Tuesday, May 8, 2012
For adoptive parents: be prepared
Obviously this will not go into Alex's letters. But I just wanted to share a few things I have observed and figured out. This probably only applies to teens but maybe some is relevant to younger kids. These past few days with Alex alone have been great and scary all at the same time. I was really worried about g3 leaving, but it has been great to bond alone with him. I hit a low point 2 days ago when we were having trouble communicating and he was just skyping away with friends forever. I was getting irritated but couldn't effectively tell him why. Then when I tried, he would comply for a few minutes because he thought I just wanted his attention for that time and then go right back to what he was doing. Finally, I gave up and went to bed. I was muttering and flouncing around that we were bonding like oil and water.
Then I got a really good idea. I figured out that he was keeping me at arm's length because he felt that if I knew everything I would probably not want him. His friends already want him so they were the safer bet. So I started a campaign of understanding. I told him (as best as I could through google translate) that nothing he could do or say would change my love for him. I know he has never really had a mom and everyone he has had has left him - so why would I be any different? I know it will take him a while to get it but I think at least I have started him figuring it out.
Well, once a little of this got through - the floodgates opened. That is when he fessed up about his girlfriend. And now this is where the faint of heart need to sit down and take a deep breath. I am fairly sure there has been adult type behavior going on with him and his girlfriend if you get my drift. Also I found out he was a smoker. Says he doesn't anymore and I am pretty sure several other vices. Wow! I was not prepared for this. But I put on my best game face and just said ok and went on to the next thing. I didn't want him to get a shock value out of it. I also didn't want him to get the idea that this changed any of my love for him. All I said was never around Amanda because she has asthma. He got that and said he wouldn't again. Darn right mister - you are going cold turkey - there will simply be no opportunity in America! I will watch you like a hawk!
But after thinking about these things for a while, I realized that this was his "bad boy" persona. Probably a defense mechanism against the world he was trying to fit into. And there was no one guiding him in the right direction. Well, guess what mister - you have a guide now!
I am sure that there will be more to come out but I wanted to give everyone a heads up. I think I was on the path of the fact that he was immature for his age ( which he is in one way - survival mode took away normal maturing) but unfortunately very mature in others. Even though this is a great orphanage I think these kids were exposed to the seedier side of life before they went in and once in I get the idea still vulnerable to others preying upon them from the outside.
So for now I am not going to lecture or chastise, simply lead by example. Getting rid of all alcohol in the house for a while, and simply watching him carefully. He is such a wonderful kid, I am not really worried, just heartbroken that he has not had a strong loving guiding force to protect him from things that could hurt him. He has had to confront adult desicions without help and that just seems so unfair.
Love to get any thoughts or feedback from others on these issues.
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Bethany,
ReplyDeleteAfter having been through this for the last 2 years, let me share a few things I learned. Do with them what you will.
There will always be two sides of this. His life before. His life after. You are correct in imagining the horrible things these children have seen prior to you. You can not erase this. You can not change this. Accept it as it is. Talk about it if he's open. At some point, they will grieve and wish things were different, that they hadn't of lived through that. Explain how things are different here, what is acceptable and what is not. What you EXPECT.
Understand some of this is cultural. There are cultural elements that say fathering children and leaving them is acceptable behavior. Drinking alcohol at 10 is acceptable behavior. Smoking at 10 is acceptable behavior. Not treating women as equals is acceptable behavior. Some things are survivial. Lieing and stealing were needed to survive. Manipulating adults was needed to survive and was rewarded.
Understand that they had TREMENDOUS freedom. And Viktor is the one who used the term "Freedom". Many of these kids roamed the streets at will for years before they were taken into the system. They made most if not all decisions for themselves. They will at times miss that freedom very much. Especially when it's hard and they don't want to do something.
As you've mentioned before, these kids don't have good role models. It's up to you to set the tone and the rules. Consistently enforce those rules. Right away. We literally had to at times use the words "But Viktor, this is what good mommies/daddies do." to get the point sunk in.
Introduce God if he is not prevalent in their lives. We were fortunate with Viktor as he was in a Christian Children's Home prior to Center Opiky. He has a connection. We talk about God's plan quite often.
The transition will be hard. Especially if he is still connected to his old world. Several families I know have had to severe or severly limit that connection in order to truly transition. Until that happened, there was too much of a draw to the old way of life and the old freedoms.
Keep reassuring them that this is forever. No matter what they have seen. Use humor to de-stress situations where discipline or guidance is needed so that it's from a neutral position.
And last but not least, love the heck out of them.
Just my two (hundred) cents...
Best of luck! Keep blogging!
Janis
Thanks for the words of wisdom. I know that we will have tough times ahead but he is so sweet a nd I know that together we will get through them.
ReplyDeleteI 100% agree with Janis. Misha was almost 13 when he came home with us - now 15. Teens are curious as you know and can easily get sucked into that dark, secret place and don't know how to get out - especially when it's been part of their lives in one way or another previously. One safety net you can look into (if you haven't already) is Covenant Eyes for the computer. It was recommended by our church for accountability on the internet. They use it as a staff to stay accountable to each other. You can also set levels of access with this. We explained it to Misha as a way to protect him and love him. You can download it to all your computers/ipods/etc. It helped, too, that my husband and I are each others accountability partners and Misha knows this. We also have his passwords to all his accounts (FB, Email, iPod). Keep loving him - and it's OK to scream into your pillow sometimes. :0)
ReplyDeleteHi Bethany, as you know, we have not adopted...but we have a very strong teenager, and I don't think you've had that before. I really like what you said 'nothing you can do will make me love you less'. (conversely, nothing he can do that will make you love him more.) This is so very wise to say! Take things slow. Anything that could lead to life long destruction has to go, everything else can take a gentler hand. It will just take time. You have done a great job so far! Be patient, you can do this. Be sure and have good filters on your computers, ect--at the very least, you should know where he is spending his time. One thing that really works here is I tell myself to "only ask questions". It keeps me from lecturing, and it helps teens think through their own stuff--especially if they're the type to balk at Mom. We also create 'consequence free zones'--if we know something is up, we tell "her" that if she tells us the truth and the whole truth, there will be no dicipline from Mom and Dad. (though she may still have the natural consequences that she has created for herself. Works well!
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