We have had a great, busy weekend in California. We are currently driving home - the interminable drive across I-80. Since I have time, I decided to use these miles to catch up on the blog.
Alex really liked San Francisco. I’m glad, because we all love the bay area and come here almost with any excuse that we can make. On Friday, I pried the kids out of bed and made it to the kick-off party for graduation weekend. For those of you who don’t know, Amanda takes a few classes at an online high school run by Stanford University. We have had a long-standing relationship with this school, G4 took some classes here several years ago before he left to go to college at 14. But by that time, Amanda was old enough and had gotten accepted. They have great online classes taught by professors at Stanford, but because it is an online school, it is hard to have get-togethers. So the graduation weekend every year is a big deal, as kids from all grades come to see their friends in person. I am also a member of the parent association and was on the graduation committee, so I was involved as well. And finally, this was the group of kids that G4 would have graduated with, if he had continued in high school, so for all of us, this weekend had special meaning.
The kick-off event was at a Malibu Grand Prix, a place with go-karts, video games, and mini-golf. I was working the check-in table so I couldn’t just hang out with the kids, but Alex and Amanda had fun and participated with the others. I was worried that Alex would feel left out, but it all worked out and he had a good time. The only down side was that G4 and I got so sunburned! Amanda was a little pink and of course, golden boy just looked great after a day in the sun!
After leaving the kick-off event, we had only an hour before rushing back to the hotel to get changed for the awards ceremony. Alex was tired and asked to stay behind, so we allowed him to rest. He really wouldn’t have understood much of anything anyway. Amanda was recognized at the ceremony and we were happy and proud of her. She also received a special award for her participation on the school science bowl team. After the ceremony was over, we went back to the hotel to pick up Alex and go out to dinner. He is becoming much more comfortable with going out to eat, we have noticed, and is eating less reluctantly.
On Saturday, I was up bright and early getting ready for a speaking engagement. The Solano county library system had asked me to speak (and it is great publicity for my book), they had ordered quite a few copies to stock in their libraries. G4 volunteered to go with me which I was grateful for. It is always good to be able to show off a successful homeschooling graduate! The talk went well and was well-attended. On the way back to Palo Alto, G4 talked me into going by to visit one of his friends in the model railroad business. He wanted me to see this guy’s layout. I have to say - it was spectacular. This gentleman had converted his entire basement into a floor to ceiling recreation of New York in WW II. It was really amazing.
We made it back to the hotel in time to change and then dash off to the graduation weekend event that I was running - Pixel Olympics! Unfortunately it was on the Stanford campus in the very middle where there was no parking! We had to tote all of the food and drinks and supplies a very long way to the field. However, it turned out great! The Latin club had gotten together and built a trebuchet that they brought where we launched off raw eggs in containers as a physics challenge. There were some rocket launchers that worked off of pressurized air and a bunch of field games that kids, family members, and faculty participated in. Everyone had a great time. Alex was his usual darling self, charming the pants off of everyone. He and G3 threw around a football for a while, and then he hung around me, helping out. It was a great event overall.
We retired back to the hotel where we had two connecting rooms. The kids hosted a board game party in their room for the kids that either were to young or did not want to go to prom, and we hosted the adults in our room with plenty of good California wine! We had a great time visiting with friends and the kids had a great time too. Alex even joined in for a while with the other kids. Several other parents who we had known for a while remarked at how happy he seemed. They also noted how attached he was to me. As usual, every 20-30 minutes or so, he had to poke his head into our room and make eye contact or physically touch me. I think these good observations cursed us however, because soon I noticed that he was getting overwhelmed. Too much fun and activity. He asked me to go down and sit outside by the pool with him. We did that for a while and all of a sudden, he asked to go for a drive. I really didn’t want to - it was midnight at this point, but I felt something building in him and finally said ok. He mentioned that he loved just going for a drive. Our hotel was just on the edge of Stanford, so I drove onto the campus which was dead at that time. He was in a talking mood again.
He told me that I was a good mom to him. He then said his one mom (birth mom) and two mom (step mom) were not good. I really didn’t know what to say. I just reached over and grabbed his hand and said that I was sorry. It didn't seem like enough. He went on to say his one mom left him and his two mom would beat him. He told me that every morning before he went to school, she would beat him. He was tearing up as he recounted when he was 8 and 9 years old asking her why she hit him all the time and her ignoring him. Then he told me that once she hit him so hard, he went to sleep. I assume he meant knocked unconscious. I was horrified but just squeezed his hand and said that I was so sorry. Then he told me that he took up boxing when he was 11 and got big enough so that no one else could ever beat him. My heart was breaking. I am sure I should have said more, but I was so choked up that I couldn’t. By this time we were back at the hotel. When I got out of the car, I just walked around and held him tight. I told him that I loved him and he hugged me back and said, “You good mom.”
This morning however, he seemed surly and in a foul mood. I know part of it is a lack of sleep - we have really been burning the candle at both ends this weekend, but I think part of it was a protective mechanism. I think he was regretting telling me some of these things. He pulled me aside during the morning and told me, “You big people. All big people say they love, but love not real for them. Maybe 1 month, 2 month, but not real.” I guess he was trying to say that adults really don’t mean what they say. I can understand this better in light of what he told me the night before, but I was feeling a little raw myself. I just answered back, “I know how much I love you. I love you a lot and it is forever. I will not leave you or hurt you. I loved you the first time I saw you at the park last year.” He grabbed my arms and looked into my eyes for a long time and finally said, “Maybe you love me.” I just looked back at him but didn’t say anything. He just kept looking at me and then said, “Probably you love me.” I hugged him and just said, “Yes, I love you.”
This interchange seemed to turn him around. I think he was feeling that if he keeps pushing us away, when we eventually leave him like everybody else, he won’t be that hurt. I think the fact that we are not withdrawing from him is confusing. He is gradually starting to realize that we are here forever, but it is baby steps! He was in a much better mood for the rest of the car ride. I rode in back for a while while G3 and G4 were in front. Alex and I joked around and were laughing a lot. He seemed happy and carefree again. At one point he just looked at me and said, "I happy." I wish that I could bottle his enthusiasm for life. I am still constantly amazed at his resiliency and adaptability. I hope we are peeling away the layers of his scars and getting down to the bottom so that we can start healing from the inside out.
We finished up our trip with a test drive at the Tesla factory of their new model S sedan. G3 has one on order - hopefully he will have his by September or October. I was a good mom and gave the seats in the test drive to the kids. G3 got to drive! It was a great time and everyone really enjoyed it.
As I write this, we are in the Nevada desert with still too many hours to go on our trip. We should get home by 2:00 am and then starts the crazy training schedule for Amanda this week. We all fly out to Dallas Thursday, so that she can compete Friday, Saturday and Sunday at Nationals. We will keep you updated....
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