Of everything that I have experienced in this adoption journey, the necessity of letting go is proving to be the hardest. Alex and I bonded so quickly and he was so needy of love and attention, that I despaired at times of having enough to give to him. But we persevered and are filling up his dry well with family and emotions. Believe it or not, I think just recently the surgery experience with his hand helped a lot and showed him finally and permanently what family means to him. BTW, he is healing well and has full movement back in his hand. There is a wicked scar, but he is proud of it.
However, as he becomes more confident and emotionally stable, I find that he is able to separate more from me. This is helped by a drivers license, of course. But he is now more comfortable separating and will only call me once or twice during a separation whereas before, there were no degrees of separation or if there were, I was called or texted every 15-30 minutes.
In fact a milestone occurred yesterday. I had to get up early and take Amanda to the local high school to register her for the PSAT test. That in and of itself was hilarious as I didn't even know the name or location of the school. But anyway, it had to be done at the crack of dawn (ok 7:30am but that is the crack of dawn to me) and there I wasn't going to be home when Alex awoke. Then he had to get up and get to karate class at 11:00. So we were going to not see each other until the afternoon. Usually he would request that I wake him up if I had to go anywhere in the morning but I didn't get that request. And when we went over the schedule the night before, he set his alarm to wake up.
I was a little miffed, but thought, “Ok, don’t worry. Concentrate on getting yourself out of bed at that time which will be a miracle.” The next morning, Amanda and I did get her registered ( a whole other tale as schools do not like homeschoolers) and then we ran errands. It wasn't until about 11:30 that I realized I hadn't heard from Alex at all. Feeling panic, I called the karate school and was told in fact he was there working out just as he should have been.
When Alex got home, he called out to me, “Sensei told me you called. Sorry I didn't call - I forgot.” I knew that this was a big step for him so I just smiled and laughed and said, “Ok, no big deal. How was class?”
I realized that him forgetting to call meant that he felt safe enough that I was still there for him and he didn't need to check or even keep that thought in his brain. One little scar in his heart had been healed. He was sure enough of a mothers love that he didn't even need to think about it. How neat for him and how rotten for me.
I know separation is needed at some point for all kids, but when they are biological, you have time to lead up to it. It is still hard, trust me, G4 is in his first serious relationship and he is applying to grad schools all over the country and contemplating leaving home. It is so hard but I have had 18 years to work up to this moment. But with adoptive kids, everything has been on fast forward and there has been no grace period. You pour your heart and soul into them and when it works, you are overjoyed and thankful, but are left with a hole that is gaping wide and no emotional reserve to fill it. You can’t blame them, they are doing everything as they need to, but what do you do with yourself?
I know I am feeling a little adrift as I struggle to deal with this new level we have reached. I am not ready for it, but I don’t want him to know that. I know that I wasn't ready to move on to the next level and need to watch out that none of that feeling crosses over into my interactions with Alex. Life goes on but I have shed a tear or two out of the loneliness that I know feel. It is such a weird feeling to personally feel so bereft but to mentally know that it is the most wonderful thing for Alex’s emotional health. Darn it, I just wasn’t ready, but here I am whether I like it or not!
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