Busy Fall and New Developments

We have been crazy busy this fall, so I feel like I should have a list of accomplishments to justify this feeling of busy, but unfortunately, I don’t. I seem to have been crazy busy without getting much accomplished!

However, I think I am just going to have to get used to that feeling! The whole family is doing pretty good, but there have been some pretty interesting developments that I wanted to share. The first deals with Alex’s career path. He had initially pushed back and refused to talk about his future and say only, “I don’t have a future, I will die soon, just like my dad.” Sad, sad, sad. Hard to hear, but I guess most kids coming out of orphanages feel the same. They live in the moment as there might not be a future for them.

Then once I was able to get through to him that there was a future, he went through the kiddie developmental stages of wanting to be a policeman, spy, etc. It was so cute to see it, but at the time, I took it seriously as this is really what he might want. John and I were thinking, hmmm, civil service career, pretty smart. But recently, he has changed his mind again and this one seems to be sticking - at least over the past 3 months. He has really found his passion in the Sociology course that he took over the summer and so I have continued it - but it has more morphed into Psychology. He is reading a book called Evil and its causes, or something like that and discussing it every week with his teacher. Ok, I am reading it to him as it is a college text, but you understand, right?

He LOVES to debate and talk about these issues. And then even suggested getting an early start in his career and doing some studies - so low and behold, he is doing a science fair project that deals with adopted children - he designed a questionnaire and sent it out to people and is going to study the results. In a funny turn of events, Adoption Today magazine found out about it and wants to interview him and have him share the results of his study! He is over cloud 9. Now he is talking about getting his doctorate and believing that he can do it. I am a little more pragmatic - he has a lot of lost ground to make up for - but I do know that where there is a will, there is a way.

The change from a kid who wouldn’t even talk about the future to now has been remarkable. We are so happy that he has found his passion. Makes life so much easier.

The other development has been a change in the way he views himself. He was always the “bad boy” smoker, drinker, womanizer….. you all know. But recently, he was hanging out with a friend at park day with our homeschooling group (and I haven’t liked this kid, the kind you know is bad news, but I have kept my mouth shut) and when I came to pick the kids up, he was with another group. I asked what had happened and Amanda and Alex said, “Oh, we don’t like so and so any more.” I of course had to pursue this one, “Why ever not?” while doing my happy dance!

Apparently this kid had asked Alex for money and alcohol. Alex had replied I don’t drink anymore to which the kid said thats ok, you can smoke while I drink. Whereas, Alex replied, I don’t smoke either anymore - that’s not my life anymore. And off he went. What this other kids doesn’t understand is that to Alex that lifestyle wasn’t cool or to be ‘bad’ - but necessary to survive. By rejecting it, Alex has embraced his new life. Talk about happy, happy, happy!!!! I was so thrilled that without lecturing or anything on my part, he had chosen the right path and was proud of it. Amanda had overheard the exchange and told me later that she was so proud of the way he put the other kid in his place and then separated from him. But…. we haven’t fixed the girl problems, they are still all over him and he doesn’t push them away….. oh well, two out of three ain’t bad!

I know some people think I am just a lazy parent, I don’t like to confront about topics, but I guess I feel if there can be a good outcome without my intervention, how much more powerful that is, rather than me imposing. If I imposed my way, life would be easier for me, but I don’t know that it would be easier for Alex later on. He has to realize some things by himself.

And if he had made arrangements to drink and smoke? I honestly don’t know exactly what I would have done other than to give him a big hug and kiss and tell him I love him anyway even though he had made a bad choice. I think I would have let him fall off the wagon and then picked up the pieces afterwards when he hopefully would have realized that it wasn't fun or cool, but a pathetic attempt to recapture a time past, that was gone. I think he would have learned from that too, but I am so happy that I don’t have to now!

Along those lines, Alex was fussing about his workout schedule. He wants to work out every day but laziness takes over and he ends up by spending more free time in front of video games and the computer than in the exercise room. He was fussing at me the other day as to why I don’t make him workout or be more productive. I told him that I could make him do these things - I could insist on an Algebra lesson every day, and waking up early, and a regular fitness schedule. I certainly could impose these, but I didn’t want to. I am happy with him making his own schedule - and accomplishing 2-3 Algebra lessons a week, sleeping until he wakes up, and working out haphazardly. It’s his life I told him and only too soon I will not be there to force him to do these things. If I impose these now, when he is out on his own, he will not have developed the skills on his own and will need external guidance. But if I let him develop the internal motivations now, on his own, when I am here to help mold and guide, they will be there for life. So, I am content sometimes to let things slide now for a better way later. He wasn’t so sure about this and was grousing he wanted me to make him do things, but hopefully he will see the truth of my ways - or maybe not. Time will tell!

Or maybe the truth of the matter is that I am really lazy! But either way, I am pleased about the progress he is making and the abilities he has developed. I have so much to be thankful for.

Happy Thanksgiving Everyone!

Vacation Time - Hawaii

I feel so bad that I am just writing this now, but I think I am trying to stretch out the vacation feeling a little bit longer. We have been home a week now from 2 glorious weeks in Hawaii. It was a great family vacation, in fact the best we have had in a long time. It was the first vacation where we noticed that Alex was totally at ease. He accepted the trip, was looking forward to new experiences, and was excited to do new things. Not that he hasn’t had fun on previous vacations - I don’t want to imply that. It is just that now he seemed totally at ease whereas before, we could detect some anxiety or at times difficulty adjusting to so many changes in his life all at once - something vacation tends to bring on.

The first week we were in Oahu, right off of Waikiki Beach. Because of a snafu in hotel reservations, we ended up in a single hotel room (all 5 of us). At first we were bummed - that is a lot of people in one room, but actually it turned out fine. The room had two double beds, and a pull out sofa and we requested a cot so that all the kids had their own bed and Daddy John and I shared. Even though it was cramped quarters, everyone got along and I think all became just a little bit closer. When you are that close as a family - you have to laugh a little at yourself and go with the flow! Sharing one timy bathroom all makes you a little closer as well!

Oahu was fun. We visited the North Shore, went snorkeling in Haunauma Bay, and spent endless days at the beach. We bought Alex tacky Hawaiian shirts and ate enough malasadas to sink a boat. We visited the Arizona Memorial at Pearl Harbor also. Then after a week, we flew to Kuaui and settled into a 2 bedroom condo, but I think everyone was a little nostalgic for our close quarters in Oahu.

We went horseback riding, more snorkeling, hiking and on our last day, we took a zodiac raft ride out to the Napoli Coast, a place only accessible by boat. The snorkeling was FANTASTIC! We saw turtles, dolphins and baby dolphins, rays, and so much more. We were so sad to come home, but I think a little tired of the sun. All of us were burned except for golden boy Alex who now looks like a native - with tanned golden skin and lighter hair from his time in the sun.

All in all, a successful venture and one that I hope has turned the tide of vacations for Alex into something to be concerned about to something that is routine and enjoyable.

Addendum to school days

Ok, I feel really stupid now. I was getting so caught up in describing what I teach Alex, that I forgot half of what he is doing. Oh well, at least I caught it. I was making up a sheet to cover the next month of school work, because I need to have some method of tracking classes that he is taking without me and I realized that I had forgotten so much. So here it is:

World History - Alex said early on that he liked History, so we started with the Usborne Encyclopedia of World History. I would just read him a page or two every day. We also listened to a lot of the Jim Weiss CD’s and saw a lot of historical documentaries and movies. There was a lot of western history that wasn’t taught and even the Russian history he had known was wildly skewed. We have tried to do living history as well with things like the Ren Faire etc. Nothing brings history alive like costumes and walking around pretending!

But now that Alex is more competent in English, he is taking a World History course taught for our homeschool group. There are 8 other kids in it and it is a year long course that is prep for the AP exam, but obviously, he will not be taking it. They meet for a couple of hours twice a week and it is taught more a college style seminar. So far, he seems to respond really well to that type of learning - there is no busy work, only essays that need to be written every few weeks analyzing things they have learned.

World Geography - Alex said he wanted to learn geography so I purchased the Kingfisher Guide to World Geography and we do a page every day. We started with basic things like latitude/longitude, and maps etc. Very basic middle school stuff, but now we are into studying the individual countries and have been making more progress. Amanda is doing it with him and is enjoying it as well.

Critical Thinking - I worry a lot about critical thinking obviously! I got some analogy workbooks and other puzzler type workbooks from critical thinking press and every once in a while (once a week or so) Alex will do one of the workbook pages. We started with a second grade workbook which really ticked him off but as his English has progressed, we have been able to do more. We are now in a high school work book much to his happiness.

Unit Studies - Occasionally the kids express an interest in certain subjects, so we will do short unit studies. One that was popular this summer was Greek and Roman mythology. We are currently starting one on the Pacific front of WW2. 

Ok - I think this covers it!

School Evaluations

As you all know, I chose to homeschool Alex (more out of laziness than anything else). After all, the other kids had been homeschooled, and that is the life I know best. Well, in Utah, there are no requirements for homeschooling but here in Washington there is the requirement of a yearly evaluation for progress. It can take the form of a standardized test or it can be an individualized eval, but nonetheless, it must get done.

When we moved here last year, in October, I contacted a tester and had a baseline evaluation done on Alex. She herself was an ESL student as a teen (Spanish though) and she had given me some good ideas on what to do schoolwork wise with him. So we have been plugging along and finally last week, we had our yearly evaluation. Alex was scared as I think he still feels if he doesn’t perform up to snuff, that he is out of here. Ridiculous, but there you go. I was assuaging him that everything was going to be ok, when the doorbell rang. It was the same lady and you could tell he was so anxious to please her.

So the eval got under way. She asked him to read a passage out of a middle school earth science book, she looked at some samples of his writing in English and then asked him a bunch of questions. Then she had him do a couple of random Algebra problems. Finally, when I thought he would explode, she stopped and said, “Let’s talk.” I must confess, I felt a little worried also!

She told us then that she had never seen anyone learn so much English so fast. She was amazed at his math - she said she had given those same problems to native speaking kids that couldn’t get them right. She also said that his reading was almost on grade level of native speakers as well. His writing is coming along more slowly, but his dictated essays and the such were on grade level she felt as well. I think Alex was astounded! He really didn’t expect that. I think he compares himself against Amanda all the time and comes up lacking which I keep telling him not to do.

She gave him the happy news that he was on track for the 10th grade this year and if he continued to progress would be graduating with Amanda in 2016 and on track for college. He was ecstatic - it was so cute to see.

So, at the risk of boring everyone - I wanted to just catalogue what I have been doing with Alex at home this past year. I have been so fortunate to receive so much good advice from people that I want to pass it along. Hopefully you all will find some useful things in it for you all.

English - I don’t teach spelling, grammar, or word usage. I have been concentrating on vocabulary. I have a SAT book that lists the 500 most common SAT words - so every week he gets a new word or two. These are taped on the fridge and are memorized by the whole family and then used by everyone, including Alex. It is so cute to hear him use them! The other day I told a little fib and he yelled, “Mom is fabricating a story!” Every week he has to write the words in a list but I don’t test him on them. Once we get twenty or so words, then we start a new list. He uses a HOT DOTS set of reading comprehension questions (grade 4-6) to read and answer on his own (a couple of cards a week). He also is required to write one English sentence a week using an idiom. I have a deck of cards with an idiom on each card with a cute picture (like you can count on me and shows a picture of a person with numbers all over them). He has to write a sentence using the idiom. Grammar or spelling is not corrected but the overall meaning is if necessary. I think now he will be doing two idioms a week and I will ask for two sentences going forward. We also have been using the reading comprehension worksheets from www.englishforeveryone.com - they are wonderful and complete. We have worked our way through almost all of them.

Literature - For reading, Alex has to read a “classic” book every 2-3 months of my choice in Russian. For example, the last one was A Midsummers Nights Dream by Shakespeare. Then we discuss it - eventually I would like to see an essay - but for now talking about it is enough. If there is a movie or play of it - then we go see it. This is getting hard for me as there are limited books in our library - but thankfully I think enough for a while. I am up for suggestions on his next couple of books if anyone has any ideas. I was thinking some Mark Twain maybe.

English reading - Alex is required to read one fun book every week in English - these I choose below grade level - right now he is reading Magic Tree House books for example. I want them to be easy and fun and enjoyable. He fusses a little and wants to move it along - he is asking for Harry Potter in English - but for now - I want it slow. I want him to get a good appreciation for the language in a non-threatening way. I also read out loud to Alex every chance I get. Almost every day I read to him about 20-30 minutes a day of any book of his choice. Currently we are reading the Zombie Survival Guide.

Russian - A couple of months ago, I went into freakout mode as Alex forgot a word in Russian. So, I hired a tutor that is a native Russian speaker that works at University of Washington in the Slavic languages department. She is wonderful (if a little bit of a tough task master) and has been working with Alex once a week. She gives him poems to memorize in Russian and has him writing one essay a week in Russian. She told him that his Russian is already degrading and is being very strict about keeping him skills up. He also fusses a little about how hard she is, but I think he is happy that he is keeping his Russian up. He also is doing (albeit) very slowly, an online course in Russian so that he can have transcript proof of competency.

Math - I had started Alex in algebra 1 but there were hue gaps in his knowledge (like fractions and decimals for example), so we back tracked a little into pre-algebra. But now we have a pretty good schedule of 3 algebra lessons a week and 1-2 catch up pre-algebra lessons a week. I am considering this year pre-algebra and next year algebra 1 but in reality - it is just algebra 1 spread out over 2 years. At first Alex needed me by his side doing each problem with him, but now - he is happy to do them on his own as long as I am near for help.

Science - I started Real Science 4 Kids middle school Geology with Alex a couple of months ago and he really likes it. The reading is of a level that he can do on his own - he reads the textbook out loud to me. And then he likes the hands on aspect of the labs. We also bought him a rock kit to augment the books. After this is done, we will move onto Physics and Chemistry. For life sciences, I purchased some Bio-Lab software with virtual dissections. We have finished the frog and are now working on the fish one. Next we will go to the cat. The CD format is great because there are labs and extras on the CD and there is no smell!

Sociology - I found a grad student at UW that is young and enthusiastic to teach Amanda and Alex a sociology course. I really wanted to focus on his higher order critical thinking skills (something I find lacking in soviet era culture). I want him to understand the importance of not having any fixed beliefs and the importance of questioning everything even if it is an important tenet of belief to him. In this spirit, we read the book “The Social Animal” by David Brooks. It was a very complicated book and probably only about 50% was truly understood by Alex, but each week, we read a chapter and then he dictated 3 paragraphs back to me about what he understood from the chapter. It was hit or miss sometimes, but after reading the whole book (and spending a year on this) he was really starting to analyze the content and agree or disagree with it as per his thoughts. It was so gratifying to see the change as we went through the book. Each week, I would email what he dictated to the tutor and then they would meet and discuss. This further helped to push him. At the end of the book, Alex dictated a full 5 paragraph essay to me complete with a thesis statement! I was so proud. The whole experiment worked so well that we are starting another book called This Will Change Everything which is a series of short essays by leading world figures talking about which future events (maybe artificial intelligence, or cloning for example) will revolutionize our future. I intend to continue this indefinitely with contemporary books as I think it will help Alex catch up on a lot in modern society that he will have to navigate.

Fine Arts - Not my strong point! Alex has been doing drum lessons (Santa brought a drum set) but I would like a more formal curriculum - any ideas? We go to a lot of plays (at least once a month) and concerts. And at least once a month are at a museum but again - he tends to flit through them pretty fast. Ok - I am sure this is my fault as I would rather be at a science museum than an art museum.

Sorry for my long and lengthy post about school but I am just so proud of Alex and what he has accomplished. The down side for him though is now I know what he is capable of and I am demanding more out of him!

A Look Back and a Look Up

Finally, I am feeling better - I feel almost normal. Who would have thought that the right medicine and R&R would have such miraculous effects! I have been back to cooking, cleaning, and doing my normal things. I think everyone is relieved! However, some of the ancillary benefits of this whole time has been better family relations though. We just hunkered down and spent quality time together this summer. Lots of pajama days, going to movies, and home-cooked meals. It has been lazy days and fun.

I was at dinner last night with some lovely women who have either adopted internationally or are in the process. It was such a walk down memory lane to hear about their experiences and contrast those with my own. Every child is different and every family experience is different but the whole process has many similarities. However, it was hard to relive the last year. It is helpful to realize how far we have come as a family, but also hard to remember all the difficult times we have gone through.

There was a lot of discussion about whether or not it was important for the child to have given a definitive answer yes to the question of whether or not they want to be adopted. I explained that I felt it was impossible to get such an answer out of a child. They are conflicted between ties from home and the new but unknown experiences of adoption internationally. Someone asked me when we knew Alex wanted to come and I had such a hard time answering that question. We never got a definitive yes and never communicated with him at the orphanage while we were doing paperwork, so we were going into Ukraine blind. But somehow when we saw him for the first time, we just knew. And I think, he knew too. Alex once told me that he always knew it was only us for him, but is that the same as a “yes I want to be adopted?” - I am not so sure it is. While I know that Alex loves us and is happy, there is still always the knowledge that this was just one chosen path that we somewhat pressured him into and that there are also many others paths that he could have followed, some good and some bad.

There was a lot of uncertainty brought up by this and I felt myself reliving the feelings that I had back then - not a fun thing to do. I don’t want to scare anyone, but once things have been lived through and laid to rest sometimes you don’t want to hear about them again - I mean now Alex is happy and integrated and some of these are moot points. But there is an emotional connection to the memories.

Unexpectedly, on the way home I found myself crying, alone and ridiculously in the car as I considered everything that had happened to bring Alex into our family. Also, the probability of any one of those things going wrong and Alex never having been able to join us. I was freaking out as I thought of the possibility of never having Alex in our life at all.

But once I got home and was able to hug him and hold him in my arms, it was all ok. He seemed to know I needed some extra TLC, even though I denied it. I kept saying I was ok and finally he just pulled me into his arms and said, “Oh please, I know you.” I had to laugh. And as I was tucking him into bed, it was so great to hear the words, “I love you more than anything mom.” 

Life Lessons

       While I was basking in the glow of a lovely Alaskan cruise vacation, my body decided that it was very unhappy and started to go haywire. I ended up with a kidney infection, acute renal failure, and all other sorts of problems that the doctors are trying to sort out. Life has not been fun for a time, as I have had to shut down most of my regular activities and try to recuperate.

I have come to the conclusion that getting older isn’t a lot of fun, my body just won’t do what it should and heal. The up side of all of this is that the kids have rallied around me and been so wonderful. They have taken over a lot of household duties and helped me in day to day tasks, allowing me to rest and heal.

After almost 3 weeks now, my kidneys are back functioning normally, all infections are gone, but I am left with chronic tiredness and an unbelievable lack of stamina. I mean, Alex is waking up before me in the mornings! What’s up with that? So far all the doctors do is draw more and more blood, tell me I am anemic, am developing hypothyroidism, overweight, and might be developing a degenerative muscle disease. Oi vey!

But there are some pretty awesome side benefits, Alex just brought me the best cup of coffee and Amanda is out feeding the dogs so I don’t have to. I am just sitting here in the family room with my feet propped up typing this blog. Life is pretty cozy right now.

Along with the medical issues we have been fighting, we also have been fighting more judgmental behavior and attacks on our family. Jeez, already, I wish people would get a clue and stop. I just had someone say to me the other day that I had to be careful of Alex and his “checkered past” and then someone else told me that they felt so sorry for Alex because I was keeping him so close to the family and not letting him spend the night for a sleepover with a friend and that I was causing him to miss so many experiences.

Yikes, how come no one ever says look how much you ARE offering. Or maybe, great that there is a family now that will look out for you! The kids have been embroiled in this controversy as well because on their own, they didn’t want to separate from me and then were called liars and told they were just protecting me. We were also told that I was making up Amanda’s medical problems to keep her by my side and out of certain activities. Unbelievable.

But when we sat down as a family to talk about everything, Alex said to me, “I don’t care if you don’t let me go anywhere, I know we have 14 years to make up for when we weren’t together.” Tearjerker I know.

And on top of everything, Daddy John has been out of town in China on business this whole time! He has been unable to call and the few times he has reliable internet to Skype - I am either in the car or in the grocery store. It has been frustrating. I have emailed him a few times - but oh boy will he get an earful when he gets home!

So, these past few weeks have been all about learning some hard lessons. One for me that my body is not without issues and I need to listen to it more carefully, and two, that a strong family base is needed to resist the attacks that can happen to your way of life and three, that people love to pass judgment about subjects they know nothing about!

This is what adoption is all about!

This picture sums it all up - it makes everything worthwhile! Can’t express in words how much I love Alex, Amanda, and G4 and how complete they make my life.

We just got home from a cruise to Alaska and had so much fun! It was Alex’s first time on a boat and he thoroughly enjoyed it. I have noticed that in the beginning he had a lot of trepidation about new experiences but now, that anxiety is less. It is still there, he has trouble trusting us, but it’s definitely less.

He was able to speak Russian with a lot of people - there were many crew members that were from Eastern Europe and Russian speaking countries. It was good practice for him, as I worry about his lack of ability to speak Russian with others on a daily basis.

Here we are ziplining in Skagway, Alaska.

Here we are after whale watching in Juneau, walking back to the cruise ship.

Docking in Victoria - looking forward to the evening in Butchart Gardens.

Yay for Alex!

Alex just had a major victory with his English fluency yesterday. He took his knowledge test for driving in English and passed it! We are so proud of him. He was very worried about it as there was a time limit and there was a lot of reading involved. But he was fine and actually accomplished it in record time - 20 minutes for the 25 questions.

I think this experience has given him a lot of confidence in his own abilities. He came over with only a minimal smattering of English and now can read at about the 9-10th grade level. He was initially very suspicious of my way of teaching as all other people we know who have adopted internationally have sent their kids to some sort of school or had some tutor or help. We decided to go it alone, just the two of us, and I am happy to say - it worked out!

It has been the first real outside validation of the work that he has done and I think it had energized him. Alex never really had a lot of success in school before (ok - make that none) and to have this feather in his cap, he is starting to look at himself in a different way. He even mentioned that he had believed every one in Ukraine when they called him stupid, but now he is starting to question it.

This made me so happy, as these self-images that he came to us with are the pits and really are going to be self-fulfilling prophecies if we can’t break them. I am also so happy because I feel validated. Lots of people have been pushing me to be more regimented and dictatorial with Alex, but I have found letting him guide the way himself with my encouragement to be the ticket. I think going at his own pace has allowed him to process the information better and be more receptive to learning.

We still have a long way to go with academic vocabulary, but this was an important first step.

Photo Update

We have been crazy lately with summer activities, but I wanted to post some photos.

Our homeschooling group is really active and had a swing dancing lesson for the teens last week. The kids all loved it and Amanda and Alex were having a great time. Just in time for this summer's formal as well.

Alex is finally taller than Amanda now much to her irritation and his happiness. It always bugged him that she was so tall, but her growth has slowed down while his is still plugging along.

We also went camping with the teens homeschooling group this past weekend and had a blast. It was Alex's first real camping trip and he threw himself into the activities. We had 2 campsites, one for the kids and one for the motor home and us! We had a big tent for the girls and all of Amanda's friends, a tent for Alex and a friend, and G4's backpacking tent, which is supposed to fit two people but with G4's size is more like G4 and a shoe. Our campsite was the kid site with bonfires every night, food continuously, and smores. I feel like I did nothing but feed kids all weekend long! We are all exhausted now and I am buried under an avalanche of post-campout laundry but it is a good tired.

                                                  Making breakfast and goofing off!

                                                           Group Picture at Beach.

                                                  All the teens in one place - a miracle.

                                       The - haven't I posed for enough pictures look! - jeez!

                                                      G4 relaxing and playing games.

We all had so much fun, it was hard to leave, but back to some semblance of a normal life here - school work, house work, and such.

I Love Summer

We are having so much fun this summer already. It kicked off with a week of wonderful weather, clear blue skies and 70 degree temperatures. We went kayaking yesterday and swimming in Lake Sammamish. It was heavenly. Amanda and Alex immediately commandeered the kayaks and off they went.

We are also getting started with our summer schedule of classes and having a lot of rearrangement with them. I have finally had to put my foot down on some of the activities that we do. There simply isn’t enough time in the day to do all of the things we want to do and still be able to get some school work done. So I have decided that we would pull back and spend more time at home.

In a funny coincidence, my van needed to go into the shop for some repairs and we have been forced to have some down time at home. Since it fit in well with my new schedule, I have embraced the home time and really gotten a lot done. I have been able to read more to the kids, clean the house, and catch up on laundry.

And speaking of reading, I have reinstituted my nightly reading to the kids. I used to read to G4 and Amanda for hours every day up to when G4 went into college. It was such a part of our life that we all look fondly back on. I had done some reading here and there to Alex, but it was more along the lines of 20-30 minutes a couple of times a week. Well, no more. We are listening to an audiobook of 20,000 Leagues Under the Sea every afternoon for about 30 minutes and then I am reading to the kids at night for about 1 hour. I was struggling to find a good book that would engage both Amanda and Alex and I finally hit upon it - The Three Investigators Series. I remember loving the stories when I was growing up and they have been a big hit. Even better - I found the ebooks free on the internet.

So, we are loving the warm, rain free days, enjoying the freer schedule, and generally lazing around!

World of Warcraft Gets Limits

Alex’s favorite game is World of Warcraft. He plays that game for at least several hours every day and so far I haven’t been too worried about the time on the game - it does teach him a lot of English. He has learned how to type a lot of English as well since he has to regularly communicate with other players around the world. It does entail a fair amount of reading and while we do assist him, we do try to let him figure it out on his own.

But recently, as our schedule has gotten more busy, I decided to limit the use of the game to morning and evening and leave his school time which is always between the hours of 12 and 6 free of its influence. (Don’t panic and think that I do 6 hours of schoolwork with him everyday! It is more like 2-3 but it is always between the hours of 12-6 usually.)

When I announced this, I was really bracing myself for trouble. This was really the first time that he had had limits put on things he really liked doing. Usually all of our other behavior modifications were very mild and slow and measured. This was kinda out of left field.

But I was so surprised. He looked at me and whined for about 30 seconds, trying to get me to change my mind, but once he realized that I could not be swayed, he said ok and that was that. He even asked me if he needed to stop playing all together, but I told him, no of course not. And that was that - there has been no fussing or complaining since. And several times during those hours when he has not be doing school work with me, instead of asking to use the computer, he has gone and grabbed a book in Russian to read or gone outside to play.

He really is a great kid and has been so easy to handle. I feel so fortunate that he is able to be so flexible and malleable. He doesn’t dwell on things that he can’t change and moves on. I think this is such a valuable habit that will be immensely powerful later on in life. I am thinking of putting some more limits on him, but already the benefits of just that small change are reaping big rewards. We are doing on average two more lessons a day than we were before.

This brings me to a point here about these kids. I know many people vehemently disagree with the way I go about things with Alex. They (including many in my own family) would start from the position that you closely regulate everything (like video games) and as the children do well or progress, you can gradually lighten up and allow more freedom. I am diametrically opposite that, as I allowed all the freedom he wanted in the beginning and then started very late to put limits on and at that, almost negligible limits at that that were very little hardship on him. 

My reasoning is that my way shows the child the importance of self-regulation and almost leads them into decisions on their own. This limit on World of Warcraft was only placed after Alex said to me one day during an Algebra lesson that he wished he was less of a lazy cake and more motivated. When he voiced this, I knew that he wanted to change and was looking for help in how to do it and that I needed to be a parent. I then imposed the limit the next day and told him that this would remove a lazy cake temptation and help him do what he wanted. I think that is why he responded so well to it without fussing more.

I think the other way is the more standard method of parenting, but I don’t think that it teaches the child as much responsibility. It takes control away from them in the beginning, making them resentful and already puts you in a bad light and them into a mind frame of rejecting your advice or guidance. Anyway, time will tell I guess. Maybe I will be sitting here in a couple of years wondering what I did wrong! Let’s hope not, but you never know.

But for now, we have some limits, they are working and I am just going to go with what is working now. Summer is approaching, and I have plans to do some fun things over summer and catch up on a lot of stuff that was missed during the year. We will have lazy days, late nights, movie marathons, as well as extra math lessons, expository writing and science experiments.

Rant Over and Moving On

Ok, I got all the nasties out of my system with the last post. I am more objective now and feeling a little more charitable towards others. I know that people are just trying to be nice and help - even if they aren’t actually helping.

Alex had an exciting occurrence a couple of days ago. He and I had written some letters to lawmakers and congressman and ambassadors and such about the Russian adoption situation. Alex was very concerned that Ukraine was starting to investigate adoptions as well. He was adamant that adoptions be allowed to continue and was amenable when I suggested we write letters. At first he wanted only me to do it - he kept saying you are the parent - they want to hear from you. But then when I explained how powerful the message would be from a child who had actually been adopted, he relented and wrote a letter as well.

Well, we sent them off and really didn’t think to much more about them until he got a phone call the other day from the Consul General of the Ukrainian consulate in San Francisco. He was so excited and conversed with the gentleman in Russian for quite some time. The gentleman extended an offer of help with anything Alex needed and gave him his phone number. I think it was an excellent lesson for Alex to realize that indeed, one voice can make a HUGE difference.

This has spurred on our desire to help other kids. Amanda was asking me about adopting another child at one point and I can honestly say no. I don’t know about forever, but I don’t think so. I had one more child I needed to mother, and Alex was the one. From the very first time I saw him, my heart knew. I am fulfilled now and don’t feel the need to mother anything else. I want to help the other children, and wish I could take them, but it would be for charity and not because I honestly felt they were my children. So, we have been doing a lot of things with the Gates foundation and when Alex and I were talking the other day, I thought, what about getting a grant from them to help the orphanage. Alex has always been decrying the poor outdoor facilities like the playground and the small soccer field, so I thought, why not? This will be the project that we will be working on this summer to see if we can do something.

On that note, I suggested he call the orphanage the other night. The first couple of nights we tried, we couldn’t get anyone, but last night, we finally did. The orphanage director, Ludmyla herself answered the phone and then called just about everyone on the staff to talk to him. They were excited to talk to him and wanted us to send some pictures. He was happy after the call, and I was happy that I had suggested it. He is always going to have ties to Ukraine, but if I can broaden them and give him some healthy reasons for being there, like philanthropy, then I think it will be better for him. When he thinks of Ukraine now, he is sad. He misses his friends, family, and has bad memories as well of being mistreated and neglected and being stuck in the orphanage. But if we can turn these around and have him think of Ukraine in terms of a project and give him goals and others to talk to instead of his family, I think it can only help. A purpose and direction can dispel a lot of negativity. So I will keep you updated on this latest venture!

Biting My Tongue

A couple of different events recently have just about broken me down and made me say mean things to others - and I usually don’t even consider doing that. If anything, I swallow my irritation and share my frustrations later to my family. I am pretty non-confrontational but somehow, I need to figure out a comfort level with pushing back to some people.

Let me preface this conversation with the reality being that people that haven’t adopted older kids just don’t understand. I was about to say people that haven’t adopted kids don’t know, but then I thought about it, and I really think I have to discount them as well. If you have adopted an infant, you have for all intents and purposes affected their whole life. Sure, some things you can commiserate with me on, but for the most part, adopting an older child means all of the problems of adoption and all of the problems of having them cared for (or not cared for if you catch my drift) from others. I don’t mean to alienate people that haven’t adopted older kids but I really feel this way sometimes.

Anyway, on with the story. You have heard me complain before about the fact that I daily mourn the fact that I missed so much with Alex. I missed his first 14 birthdays, Christmases, losing his first tooth, etc... There are so many misses, but I am learning that the sting of that goes away as we build up a lot of memories together. We now have a years worth of memories that are starting to fill that void. I know that it will never be enough, but I am getting used to it. But what really gets me is when people judge him on what happened before he was ours. I haven’t done that, G3 and the kids haven’t done that, so what gives anyone else the right to do that? Alex is now OURS, fully and completely, so judge him by the same standards that you judge the rest of us, because those are the standards by which we judge him. He is now held accountable to our life standards and will always be held so. And there is no problem with this. But we recently have had some situations where he has been judged by other parents based upon their conjectures of what might have gone on in his life before he came to us.

This is killing me! Why? Why would people blame him or hold him accountable for things that may or may not have happened several continents away? Why are they judging him any differently from my other two? Why would people invent the worst case scenario of what his behavior was and then warn their kids off? Why is the fact that his skin color is a few shades darker than ours mean that he can go different places or not worry as much about crime or safety?

The reality is that Alex was and is the most caring, kind person I know. He is a kids just like any other 15 year old and a Gardiner child that is educated and treated just like the other two. He was adrift before, without caring people around him and sure, did some things that now he is not proud of - but they were done to survive. Who would blame him now for stealing to eat because he was hungry? But during it all, he cared for the people around him - he cared for his baby sister and was changing her diapers when no one else would answer her cries. When his Grandma needed money for medication, he skipped school and took a bus to pick potatoes to make money. He admits he put his thumb on the scale when the bags were weighed, but he needed the money for her! There are countless other examples that I can give of where he did the best he could in pretty horrific circumstances and now life is finally paying him back with some kindness or is it?

When he is judged as a sociopath with criminal tendencies from other parents, that really isn’t kindness, is it? He isn’t being given the chance to start over, is he? We have offered that chance and within our family, he started with a clean slate - and let me tell you - it is still pretty clean. But when others unfairly place his past back on his shoulders, without context and knowledge, he becomes a victim again. A victim that will always wonder why he can’t seem to rise above his humble beginnings.

Never have I truly been more confronted with a case of guilty until proved innocent. Just because Alex wasn’t mine from the beginning, he is guilty of really any sin that can be imagined. And what really burns me is that just because Amanda and G4 have been raised by us, they are not. Fine, if you want to judge all of us - be my guest, just don’t single out one of us for something they haven’t done and aren’t responsible for.

Amazing A-Day

We celebrated Alex’s first A-day on April 28th. I was worried about how he would take it - after all a year is a long and a short time depending on how you look at it! But as usual, I was more worried than I needed to be. He did fine. He was excited and happy, and didn’t seem upset or anxious at all. He kept asking what presents he was going to get and seemed very comfortable with the whole idea.

I was struggling to find presents that meant something to him. There are always presents to get kids, but I wanted to get things that conveyed the love and commitment we had for him and hopefully that he is developing for us. Toys, sports equipment, and the such just didn’t seem to fit the bill.

So, in the end we gave him a few presents and then ended up by making coupon books for him from each family member that had special things in them. For example, my coupon book had several coupons for Lazy Day - No Schoolwork, or lunch out your choice (since he is always asking to go out to lunch when we are out and about), etc. There were some sleep as late as you want coupons, a clothes shopping trip, and breakfast in bed as well. For G3, he gave Alex coupons for one video game of your choice, a trip to a gun range, a trip to a go-kart track, a movie and popcorn, things like that. Then we all added coupons for things like a board game of your choice, a game of pool whenever you want, and other family building activities.

All in all, it was a marvelous day. Alex commented on how he can’t believe that it has been a year already. He told me that when he was in the orphanage, time seemed to pass so slowly, but now he was upset that it is whizzing by. I explained the idiom, “Time flies when you’re having fun,” and he agreed wholeheartedly.

Back Seat Drivers

Well, yesterday was busy but everything worked out just fine. Amanda was ok with going early to the studio and afterwards we drove to the driver’s ed class. Once we got there, Alex looked at me and said, “Ok, you don’t have to go in with me, just wait for me.” I was so surprised, I almost fell out of the car. I think this came from the fact that there were no other parents there and he saw a bunch of pretty girls checking in. But whatever the reason, he wanted to go alone - after all the rearranging we did! But I just smiled and said, “Ok - no problem.”

I knew that he had been terribly worried and that letting me go was hard, but he had an image to maintain in front of the other kids. But I walked him in anyway and checked him in the class. The teacher saw him, remembered him by name and off Alex went. I made sure that I was close, and saw him during the 10 minute break. He said everything was going well and he was understanding everything fine. The teacher had even called on him for a question that he was able to answer correctly. I think this helped his spirits and he bounced back into the last hour of class with a smile in his face.

After the class, Alexs was happy and relaxed. A little miffed that he had had to sit through 2 boring hours of class, but the anxiety was gone. I asked him how he was going to react in future classes and he said that he was fine and would do ok.

So in the end, I made sure I was there for him and he stepped up to the plate and went alone. I got to spend some time with Amanda and everyone was happy. For a minute I wondered why I was sitting outside if he didn’t want me in the class - we could have stuck with the original plan, but then I realized it was just that, the fact that I was sitting outside available at any minute that allowed him to let go of me. He knew that at a moment’s notice, I was there to step into class with him if her desired. I am glad it all worked out so well. So in the end, I am glad I didn’t make him confront his anxieties head on  because of my time schedule. He eventually did, but on his time schedule.

But an unintended side effect of his driver’s ed class, now Alex drives everywhere we go, but it is now with an annoying commentary on how bad everyone else’s driving is. We will be turning at a light when he will say something like, “I learned yesterday..... and that car in front of me didn’t do it right!” He has become the worst back seat driver to other people. Ack, I can’t imagine when I drive again, which I haven’t since he got his permit, but when I do - OMG it will probably be nothing but a litany of complaints about my driving!

Best Kid Ever and Tough Mommy Decision

Yesterday was a phenomenal day. Alex got up early (8:30am), unbelievable I know, and was ready and raring to go. He helped Amanda and me with more deep cleaning - in fact we finally finished the upstairs. We are giving the house a careful going over one room at a time. We are cleaning baseboards, touching up paint, and rearranging drawers. It is a nuts to bolts cleaning.

Then we sat down and he did a great Algebra lesson, mostly by himself. He was confident and thinking straight and was doing really well. He helped me take all the pets to the vet’s office and was ever so helpful. He was happy and I could almost sense, anxiety free. As I was cleaning up after dinner, he crept up behind me and asked if I needed help. He told me that he noticed that everyone else had vanished and so he came to help out. I told him that just for asking and being so great - he didn’t have to help! Before bed, he wanted to watch a movie but his little eyelids were drooping and he was falling asleep on my shoulder, so he finally gave up and fell asleep at 11:00. I wish every day could be like this one. I felt good about the housework and errands I got done, he felt good about his schoolwork, and we all had a great day together.

But what a contrast to today. He woke up at about the same time, and was immediately asking to cancel the driver’s ed class tonight. He is intensely worried about going to it. He has fussed about helping me clean this morning - he still did it - but it wasn’t with the fun attitude of yesterday. He fussed about schoolwork and then when we sat down to do some, couldn’t even focus to do anything. He started with reading English and kept missing words that I know he knows. It is almost like his brain was shutting down from the worry about tonight. In fact, after a frustrating 30 minutes, I called him on it and explained to him what was happening. He agreed with me and I could see a little bit of the anxiety leave him as he just acknowledged the issues he was feeling. He voiced some specific concerns about what to do in the class if he was asked a question that he didn’t know how to answer.

I hope I alleviated some of his worries but I know that it isn’t enough. I tried to emphasize with him that he wasn’t there to worry about what others thought of him, or to get everything right - he was there to comply with the law and to pass the class so that he could get his driver’s license. But I offered him the choice - to cancel the class and take it in a few months or so when he was more comfortable. Unfortunately, that would mean giving up his learner’s permit as well since the state of Washington only allows a permit if you are enrolled in a class under the age of 16. He thought about it a little bit and then said no, he wanted to continue, but I could tell he wasn’t happy being forced into this situation.

I feel helpless sometimes in these situations. I want to take away all of his anxieties and worries, but at the same time, I need to teach him how to confront them and make sure they don’t ever master him, but that he can master them. We all have worries in life and he has more than average. I know he lives with a chronic level of hyper-alertness with these anxieties and probably has a higher resting stress level than I care to think about. I wish I could sweep these all away.

I know that I could help him tonight - he wants me to go with him as parents were invited to attend each class if they wished. Its just that Amanda has TKD at the same time and she already missed Monday because I had to take him. So, what do I do? It is rarely that I am placed in these situations to directly choose between children, and let me tell you, I don’t like it one bit. Do I disappoint Amanda or cause Alex more stress? There is no other option, Daddy John is out of town again (we haven’t seen him in a while - he’s in Europe on business) and G4 is in class. I hate this!!!!

It’s no fun knowing someone will be fussy with the outcome. Sometimes I wish I had a handy adoption manual to refer to that I could ask questions to and get answers, such as, “Should I let Alex attend class alone tonight and force a little tough love? Or should I disappoint Amanda and explain to her that I can’t take her?” The book in it’s wisdom would give me a clearly defined number rating on each choice taking into account current anxiety level, and future attitude towards mom.

But, I think I already know the answer. Just typing the words tough love decided me - as you all know by reading me thus far, those words aren’t in my vocabulary! I am all about compromise, listening to kid’s needs, altruism, and unconditional love, never cry it out, deal with it on your own, or telling kids what to do. I will juggle my schedule around today to take Amanda to TKD early so that she can practice some, even though it is not class time, and then, go to class with Alex. This way everyone gets most of their needs met. Whew - feel better! I will update later on how it went....

Anxiety Issues

I have recently come to realize that most of Alex’s behavior can be distilled down in terms of anxiety. I know this is an oversimplification of the matter, but in my feeble effort to understand what he is going through, I have had a lot of luck looking at it this way. There are the anxieties that I know are there, new country, new language, new expectations, new family, etc. These we all expect and try to head off as much as we can, but sometimes can’t. I can do nothing about the language part for example.

Then there are the other anxieties, like anxiety about his family left in Ukraine which I can’t relate to as I look at it as better of left since they didn’t do so much for him. He has anxiety about his future, after all, he never really thought he was going to have one. He has anxiety about relationships, after all, they have not gone so well for him in the past, being abandoned by almost everyone he loved. These anxieties and I am sure a thousand more that I can’t even begin to comprehend are there I am sure.

When he is doing something that is irritating or annoying to me, I try to step back and realize that it is usually rooted in an anxiety. For example, we had a homeschooling group outing to a ceramics studio today. The kids had gone last month to create mask and were going back today for painting. The studio is not large and the parents were asked to drop off their kids and then meet around the corner at a coffee shop. Amanda was with Alex, and they had been before, so I felt pretty good leaving them. About 30 minutes after I dropped him off, the phone calls started. I was a little irritated - ok a lot irritated. After all, I am with this kid 24/7, to the point that even when I try to sneak off the go to the bathroom he sometimes stands outside the door of the bathroom! So I was looking forward to a little adult conversation.

I actually missed the first few calls from him as the coffee shop was busy and noisy, but as a good mom, I checked the phone and saw that I had missed 5 calls from him in 30 minutes. So I swallowed my irritation and called him back. I found out that he had left his drink in the car and was thirsty. This is a no brainer for our bio kids. They wouldn’t think twice of looking for a water fountain or asking for a cup of water, but he was worried about it, so I helped him problem solve to ask the studio person for a cup of water. The next call was to ask what I was doing. The next one was to find out if I was having fun. My irritation was boiling over at this point, but after asking I realized that their activity had ended and he was worried about what to do next and when would I be coming back. But this had been covered ahead of time. The studio owner knew that it wouldn’t take the whole time, so he had encouraged the kids to bring a sack lunch (which I had packed for them) and play outside for the duration of the time of the meeting.

When I was irritated, I was looking at this problem from my viewpoint of can’t you leave me alone for 30 minutes? But when I started looking at it from his viewpoint of feeling anxious, I realized that nothing was going to get better until I alleviated his anxiety. So I asked him what Amanda was doing, told him that I would be back in 20 minutes and asked what other teens had shown up. Once I mentioned these things and he verbalized all his friends that were there, the fact that Amanda was happy and playing with the others, and that I knew I had to come back, he seemed much more at ease and didn’t call me back! I think he felt that he answered his questions himself, not me lecturing him. And when we were driving home, he even said unsolicited, “I had a great time today. It was a lot of fun. When can we go back?”

I realized that I had made a small triumph - I had taken a situation in which he was starting to ramp up the negative feelings and then diffused it into a now positive one. Small victory, but I felt good about it. 6 months ago, I would have just rushed back to him so that I could have smoothed things over myself, and while that might have been ok then, I realize that I need to start helping him deal with these anxieties himself. I wouldn’t have thought about it in terms of anxiety back then - I would have just assumed there was a language issue or some other type of issue that only my presence could have solved. 

Alex needs to develop coping skills in life to compensate for what he is feeling and what better way than to start small. I also realized that if I had given into my irritation, I would have ramped up his anxiety by adding to it - what did I do to get mom upset. And what did I loose, not much - I got my adult time out of it - I just lost a few minutes to answer the phone a couple of times. It still amazes me that I am learning so much from him even after all of this time. I see just how far we have come, and yet still how far more there is to go.

I'm Tired of the Differences

      I am sure this will sound whiny, but there are times that I get tired of the fact that Alex is adopted. He feels like he has always been mine, he acts like he has always been mine, so why every once in a while does life reach out and smack you in the face and remind me that no in fact, Alex was not born to me, has not always been with me, and will always be in some respects different.

      I was conversing with another mom at a homeschooling outing and made some reference to Alex’s schoolwork. She looked quizzically at me and then another mom chimed in, “Oh, English is not his native language. He was adopted from Russia.” Okay, not Russia, but close enough I wasn’t going to fuss, and I really didn’t feel like talking about the adoption, the process, how did you decide to do it, what led you to a teenager, etc, etc, etc.

I feel bad, because I know people are only asking due to curiosity and not any malevolent intentions, but I do get tired of the questions. This is hard too, as I know that we need to be ambassadors for teen adoptions. There are few enough of them and most of what is publicized is negative.

I was explaining to someone the other day that initially, I went through a grieving phase where I had to come to terms with the fact that there were 14 birthdays and christmases that I missed. I missed baby teeth, first day of school, and so much more,and there was nothing I could do to get those back. I think I came to terms with that reality, but maybe not since I get so irritated at times when it is brought back up. 

Now don’t get me wrong, I am not always this cranky about it, and usually embrace telling the story. I also really can talk about and consider Alex’s life before me without getting fussy. But there are times when I don’t want it in the forefront of my mind. I want it buried further down so that we can focus on togetherness and the future rather than the past.

So, in that vein, I have embraced the fact that there are things which will occur all too fast for me, but not for Alex, the first of which is driving. He turned 15 in January and has been pestering us to learn how to drive. So, we signed him up for a driver’s ed program and got him his learner’s permit today. He was so excited! Actually, I am really excited about this as I get a break from chauffeuring around. He drove home from the DMV today and then was begging to go out again. In an uncharacteristic offer, he wanted to go run errands, so he could drive!

So watch out streets of Seattle!