I received one bit of advice recently that I am going to heed, and it was to chronicle every step of our journey to adopt Dema, a wonderful boy we had the chance to meet. Most of the other advice I have received, however well-intentioned, just didn't seem to make sense for our family, but this one seemed dead on. As T. said to me after she gave this bit of advice, "It will mean a great deal to Dema one day when he starts to question, as all adoptees do, your choice of him, his previous life, and how to move forward. It will surprise both you and him when times get rough, how much love you had for him even before he comes to live with you, and at times, you will both need to be reminded of that." So on that note - here starts the Gardiner Family Blog, Dearest Dema. This is really written for Dema to read some day, but since there will also be others reading it - I will switch back and forth between first and third person. Hopefully that won't be too annoying. I hope everyone will laugh and cry along with us in our journey to complete our family.
Dearest Dema,
I know I am starting this a couple of weeks late, but so much has happened since you left that I really haven't had time. I will first go back a few weeks in time to catch you up on things that were occurring while you were here in America but didn't know. So to start at the very beginning…..
"Dema, come heeee-eeere!" rang out across the playground. R. yelled and motioned wildly at some kids in the distance, too far off for me to make out. In a few minutes I saw a young boy in a pair of rolled up jeans pull up on a scooter. He smiled and that was the moment I knew - this was my child. He was quiet but not too shy, polite but not overly so.
But first let me take you back a few days and give you some background information. John (from now on referred to as G3 to avoid confusion with son John who will be referred to as G4) and I had always wanted more children, but were unable to have any more. We had wanted to pursue adoption but were scared to start a process of which we knew nothing about. So, unfortunately, we had just let the idea die and I think on some level had resigned ourselves that we would not ever have the opportunity. And here comes the first life lesson in this story - Don't ever give up a dream because of fear or a lack of knowledge on how to pursue it. There is an old saying of, "Where there's a will there's a way," and it is true. Don't be intimidated; there might be times when your dreams have to be put on hold, but you should never table them completely.
So, back to our story. About a week prior, I had received an email over my homeschooling email loop announcing the presence of a hosting program in the area for some Ukrainian children who were from an orphanage. They were here on a cultural exchange program and were looking for families to host them during their visit. I turned to my husband after reading the email and asked him if we could host a child. After all, we had hosted an exchange student from Ukraine eight years previously for an entire year and had had a wonderful time with the entire experience. In fact, we still keep in touch with Alex and his family, have been to Ukraine to visit him, and consider him a permanent part of our family. We call and Skype each other as often as his schedule permits. (As an aside here, we are so proud of him. He just graduated from the University of Kiev with his masters degree in business and has found a great job. He has promised us a visit and we are anxiously awaiting it!)
Anyway, G3 said why not. So the next day I called R., the local contact for the hosting program, and the day after that, found myself and my kids sitting on a bench in a playground smiling at Dema unable to say anything but hello in Russian. He spoke to R. for a few seconds and then was off scootering around, having a good time. R. then called over another boy who was in need of a hosting family as well, and while he was just as charming and sweet, my kids and I looked at each other and all connected emotionally with a glance. We knew Dema was the one. Now of course was the question of how to execute the whole matter!
That day we went to a local aquarium with the whole group of hosted children and their host families. We had a good time, but found it hard to interact with Dema. He was here, there, everywhere, and we first got a good idea as to his energetic character. He loved being in groups (usually as the leader!) and was very social. G4 came up with an appropriate analogy - that trying to keep track of Dema was like trying to hold on to smoke. Unfortunately, without access to a translator, all we could do was grin stupidly at Dema as we all wandered around the aquarium. I think we probably scared him a little bit!
That evening, I spoke to G3 about the experience and told him that I had met a wonderful little boy that I think would be fun to host. I called R. and was invited the following weekend to a social at a local park where all the children would be with the director of the orphanage and translators present. So anxiously we all waited several days until Saturday.
We went to the park and felt a little out of place as most of the other families had already been hosting children and were all connected. I realized we had come in late and started to panic a little that maybe we would not be able to host and connect with Dema. It doesn't help either that I am too shy in group situations to be noticed. And as usual Dema was never to be found. Every time that I found him in one place and went to get my husband to say hello, I would turn around and found him gone - off in another direction! He certainly is all active boy! I think G3 was starting to think I was making up his existence. But finally I convinced him that the grey blur on the bike that kept racing back and forth was in fact Dema.
Anyway, we finally managed to snag a translator and the director of the orphanage. We told her that we had met Dema several days ago and were interested in hosting him. She gave us some of his background and her hopes for his future and then expertly corralled him as he zipped by us. Poor guy, he looked so bored! After all, what is more fun - racing around on a bike or standing and talking to the weird strangers that had done nothing but grin stupidly at him when he met them? We talked a little and then as evidenced by his squirming, he wanted to go back to playing. We let him go and after conferring with everyone, I extended the invitation to host Dema for his remaining time in America.
No promises were given, and my anxiety started to mount as I saw several other families talking throughout the evening to Dema. Naturally I wanted the best for him, but I really, really felt that would be us - now remember at this point all we had done was say hello and talk through a translator for 10 minutes! We left the park a few hours later with hopeful hearts that something would be worked out.
So, I guess I will end your first letter here Dema. Just never, ever forget how much we wanted you from the very beginning!
Love, Bethany, Amanda, G3, and G4
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