Self-Sabotage

I wanted to discuss something that I have seen with Alex, and see if any others have had similar experiences and it is the topic of self-sabotage. It recently came up around New Years this year and I think I finally am able to spot these instances now whereas in the beginning, I wasn’t. Oh I wish these kids came with a manual!

I know that New Years in Ukraine is a BIG deal - much bigger than here in America, especially for our family. We have never really gone all out for New Years - maybe we are old fuddy-duddies or worried about drinking and driving, etc. But we just haven’t gotten into the party swing of things. We always go watch fireworks or something, but it seems a little toned down to the stories that I hear about other places.

Alex was talking to me last year about missing new years in Ukraine (his first New Years with us) and was upset when thinking about the partying he was missing. There was no way our family was going to live up to his memories or expectations, especially since his memories included smoking, drinking, and girls if you get my drift.

But luckily, everything was a moot point as Alex became sick with the flu about 3 days before New Years and really wasn’t feeling good enough to do anything. So, we bundled him up in the car, ran out to the Space Needle and watched fireworks from the windows in the car, and were home in 30 minutes or so. At least it was a little something.

But this year, I was starting to worry again. Especially since he is more integrated in the family now than a year ago - his idea of a crazy party is really light years away from what is in our vernacular. So I was wracking my brain trying to think of fun things that maybe could make everyone happy. This is impossible. Hubby and Alex ready to party but hubby doesn't want to spend a lot of money, and everything is twice as expensive on a holiday. Amanda and I wanted easy and fun but not cold or wet (again impossible in Seattle) and G4 wanted to stay home and be a hermit. So there was nothing!!!!

But I had pieced together this elaborate plan of parking, walking, eating, in downtown Seattle with a lot of backup plans every step of the way  - it was really elaborate and complicated but about two days before New Years Alex complained of back pain. He said he hurt it at Karate. I was skeptical but iced it and kept him quiet etc. but on the 31st he really seemed to be in discomfort. So my elaborate plans were cancelled to once again to make way for watching the fireworks from the car. I don’t think anyone was really upset. We went a little earlier than last year and found a good parking place at the top of Capitol Hill and staked out a great spot to watch the fire works. Alex was walking around, talking and chasing G4 and Amanda around - the kids were having a great time waiting for the fireworks to begin. No back pain anywhere.

Either there was a miracle cure or it was a little bit of a fib. But in considering the episode later, I realized that there was a little self-sabotage going on. There was no way Alex was going to get his received needs met so he decided subconsciously to make an excuse to himself so that there weren’t bad feelings arising from his new restricted life with family. I think it was his way of reconciling the fact that he had wants but these wants were in direct conflict with the reality that he enjoyed now. I hope this makes sense, because the more I thought about it, the more I think this really happened.

As I look at other instances, I have started to see more and more cases of this behavior in him and I think that it is a coping mechanism he is developing to deal with these instances. I just don’t know if this is a good coping mechanism or not.

In the case of New Years - it worked out fine. Everyone was happy, we enjoyed our night and there was no fussing or complaining from the children. So in this case, it worked out fine. But what about some other instances. What about the time when he was feeling out of place at the Police explorers meeting and dealt with it by saying he really didn't want to be a policeman anymore and had changed career paths? He had had a run in with some of the kids making fun of his accent and birthplace and had been upset but kept insisting he wasn’t. Then about 2 weeks later said that he wasn't interested in law enforcement anyway.

Or what about when he stopped his Capoeria lessons saying he wasn't interested in it anymore but really because he was embarrassed that he wasn't picking up the gymnastics moves as quickly as he wanted and he was embarrassed about gaining weight.

Or what about when he found a really nice girl to hang out with but suddenly stopped texting her or answering her calls saying he wasn't interested in her anyway because she was dumb?

Or what about when we were planning a big outing over a weekend but he got a headache and sore throat?

I could go on and on with examples but I have to wonder how destructive this behavior is. Is it good that he is protecting himself or is it bad that he isn't true to himself and honestly facing fears and anxieties? I am going to answer the questions as best as I can, but it doesn't leave me warm and fuzzy - there has to be a better answer.

But the answer I have now is that it depends and for now, I am willing to let it happen. This kid has already been through enough. And just like a little baby that shuts down when in a loud, raucous environment that its neural system cant handle, I think he shuts down when he can’t handle things. When something might be too painful, or scary to face, his body takes over and calls the shots. Whether it needs to take over or not, it does.

I think that as Alex ages, he needs to face some of these things, but for now, I am ok with letting him take the path of least resistance. I feel though that I need to get better at catching these instances as some day it will be up to me to point them out to him and help him cope with the them. I can’t be blind to what’s going on. So back to my second point - where was the manual when we adopted Alex!!!!