, Sergei and I were going to run away once we got to America.” This hit me out of left field. “Oh yeah,” he followed up with. “We planned to take as much money as we could and run away and steal what else we needed.” (Becky take a deep breath!)
As I was choking on my crepe, I countered with, “Oh this must have been early on when you just got there wasn’t it?” really hoping it was but he shot back, “Yeah, but then we were really planning it when you told me we were moving to Seattle. I didn't want to leave you but didn't want a family either.”
HE HAD BEEN WITH US 4 MONTHS AT THAT POINT. At this, I almost fell out of my chair. I couldn’t believe it. I was so hurt. Without any warning, I started bawling - loudly - in the middle of this cafe - with everyone looking at me. I was devastated. The floodgates just opened - I felt so betrayed and raw. Poor Amanda and Alex didn't know what to do with me. We managed to finish the meal and get out of the cafe but I was finished for the day. We went back to our flat and Alex came to me and said, “I never would really have done it, I just didn't want to move.” But I could tell he was just assuaging me. I knew that if given half a chance, he would have been gone from me back them and I never would have even known why or what happened. I don’t know why this hit me so hard, but I am still reeling from it. It just highlights to me the different place parents and kids are in the this WHOLE process of adoption.
I like to think that after the initial adjustment phase, that everything calms down and will be normal - but I have to realistic - there is no normal. It will always be different. Maybe a new normal. I had been planning for Alex in paperwork and getting money for the adoption for months and then traveling halfway around the world to actually get him. By the time we landed in America, he was mine, completely and wholly - my work was done - I was bonded, attached and a parent in every sense of the word. But by that time, Alex was not even interested in being a child in a family. He was there for opportunity, money, adventure, whatever, but not to be my child. Somewhere along the line this has changed, and he now is becoming my child, but the process is not complete inside of him and I wonder if it every will be. And this is a kid who is open with me, communicative, and not too scarred from past abuses and neglect. We also have no learning disabilities, FAS, PTSD to deal with. OMG - if we had other issues, how would he ever be mine? Could he learn, can he heal, can he accept us as a family, truly and emotionally forever? I still lie awake and think about these thoughts at night. Everyone else in the family thinks I am overreacting but I know the truth of what is in that kid’s heart. We are worming our way in, but boy it is taking a long, long time.
No wonder I have worries about him constantly. But then just as I am drowning in these thoughts something comes along to alleviate them. We were walking along a street in London two days ago when out of the blue he grabbed my hand and said, “ You know what I most wanted when I was little? It was a momma. I had Grandma and I tried to call her momma but she said no she was my grandma. Then when I met my dad and his new wife, my stepmom, I thought that my prayers had been answered. But then I realized she was mean and hurt me and then forced me to call her momma. But you, you are my real momma.”
I almost crumbled into an emotional mess of goo at that. I started crying again but caught myself (thank goodness for sunglasses). I didn't know what to say except, “I know, and you are my real son.” That alone lifted me out of the depths of panic and worry.
But truth be told, I wish there were no ups and downs, I long for a time of knowledge that we are all bonded together and there is no past, only a future. I want consistency not surprises, but then again God didn't give Alex what he wanted for a long time - guess I will have to wait too, but at least I am secure in the knowledge we are all together now and nothing will tear us apart if I can prevent it.
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