I just found out that I am not a "real' mom

      Just had to share my experiences today at the DOL in Washington. Alex turned 16 Saturday and today was the first day we could get into the DOL to get him his license. He was so excited and was making plans to drive here there and everywhere by himself! It was so cute to see.

       So, I checked the website, made sure he had met all the requirements and gathered up all the paperwork and off we went. He already had had his permit for 10 months, had completed his drivers ed course, and passed the written and road test. I also never really know what paperwork people want to see, so I took:

1. His American Passport

2. His citizenship papers 

3. Adoption decree with translation

4. Birth certificate with translation

5. His social security card

6. His learner’s permit

7. His state issued id card

8. My drivers license and passport

I think I had more authentication of Alex and our family than all of America combined. There was no way I had left a stone unturned document wise.

Well, we get there, get called up, and hit our first road block. The lady that helped me was very nice but when she asked for his birth certificate and I handed it to her, said that it would not suffice., she couldn’t read it. She said that it would have to be translated by one of their translators - they would not believe the court translation that was attached to the birth certificate. She said that I needed to PROVE that I was his mother. Never mind they had already given him a learners permit last year and a state issued id card - no for a drivers license they needed proof that I was his mom. And they would not believe anyone other than their translators. She scanned in the documents and we were told to sit and wait while she sent it into the “main office”. I was told my options were to either wait, or produce another document that “proved” I was Alex’s mother since I wasn’t the real mom. What this document could be - I am not sure - I cant produce anything other than a birth certificate or passport for my other bio children. I asked her what else I could do but she just brushed me off saying it was the regulations of the department of homeland security. I tried to explain to her that it was homeland security that runs UCIS now and they were the ones with the seal on his citizenship papers. Homeland security was already aware I was Alex’s parent and were ok with that - we had already proved that and they accepted it - but this dinky little DOL wasn't going to believe it?

So we cooled our jets waiting. I also reflected that at no time was the lady concerned with privacy - it was a small DOL office and not very busy and everyone was overhearing what was transpiring. Well, I was getting angry and was about to escalate the whole thing to a supervisor when we go the green light. The “main office” had emailed back that indeed, all paperwork was in order and we had sufficiently proved that Ale was my son, blah blah blah… we just had to wait a few minutes for the paperwork to be processed, pay, and then we would be done.

30 minutes later, we were still waiting, I had even gone up to check on the status when we were finally called up again. I pulled out my check and was ready to pay when the man behind the counter said, we have a few things left to fill out. What phone number can you be reached at? Then he asked Alex, “What is your mother’s maiden name?” Alex looked confused (he doesn't even know what that means) and I spoke up and gave it. Then I guess he needed to verify something on the birth certificate because he looked at it and said, “What’s this - where’s this from?” I shouldn't have said anything at that point as all had been resolved, but I found myself answering, “That is Alex’s birth certificate, he was adopted form Ukraine.” The guy looked at me and said, “Oh, you're not the real mom.” I answered with, “No, I am adoptive mom.” but was about to add that I was still his real mom when I felt Alex tugging at my sleeve. He bent his head down and whispered in my ear, “Please don’t make a fuss or say anything.”

So I shut my mouth. Then the gentleman looked at Alex and asked, “What’s your birth mom’s maiden name?” Alex looked like he had seen a ghost - he went white as a sheet and just stared back - he doesn't know his mom’s name as he was abandoned at birth. I stepped in and quickly shoved the adoption decree with birth mom’s name on it in front of the guy. He made such a big deal out of it saying, “Wow, thats a mouthful - let’s see, G..e…n..n…a…d…” etc as he was typing with the hunt and peck method one letter at a time. Alex looked like he was about to keel over.

Then the guy asked him, “Do you even know where she was born?” Alex did and answered in a whisper, “Mariupol, Ukraine.” Then the guy asked him where was his birth dad from as well. At this point I had and enough, I interrupted with asking how much it was going to be and then the guy looked at me and said, “Oh well, I have to redo the form - the computer system didn’t take it, I guess we will just use your information.” Then he asked Alex, “Do you know where she is from (indicating me) or your current dad?” Alex just shrugged - he was checked out at this point and I answered for him. I told him it was ok he didn't know. Then he wanted to know why I was on the birth certificate if I hadn’t given birth to Alex. I just told him that it had been reissued at the time of adoption. I was ready to cry at this point. All of this was being done in a loud voice and everyone else at the DMV was getting their afternoon’s entertainment from what was going on.

Thankfully the inquisition was done. Alex got his picture taken and we got out of there. We were late for another appointment - had spent 1 and 1/2 hours there and Alex is so upset - he didn’t even want to drive anywhere tonight by himself - after all the plans he had made. My heart aches for him and me. I feel like so much less a person tonight and less of a mother. I wanted to scream and shout at those people, but I know Alex couldn’t have handled it. So, I will document, complain, send emails, and carry on but with a significantly dimmer view of the world than I had this morning. People can be so cruel to one another.

And after all that we had gone through as we were leaving the DOL the gentleman said, “Thanks for being patient. It’s not often that we get people like you in here, you know from somewhere else in these circumstances. It was neat meeting you.” What a great way to make us feel like freaks in a side show circus. And the funny thing was while we were there, we were the only caucasian people in the DOL and I heard at least 2 other languages being spoken by DOL workers. Alex and I were not different or unusual. We were being singled out unfairly because the staff wasn't educated. Welcome to the new America.

Thought Provoking Article

http://m.huffpost.com/us/entry/4373356/

This is a link to an article that I ran across on one of my adoption Facebook groups. It was a very thought provoking article and not all in a good way. In spirit I guess I agree with the article. Birth parents and family are very important to kids. They contributed the genetics, the in utero environment, and some amount of nurturing after birth - in my case 14 years of it. And if the child is truly a victim of a horrible circumstance like a car crash that kills all family and now needs a new home - I guess I could see how honoring the birth family is appropriate and feels good.

However - in most cases, and in our case, the birth family was negligent, abusive, and downright horrible. There was a little good ( and I mean a very little teeny tiny bit) but most of it was bad. Let's take an example as I make my point. We found out that our old exchange student, Alex, or A1, is getting married on August 23rd. He told us he was going to pop the question on New Years eve, and she said yes! We are going to Ukraine for the wedding in August and we are all excited. Daddy John and Alex were talking about a bachelor party and I laughingly said, "As long as he is presentable and sober for the wedding!" Well, Alex, taking this very seriously, said, "Well, I know how to sober up fast. My Grandma taught me. When I would go out drinking all night every once in a while I would go home. Once I had a test at school and when she saw me drunk, made me an espresso.......etc." and then he went on to detail a whole sober up routine. As I am hyperventilating, I managed to gasp out, "How old were you and why would she do that and allow it?" Alex looked at me and said, "I was 11 or 12 and why would she care what I did at night - she would yell at me when I came home but other than that..."

So, now if I read the spirit of the article right - I need to honor this interaction, preserve memories, step back and realize my place as a secondary family as the primary family will always be more important. I shouldn't use the term forever family as that implies the first family was transient.

Well, guess what - I am going to use the term forever family, because I have done something Alex's family didn't do and that was to commit themselves to him forever! I will ALWAYS be there, never letting him get into scenarios like the one above. He might resent the control and the oversight but that's life. We are the family that drove the adoption - not his birth family. We have a right to think of ourselves as the more important family, we have put the time, effort, and money into Alex that his own family did not. I know this might sound selfish, mean, petty, and rude, but this is how I truly feel.

Am I sharing how I feel with Alex? Absolutely not, but neither am I going to sugar coat life for him. When it is appropriate, I have pointed out where his birth family has failed, when there have been good things, few and far between, I have pointed those out too. I do this not to make him feel bad about what his birth family did, or to make him feel like he was left out of what my bio kids got. I do this to help him be more self-aware and understand the forces that molded him and why he has certain challenges. It isn't fair that by the age of 14 he has had to deal with a cigarette addiction and almost a drinking problem. It isn't fair that he is playing catch up with school work and has to work harder to achieve in life. And it isn't fair that he is a fish out of water so to speak in a different country with a different culture and language. He has had to deal with so much more than other kids his age that my heart breaks and aches as I think about it.

However, I think there is a difference between honoring and acknowledging. We acknowledge his birth family but don't honor it. We honor his country, language, and culture though in exchange. We are up front about the fact that he is special as a Ukrainian-American. But our family will always remain first and foremost in his life now and if I can move his birth family to a relegated corner of his mind, I will feel successful. I know I can't erase the first 14 years and to some extent I don't want to, but I need to minimize them and write over them as much as I can. I need to fill Alex's life so full of love and consistency and success that birth family becomes an unreal distant memory and the here and now becomes the reality and the forever after.

I hope you all understand and don't judge me harshly. I am sure I come across here as selfish and horrible, but all that we have dealt with this last year and a half is considered, if I tried to deny the realness of my parenting and efforts or the primary role they play in Alex's life, I don't think I could get up every morning and face the day. I am not a bad person, maybe just too much of a momma bear....

Self-Sabotage

I wanted to discuss something that I have seen with Alex, and see if any others have had similar experiences and it is the topic of self-sabotage. It recently came up around New Years this year and I think I finally am able to spot these instances now whereas in the beginning, I wasn’t. Oh I wish these kids came with a manual!

I know that New Years in Ukraine is a BIG deal - much bigger than here in America, especially for our family. We have never really gone all out for New Years - maybe we are old fuddy-duddies or worried about drinking and driving, etc. But we just haven’t gotten into the party swing of things. We always go watch fireworks or something, but it seems a little toned down to the stories that I hear about other places.

Alex was talking to me last year about missing new years in Ukraine (his first New Years with us) and was upset when thinking about the partying he was missing. There was no way our family was going to live up to his memories or expectations, especially since his memories included smoking, drinking, and girls if you get my drift.

But luckily, everything was a moot point as Alex became sick with the flu about 3 days before New Years and really wasn’t feeling good enough to do anything. So, we bundled him up in the car, ran out to the Space Needle and watched fireworks from the windows in the car, and were home in 30 minutes or so. At least it was a little something.

But this year, I was starting to worry again. Especially since he is more integrated in the family now than a year ago - his idea of a crazy party is really light years away from what is in our vernacular. So I was wracking my brain trying to think of fun things that maybe could make everyone happy. This is impossible. Hubby and Alex ready to party but hubby doesn't want to spend a lot of money, and everything is twice as expensive on a holiday. Amanda and I wanted easy and fun but not cold or wet (again impossible in Seattle) and G4 wanted to stay home and be a hermit. So there was nothing!!!!

But I had pieced together this elaborate plan of parking, walking, eating, in downtown Seattle with a lot of backup plans every step of the way  - it was really elaborate and complicated but about two days before New Years Alex complained of back pain. He said he hurt it at Karate. I was skeptical but iced it and kept him quiet etc. but on the 31st he really seemed to be in discomfort. So my elaborate plans were cancelled to once again to make way for watching the fireworks from the car. I don’t think anyone was really upset. We went a little earlier than last year and found a good parking place at the top of Capitol Hill and staked out a great spot to watch the fire works. Alex was walking around, talking and chasing G4 and Amanda around - the kids were having a great time waiting for the fireworks to begin. No back pain anywhere.

Either there was a miracle cure or it was a little bit of a fib. But in considering the episode later, I realized that there was a little self-sabotage going on. There was no way Alex was going to get his received needs met so he decided subconsciously to make an excuse to himself so that there weren’t bad feelings arising from his new restricted life with family. I think it was his way of reconciling the fact that he had wants but these wants were in direct conflict with the reality that he enjoyed now. I hope this makes sense, because the more I thought about it, the more I think this really happened.

As I look at other instances, I have started to see more and more cases of this behavior in him and I think that it is a coping mechanism he is developing to deal with these instances. I just don’t know if this is a good coping mechanism or not.

In the case of New Years - it worked out fine. Everyone was happy, we enjoyed our night and there was no fussing or complaining from the children. So in this case, it worked out fine. But what about some other instances. What about the time when he was feeling out of place at the Police explorers meeting and dealt with it by saying he really didn't want to be a policeman anymore and had changed career paths? He had had a run in with some of the kids making fun of his accent and birthplace and had been upset but kept insisting he wasn’t. Then about 2 weeks later said that he wasn't interested in law enforcement anyway.

Or what about when he stopped his Capoeria lessons saying he wasn't interested in it anymore but really because he was embarrassed that he wasn't picking up the gymnastics moves as quickly as he wanted and he was embarrassed about gaining weight.

Or what about when he found a really nice girl to hang out with but suddenly stopped texting her or answering her calls saying he wasn't interested in her anyway because she was dumb?

Or what about when we were planning a big outing over a weekend but he got a headache and sore throat?

I could go on and on with examples but I have to wonder how destructive this behavior is. Is it good that he is protecting himself or is it bad that he isn't true to himself and honestly facing fears and anxieties? I am going to answer the questions as best as I can, but it doesn't leave me warm and fuzzy - there has to be a better answer.

But the answer I have now is that it depends and for now, I am willing to let it happen. This kid has already been through enough. And just like a little baby that shuts down when in a loud, raucous environment that its neural system cant handle, I think he shuts down when he can’t handle things. When something might be too painful, or scary to face, his body takes over and calls the shots. Whether it needs to take over or not, it does.

I think that as Alex ages, he needs to face some of these things, but for now, I am ok with letting him take the path of least resistance. I feel though that I need to get better at catching these instances as some day it will be up to me to point them out to him and help him cope with the them. I can’t be blind to what’s going on. So back to my second point - where was the manual when we adopted Alex!!!!

Take a Deep Breath

Ok, time to take a deep breath and relax! How can a child be so cute and sweet and nice and you love them so much and at the same time sprout horns and you want to squash them? Alex is there in that space now!

He has been mouthy and rude to Grandma, me, and everyone else. But then he will turn around and be sweet and smiling and helpful. Arghhh! Oh, the teenage brain and its problems. I was waiting at the doctors office the other day for Amanda and picked up a magazine that had an article on the teenage brain. It was suggested that the angst and trouble of teens was an evolutionary safety mechanism that had evolved. While I can totally see this, it doesn’t make it any easier on the parents.

I sometimes have to bite my tongue as I know that Alex doesn't mean to hurt people but many times that is the outcome. While this behavior isn’t solely found in adoptees (trust me G4 is as mouthy as it can get!) it seems that I have more trouble dealing with it in Alex than my bio kids. Why? - I don’t really know yet.

I think that it is he doesn't take redirection yet well. He is not used to parental influences or parents laying down the law so to speak and on the unbelievably rare occasion that it happens - he gets overly upset (shaking the foundation of his view of our relationship) or overly nasty (wanting to fight back and basically say I didn't want you in the first place - I was doing fine before you came to get me). 

Getting overly upset is difficult to deal with as I want to always reassure Alex of our love but in doing so, the discipline or lesson I was trying to get across is ultimately forgotten in me trying to talk to him about our love for him and his permanent place in our family. And the times he gets nasty back - well, I just swallow my words and walk away.

I know these are just Alex’s issues - not mine. I also know that they are getting better - slowly and steadily, but waiting for them to extinguish if ever can be frustrating. I know that they stem from not understanding family dynamics fully and understanding his place in the family.

The first 18 months with him have gone by in a whirlwind. I am sure now that he understands we are forever for him, and that there is nothing he can do to get rid of us, but that is where we are. I must admit I get a little impatient with that fact. I wish we were further along. I wish that he understood family dynamics better and understood how to respond to criticism and censure better.

I recently talked to a psychologist friend about this matter and while she was supremely unhelpful (I wanted the 10 step program to fix everything perfectly) she did say that we have moved into another phase of interaction with Alex. And she is right - I was thinking that there was only one phase to go through - no family to accepting family totally. But boy was I wrong - there are many subtle layers to navigate through and understanding and navigating each one is dependent on the others but in no way will make the subsequent layers irrelevant. They will need to be passed through on their own.

So, I feel a little like I had finished a journey and was standing at the end of the road only to have a curtain lifted and to see the road continuing off in the distance without any end. I know this sounds a little defeatist and I don’t mean it to.

While I am dealing with the mouthiness, the schoolwork issue seems to have fixed itself. This week Alex has been churning out wonderful work and has exceeded my expectations with some of his work. This has been a major source f worry for me over the past several months, but we seem to have reached a tipping point where he is happier doing work and less reluctant and really engaging on several topics.

So, while we solve one problem, we work on others. For now, the mouthiness is just brushed off and ignored. On the few occasions that I can’t ignore it - I will just say, “We don’t use bad words like that,” or, “That wasn’t very nice,” and just leave it at that. Hopefully after the 10 millionth time I say these things, they will sink in!