Best Kid Ever and Tough Mommy Decision

Yesterday was a phenomenal day. Alex got up early (8:30am), unbelievable I know, and was ready and raring to go. He helped Amanda and me with more deep cleaning - in fact we finally finished the upstairs. We are giving the house a careful going over one room at a time. We are cleaning baseboards, touching up paint, and rearranging drawers. It is a nuts to bolts cleaning.

Then we sat down and he did a great Algebra lesson, mostly by himself. He was confident and thinking straight and was doing really well. He helped me take all the pets to the vet’s office and was ever so helpful. He was happy and I could almost sense, anxiety free. As I was cleaning up after dinner, he crept up behind me and asked if I needed help. He told me that he noticed that everyone else had vanished and so he came to help out. I told him that just for asking and being so great - he didn’t have to help! Before bed, he wanted to watch a movie but his little eyelids were drooping and he was falling asleep on my shoulder, so he finally gave up and fell asleep at 11:00. I wish every day could be like this one. I felt good about the housework and errands I got done, he felt good about his schoolwork, and we all had a great day together.

But what a contrast to today. He woke up at about the same time, and was immediately asking to cancel the driver’s ed class tonight. He is intensely worried about going to it. He has fussed about helping me clean this morning - he still did it - but it wasn’t with the fun attitude of yesterday. He fussed about schoolwork and then when we sat down to do some, couldn’t even focus to do anything. He started with reading English and kept missing words that I know he knows. It is almost like his brain was shutting down from the worry about tonight. In fact, after a frustrating 30 minutes, I called him on it and explained to him what was happening. He agreed with me and I could see a little bit of the anxiety leave him as he just acknowledged the issues he was feeling. He voiced some specific concerns about what to do in the class if he was asked a question that he didn’t know how to answer.

I hope I alleviated some of his worries but I know that it isn’t enough. I tried to emphasize with him that he wasn’t there to worry about what others thought of him, or to get everything right - he was there to comply with the law and to pass the class so that he could get his driver’s license. But I offered him the choice - to cancel the class and take it in a few months or so when he was more comfortable. Unfortunately, that would mean giving up his learner’s permit as well since the state of Washington only allows a permit if you are enrolled in a class under the age of 16. He thought about it a little bit and then said no, he wanted to continue, but I could tell he wasn’t happy being forced into this situation.

I feel helpless sometimes in these situations. I want to take away all of his anxieties and worries, but at the same time, I need to teach him how to confront them and make sure they don’t ever master him, but that he can master them. We all have worries in life and he has more than average. I know he lives with a chronic level of hyper-alertness with these anxieties and probably has a higher resting stress level than I care to think about. I wish I could sweep these all away.

I know that I could help him tonight - he wants me to go with him as parents were invited to attend each class if they wished. Its just that Amanda has TKD at the same time and she already missed Monday because I had to take him. So, what do I do? It is rarely that I am placed in these situations to directly choose between children, and let me tell you, I don’t like it one bit. Do I disappoint Amanda or cause Alex more stress? There is no other option, Daddy John is out of town again (we haven’t seen him in a while - he’s in Europe on business) and G4 is in class. I hate this!!!!

It’s no fun knowing someone will be fussy with the outcome. Sometimes I wish I had a handy adoption manual to refer to that I could ask questions to and get answers, such as, “Should I let Alex attend class alone tonight and force a little tough love? Or should I disappoint Amanda and explain to her that I can’t take her?” The book in it’s wisdom would give me a clearly defined number rating on each choice taking into account current anxiety level, and future attitude towards mom.

But, I think I already know the answer. Just typing the words tough love decided me - as you all know by reading me thus far, those words aren’t in my vocabulary! I am all about compromise, listening to kid’s needs, altruism, and unconditional love, never cry it out, deal with it on your own, or telling kids what to do. I will juggle my schedule around today to take Amanda to TKD early so that she can practice some, even though it is not class time, and then, go to class with Alex. This way everyone gets most of their needs met. Whew - feel better! I will update later on how it went....