Thought Provoking Article

http://m.huffpost.com/us/entry/4373356/

This is a link to an article that I ran across on one of my adoption Facebook groups. It was a very thought provoking article and not all in a good way. In spirit I guess I agree with the article. Birth parents and family are very important to kids. They contributed the genetics, the in utero environment, and some amount of nurturing after birth - in my case 14 years of it. And if the child is truly a victim of a horrible circumstance like a car crash that kills all family and now needs a new home - I guess I could see how honoring the birth family is appropriate and feels good.

However - in most cases, and in our case, the birth family was negligent, abusive, and downright horrible. There was a little good ( and I mean a very little teeny tiny bit) but most of it was bad. Let's take an example as I make my point. We found out that our old exchange student, Alex, or A1, is getting married on August 23rd. He told us he was going to pop the question on New Years eve, and she said yes! We are going to Ukraine for the wedding in August and we are all excited. Daddy John and Alex were talking about a bachelor party and I laughingly said, "As long as he is presentable and sober for the wedding!" Well, Alex, taking this very seriously, said, "Well, I know how to sober up fast. My Grandma taught me. When I would go out drinking all night every once in a while I would go home. Once I had a test at school and when she saw me drunk, made me an espresso.......etc." and then he went on to detail a whole sober up routine. As I am hyperventilating, I managed to gasp out, "How old were you and why would she do that and allow it?" Alex looked at me and said, "I was 11 or 12 and why would she care what I did at night - she would yell at me when I came home but other than that..."

So, now if I read the spirit of the article right - I need to honor this interaction, preserve memories, step back and realize my place as a secondary family as the primary family will always be more important. I shouldn't use the term forever family as that implies the first family was transient.

Well, guess what - I am going to use the term forever family, because I have done something Alex's family didn't do and that was to commit themselves to him forever! I will ALWAYS be there, never letting him get into scenarios like the one above. He might resent the control and the oversight but that's life. We are the family that drove the adoption - not his birth family. We have a right to think of ourselves as the more important family, we have put the time, effort, and money into Alex that his own family did not. I know this might sound selfish, mean, petty, and rude, but this is how I truly feel.

Am I sharing how I feel with Alex? Absolutely not, but neither am I going to sugar coat life for him. When it is appropriate, I have pointed out where his birth family has failed, when there have been good things, few and far between, I have pointed those out too. I do this not to make him feel bad about what his birth family did, or to make him feel like he was left out of what my bio kids got. I do this to help him be more self-aware and understand the forces that molded him and why he has certain challenges. It isn't fair that by the age of 14 he has had to deal with a cigarette addiction and almost a drinking problem. It isn't fair that he is playing catch up with school work and has to work harder to achieve in life. And it isn't fair that he is a fish out of water so to speak in a different country with a different culture and language. He has had to deal with so much more than other kids his age that my heart breaks and aches as I think about it.

However, I think there is a difference between honoring and acknowledging. We acknowledge his birth family but don't honor it. We honor his country, language, and culture though in exchange. We are up front about the fact that he is special as a Ukrainian-American. But our family will always remain first and foremost in his life now and if I can move his birth family to a relegated corner of his mind, I will feel successful. I know I can't erase the first 14 years and to some extent I don't want to, but I need to minimize them and write over them as much as I can. I need to fill Alex's life so full of love and consistency and success that birth family becomes an unreal distant memory and the here and now becomes the reality and the forever after.

I hope you all understand and don't judge me harshly. I am sure I come across here as selfish and horrible, but all that we have dealt with this last year and a half is considered, if I tried to deny the realness of my parenting and efforts or the primary role they play in Alex's life, I don't think I could get up every morning and face the day. I am not a bad person, maybe just too much of a momma bear....