Well, both Alex and I have been on a little emotional roller coaster recently and I don't see a way off. It is really like a real life coaster - thrills and scares, but one that will not stop and let you get off.
Alex is starting to have problems with how comfortable he is getting here, I think. Out of the blue, he said to me in the car the other day, "Good mother, good sister and brother, good father, I happy here." I was so surprised that I almost drove off the road. There was nothing that precipitated it and he sounded sincere. But just that same day, I was talking to him about English lessons and he got so fussy. He started in with the old routine that I hadn't heard in a while, "You not my mother. You no love me. I no want to learn English. If English good, then Russian bad." He would not listen to me that we would keep his Russian good and that he really needed to learn English, only good could come of it. I was really hurt by this - he has been really eager to learn English in the past, but the more I thought about it, the more sense it made. He has really left behind his old life. He is getting comfortable here, but still is not fully integrated yet, and I think feels a little adrift. He feels that by rejecting the new, the old will still be there. But what he doesn't understand, is that the old is fading away and there is nothing he can do about it. He can't hang on to it no matter what. My heart breaks as I consider this - I wish that he could understand that he has his forever home with us - I know that it is coming and this realization is what is triggering these fears, but it is a slow realization. I want to snap my fingers and have it happen right now!
So, for now, to help, I am just laying off English and just loving him. So far, this has been a good fix for everything else that has gone on. But that brings up my conflict. I just love this kid so much that I feel everything so intensely with him. He and I have forged a really strong bond that is both wonderful and draining at the same time. I feel every mood swing, every frustration, and every happiness. It is great that we are so close, but I feel that at times it is too much for me. When I have to say no to him, it is like a knife in my heart, because I feel his pain. He still equates love with things and privileges which makes parenting very difficult. It is hard to say no to any kid, but this makes it soooo hard. I can be more objective with my kids, because I know their past so well. I know when they are really hurt and when they can handle things. With Alex, there is so much unknown, but the feelings are so intense and known. There are times he is hurting that I can feel it like it is my own, yet I don't understand why. This makes it so much more complicated!
There have been a few times when he is mad or trying to get a rise out of me that he will say, "You not my mom." This just cuts to the quick as I realize the truth of this - I am not his mom. On a piece of paper maybe, but I have not earned the right yet and I am not sure even how to do this or if it is even possible. I am trying to love him as best as I can, but nothing can change the fact that I am just another woman in a long string of women that have cared for him, hopefully better than most, but certainly not anything special in his mind. He does care for me, I know that, but whether it is truly as deep as I wish - who knows? Something tells me that we will never be let into his heart all the way, and that is understandable. After all he has been through to even let us close is a miracle.
But there are times when I can forget this. We are at the trampoline place again and he struck up a conversation here with a guy that served a mission in Ukraine. After Alex and this guy talked, he came over and spoke to me a few minutes. He mentioned that they were talking about school and the guy was wondering who was teaching him English. Alex told the guy that it was his mom and when he relayed this to me - he added that there was no hesitation - he said that he believes Alex thinks of me that way! These little moments can feed the soul!
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