Take a Deep Breath

Ok, time to take a deep breath and relax! How can a child be so cute and sweet and nice and you love them so much and at the same time sprout horns and you want to squash them? Alex is there in that space now!

He has been mouthy and rude to Grandma, me, and everyone else. But then he will turn around and be sweet and smiling and helpful. Arghhh! Oh, the teenage brain and its problems. I was waiting at the doctors office the other day for Amanda and picked up a magazine that had an article on the teenage brain. It was suggested that the angst and trouble of teens was an evolutionary safety mechanism that had evolved. While I can totally see this, it doesn’t make it any easier on the parents.

I sometimes have to bite my tongue as I know that Alex doesn't mean to hurt people but many times that is the outcome. While this behavior isn’t solely found in adoptees (trust me G4 is as mouthy as it can get!) it seems that I have more trouble dealing with it in Alex than my bio kids. Why? - I don’t really know yet.

I think that it is he doesn't take redirection yet well. He is not used to parental influences or parents laying down the law so to speak and on the unbelievably rare occasion that it happens - he gets overly upset (shaking the foundation of his view of our relationship) or overly nasty (wanting to fight back and basically say I didn't want you in the first place - I was doing fine before you came to get me). 

Getting overly upset is difficult to deal with as I want to always reassure Alex of our love but in doing so, the discipline or lesson I was trying to get across is ultimately forgotten in me trying to talk to him about our love for him and his permanent place in our family. And the times he gets nasty back - well, I just swallow my words and walk away.

I know these are just Alex’s issues - not mine. I also know that they are getting better - slowly and steadily, but waiting for them to extinguish if ever can be frustrating. I know that they stem from not understanding family dynamics fully and understanding his place in the family.

The first 18 months with him have gone by in a whirlwind. I am sure now that he understands we are forever for him, and that there is nothing he can do to get rid of us, but that is where we are. I must admit I get a little impatient with that fact. I wish we were further along. I wish that he understood family dynamics better and understood how to respond to criticism and censure better.

I recently talked to a psychologist friend about this matter and while she was supremely unhelpful (I wanted the 10 step program to fix everything perfectly) she did say that we have moved into another phase of interaction with Alex. And she is right - I was thinking that there was only one phase to go through - no family to accepting family totally. But boy was I wrong - there are many subtle layers to navigate through and understanding and navigating each one is dependent on the others but in no way will make the subsequent layers irrelevant. They will need to be passed through on their own.

So, I feel a little like I had finished a journey and was standing at the end of the road only to have a curtain lifted and to see the road continuing off in the distance without any end. I know this sounds a little defeatist and I don’t mean it to.

While I am dealing with the mouthiness, the schoolwork issue seems to have fixed itself. This week Alex has been churning out wonderful work and has exceeded my expectations with some of his work. This has been a major source f worry for me over the past several months, but we seem to have reached a tipping point where he is happier doing work and less reluctant and really engaging on several topics.

So, while we solve one problem, we work on others. For now, the mouthiness is just brushed off and ignored. On the few occasions that I can’t ignore it - I will just say, “We don’t use bad words like that,” or, “That wasn’t very nice,” and just leave it at that. Hopefully after the 10 millionth time I say these things, they will sink in!