Finally - much belated - pictures

Here are some pictures that I have finally uploaded to my computer from the camera. The first was taken about two weeks ago when G3 took G4 and Alex paintballing.

Here are some pictures of our trip to Grand Teton National Park this past weekend.
Here we are with the obligatory photo in front of the sign!

Here is Alex on his way to whitewater rafting! A little nervous! But he ended up by having a great time!

The weather was a little stinky - I swear those are the Tetons behind us.

Finally a clear day! On our last day of course.

Talk about Ruining a Good Thing

Officially, I feel like the world's worst mother. We had such a great vacation with great experiences, and then we go and ruin it. We had to break the news to Alex last night that we might be moving sooner than we expected. We were hoping to wait it out until September or so, but it looks like we will need to go sooner than that to get established before G4 starts his semester. We have decided - it looks official - Seattle! I am excited - I am always up for someplace new, but apparently Alex is not.

And of course, why should he be? He has already gone through so much change and now we are trying to take away the only consistent things in his life right now. We told him that we loved him and that he could come visit his friends as often as he wants, but that was not cutting it. He was as sad as I have ever seen him last night - it broke my heart watching him. I just wanted to cuddle him and tell him it would be ok - that he had to trust me. But I know that nothing got through. He put up a wall and it was impenetrable. I just held him tight and tried to telepathically message my love.

Today was a little better. He told me this morning that he was not happy but he would try to be. He humbled me all over again. I know that I would not have had that in me at 14 years of age. He has been a little mercurial today with his mood up and down. He was happy to be home but then got mopey again. He actually walked out on me during one conversation and then 10 minutes later turned around and launched himself into my arms saying I love you. Then a half hour later it was, "I no go. Utah my home." I told him, "No, you are my baby and I am never leaving you. I am your mom forever." To which he then smiled and said, "No, you my baby. I love you."

I know it is hard for him and that he is trying as hard as he can to accept the situation. I just need to get better at coming up with ways to help him adjust and realize that we stick together like crazy glue!

Last Day of Vacation

Well, we had a great day today. We got up and moving along as I earlier posted. We stopped in a small town (Victor, Idaho) and had the best huckleberry shakes I have ever had. We love the huckleberry flavors around here! As we were in the soda shop, we noticed that up on the wall were a bunch of different kinds of money tacked up. We asked about it and the lady behind the counter couldn’t say exactly why it was started, but she said it was a tradition now for people from different countries to leave currency behind from their country. Alex has been toting around about 50 hrivna since we left Ukraine so we went to get some and gave it to her to tack up. They had money from Sudan, Iraq, Hungary. So now they will have Ukraine!

After there, we went to the home of friend that G3 works with. He owns a large ranch in Alta, Wyoming - some of the prettiest area of the country I have ever seen. He owns several horses and had them saddled up and ready to go when we got there. G4, Amanda, and Alex went out on a trail ride with him. His property backed up on Grand Teton National Forest. Amanda said it was some of the most spectacular scenery she had ever seen. The kids had a great time and spent about an hour out.

When they got back, Mr. Wilson took us on a tour in his truck around the area. His family had homesteaded the area in 1888 and had farmed the land ever since. They currently raise sheep and grow alfalfa. His 3 year old grandson wanted to go along on the tour but there wasn’t enough room in the truck, so he was put on Alex’s lap. Alex has a way with kids too and within 5 minutes the little tyke was out cold all snuggled up in his arms. Alex is so gentle and nice, it was so sweet to see him cuddling that little boy.

After the lovely tour, we said our goodbyes and headed out again. We made it to Pocatello, Idaho - home tomorrow.

Vacation time

We are having a fun time in Jackson Hole, Wyoming. The weather hasn’t been great, but as our first objective of the trip was to spend family time together, we have just tolerated the weather and focused on the family. I think Alex really got into traveling in the motorhome - he settled in on the couch with headphones on, listening to music, and playing games on the iPad.

Our first day here we walked down to Jackson lake and spent some time poking around. Alex took me by the hand and led me aside from the rest of the family and told me how much he loves lakes and mountains. He said he likes the smells, the water, and the views. I guess he has some happy memories of times with his dad. Amanda was trying to learn how to skip a stone and ended up by throwing the rock right into Alex’s stomach, and then G4 tried and winged G3’s temple. After that, we put an end to the stone skipping. Not a Gardiner family talent I guess.

We are staying in the Grand Teton National Park, but unfortunately have not gotten to see any tetons yet given the fog and cloud cover. However it is still a beautiful setting. We have gotten to see a lot of wildlife, bears, elk, deer, etc. Alex is making good use of his camera, taking it everywhere and taking pictures of everything. He loves wildlife and is always on the lookout as we drive around.

Yesterday we spent the afternoon in Jackson, poking around the stores and visiting the sights. In the evening we went to a chuck wagon dinner and listened to a country music band perform. We discovered that Alex hates (and I mean hates) country music! We got him a steak though - and he scarfed down all of it - our veggie patties were good but not on that magnitude. On a side note, he seems ok with being vegetarian most of the time at home with the exception of sandwich meat. I have given in on that, and of course when we go out - he is a carnivore extraordinaire.

It was snowing really hard when we left the show and we had a slow ride back to the RV camp. G3 was a little worried about driving off the road in places. It is only about a 45 minute drive normally, but with the snow it took about 1 and a half hours. It was pretty much a whiteout and the snow had accumulated so fast that you could not clearly make out the road in front of you. Alex, Amanda, and I were tired and started to zone out - good thing G4 was in the front seat with G3! It was so cute - Alex reached for my hand and squeezed it and then settled in and fell asleep still clutching my hand. I tell you all - he has a way of worming in and just squeezing my heart. He is so sweet and so nice and so loving, I still can’t believe that he wasn’t snapped up right away when he went in the orphanage. Anyway, on with the narrative :)

We have had a lot of fun together as a family here. The forced confines of the motorhome are actually good for everyone. Alex has been working really hard at making a conscious effort to be part of the family. He has been in a great mood here. On a funny side note - I have been learning how Cyranno de Bergerac (sp?) must have felt like! Alex has gotten the idea of texting to friends and has several that are regularly texting him. The problem is that he doesn’t always understand what they are saying or how to write back. So he will get a text and if he does not understand, he will give me the phone. I will translate and then we will decide what to answer back. If he can write it - he will, but if not then I have to write it! But his English is coming along great! He was able to call a friend that is going off to college next week and set up a get-together for when we get back. He was able to have a pretty good conversation! I am so proud of him.

Today we went whitewater rafting. It was a cold experience - the water here is 43 degrees in the Snake River! But we got wetsuits and splash gear so it wasn’t that bad. It was a great experience. Alex had some trepidation initially but I think he really enjoyed it. We put him and G4 in the front of the raft, that way he got good and wet and really got to experience the rapids. It was a relatively short trip - 8 miles - but we had some good class 3 rapids and a couple of class 4. Everyone was sad and didn’t want it to end. After the bus took us back to town, we went and got some ice cream - I mean, really, what is a better way to celebrate the great outdoors and exercise than with some calories, fat and sugar?

We stopped on the way back to the motorhome and tried to take some family photos. We set the camera up on a tripod and used our remote control to get pictures of all 5 of us. If I thought it was frustrating to get a family photo with 2 kids - multiply that - with 3 it was impossible. It took us 45 minutes to get a picture where everyone looked halfway decent. We would take one and see that Alex looked away, or I had my eyes closed, or G4 looked goofy! They were so funny that we ended up by laughing so hard it was impossible to line us up to get a good picture. But just when G3 and I were about to give up, we got a great one!

We came back to the motor home and G4, Amanda, and I cleaned up inside and Alex washed the car, and G3 washed the motorhome. We are settling in now, getting ready for dinner and watching the rest of Avatar that we started a couple of nights ago and never finished.

I have to say that the forced confinement has been great for bonding. Alex seems a lot more comfortable (as if that was ever a problem in the first place!) In the mornings, we have been lazing around. He is sleeping on the couch that pulls out into a futon. It has been so cold in the mornings that when I come out to check on everyone, he has patted the bed next to him and snuggled up with me. He knows how to get to me, I love to snuggle and have always decried the fact that Amanda and John do not cuddle. We spent two hours snuggled up this morning and dozed off and on. Okay - to be truthful, I dozed, all warm and cozy, while he played on the iPad. I could just stay like that all day, and I think he could too. He is very needy of physical love, and I am more than happy to provide it. Every 30 minutes or so, it used to be that he had to come and make eye contact with me. That has dropped off somewhat, but I have noticed that he still needs some type of physical contact. It could be a hug or touch, or even just brushing up against me. He will just run up and give me a hug or a squeeze. Then he is off until the next time. It is so cute. He is such a mix of child and adult - I guess a product of his experiences.

I am learning about Alex day by day. I know that he chews on his bottom lip when he is thinking or concentrating or unsure of himself. I know that he loves skinny jeans and adidas track clothes. He is very picky about how his shoelaces are tied. He loves to take showers - sometimes two or more a day, and he often forgets to brush his teeth at night. He is proud of his muscles and has me check them at least once a day to proclaim how strong he is getting. He loves learning English but hates schoolwork. He loves teasing people (like his sister) but has such a tender heart that if he thinks he has gone too far, will jump in immediately with an, “I’m sorry.” I know he bites his fingernails but is trying hard to stop. I know that he can’t wait to learn how to drive and wants a car when he turns 16. I know his favorite thing to do is bike ride and second favorite is to listen to music. In third place, is hanging out with friends and learning English. And I know that I love him to distraction and can’t imagine life without him!

Chronic Adoption Fatigue Syndrome (CAFS)

Usually I blog about what is going on in our lives, but we had a great day. Okay, mostly great after I recovered from a heart attack when Alex had another talk with me. Normally these go well, but this one degenerated after he and I were talking about G4's green hair. I mentioned that I wanted G4 to pierce his ears but he wouldn't do it. This opened Alex's eyes as he lit up and told me he wanted to get one ear pierced. I am all for it but G3 reined me back in and correctly told me it was something that Alex would have to earn in the future. He was a little miffed at that, but took it in stride. Then he asked if he could have a tattoo. After I picked myself up off the floor, I must have looked freaked out because Alex asked, "You ok mom?" at which I screamed "NO! You could Hepatits C and DIE!" I am a mite freaky about infectious diseases. I scrambled for the computer and typed on google translate as fast as I could no tattoos, not now, not ever! Then he started laughing and pulls his sleeve up and shows me a homemade tattoo on his shoulder! It is very small and didn't take very well, but he was describing how he and his friends got together one night and did this. I swear, I am not going to be able to survive any more of these "talks". My heart is going to just give out one of these days!

The only other major thing today was an orthodontist visit where I learned that we were going to have to pay equal to the adoption fees all over again in his mouth! Four wisdom teeth need to be extracted like yesterday and there is another tooth that had a bad filling that needs to be pulled, and then braces with coils for about 2 years. Yikes!

Anyway, I thought I would revisit something that I want to coin the name for and then make a million dollars finding a cure for! I have come up with a name for the fatigue that struck us and the next family - we will see if everyone gets it - Chronic Adoption Fatigue Syndrome. At first we thought it was just jet lag, but rapidly realized that 4 weeks into the trip, jet lag should have resolved. I have a couple of theories - just bear with me.

1. Ukrainian Beds and Pillows - While there are many lovely things about Ukraine (the people, the food, the culture) there are a few things that you can do without, and chief among those are their beds and pillows. The mattresses are about on average 1/2 inch thick, just foam, and often lumpy. This is universal, whether it is an apartment, hotel, or anywhere. The pillows are dense, heavy, and the wrong shape - square, not rectangular. You might as well just pull up the nearest boulder for all the comfort they provide. This combination makes for bad quality sleep. You need about two hours to get 30 minutes of real sleep.

2. North Pole like almost 24 hour daylight - I know that Ukraine is north - but people, it is not above the arctic circle! Why does it get light at about 4 in the morning and stay light until 10? And we were there in April. Does the sun never set in the middle of summer? And with this known issue - why are there no black out drapes in the windows? Gauzy curtains might be beautiful blowing in the breeze, but do nothing to aid sleep when the sun's rays are burning holes in your retinas.

3. Emotions - No matter how prepared you are - these kids have the ability to just wring any staying power you have out of you. You will be assaulted on every level with emotions that you thought were behind you in your unstable teenage years! You will be frustrated, worried about money, in love, homesick, happy, and sad, all at the same time. At the same time you feel like you are stuck in a wormhole without any way to get out. You hear about a light at the end of the tunnel, but it doesn't feel like you will ever reach it.

4. Time zone trouble - You want to keep in touch with home, which means staying up late to try to catch them in the morning. Then you are tired and have down time during the day which lends itself to naps! Then you get in this weird sleep cycle that seems a few hours on and a few hours off. There really is no cure for this one, but it is a killer.

Well, I think this just about summarizes the Chronic Adoption Fatigue Syndrome. It doesn't go away when you get home, but after a week or so, it gets better. But you will find yourself going to bed earlier than you did before - I think this whole process actually ages you by a few years.

But I can tell you, it is all worth it when you have an experience like I did tonight. Amanda and I were at her karate class tonight, which is just about a mile from our house, when up on the bike rides up Alex. He said he just wanted to say hi, then he said he was biking home. I got a text about 15 minutes later saying, "I home." Then it was followed up by, "I love you." Things like this are the cure for CAFS! They make your heart sing. I love you Alex, more than you will ever know!

Night all.

Nothing Like a Mopey Teenager

Today Alex had a mopey session. We had a great morning, he cooked a wonderful breakfast, had some great school work, but then got really quiet. He retreated to his room, listened to music, and punched on his boxing target for a while. I don't know exactly what triggered it, but we just let him go. I figured something had triggered a bout of homesickness that he needed to work out, but for the life of me, I can't think of what.

I wanted to help him, but I gave up and I went to get a haircut - haven't been to a salon in far too long (2 years I think) and got 11 inches chopped off. It was nice mommy time! Thank goodness, a neighbor that Alex really likes came over and asked him to go bike riding (of course it is a girl). He was snapped out of his mopeyness right away and perked up. Unfortunately, I had to cut his fun short as Amanda had to go to Tae Kwon Do and he and I had some errands to run while she was at the studio. After we ran errands, I took him by a Starbucks and introduced him to my favorite coffee, white chocolate mocha latte - soy, decaf, no whip - of course I got him whip! He liked it - let's just chalk up another win in my favorite child column! (Okay - that isn't fair - all my children love it - makes me a happy mommy to be able to share this most favored treat together - now how to get my hubby with the program? He hates coffee.)

After we came home, I cooked dinner and we all sat down to a family dinner. Poor Alex sat there like he was at his own execution! His mopeyness had returned! Ack!!! He wouldn't eat dinner and just sat there very quiet and downcast. Finally we took pity on him and released him from jail and let him go. He did volunteer to clean up though. Then G3 had a great idea and got all the kids and himself playing poker. This really perked Alex up - lots of smiles. He was back to his joking self. And just like the 'bad boy' that I know he is - he of course knew how to play - quite well and cleaned up. After winning all the money at the table and looking like a satisfied cheshire cat, he and G3 played more zombie shoot 'em up video games. These are not our favorite games but we figure that if they can bond over these, then we can gradually switch them out for better ones rated E. Ha, Ha.

So alls well that ends well. I felt a little helpless when he was mopey this afternoon, but I just knocked on his door and when he let me in, told him that I knew something wasn't right. He tried to bluff that he was ok - but I called him on it - and that roused a smile as he knows I know him. He wouldn't tell me what was wrong, so I just hugged him and held him and told him I loved him. I told him that nothing would change how much I loved him and he told he that he loved me. I just held him and squeezed him until he started squirming. I know that I can't totally fix all his homesickness, but I hope that letting him know that I am sharing his hurt and that I love him will make him feel a little better. I know that this is all a process of adjustment for everyone and there will be ups and downs. I love the ups and hate the downs. In fact wish we were just on an uphill course! But the best we can do is just show him love and support on the downhill tumbles. More tomorrow........

Daddy Flips Out!

Copycat! I had a bad day and now G3 thinks he can have a bad day too! To be fair, he had had a hard day at work and was tired, but he was really set off by Alex playing music way too loud and not telling us he was going out bike riding.  But instead of saying anything and having a hissy fit like I did, he goes to bed! Mars vs. Venus - I guess.

But, I really think that he is not being given much of a chance to bond with Alex. His job is very high-powered and he works long hours, and I am home with the kids all day and homeschooling them. I am also a little bit of a mamma bear and get in protective mode, which probably does interfere with anybody else getting close!

But anyway, back to my story - after G3 went to bed last night, G4 and Amanda followed close behind and left me with Alex - one hungry kid. So I made him dinner and then he grabbed my hand and led me outside to the back porch and the chaise lounges saying, "Go outside. Nice sky and stars. You I talk." And we did. We spent about 2 hours out there just stargazing and looking at the mountains. He was asking questions about our upcoming camping trip this weekend and then told me about the times he went camping with his dad. He told me they used to go next to a big lake. He liked everything about it except the bugs and sleeping on the ground. He will like camping in our motorhome!

We talked about Halloween - he was asking about the traditions over here. He had seen all of our creepy decorations in the storage closet and was wondering about it. I described to him our haunted house and he got very excited. Right up a 14yo's alley! Looks like G3 has another partner in crime - I am more of the dancing pumpkin and Casper the Friendly Ghost kind of person - while everyone else in the family is a scare the pants off the crowd kind of person. This is why I give out the candy!

It was a wonderful time together - I have come to treasure these talks we have. I am sure they will get better when his English gets better but companionable silence is ok too. I feel like he really wants to share things with me that he might be reluctant to in front of others.

This morning, we went to his kickboxing class at 9:00 am. I told him - this was true love! Getting out of bed voluntarily at 8:00 am to take him somewhere! I took a coffee with me and finished it quick in the car - and was still moaning. So Alex looked at me and offered me the rest of his coffee. I felt a little guilty - he hadn't eaten breakfast yet, but then I grabbed it! I needed the jumpstart and I rationalized it that I was driving.

We had a good day - but he has become a little resistant on schoolwork - he only wants to do Rosetta Stone. I have let this slide a little - but soon, I will have to address it. But in his defense, his English is coming along great. He is talking so well and is trying to communicate now in bigger sentences.

This evening, I took Amanda to Tae Kwon Do and then to Karate (curse her for cross-training)! It was four hours sitting in two different studios. I asked Alex if he wanted to go with me, but he said no - which I was a little surprised at - but happy that he would have a little time away from me. G3 came home and he, G4, and Alex, had dinner and then started on a building project. We have decided that our chickens need an enrichment device in their run to keep them mentally alert (we want smarter eggs :) so G3 showed Alex how to use a saw and build things. When I came home, Alex came running over, busting with a story to tell me. He had gone bike riding earlier before the building project with his new girlfriend (a 16 yo neighbor) and then when they came back, she waylaid him with a water gun and they had a huge water fight with her sister and G4 getting involved. He was so happy - it was great to see him so animated and talking so well.

Currently, G3 and Alex are playing a video game together and competing to see who can kill the most zombies - ugh!!!! But they are having fun and laughing and talking together. So, back to Dad's earlier fit - I think he just needs to be patient and I need to back off my protective, hovering mode. Once Alex has a chance to bond with him like I have, I am sure that he will have a better understanding of everything. I had cast G3 as more of the discipline person, but I started to take some control - I mentioned that he had to tell us when he goes out and that there were times to play loud music that we were fine with and times when people needed to talk that it needs to off. He is such a good kid - he complies with everything(at least for now). Tonight he asked permission to go out - he didn't forget!

Now - one last thing - I walked into Alex's room tonight putting some laundry away while he and G3 were playing video games - and just about died of a stroke. I know my kids are messy - but this took messy to a new level! It was so bad that we had to stop the video game and stage an intervention. He was laughing so hard at my reaction that it was hard to clean up - but we finally got things somewhat under control. I think this is my next thing to work on......

Mommy flips out!

I flipped out last night. We had had a good day overall, but it was pretty much marked by everyone doing their own things. We brought the motor home to the house to wash it and prep it for a trip over Memorial Day weekend G3 washed it while the boys peripherally helped. Amanda was so sore from the day before that she pretty much was a couch potato on her computer. Grandma went to church then shopping. And I cleaned the chicken coop and then flitted around from person to person making sure they were ok.

By dinner time, I was so irritated. I felt like we were 6 roommates living under one roof but not committed to each other. I finally got everyone to sit down at the table outside together to eat a nice dinner that I had cooked, but the moment Alex was done, he bolted. G4 drifted off to play video games, Amanda played with the dogs and G3 cleaned up the table. Before I knew what was happening, I was sitting alone outside as the sun set getting more irritated by the second.

I marched inside and lo and behold found everyone else downstairs in the family room. G3 and Amanda were each on their own computers, G4 was reading a book, and Alex was cleaning up his room. Even though they were physically in the same place - there was no interaction taking place at all!

I just flipped out and started fussing at everyone! When not one person looked up at me - I really flipped out and started shouting. Finally, Alex came out of his room asking, "Mom ok?" to which I replied, "No, mom NOT ok!" I told everyone that this had to stop. We were a family and had better start acting like one! No more solitary activities unless there had been a family activity first.

G3 started translating for Alex on Google translate and to my utter annoyance, everyone started laughing at me. I did the only thing I could - I picked up a pillow and threw it at G4, who happened to be closest. Then he retaliated by starting a tickle fight, which then degenerated into everyone getting into a free for all tickle fight. And BTW - Alex is the most ticklish kid I have ever seen.

I don't know if anyone will pay attention to me in the future, but at least I felt a little better that we were interacting together. I guess in the end I got what I wanted. But I do realize now that we are going to have to work on it harder. G4 and Amanda have been so accepting of Alex, that they have not gone out of their way to do extra things with him or treat him special. Good I guess in one respect because they are so accepting, but bad in another way that they need to treat him a little special until he is fully integrated.

The language barrier is tough at times, because a lot of the things we do together as a family rely on English - I didn't realize how much until now. So we are going to have to keep working on it and find things. In a way, I wish he was littler, it would be easier I think to play simple games - but teens are  harder to amuse.

Alex is handy around the house though. We developed a massive leak under the sink this morning and me in classic, helpless female style was standing there wringing my hands and putting out towels to mop up the water, when he came upstairs and found me. Immediately he requested a flashlight and tools and 10 minutes later, had tightened a connection that was loose, tightened the whole faucet mechanism and fixed it. That saved a call to the hubby!

He still is a little imp though - this morning school work was not high on the list so he has been trying to circumvent me at every opportunity. I finally had to sit next to him to get him to work! But overall things couldn't be better. I know that I am impatient to get back to normal - whatever that means, but I am going to have to give it a little time. I know it will happen. But in the meantime, send me your suggestions for family activities not based on language, please.

Major breakthrough

Ok, well, maybe not a major breakthrough, but certainly a good one!

We have had a busy couple of days here, preparing Amanda for her black belt test. She has been spending hours in the studio and that has taken me away from everyone else in the family, as her medical conditions mean I have to be there with her. It culminated today in an 11 hour day at the studio.

The boys were asleep when I left this morning with her. When G3 could finally rouse them out of bed, they went up to REI in Salt Lake to buy some kayaking equipment that we have needed that was on sale. Grandma helped spell me at the studio, as sitting there for hours gets long and tiring. Amanda did great though, she had one bad asthma attack, but we were able to keep it under control. She had so much fun overall, the culmination of five years hard work.

The boys came later in the afternoon and sat quietly and patiently throughout the whole ceremony, which was running very late. Then we all came rushing home for a party that we were throwing to celebrate Amanda's accomplishments and to help introduce Alex to some other teenagers.

Everyone had a great time, dancing and playing around. Alex is certainly getting comfortable and feeling at home here. He seemed really happy and carefree.

But, to get to my breakthrough. After most people had left, Alex came and grabbed me and took me outside to the porch and told me to sit down and talk to him. He handed me his phone and pulled up google translate and pointed to it. Then he asked me about girls and wanted me just to talk to him. So we spent about 45 minutes just talking together about dating, girls, etc. It was a great segue into parental expectations. He was very open and really listened to what I was saying. He had a lot of questions and I think I was able to answer a lot of them. I guess he has never really had someone to talk to like that and was really wondering about one girl in particular in our neighborhood that he had met. He was asking a lot of questions about love and relationships and about parents. He was scared about having to deal with a girlfriends parents, and I can understand it. He probably has never had to deal with other parents before!

Then about an hour later, I went downstairs to clean up and found him moping around on the couch downstairs. He was looking really sad, so I went over to him and asked him what was wrong. He told me. "Nothing." I of course told him that he was telling a lie - that I knew him really well and that he was unhappy at which point he smiled and said, "Yes, mom. you know me." I felt triumphant at this admission!

I talked some more to him and asked him if he was missing Ukraine and Mariupol. He emphatically said no. So I had a flash of brilliance and asked him if he was lonely. This was the ticket! He said yes and then shrugged his shoulders. I wrote on google translate that I knew he was having a hard time but I also reminded him that he has only been here 10 days. I tried to reassure him that he would have friends but that it would take time. I told him that we loved him and just wanted him happy, and not to be impatient. After he had been here some more time, I assured him that it would get better.

I don't know if I made him feel any better, but I did get a smile out of him. I hugged him and told him I loved him, then hugged him again. He clung to me and I almost started crying, but knew that I couldn't! We just sat for a minute of two holding each other. Then I told him that I loved him again. I told him to go listen to some music and forget about everything for a while. He smiled and said good night.

I feel like we are cementing a good relationship together. He seems more confident in our love for him now and seems to be homesick less. I think that the culture shock and language barrier will be the next big stumbling blocks, but I know that in time, we will be able to get over them. I think that this was the first time that I was able to really portray some of our family values to him and help him understand some adult type issues. He has obviously had a lot of "adult type experiences" but not the understanding that goes along with them. I feel like tonight I was able to fit some of that into the conversation in a very natural way that didn't sound preachy or dictatorial. I hope that I was able to make him feel empowered to do things right and to really understand what he was feeling and how to act on it. I hope more teachable moments like this pop up because I feel like a giant step in the right direction was taken. He is such a wonderful kid - I just sometimes can't believe how lucky we are to have found him!

Jealousy & Building Trust

We are continuing to build relationships here. Alex was fine yesterday until some jealousy reared its ugly head. Or at least that is what I think it was. He was in a fine mood before kickboxing yesterday but then Amanda had a serious asthma attack at her Tae Kwon Do studio necessitating me to stop there before taking him to class. She was fine, her master knows her well and had started the appropriate medications, so by the time I got there, she was fine. But I think that he was aware of how worried I was. Then on the way home, I was on the phone with her master and I really felt him withdraw from me. I think he understands intellectually that I have other children, but emotionally, we have been so connected, that I think he resents it a little bit. Maybe I am off base, but he went straight to bed last night and wouldn't even say good night to me! That is a change, I think I was getting punished a little.

But this morning, he seemed back to normal - playful and happy. He seemed over his pique. We went to the doctor this morning and got him started on his Hepatitis B vaccination series. Then we got his foot x-rayed to make sure that the broken bone had healed properly (which it had), and then got my knee looked at and x-rayed. I have torn two ligaments and bruised the back surface of the patella, but it is healing, and hopefully, will continue to heal without incident.

We have had a few problems with Alex trying to call Mariupol without permission. He keeps trying on his cell phone, but smartly, we blocked international calls! He did use up the rest of our Skype credits without permission as well calling Mariupol (it was only $4) but still, G3 landed on him pretty hard telling him that we have to be able to trust him. We have agreed to let him call once a week, but more than that no, unless he comes and asks and can provide a really good reason. Remember the movie 'Meet the Fockers" - well G3 was saying that Alex has moved out of the circle of trust! Ha, Ha.

For now, we have opted to let G3 play the heavy and me to be the accepting, loving one. I usually would not condone this type of parenting - I think that a united front is the best defense against children. But in this case, it just feels right for me to be the forgiving one that has trust just because he is there. I want him to know that there is nothing he can do to get rid of his forever family, we love him just the way he is. But at the same time, I think having to earn G3's trust provides a little incentive to work hard and try. I am so concerned that he will think we will abandon him too, that he will lose the motivation to change and try to be a part of the family. So this feels like a good compromise. And so far I think it is working. When G3 confronted him about the phone calls, he was chagrined and got REALLy quiet. We have seen that shutter come down before. And he was quiet with me until he realized that I was treating him the same. Once he realized that I wasn't mad or upset with him, he loosened right up. I don't want to be the naive, accepting one of all his bad behavior, but I do want to give him a refuge here of acceptance. That is what his friends are at the orphanage, but if I want to compete with them, I need to make one here. So, I will let you all know how it turns out!

A thought on language

I know there are a thousand different ways to teach a new language and every family will be different but I just wanted to share what we are doing. In the beginning, in the orphanage, we started with flash cards that we had bought at a local bookstore in Mariupol. It was a great way to interact and to bond early on. It helped me learn some basic Russian words and for Alex to learn some English words. Then once we left the orphanage, I graduated up to a workbook that I had bought in Mariupol that had instructions in Russian and exercises in English. This is more of a self-study thing but he seemed to like it.

I continued with this at home, but realized that I needed something a little more to add to the conversational piece of this. So, I broke down and ordered Rosetta stone English. They are having a special right now, $100 off. As many of you know, I am not that big a fan of Rosetta stone, but it has its place in getting conversationally off the ground pretty quickly.

It came in yesterday and Alex seems to love it. He admitted to me that he was up to 4:00 am doing it and when I went downstairs this morning to get him up finally at noon, he was sitting on the couch doing it as well. So I think I have made a hit. I guess he likes the visual component.

In addition, I have opted to not get a tutor. On the first day home, I invited Victoria over just to talk to him, but he seemed like he didn't really want to talk in Russian - or let me rephrase - there was nothing he was dying to tell me that I couldn't understand. He and she just chatted for a while. Then he spoke to Vira when she came over this weekend. And Rob's daughter called him on his phone yesterday and he spoke for only 2 minutes. I thought they would yak away, but he seems very unwilling to speak in Russian and the few times he has, he seems a little sad afterwards. He seems ok watching the movies I got him in Kiev before we came home, or talking to friends, but otherwise, he seems to be unwilling to engage much in Russian. I wonder if it makes him homesick?

Anyway, because of this, I have opted not to have a tutor in the house. We are just trying to muddle through on our own. I don't know if this is good or bad, but it seems right for him. There was once in the store yesterday when he wanted something special that I didn't think we had in America, so I called Deb and luckily her daughter was with her and she was able to tell him that we can't get it, but other than that, we haven't really needed help.

Alex is pretty open with us and if he needs something, he will usually speak up and try to ask for it. So this might not work with kids that are a little more shy, or unwilling to try out their English skills. Just thought I would pass along our experiences. Would love comments.

Sore Muscles and Tickle Fights

Monday night Alex had his first kickboxing class. We found a gym up in Draper that has classes, so I made the trek up there with him. They were very nice and accomodating. He really enjoyed the classes. When we got there, the wife of the owner/chief instructor was behind the counter and was asking about his background in the martial arts, which of course I could not answer other than to say I didn't think it was much. Her 16 yo son, Nicholas, was listening in and stepped up and volunteered to be Alex's partner in the classes. What a wonderful young man. He really liked Alex and they had a lot of fun together. At the end of the 2 hours, he came over and told me how much he enjoyed working out with Alex and how he would like to get to know him better. I was really impressed.

However, the mom was a different story. In between classes, when there was a little break, she calls everyone over in a circle and points to Alex telling everyone, "This kid is from Russia, he doesn't speak English, so be nice to him." I was a little angry because the last thing Alex needs is to be stared at like some freak side show attraction. It is funny how people react to him. I wish they could all be as nice as Nicholas and as accepting of him like it is no big deal. But there will always be those that want to point him out or like the customs officer in Minneapolis who was shouting at Alex like he was retarded just because he didn't speak English. I think I am going to have to develop a little routine when I introduce him to people to help stop occurrences like this.

Anyway, it was quite a workout. Alex has a lot of natural talent and wants to continue classes. But the next morning, boy was he sore. He came limping upstairs and could barely hug me! I fixed him a big breakfast and over the day he gradually worked out the kinks. We are going back tonight for more punishment. Maybe all this sitting and vicariously exercising between him and Amanda will do me some good!

Yesterday, I did get a little miffed at him. He is so easy to handle and really we are having no issues, with a few minor exceptions. He doesn't seem to have any concept of a family yet, or the fact that he has to subjugate his desires for others in the family. Amanda has been begging him to come to one of her karate classes with her, just once, to introduce him to her friends and work out with her. For whatever reason, Alex doesn't want to. And here is where the language barrier gets really frustrating. I don't know why he doesn't, but anyway, I got mad at him yesterday after begging him just for Amanda. He knew I was mad at him and later relented. He came up to me a few hours later and said, "I love you mom. Is ok?" Of course he knows that I can't resist him. So I gave him a big hug and told him that I loved him. We reached an agreement that he would just come to the class, meet everyone, and then leave. So that is what we did. But I do see that we are going to have to work on this concept with him. He has never had a real family unit, so I am not surprised. I was talking to Alisa yesterday about this, and while I know that all these kids have different backgrounds, and that they have had different family situations, the one thing they have in common is a disrupted family sense. So, I think all of us will have to deal with this in one way or another.

We worked first on sitting at a table while eating with others. He used to like to bolt off when he was done, but now he seems to get the concept that we all sit together until the end of the meal. We are lucky that he is older, because many of these things like this we have not been telling him, but rather modeling the behavior that we want. This way I think it makes it more gentle - I worry that if I say anything it will be taken as a criticism and interpreted as an, "I don't love you."

We are trying to use this on other behaviors that we don't want either. Like violent video games. I am a Mario Kart kind of parent and he is a Call of Duty kid. So when he asked for it and several others, I only bought him the teen rated Call of Duty and when he plays it, everyone else just kind of wanders off. Pretty soon he will figure out that this is not what everyone likes to do and I think it will extinguish itself. And if it doesn't in a couple of months, his english will be better so that I can explain it better, without hurting his feelings or making him feel like he is flawed for liking something that the rest of us do not approve of.

He is continuing to test me a little. When we were in the supermarket yesterday, we ended up on the aisle with beer. He asked me if I wanted to get some, but I said no. Then with this sly look at me he told me, "American beer better. Ukrainian beer bad." I looked at him and saw that he was trying to get a rise out of me! I just shrugged my shoulders and said, "Well, I liked Ukrainian beer, but you won't be drinking any beer in America. Hey, do you want these potato chips?" He kind of looked confused for a minute because he was trying to get me mad or say I wouldn't love him if he drank, but when I made no big deal about it, it totally deflated his sails.

G3 and Alex had a lot of fun last night with a tickle fight and wrestling. I think it is good for him to have time with G3 since I am with him all day long. Between homeschooling him and everything else, we are joined at the hip. It is nice for him to have some time with G3 to bond with him as well.

Before I went to bed last night, I brought him into our bedroom and sat him down on the edge of the bed with me and with a combination of charades and google translate told him that I understood it was hard to be in a family sometimes. He emphatically shook his head no. I then told him that I get mad sometimes like I did earlier, and he acknowledged that. Then I told him I loved him always no matter what. He threw himself in my arms and gave me a big hug and told me he loved me - so all in all - successful parenting moment.

School begins!

Well, school started this morning! Alex tried to get out of it, but I persevered. I put both him and Amanda at the table and started her working first. She is pretty independent, so I just let her work quietly while I devoted the lion’s share of my attention to Alex. We started with a placement test from Teaching Textbooks (homeschoolers know this is the best math curriculum ever). I printed out the Algebra 1 test and had him work on that. The word problems, he obviously couldn’t do, but some of the purely mathematical expressions, he knew exactly what to do with. He got several right, and several more wrong, and then we got into an argument! He kept saying, “In Ukraine...” and then I kept saying, “Math is math...” so I ended the math lesson! But at least I did get and idea of what he knew and where his level is. I think I am going to start him in Algebra 1 and then move along faster once he gets English better. I don’t want to hold him back, but I know there have been some gaps in his schooling.

We then moved on to English lessons. He is doing really well, however, I think I am going to break down and buy Rosetta Stone English. It isn’t my favorite program, I used the Spanish fro Amanda and gave up, but for purposes of getting him conversationally fluent, I think it will be the fastest way, and the easiest for me. He can just work on it at his own speed, leaving me free to do other things. But for now, we are just using the workbooks that I bought in Ukraine. They have all the instructions in Russian. I am not thrilled with the way they present information, but it has been pretty good so far, and they do have some grammar in them. 

We worked for only about a half an hour, as we were interrupted by the sprinkler man and the window man... ARGH!!! Every person coming to the door set the dogs barking and distracted Alex too. It will take some time to get him accustomed to working without getting distracted. But it was a good start this morning, and one we can build on.

Then it was time for grocery shopping. Yikes, that is an adventure. He wants all kinds of stuff that I don’t want him to have, but at this point, I am going to pick my battles one at a time. I gave in to most things, but let others go. I just trust that in time, when I can explain things to him, we will gradually get him over to our way of doing things. I did buy him a 1/2 pound of sandwich meat to make some sandwiches - and guess what - it is gone already! He has had 3 sandwiches already, plus a lunch! Oh, teenage boys with hollow legs.

Amanda had to go to the studio for 2 hours this afternoon, so Alex came with us and while she was there, he and I ran errands. We went to the post office to mail a letter and small gift to his girlfriend and buy some International Return Coupons, so that she can write him back. We then went to the Social Security Office to apply for a SS card. Even though we checked the box at the embassy when we did the paperwork, they told us to still apply at our local office. I had to show them the judgement, his passport, my passport, and fill out an application. Relatively easy, all things considering.

We have just had a quiet afternoon, some Wii, some bike riding, and me cooking dinner. We will be off to kickboxing class later and then more schoolwork tonight. I figure if I make it non-threatening then he will be more willing to do more to catch up!

Happy Mother's Day

Happy Mother’s Day Everyone!!

We have been home for 4 days now and are still settling into a routine. Some things never change - I am back to sitting for hours on end in a Tae Kwon Do studio watching Amanda struggle with her asthma and cholinergic urticaria. After almost a year of being a black belt recommended, she has earned the right to undergo the last step next weekend and get her first Dan rank. She is spending hours preparing for it and is very excited.

The first two days we were home, Alex and I pretty much just spent sleeping and eating. As I get older, it is harder and harder to acclimate to travel! But I noticed that even Alex has had trouble switching between time zones.

On Saturday, G3 took G4 and Alex to do paintball, since my bad boy has an unnatural fascination with guns. Maybe this will be therapeutic for him and get it out of his system. This is so ironic since I am the ultimate pacifist and don’t even believe that guns have a place anywhere in our society! Guess I have just seen a few too many GSW in the ER when I was working. They had a great time, came back covered with a few bruises and welts! It was a little more barbaric than they thought it would be and I don’t think they will be jumping to do it again anytime soon.

As I was reflecting this morning, things with Alex have almost been too easy. I know we are probably in our honeymoon phase now, but so far anything we have faced has been so minor it is almost laughable. I think I am living in a state of concern as I wait for something bad to happen. I read too many blogs early on and I think was too well prepared for the worst to happen. But on the other hand, I think that it was helpful in a way to deplete me of any expectations I might have had of what kind of experience I would have over in Ukraine while adopting, and what kind of son Alex would be.

He seems so carefree most of the time, but I noticed that there are times when he is a little sad and downcast. After paintball, he came home and went bike riding, then we all ended up in a huge water gun battle that was a lot of fun. But almost like a switch going off, he clammed up and went down to the basement and started boxing like a fiend on our workout bag. He seemed like he wanted to get out some aggression. I know that still misses his girlfriend and friends very much, and I am sure at times that on top of being here gets a little overwhelming. When I called him to dinner, he refused to come, so we left his plate at the table and kept trying to get him to eat. (I was a little miffed, after scouring cookbooks to find a meal he would like and then spending 2 hours making it.) When he did finally come upstairs, I could tell immediately that he was unhappy, he is very expressive in his face. G3 and I were talking, but it almost seemed like he was reacting to how much fun he had had that afternoon, he was almost acting mad at himself. I think he forgot about Ukraine for a while and it scared him and made him feel guilty.

But then we had an unexpected bonus! We received a surprise visit from the Bahr family, and he was roused out of his funk for a while to came and visit. But in a way, I think that he was almost more sad afterward - I think it reminded him of all that he had lost and the difficulties ahead with a new language, culture, and family. I think all of this compounded with being physically tired and a lack of food, made for one quiet and grumpy little boy. He ate a little for dinner (actually only the salad that Vira brought over) and then called out to me, “Night, mom.” This is highly unusual, as he usually comes and finds me, specifically seeking me out to say good night. I went to him, and I think this was another test - he was waiting at the top of the stairs to see if I would come to him or just call out good night as well.

I gave him a big hug and told him that I knew he was unhappy and that I was sorry. He threw himself into my arms and gave me another big hug and told me he was tired. I told him I loved him and toddled him off to bed.

This morning, after a good night’s sleep, he was back to his chipper self. G3 cooked with the kid’s help a huge breakfast of belgian waffles, fake sausage and fresh fruit smoothies. It was delicious. Alex sat with us at the table for almost the whole meal without wanting to bolt off as he usually does. Then we got ready and went shopping. Everyone was surprised that I chose shopping for him and G4 as my mother’s day activity, but the more clothes they have - the less I have to do laundry! G4 has grown again - unbelievable but true and of course Alex only has a few things. So, off we went to Park City outlets to get some serious shopping done.

I think he has finally gotten the hang of shopping. He got into the spirit and started really picking out clothes and trying them on. He was less picky, thank goodness! He even picked out a suit and tie, I was so surprised. When he tried them on and came out of the dressing room, he was so handsome! I almost started crying but I knew that would irritate him so I busied myself with checking the neck and sleeves and generally fussing so that I could concentrate on the details and ignore the big picture that was making me all emotional.

He made out like a bandit with bags and bags of clothes. G3 scored a major triumph when Alex didn’t want to try on a pair of jeans that I begged and pleaded with him to try on - and guess what? He loved them!

We went out to eat and had a magnificent lunch and then walked up and down Main Street in Park City. He wants to send a card to Olga, so I bought him a nice card with a celtic love knot on the front that says, Two hearts - One Soul, on the front. He was very happy and definitely approved. We came home and just like a little kid, he had to go change into one of his new outfits. He went out bike riding, but as always, he only goes about 10-15 minutes before he has to come back and assure himself that I am there.

We have just been schmoozing around the house, playing in the back yard, letting the chickens roam, and generally doing nothing important. When it got dark, I wanted to type this blog and this little weasel had appropriated my computer to listen to some music, so we reached an accord. He is sitting next to me playing Call of Duty 3, with headphones plugged into my computer playing music on it, while I am typing away. Amanda is working at the table next to us on her black belt poster presentation, G3 and G4 are making a cake for Grandma and myself for dessert, and Grandma is enjoying a glass of wine just relaxing.

I really couldn’t be happier and more content - on this first mother’s day with everyone around me. I feel so happy and blessed. I know that we will have more bumps in the road, but I hope that I am learning him as well as he is learning me and that we will work things out. I have found so far that the few times he has been sad or down, just to acknowledge it and tell him I love him has been the best medicine. Hopefully, as time goes on, he will realize that we are definitely here to stay and will support him no matter what.

Tomorrow, we have his first Muay Thai Kickboxing lesson - should be fun! Will keep everyone updated. He has a cell phone number now and an email address - so if you all want to contact him directly, please email me and I will pass it along.

Settling In

I have made a tough decision, but I think that I will end the letters part of my blog here. I will continue to blog, but now it is more for the audience than for Alex. I am finishing up his book of letters with a sappy one, just for him and me!

So, to update everyone on our first few days at home.... We slept like the dead that first night, but woke up refreshed and ready to tackle the day. Alex was happy and bouncy that first morning. He, Amanda, and G4, spent the morning playing video games. We were a little bummed - G3 was out of town at a business meeting in Chicago, so we felt a little incomplete. The boys tried to go bike riding, but the bikes have sat in the garage for so long, they needed a tune up. So I loaded them in the back of my van and took off with Alex in tow. Alex has grown since he was here last year so we are going to have to get a new bike at some point, but we are feeling a little poor after all the expense layouts from adoption, so we are going to put off that purchase for a while. We have other bikes (allbeit girl’s bikes).

Then he wanted some sports equipment, so off to Big 5 Sports to get those and then we stopped by the bank that had helped me get all of the money for the trip together. The women at the bank were all giggling over him and gawking at him, I think he was a little embarrassed.

We finally got home and he played around with the kids all afternoon. Victoria came over to translate for me, but it turned out to be more of a fun visit than a necessary translation visit. She and he chatted for a while about inconsequential things and when she asked him how he was and if he needed anything, he said he was happy and didn’t need anything.

G3 got home about 9:00 that night, so it was nice to all be together. G3 sat down with Alex and laid out our strategy on calling to Ukraine. We are going to allow him a 25 minute once a week allowance to call his girlfriend and Grandma (hmmmm - let’s think how he is going to divide that - 1 minute to Grandma and 24 to girlfriend!) If he wants more, he will have to earn it. So, we let him have a freebie and call his girlfriend anyway - and guess what - he spent all 25 minutes on his girlfriend.

Then both boys got a lesson in shaving with a straight razor (G4 had been using an electric one that crapped out - so now onto the straight razor). Poor Alex really needed it - he looked like ZZ Top almost. He was so excited that before bed, he rushed off to shave! And that brings up an interesting point, about showers. In the three days he has been here, he has showered 5 times. Maybe there wasn’t a chance to shower much  at the orphanage, but he is making up for it here.

Today, he didn’t wake up until 1:10 pm. I was concerned that I needed to check for the development of bed sores. I was at the Tae Kwon Do studio with Amanda when he woke up, but my mom called me and told me he was up and mentioned that he looked a little lost without me. I came home shortly thereafter, and when I walked in, he jumped up and gave me a big, crushing hug. He must still have a little anxiety that I might not always be there.

His room had been a pigsty with all of the suitcase spread around, but on his own, he cleaned it up today. I was proud of him, I didn’t even have to ask him. Then he got ready and I took the three kids into G3’s office. I was a little worried about that. A lot of people at his work had been asking about Alex, but I am very concerned about him feeling like he is being shown off and paraded around. So I suggested that we take the kids to the breakroom where there was a pool table, a pingpong table, and a Playstation. Then G3 told everyone Alex was there, so they could come in to meet him. I think that was far less threatening for him.

He was playing with G4 and Amanda while G3 and I were able to visit. It was a lot of fun. However, I did notice that every few minutes he looked around for me and wanted to make eye contact with me. He needs constant reassurance that I am still there and available for him. It was so sweet. I realized how strong our bond was, and I need to make sure that this bond grows with everyone in the family.

Afterwards we went to the AT&T to get his iPhone activated. Since we do not have a home phone, everyone needs a phone to be able to communicate. He was excited and started calling all of us immediately. He will rapidly be filling up his contacts with friends, I am sure!

So, to wrap up, I can only say that Alex is a delight in every respect. He is still my ‘bad boy’. He wants to drive my car, he sneaks up on me and scares me all the time, he plays his music too loud - all the normal teenage boy things that they are prone to do. He is always smiling and happy and active. We are so happy to have him here and are so happy to share his delight in everything new. We are starting with working on family attachment things, like learning to sit at the dinner table until everyone finishes, etc. He is such a good kid, he observes a lot and many times we don’t even have to say anything. But when we do, he just follows along with what we want! He has been such a delight!

More updates later. Thanks for reading everyone.

Home at Last!

Dearest Alex,

Well, we got to the airport this morning early for our 6:25 am flight. I for some reason couldn’t sleep, maybe it was the clock watching, but I was awake at 2:30am after having gone to bed at 11:30pm. Very yucky.

But I have to fill everyone in on last night. It was the funniest, saddest, and all around weirdest night that totally captured the essence of this whole adoption thing. When we got back from shopping at 4:00 pm, you hadn’t been there 5 minutes when you were getting ready to go out again. I, of course, didn’t want you to go. I knew Sasha was coming over at 5:00pm to square up money and that we had to get to bed early to get up uber-early. You said 6:00pm, I said 5:00pm and finally we settled on 5:30pm. Then you were off. Well, being a good mom, I decided to go spy on you. So about 5 minutes after you left, I got some of the garbage together and was going to go outside under the guise of looking for the garbage. Lame, I know, but moms will do anything for their kids!

So, I got to the front door and couldn’t open it. You have been in charge of the keys since G3 left, and he had dealt with them before that, so I had never even opened the door of the apartment myself. I looked at it and tried to open the door, no luck. I figured you had locked it on your way out, so I turned a few knobs and, no luck. By this time I was starting to get a little frustrated because I knew my spying was in jeopardy and I was hot and sweaty. Now a word about the humidity level. It was RAINING AGAIN!!! All day, off and on. The temperature was not too hot but the air was saturated with moisture. Any movement, and I mean any movement resulted in torrents of sweat running off of me. Minimal movement was what was in order, and here I was wrestling with the door! And if you all know me, which by now you do probably more intimately than you want to, you know that I am the kind of person who hates to sweat. In fact any activity that might cause sweat is immediately boycotted. I might glisten occasionally if it is really hot, but that is my limit.

So here I am swearing at the door, at you, at Ukraine, basically at everyone in my life and the door still doesn’t open. I went into the living room area and stood in front of a fan for a few minutes to cool off and got my temper under control. I reasoned that the door had to be able to be opened, I just needed to approach it in a scientific manner. So once cooled down, I readdressed it calmly and confidently. There were two locks and I kept trying them in combination. And guess what, no luck - I just could not get it open. I realized then that you needed the key to get it open. So I was out of luck, no spying and no getting out of the apartment building if it caught on fire. You also had taken the phone with you (because I always made you take it when you went out alone) so I could not contact anyone.

Then the doorbell rings - it’s Sasha! That’s right. Now what was I going to do? He is standing outside saying let me in. I am yelling back through the door - I can’t. Thank goodness he lives close by and was able to go get another set of keys. The apartment actually belongs to his father-in-law. So he was able to get in, only to discover, that indeed I was not locked in, I am just an idiot that can’t open doors.

So, he asks where you are, I look like a massive parenting failure because I can only say I don’t know. And I look like some crazy woman, sweaty and disheveled. I was ready to cry at this point. He and I talked for a while, basically him lecturing me on keeping a tight rein on you. Then he said that he felt he needed to call the orphanage director and have her talk to you and threaten to take you back. I just about keeled over. That’s all I needed right there, to scare the crap out of you that if you don’t behave I will abandon you too! So I begged him not to. I need to bond with you, build trust, and threatening you is not the way to do it. So we talked some more (or rather I listened), and then you finally came!

You came in holding something behind your back, but I was so relieved that you were back that I just ran up and hugged and kissed you. Then as I was gasping and choking on a cloud of cigarette smoke that surrounded you, you brought out roses from behind your back - beautiful ones! Hard to see as I was spluttering and gagging on the smoke but appreciated nonetheless. I think Sasha was surprised.

Then he lit into you and told you not to go out anymore. You looked crestfallen. I knew you had come home only to give me the flowers and then were wanting to go out again. You talked with him and then before I knew it, were gone again! Sasha explained that you had a friend nearby that you were hanging out with and just wanted to go say good-bye. He seemed relieved that that was what had been taking you out so much too, and said as much to me. I guess that explains the smoking too. I didn’t always smell smoke on you, and I am ashamed to say that I riffled through all of your things while you were gone to see what I could find - which was a big, fat zero. You were just being a bad boy when you were hanging out with this friend.

I was feeling a little low at this point, as I was disappointed that you had not shared your friend with me. He would have been welcome to come over and visit (under my supervision would have been best - don’t you all think?) But it really highlighted to me that we are going to have work on trust and communication. But you finally came back. And when you were walking back, the heavens opened up and you got drenched - hah - a little part of me was snarky and said serves you right.

But you came back, I was happy, and Sasha left. Then you pointed to your stomach, settled in with a DVD in Russian we had bought earlier at the mall and off I went to cook a dinner with the little remaining food we had left. Well, evidently it was not enough because about 45 minutes later (after I had cleaned up and done all the dishes) you came into the kitchen all dressed saying, “I go out. Get more food.” I just about died. I was already changed into jammies and was helpless once again as off you went. I couldn’t very well deny you food could I? And to be honest, I was tired, it was raining, and you were just wearing me down.

You came back about 15 minutes later, riddled with smoke again, plopped down a grocery bag in the kitchen and off you went to finish your movie. After I stopped coughing and choking on the smoke, I cooked you ANOTHER dinner and then cleaned up from that one too. I forgot how much fun it was to have a growing teenage boy around. G4 went through his growth spurt early and had been out of it for a while. Oh the joys of parenting a teenage boy.

At this point I was sooo sweaty - nothing like a humid day with now the heat from two dinners to add to the discomfort. I kept repeating to myself, “Tomorrow it ends. Back on home turf. Just keep your cool.” I finally got everything cleaned up around 11:00pm and finished the last bit of packing. You were fed, happy, and content watching your movie and gave me the winningnest smile as I said good night. You couldn’t even rouse yourself out of your self-induced torpor to hug me good night, I had to crawl through cords, chargers, iPads, and computers to get to you. Talk about being comfortable.

I think this sums up the relationship really well. You are becoming closer to me day by day - I already know that I adore you - those bonds are strengthening - but there is a long way to go. Maybe most of it is communication, so I promise to work on my Russian as you work on your English. I will also work on changing that bad boy persona at home, but for now, just realize that I love you the way you are. No changes necessary.

Now that brings us to this morning. I was up, albeit grumpy and looking like the wicked witch, with bags under my eyes big enough to check as baggage, by 3:30am. Sergei was coming at 4:00pm. I snuck in and tried to wake you up. You opened one eye, said hello and I thought were going to get up. I checked back 10 minutes later to find you sprawled flat on your back again. So I tried again. Same thing. Finally, I was getting fussy and stayed until you actually sat up. But I think you were sleeping sitting up! Anyway, Sergei came a few minutes early and really started fussing at you - so you got moving, dressed and ready in record time.

The drive to the airport took about an hour. When we checked in they took an inordinate amount of time perusing your passport and then asked me for the ‘papers’. Thank goodness Sasha had warned me about this and I was ready to whip them out. Then we went to passport control and again they took forever. I think the guy read every line of the judgement and then asked you questions. We were getting quite the grumpy line behind us of people waiting.

The first leg of the trip was uneventful. You slept and snored all the way to Amsterdam, only waking up long enough to eat and drink. But before the plane took off, I detected a little forlornness in your attitude. I know it must be hard, and I wish I could talk to you and help you understand that you are not losing anything - you are simply adding, but once again I find myself helpless to communicate these feelings to you. I think deep down you know they are there - but it will be a while before we can let them out with words. 

Then in Amsterdam, we had to go through another passport check. When the airport official came up to us, he asked me if this was my son. I choked as I realized, this was the first time I was going to voice aloud the words that I knew in my heart, had worked so hard to be able to say, and was so proud to be able to voice. I told him, “Yes, this is my son!” I then told you in Russian what I said and was rewarded with a great big smile. I think I could have flown home right then and there on happiness. You seemed to be better and happier - maybe it was the sleep that did it. Or maybe those ties that bound you to Ukraine were melting away - but you were smiling more.

The trip to Amsterdam was long, long, long. And you were hungry the whole time - again joys of parenting a teenage boy. But we joked and laughed, and you ate! Then I got really tired and it was cold in the airplane. We snuggled under a blanket together and I slept on your shoulder for a few hours. I am glad you are a cuddler, both G3 and Amanda are totally lacking in that area!

Anyway, the electronics gradually failed one by one on the long flight and soon you were left with just listening to music. We had bought a book at a bookstore for you to read yesterday, but you kept saying later, later. I have to learn how to resist you. I think you are fast discovering that I am the weak link in the parenting chain. G4 and Amanda figured it out long ago, it just took them a while to do it. You have caught on faster because I am sure that you are testing me. I know you are - I didn’t fall off the turnip truck yesterday, but that is ok. Test away - nothing will diminish the feelings I have for you or unglue me from your side. Some day you will realize that.

Anyway, we talked and joked around for a while, you have a great sense of humor! You seemed very comfortable and happy and light-hearted. At one point you just leaned over and said, “Mom, I love you.” Boy you sure know how to tug at the heartstrings.

I am just thinking about the first day that I met you and how I knew instantly that you were the one for us! There was no question in my mind, and there still isn’t. Anyway, we finally arrived at home. You and I were so tired, that we could hardly walk straight. We got home in about an hour, but you had succumbed to your tiredness on the car ride home and slept for most of it.

We were excited to see your new room - it hadn’t been finished when we left yet. Grandma and G4 helped finish it and get everything settled for you. It looks great and I think you were happy to see it as well. You immediately settled right in and started playing and investigating everything - running back and forth touching everything like a kid at Christmas. You also seemed happy with our new dog, was really gotten with you in mind.

We had a nice dinner together, then celebrated with a cake that had Welcome Home Alex on it. G4 had some presents for everyone that he distributed, then we gradually scattered and then hit the sack one day at a time. It is great to be home and to be able to sleep in my own bed

Great first day home. Hope you liked too!

Love, Bethany, Amanda, G3, and G4